Possumblog

I assure you, it was not I...

...but thanks for asking!

“That thing had been getting into my garbage for years. May he rest in peace.”

Indeed.

Maybe you just had to be there.

We were at lunch Sunday after church and somehow (and I’m not sure how, exactly) the subject of popular singers came up, in particular, one Miss B. Knowles.

As the kids chattered, Catherine (who turns 13 today, by the way) suddenly got a perplexed look on her face. “Wait—her last name is Knowles?”

Without missing a beat, Rebecca looked at her and replied, “Well, yeah—what did you think it was, ‘Yoncé’!?”

For some reason, that really struck me as funny, and nearly caused me to snort sesame chicken out of my nose.

The apple does not fall far from the tree.

Or the egg from the hen. Or something.

Anyway, Reba made us all a nice omelet breakfast this weekend, and Rebecca piped up and said she'd made us Momelets.

That's pretty doggone funny, unless, you're like, y'know, an egg or sumthin.

Now, get back to what you were doing.

It's SUPER FUN HAPPY JOKEY TUESDAY!

Yes, I know two posts in two days is pushing it as far as non-blogging goes, but sometimes I just crack me up. (And yes, that is an homage to Alf.)

ANYway, Reba just called a few minutes ago.

She had gone with her dad to take her mom to the doctor's office this morning for some non-jokey invasive testing and prior to leaving their house, Mominlaw got all doped up with Darvocet and Valium. Being that she doesn't usually start the morning with a narcotic toddy, she pretty much had to be scooped out of the car with a spatula when they got to the parking deck at the hospital.

They wheeled her upstairs, waited to be called back, and then wheeled her into the procedure room. Now, since she was looser than a handful of BBs, she wasn't going to be much help when it came time to get her prepared, so Reba went back to help the technician get her up on the table and disrobed.

Did I mention it's cold today?

It is.

Oh, it's not Yukon cold, or lake-effects Chitown cold, or even Kentucky ice-storm cold, but your normal 30 degree Fahrenheit Alabama February day. But Grandmom, being of always-prepared, better-safe-than-sorry, strong-minded country stock, was apparently set to accompany Admiral Byrd to the South Pole.

Reba recounted (with some mild irritation) about struggling to help the tech ladle Mom up onto the table, then the arduous task of skinning her of layers of clothing, all the while said mama was swaying to and fro in the warm embrace of Lethe.

"...so we had to hoist her on the table and then I started helping her off with her clothes and do you know she had on FIVE! layers of stuff--she had her BIG COAT, and a SWEATER!, and then her BLOUSE!, and then a CAMISOLE!! under that, and THEN her bra! And it got to where the technician had to take off her lab coat because she was getting hot and we didn't think we were EVER going to get her all unwrapped from all those layers and layers of stuff and..."

"Reba--REBA!" I simply had to interrupt.

"What?"

"It's okay, Reba--I mean, after all, she IS your mummy."

BADUMP-BUMP-TSSHHHHHH!

I'm here all week--be sure to tip your server and have a safe drive home!

Anyway, Reba thought it was funny, too.

[And for those who are concerned (as I should be, if I could stop my non-stop comic brain from working for just two seconds) about Reba's mom's condition--right now we don't really know a lot. Today's test was a biopsy, and hopefully what they were sampling will turn out to be benign. Keep her in your prayers, please. UPDATE 2-6-09 All clear!]

NOW THEN--not content to allow your funny bone to rest, ANOTHER story, this time from the wonderful world of construction!

Was at a meeting this morning and before we got started the superintendent got to talking about other jobs he'd done close by, and mentioned that he'd been the superintendent on the construction of a new columbarium for a nearby church.

The construction part apparently wasn't too difficult, but the reason it was being built in the first place was to have a place to put people whose remains had been interred in scattered places all around the church, and so part of his job was to disinter various urns and other ash repositories so they could be properly reinterred in the new place.

He was carefully watched over in his task by the architect, and he recounted that one day near lunchtime he was hand-excavating around the site of an urn, and had encountered a piece of a small concrete vault that held the earthly remains of one of the venerable ladies of the church. As usual, the architect was right at his shoulder as he got down and began delicately chipped away at the concrete to get to the contents.

As he worked, a small piece of concrete broke off and laying there inside was, of all things, a cigarette butt!

He looked over his shoulder at the architect and quietly asked her--with a certain amount of black humor--"I wonder if she smoked?"

Without missing a beat, she solemnly whispered back, "She probably did when they cremated her."




I am a bad person for laughing so hard at that one.

But still, I hope you have enjoyed SUPER FUN HAPPY JOKEY TUESDAY!

A Guide To Hockey

Given that there has been much talk in the news media of late about something called “hockey,” and given that there are probably some of you who are unfamiliar with the aspects of this activity because it’s not football or, umm, well…football, I have taken it upon myself to offer some pointers and tips and such about this sport. My qualifications include the fact that Birmingham has had many, many hockey games played here. No, I don’t know why. But that doesn’t matter, I’m still an expert on the subject.

1. Object of the game: As with all real sports, such as football, the object is to win by scoring more points than the other team through an intricate set of tactical and strategic movements on the playing field while simultaneously beating the fool out of each other.

2. Field of play: Due to the fact that the contestants wear ice skates instead of football cleats, as a matter of convenience, the field of play is a great big sheet of ice about 2/3 the size of a football field. Although it may seem odd that the players wear ice skates, one must remember that this game originated in the frozen Yankeelands, where it is common for everyone to wear ice skates all the time anyway. The sheet of ice has many pretty colored lines and circles and dots and such painted on it for decoration.

3. Equipment: Long curvy wood clubs are used to beat opposing players and chase around a frozen Moon Pie on the ice. On each end of the sheet of ice, there’s a big square crab net sort of deal and a score is recorded if you manage to get the Moon Pie in the net.

4. Rules of Play: Each team is composed of the same amount of players as in a six-man football squad, with one guy trained to guard the crab net and beat people, and the other ones trained to swat the Moon Pie fiercely toward each other and toward the other team’s crab net, and also to beat people. You cannot pick up the Moon Pie and run with it, nor heave it to one of your teammates, nor kick it through the goal, although if the Moon Pie hits you and bounces in the crab trap, that’s okay. Touchdowns only count one point, and there are no such things as field goals or safeties. Unlike football, there is no snap for each play, and all the players skate around in each others backfields and hit each other with their sticks the whole time.

5. Penalties: As with football, there are referees, and as is common in all sports the officiating squad is assembled from a seemingly endless supply of blind, mentally-deficient nincompoops who have no idea about the rules of the game nor who their real fathers are. They can, however, operate a whistle. And apparently, despite all the walloping that goes on, there are some things that are bad, and so the stripes get to blow their whistles and stop the play. Sometimes if they get really mad, they’ll send a player out to what’s called a “penalty box” although it’s not much of a penalty because they get to sit there and rest and drink alcoholic beverages the whole time. There are several other penalties that can be called, such as “icing,” which has nothing to do with the chocolate stuff on the outside of the Moon Pie, and “offsides,” which is pretty meaningless, since again, there is no snap count and no one lines up against each other and everyone’s just whooshing around beating each other. Sometimes the whole bunch will start wrestling for the Moon Pie and it gets locked up so the refs will stop things and get the Moon Pie and drop it betwixt a couple of players and let them fight for it fair and square. Although it is acceptable to beat on each other, sometimes everyone gets carried away in the moment and they forget all about whacking the Moon Pie into the crab net and all just start grappling and wrestling and beating each other to the exclusion of all else. Although this provides most of the entertainment value of the sport, the black hats look askance at it and after ten or fifteen minutes they break things up and send everyone out for a smoke and alcohol break, and then start over.

6. Hockey Mom: Each player is required to have a mother. The mother is responsible for seeing to it that the player is at the field on time, the player’s skates are tied correctly, and that he has his mouthguard, helmet, pads, wooden club, and a selection of snacks, juice boxes, and smokes and alcohol for sharing after the contest is complete. Each mother is required to be able to field strip a referee into its main components within 20 seconds. Should there be an altercation upon the field of play that continues after regulation time, players are sent to go shower and have a drink, and then each player’s mother completes the altercation in his stead in the parking lot, with points deducted for smudged makeup or broken fingernails. The losing mother in such altercations is required to host the next team hot dish supper, with the winning mother hosting the supper after that.

It really is a very exotic and interesting sport, despite the lack of marching bands or kickoff returns. We hope you have enjoyed this primer on the sport of hockey.

I promise, I had nothing to do with this. Not that I disapprove, of course.

Via Mr. Spud Buddy Marc Velazquez, this: 7 Arrested for Cheering at High School Graduations

COLUMBIA, S.C. — When school officials in Rock Hill, South Carolina, tell graduation ceremony crowds to hold their applause until the end, they mean it — Police arrested seven people after they were accused of loud cheering during the ceremonies.

Six people at Fort Mill High School's graduation were charged Saturday and a seventh at the graduation for York Comprehensive High School was charged Friday with disorderly conduct, authorities said. Police said the seven yelled after students' names were called.

"I just thought they were going to escort me out," Jonathan Orr told The Herald of Rock Hill. "I had no idea they were going to put andcuffs [sic] on me and take me to jail."

And no, I don't know what 'andcuffs' are, although I imagine they're probably something the grammar police use when someone uses conjunctions poorly.

Orr, 21, spent two hours in jail after he was arrested when he yelled for his cousin at York's commencement at the Winthrop University Coliseum.

Rock Hill police began patrolling commencements several years ago at the request of school districts who complained of increasing disruption. Those attending graduations are told they can be prosecuted for bad behavior and letters are sent home with students, said Rock Hill police spokesman Lt. Jerry Waldrop.

All the cases, except for one that includes a resisting arrest charge, will be handled in city court and are punishable by a maximum of 30 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.

Orr said he thinks people should be allowed to cheer.

"For some people, it might be the only member of their family to graduate high school, and it was like a funeral in there," Orr said.

William Massey, 19, was arrested but said he plans to fight the charge. He said he simply "clapped and gave a little whoop" when his fiancee's name was called. Massey said there were warnings before the ceremony but none that said he could be arrested.

He said not everyone who cheered was arrested.

"There's a lot more people that did it than six or seven," said Massey, who graduated from Fort Mill last year.

Fort Mill Principal Dee Christopher says school officials don't ask that offenders be arrested but that he plans to keep a police presence at future graduation ceremonies.

"We think it's important for every graduate's name to be heard and for every person in the arena to be able to see that student cross the stage. ... That's why we have disruptive guests removed," he said.

Last year in Galesburg, Illinois, five students were denied diplomas from the city's lone public high school after enthusiastic friends or family members cheered for them during commencement. Students could get their diplomas after completing eight hours of public service for the school district.

As for me, my thoughts are the same as what I posted below--I don't think it's necessary to scream and whoop, especially if what you're screaming is just stupid, but really, arresting someone is a bit much.

ANYway, Marc says hey to you all and that I need to post something once a week, just to let everyone mingle and comment and stuff. Well, it would be nice, but since this blog has been closed up and retired for nigh onto a year now, it just wouldn't do to come out and post something anymore. Nope--just have to quit cold-turkey, as I already have done, and not post anything at all. Not even a humorous news story.

Not even to talk about the mundane things such as how hot it's been here the past two days, and the fact that Rebecca went and got herself a summer job at the vet's office down at the foot of the hill from where we live (and where we take our animals, thus securing us the coveted employee discount), and how very, very busy I've been at work, and junk like that. None of that anymore, alas.

So, anyway, until the next time I don't have anything to say...

Oh, and by the way...

...you know it's hot when the Nigerian guy in the office is complaining about it.

Stories that are impossible to parody.

Keith Richards working on memoir

[...] Other Rolling Stones have written memoirs, including former bassist Bill Wyman and fellow guitarist Ron Wood, whose book is due this fall. Jagger has reportedly tried writing his autobiography, but given up, claiming he couldn't remember anything of interest. [...]

Quote of the Day!

Courtesy of Big Arm Woman: "There are no dangerous sharks, just dangerous situations."

When I see things like that, I am reminded of something a very wise man once said:

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion, or the tiger, or even the elephant. It's a shark, riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Oh, that's silly.

Whoever heard of a building named "Dave"?!

Ball State names building for Letterman

Anyway, in the spirit of the event, and with apologies to World Wide Pants® and its agents and assigns, the Top Ten Features of the New Dave Communications Building at Ball State University:

10. Photos of Alan Kalter in every classroom to remind students of the horrors of the entertainment business.
9. Lovely Prancing Fluids fountain.
8. Balconies suitable for dropping bowling balls, watermelons, televisions, etc. onto the quad.
7. Fake windows that have breaking glass sound.
6. Entrance has a gap in it just like Dave's teeth!
5. TVs in the lounge play nothing but Conan.
4. Temperature completely adjustable from 32 to 45 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Maintenance crews stay busy rearranging landscaping so ground doesn't look bald.
2. Regis Philbin not allowed within 400 feet of building.

AND the Number One Feature of the New Dave Communications Building at Ball State University...

1. Comes complete with deranged stalker!

Remember the other day?

I posted a comment about an article about some archaeology dig of a bunch of outhouses? And they found something they said was a Bowie knife, but the reporter spelled it "buoy"? That?

Well, this has absolutely nothing to do with any of that.

Quote of the Day

"As anyone can plainly see, I'm 5-6 1/2 and a strapping 150, and unlike some people, I came by all of it naturally."

Outta the park, Bob!

(It's obvious that the juice did nothing to improve Bonds' temper or wit.)

Quote of the Day.

"This is not a cat that's friendly to people."

Well, you got me there.

And the second best quote of the day is in the same article: "[...] it's also possible his behavior could be driven by self-centered pleasures like a heated blanket placed on a dying person."

Cats? Self-centered!? Please.

Stunning Insight!

College libraries not just books

True indeed--they also have co-eds! Which, let's face it, is much more of a draw than books.

Heh.

Hillary: Obama Naive to Suggest Direct Talks with Satan

Of course, according to Hugo, Satan's already our President.

The Game Show Poll

It seems The Price Is Right has had a big surge of popularity today and now leads in the polling, with Jeopardy! coming in with only slight more than half as many votes. Somewhat surprising, since to me, TPIR isn't as much fun as it used to be. Bob seems awfully tetchy these days--grumbly and unnecessarily sarcastic, almost like he's auditioning for Happy Gilmore, II. I always make a point of watching it when I'm off from work during the week, but I still don't think much of it as a game show.

More surprising is that no one has picked Wheel of Fortune. Maybe I'm prejudiced because I have actually held in my hand a makeup sponge that was used to apply makeup to Vanna White's person, but even if I hadn't, it still seems as though it would have gotten at least a few votes.

UPDATE: Seems the power of suggestion is still a strong motivator! Just checked and see that WoF now has a vote! Remember, ever time you vote for Wheel, an angel gets a free spin.

You say...

..."Co-ed Naked Quidditch" like it's a bad thing.

Anyway, the biggest surprise I've found so far in the latest and last Harry Potter book?

SPOILER ALERT--Answer below the jump...

That part where Barney left the key on the peg because he thought it was Otis asleep in the cell, but it was Voldemort, and he got out of jail and stole the squad car, and when Andy back from fishing he got all mad at Barney, and they had to call in the state patrol all the way from Raleigh, but before they could catch him, Goober ran over him with the tow truck.

In fairness, I'm only about halfway through it, so there might be some other surprises along the way.

The other day, when I was...

...contemplating the myriad ways I could attempt to amass a large sum of cash with as little effort as possible, my mind began to wander. Which is dangerous. In any event, I wondered if the Powers That Be would allow someone to attempt to be on every TV network quiz show. I figured probably not, but it would be fun to try. Then I tried to figure out which one, if I had to limit myself, would I most like to try. Although I love watching Jeopardy!, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? is probably better for racking up a sizeable amount of dough in a short period of time, and you're not having to compete against anyone head to head, and you get an unlimited amount of time to agonize. And Meredith Vieira looks a whole lot better in a skirt than Alex Trebeck. (I'm assuming.)

Anyway, which show would YOU most like to be on?

Why I'm glad I have a very large and hard head.

"But he's in great shape," Guilford said.

I agree with the commentors.

This is obviously the sort of behavior one must expect when your husband's in and out of jail.

Woo-Hoo!

Homer homage ruffles Pagans

A 180ft chalk figure of Homer Simpson painted beside the famous Cerne Abbas giant in Dorset hasn't gone down well with the Pagan community.

Springfield's own favourite rude man, dressed only in his briefs and brandishing his beloved doughnut, was painted on the hill to promote the new Simpsons movie.

But Pagans are praying for rain to wash away the display next to the Cerne giant, which is considered to be an ancient symbol for fertility.

Ann Bryn-Evans, joint Wessex district manager for The Pagan Federation, said: "We were hoping for some dry weather but I think I have changed my mind.

"We'll be doing some rain magic to bring the rain and wash it away." [...]

My guess is the Teamsters probably have something to do with it.

How Solar Systems are Organized

Verrrrry Interesting...

On the way home yesterday, I saw a car with a Ron Paul bumper sticker. Yes, believe it or not.

But something about it seemed...odd. And then it began to dawn on me--first of all, the sticker was on the left side of the bumper. Second, it was applied so that the left side of the sticker was higher than the right. And the color of the car? Red.

Obviously, this means that the entire Ron Paul candidacy is nothing but a shadowy Communist conspiracy! The goal? To take over the MOON! It's no coincidence that the first two of the anagrams of "Ron Paul" are "Plan Our" and "Lunar Op."

Just remember, you've been warned!

I question the timing.

New dictionary includes 'ginormous' AP - Tue Jul 10, 7:33 PM ET

Rare giant squid washed up in Australia Reuters - Wed Jul 11, 1:59 AM ET

Ginormari.

Sorry, but...

..."running with the cows" doesn't have much of a ring to it.

Anyway, it must be a slow news day, because this has all the hallmarks of a prank announcement from a bunch of not especially witty college students, especially given Reuters' credulity in reporting it.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

SO, it comes to us that our beloved Terra is sick, according to a widely diverse group of celebrities and politicians.

Fear not, though, for as we all know from reading Reader's Digest, "Laughter is the Best Medicine"--although probably not for things such as cancer and gunshot wounds--but be that as it may, I believe that tomorrow's Live Earth concerts are only a portion of the help our sick planet needs.

It also need laughter.

Therefore, I propose than in partnership with Live Earth, we conduct a companion presentation which shall be called Live Mirth, which will consist of people who aren't willing to attend one of the many concerts sitting around and making fun of the people who do.

As Mr. Blair notes, there's no way we can ever overcome the massive amount of (absolutely necessary!) waste and pillage caused by these concerts, so we must do the next best thing and use them and the attendees as valuable sources of renewable humor. Let's not let this valuable opportunity for healing Mother Earth pass us by!

We thank you for your support. Support of Live Mirth of a monetary nature should be sent directly to me.

So, you say your favorite marsupial-themed blogger...

...has a birthday coming up, eh?

Well, I'm certain there are few things he would want more than one (or SEVEN!) of these babies!

Unless it's several of these.

Seven Wonders of the World?

Feh. I read this story, and all I could think of was how lame the choices are. How could they have left out the Coon Dog Cemetery!? What about the World's Largest Office Chair!? What about the Hueytown Hum!?

I tell you what, the people who come up with these lists really need to get out more.

There are times when you realize...

...that even when you've got an injured car, you're probably still doing okay compared to some folks.

Not Unentertaining in the Least!

We are proud to bring you the very latest in Knock-Knock Joke humor, via our very own humor consultant, my ten-year-old.

The one she told most over the past week is this stellar contribution to the art:

"Knock-knock!"

::sigh::

"Who's there?"

"Jamaican!"

"'Jamaican' who?"

"Whatcha makin'!?"

The lengths to which we will go to keep you engaged and rolling in paroxysms of laughter know no bounds! Please do stay tuned!

I never read any of those slick electronics magazines...

...so I really had no idea what sort of ads they contain.

Ahhh--what would we do without Steevil!?

As part of our ongoing diversionary tactic, he says this: "LOOK! A BADGER!"

Thank you, Steevil!

At Least I Still Have Dave

Dave Helton sent me these, either to cheer me up or finish pushing me over the edge.

(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You will just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Waltham, Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of rawhide, gave it to the chief, and told him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong has ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Thank you, Dave!

YOU Decide!

Such marvelous entries that I simply can NOT decide between them all. SO, in the spirit of democracy, we give you the NAME THAT JUVENILE PEREGRINE FALCON BAND CAPTION CONTEST POLL!

Voting will continue over the weekend and the winner will be announced Monday, if I can remember to announce it.

BABY BIRDS!

Miss Diane up in America's Dairyland has a link to their local electrical energy monopoly's website, where there is a photo show of some baby peregrine falcons they're taking care of.

Miss Janis takes note of this, and says that Possumblog should once again sponsor another contest like the one we did two years ago. It was noted then that ANOTHER set of baby peregrine falcons looked like band musicians, or something, and the similarity to the current Wisconsinoraptors is strikingly similar. Vis.:

THEREFORE, it seems appropriate to have the BIENNIAL "NAME THAT JUVENILE PEREGRINE FALCON BAND CAPTION CONTEST!"

Yay.

The winner(s) will be announced this afternoon sometime, so time is short. As in the inaugural edition of the contest, prizes will consist of a variety of imaginary things that I carry with me in my pockets, such as this Six Flags Over Akron pen, this pencil eraser, this jar of frogs in formaldehyde, and a plug of Old Bloodhound chewing tobacco. All decisions by the judge(s) will be final, unless protest(s) is (are) accompanied by hefty monetary bribe(s), or offer(s) to cut my grass(es).

So, on your marks, get set, CAPTIONATE!

(And no, this time I have no idea what group they most look like. Although Poison comes pretty close.)

I know Dr. Reynolds has been...

...much publicizing the Dangerous Book For Boys here lately.

In that vein, I believe these young men and their nifty homemade motorlesscycles are just the sort of fellows who deserve their own chapter in the next edition of the book.

Just remember, kids--always wear your protective head plumage and loincloths.

(Thanks to Nate McCord, who identifies these boys as members of a Filipino chapter of the Hell's Angels, and says that they scare him.)

Quote of the Day

"She said she got confused"

I wonder.

Was it in any way similar to how Navin Johnson found his?

Paula Abdul found her purpose on 'Idol'

Stupid dogs.

Morgan County leash law hasn't stopped stray dogs

It's like they can't even read or something!

Wild!!

Who says Vegas is where all the action is!? From the Texarkana Gazette, this:

Tour the lake, pet the possum and learn Duct Tape 101 at Millwood State Park

MILLWOOD STATE PARK Activities during the Memorial Day weekend will include lake tours, a class called ‘Duct Tape 101 and pet the possum. Millwood State Park is located nine miles east of Ashdown on Arkansas Highway 32 on the north side of Millwood dam. Activities include: Friday (tonight)

7:30-8:30 p.m. Bingo. Free for the family with Park Interpreter Jennifer Gammon. Small prizes will be awarded. Meet at the pavilion. Saturday 2-2:30 p.m. Play in the sprinklers. Fun for kids of all ages. Meet at the Area C Bathhouse.

3-3:45 p.m. Duct Tape 101 Duct tape has a million and one uses from air conditioner repair to crafts. Learn the history of duct tape and how to useit. How about duct tape roses, wallets and ties? Meet at the picnic tables by Area C Bathhouse. 4:30-6 p.m. Lake tour Join park staff for a cruise around the lake. Tickets go on sale at 4:15 p.m. at the marina. The price is $6 for adults, $3 for children ages 6-12, children under age 6 are admitted free. 7-7:30 p.m. Pet the possum Come see, touch and learn about the states only native marsupial. Meet at the tables by Area C Bathhouse.

8:30-9 p.m. Owl Prowl Join the park staff to call up an owl or two. The park is home to the Great Horned Owls, Eastern Screech Owls and Barred Owls. Meet at the trail head in Area E. Sunday 2-2:30 p.m. Play in the sprinklers Kids of all ages are welcome. Meet at Area C Bathhouse. [...]

"Pet the possum," indeed!

Apparently the elephant left it.

Pajamas yield bonus for charity worker

GREENVILLE, S.C. (AP) — A Goodwill Industries worker who turned in more than $5,000 she found in donated pajama pants will get to keep the money because the owner could not be found. [...]

Biggest disappointment in the whole article?

No mention of Manbearpig.

Although you have to say the kappa comes close: " [...] a green monkey-faced creature that had an appetite for children and cucumbers. Kappas lived in ponds but occasionally walked on land. [...]"

I always suspected as much from the Kappa Sigs I knew down at Auburn.

Statistics!

Steevil, famed NASA scientist who uses mathematics on a daily basis, sends along this interesting bit of information-

A 2006 study by Texas A&M found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad!!

I'll bet...

...it wasn't a Japanese whaling ship--Scare tactic used on wayward whales.

Pure filth.

Simply awful. Nasty, horrid, vile punning.

"An antelope was asked to go to a dance. She bought a new dress and necklace for the dance. Then she had her horns and hooves done. Since she lived alone, she struggled to dress herself. Running late, she encountered a herd of stampeding buffalo approaching the trail. She thought she was fast enough to get past them. But, unfortunately, she was run over by the buffalo. And this is the origin of..."

"...the self-dressed stamped antelope."

My compliments to Nate McCord, who found it at the Grouchy Old Cripple's joint.

Shades of LBJ...

'If I've lost Geeks, I've lost America!'

Why is it...

...I can never have brilliant ideas like this?

(I mean, besides that whole "being a moron" deal.)

Quote of the Day

"And I thought, at this age and stage of my career, what the hell."

Courage.

(Which is what it takes to read the whole story without drowning in the whole mawkish, unintentionally ironic, maudlin, overweeningly prideful, fatuous incomprehensibility of it all.)

Quote of the Day, III

"I'm OK except for a concussion."

Yeah, well, me too.

I post this as a sort of cautionary tale for blogfriendress Megabeth, who has gotten it in her head to bike to work. Here's hoping she has much more success in her effort!

Quote of the Day, II

"What else can you do in a small town?"

Maybe I'm just really creative and inventive, but I think I could come up with a small list of several alternative things. Number One on the list would be to move to a bigger town.

Of course...

...there ARE other things that DO have tails. NO SINGING!

Ad agents don't have tails.

...therefore, one can probably consider them very pipple-like.

For some reason...

...when I read this headline and accompanying story: Georgia, Florida wildfire smoke in Birmingham

...all I could think of was if anyone else remembers the Sanford-Townsend Band.

Some things are important to people.

UA Student Gets Two Bachelors In Two Years

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. - One University of Alabama student is about to accomplish what many would say is almost impossible: graduating from college in two years with two degrees at age 20.

University of Alabama Senior Christopher Culbert only sleeps about four hours a night.

He dedicates 17 hours a day to working on his dual undergraduate degrees in math and physics as well as his mission of developing a smaller but more powerful data storage chip for computers, ipods and digital cameras.

Because hot chicks crave with burning intensity smaller but more powerful data storage chips, and the guys who design them.

That is the only rational explanation.

Quote of the Day.

"Sorry, no gift wrapping, express or rush delivery is available for this item."

Dang. Well, I guess this means I'll have to look for something else for Mother's Day.

Oh, big deal.

3,500 lbs. of bat guano found in attic

BALLSTON SPA, N.Y. (AP) — An upstate New York couple didn't think a few bats in the attic were much of a problem when they were buying a house last summer.

Months later, they found out how wrong they were when they discovered more than a ton and a half of bat droppings up there. [...]

Just wait until those wacky jihadis hear about this.

70-year-old ham back on display in N.C.

RALEIGH, N.C. - A 70-year-old slab of blackened pork went on display in a downtown Raleigh restaurant this week in a curious tradition that began in 1937.

The Mecca Restaurant put the rock-hard country ham in its window Tuesday with a sign saying the 25-pound slab of meat would be displayed for only one day, "for security reasons." It was the ham's first appearance in a dozen years.

"It's an ugly thing, isn't it?" said Paul Dombalis, the restaurant's third-generation owner. "It's just as ugly as it ever was."

Dombalis' grandfather bought the ham from a farmer who was passing through Raleigh in 1937, then placed it in the window. It's unclear exactly why, though Mecca became known as "that restaurant with the ham in the window." [...] [emphasis added]

::snort::

I know how the guy must feel.

If only Alfred Hitchcock were alive.

Pretty birds overrun Kansas town

Although I suppose pretty birds are a lot less terrifying than he would prefer.

And for some reason, I am reminded of Frank Sinatra--"...egrets, I've had a fewwww...."

Bumper Sticker of the Day!

Via noted Quahogger and NASA scientist Steevil, this from Shrink Rap--

Quote of the Day!

"I just wasn't in the right frame of mind that night..."

Yep.

It must be Ticked-Off Tuesday.

At least it BETTER BE, or else Miss Janis will get mad about THAT.

Anyway, she starts it off with this complaint from down in the comment section:

...I have a complaint.

About 3 p.m. yesterday we received a call from the management company at the coast. A DOG was barking in our our unit.

The sons are down there and look at at this, age 32 and 39, they allowed a large dog into the unit on their watch.

A pit bull has no privileges there.

The boys just sold the property,

ANYway, if YOU have something that's bugging the bejabbers out of you today, THIS is the place to let everyone know just exactly how angry you are about it. All we ask is that you limit your naughty language to the typographically euphemistic variety, to whit: !&^^%*(!, ~!+%|@#k, and @$$[()!3.

So, what kind of burr do you have under your saddle?

Mine?

I think it's that my butt and legs are still sore from the sudden unexpected workout on Sunday.

I'd say *&%$# about it, but I'm too sore.

Well, it was funny while it lasted.

Snopes steals our joy, AGAIN!

I had really, REALLY hoped this was true, because I had a whole idea lined up for shipping possums to Japan and selling them as, well, I don't know--prehensile-tailed cats.

Bummer.

::snort::

"Any last words?"

Such cruelty, such unconcern...

...such Big Arms. Why, even now, I too can hear the "sad pan flutes of imminent species decimation at the hands of uncaring man."

::chortle::

By the way, I have cut down drastically on my carbon footprint by allowing my National Geographic subscription to lapse. No more paper and ink and delivery fuel for me, nosiree!

Now if only I could make them stop sending me all those "please, PLEASE resubscribe, or Earth will cease to exist" notices. The neighbors are complaining about all the smoke from the trashfire I have going in the backyard, and those notices make up about 2/3 of the bulk of the fuel.

The return of an oldie but a goodie...

LOOK! A BADGER!

Now you have some idea of exactly why this is such an effective diversionary utterance.

(Hat tip to Dr. Smith.)

"It has the best of rides, it has the worst of rides."

Charles Dickens theme park set to open

Jokeless Punchline of the Day!

Sometimes there are jokes that are funny but just shouldn't be repeated. Like the one Nate just sent me.

However, I feel I must at least give you this...

..."Idaho."

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

A sunny (but overly breezy) jaunt led your humble scribe over to the food court at the lush and begranited Harbert building, where he decided to savor the exotic fare of China and return to you with a bounty of Oriental wisdom!

(I love it when I get to channel Dennis Washburn.)

Anyway, as usual the food was good and this time I actually took the time to sit at a table and people-watch. I am hoping my constant blog-bound badgering of people has had an effect, because there were no major sartorial or personal grooming goofs. Aside from that very large raw-boned woman with the jet black mullet and Herman Munster bangs. But mullets are the new black, so it's poor form to mock them and their wearers. You might not realize it, but Sanjaya will be wearing one on American Idol tonight as he sings "Stand By Your Man."

IN ANY EVENT, as you've all come to expect, some words from the East...

First up:

Next full moon brings an enchanting evening.

Oooooh--by my calendar that's Wednesday, May 2. I do so hope Tim the Enchanter doesn't show up. Always with the fireballs, you know.

Next:

You could prosper in the field of medicine.

You know, that is just so true. I think it would be a great idea to quit my job and get accepted to medical school and become a emotionally damaged and curmudgeonly--but kind at heart--television doctor like that House guy.

Or, you know, just keep claiming to be Dr. Possum.

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

14 30 35 36 47 49

and

5 26 30 32 37 41

I am not hip enough...

..to read Rolling Stone, but luckily Jim Smith is, and sends along this link to their Top 25 Songs with a Secret list. (Content warning)

I don't know, but just like sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sometimes a song is just a song. There seem to be an inordinate number of these that the editor(s) believe to be of a more base nature, but if you actually read the lyrics, some of them can be made to mean whatever you want them to.

Sorta like the title of this blog.

::wink::wink::

::nudge::nudge::

Say no more, eh!?

Today's Words of Wisdom

Brought to you by Nate McCord, who reminds you...

Never anger a guy who knows how to operate a backhoe.

New! BOLD! EDGY!!

Looks like someone else is trying to beat me at my own game: Tourism test ad: Don't come to W. Va.

[...] The don't-come-here ad is in addition to a new campaign that pits humdrum life situations against the thrill of escaping to West Virginia.

"It's a less traditional approach to tourism advertising," said Liz Chewning, the division's travel and marketing director.

Standard travel ads, which entice visitors by displaying the state's natural beauty, aren't doing the job they once did. So reverse psychology is meant to provide a little shock value. [...]

That should pretty much guarantee plenty of shock value AND keep anyone from ever visiting again AND get rid of Robert Byrd. It's a win-win-win!

Thank me later, West Virginia.

Crazy Danged Australians

Tim Blair says they're up to (or down to) some new scheme again, and it's just all a big pile of confusion, and the commentors aren't helping a thing!

It's all very baffling and makes my brain have sharp stabby pains.

And add to this the fact that my calendar says it's springtime, and come to find out people down there call it autumn.

What sort of joint are you guys running down there!?

Lollipop Guild Goes Bad!

Malaysian police detain 'midget' gang

And then Pooh said...

..."Oh, bother."

Sometimes...

...I have nightmares that look like this.

Well, I guess this means Brian Setzer is going to be the next celebrity in rehab.

Stray cats enter home, attack women, boy

Hmm?

Not the band!?

Well.

Never mind.

Some men dream.

Some men dream big.

Now THAT, readers, is a deer stand.

(Many thanks to Nate McCord for that one.)

Nate's Got a Good Idea.

Something we haven't done in a few weeks--it's the Return of Ticked-Off Tuesday, and Osmondia's own Nate McCord leads the curmudgeon cavalcade with this tale that's too complicated for me to follow because it uses acronyms and involves some sort of mathematics!

Got something similar that has ticked you off? Angry at the minor inconveniences that plague us? So full of indignation that you can't get your day going? Well, let loose here in the comments, and let us know what's peeved YOU this morning!

Me? I'm angry that I didn't have time to stop for gas this morning, and that said gasoline has gone up 20 cents in the past two weeks for absolutely NO good reason. Why, it's enough to make me consider walking to work. I figure if I start out at 6:00 a.m., I should get here about lunchtime. Then I could eat, and then start walking back home and maybe get there by suppertime. Then I could eat and go to bed.

Grr.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Once more it's time to partake of the delicious spicy wisdom of the ancient Chinese!

First up, this:

You will receive unexpected support over the next week. Accept it graciously.

Of course, now that I expect it, it's going to be a bit more difficult to be gracious about it. I'll do my best, though.

Next we have:

The most direct approach isn't always the best. Use diplomacy.

It's so comforting to know that Kofi Annan managed to find gainful employment in the fortune cookie biz! I didn't even know he was Chinese!

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

10 23 37 38 41 46

and

3 20 35 36 47 48

So sad.

Two clowns shot dead at circus

The ever-empathetic Jim Smith wrote in wondering: "I wonder if they stuffed them both into a tiny little ambulance."

One can only hope.

Things that give me the heebie-jeebies.

Colossal squid.

Right now--that's at the very top of the list. I think it's the tentacle/mouth-hole thing that does it.

::full body shiver::

UPDATE 1:23 CT: Climbing up the list fast.

And please, no 'hanging chad' jokes.

Here's hoping he forgot the landing, too.

Man glad he can't remember 16-story fall

I'm no thespian...

...but the idea of this intrigues me: Maytag casting for new 'Ol Lonely.

Sounds like a super gig! I may have to send in a video--as you know, writing a blog is great practice to portray the lonely and disaffected.

Not another one!

What a sad cry for help. (hehee)

But before we get to that-- UPDATED!

--just a word to let you all know my family and I are safe. Why do I mention this? Because East Carolina's own Dr. James Smith saw an article in their local newspaper and thought possibly my house had been broken into:

Handguns, Bibles stolen

[...] A 69-year-old woman reported that several items were stolen from her house on the 200 block of Fairlane Road on Friday. Among the items were three handguns, six bracelets, 10 rings, 20 earrings, five necklaces and three Bibles. [...]

But we appreciate the concern for our well-being!

UPDATE: The lovely Jordana Adams (to whom I've never done ANYthing to warrant such attention) sends along the following with this advice: "You know if you didn't go out looking like the picture I'm attaching, you'd have fewer problems with being mistaken as a woman."

Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME! But I simply cannot help the way I look. Click in the extended entry to see what Jordana's talking about.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Since it's so chilly, nothing goes down better than a hot bowl of hot and sour soup and some kung pao chicken, and nothing warms up the brain like the saying of some good old-fashioned Oriental sooth.

SO, let's crack open the first one and see what we have:

You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.

Whew! I was worried about sinking all that money into that Chinese ant-breeding business, but I guess I shouldn't be.

Next up,

A cheerful letter or message is on its way to you.

I'm assuming they mean something other than the two fortunes I've just read. I wonder what it could be?! An invitation to take tea with the lovely Duchess of Cornwall? A note from Publishers Clearinghouse? My lab results? I'm simply giddy at the prospects!

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

4 22 36 40 43 44

and

25 28 39 42 47 49

Smart feller, smart feller, I smell a...

GOOD MORNING! Famed NASA scientist (although not currently involved in any love triangles--that we know of) and smart guy Steevil sends along this intelligence test that you all may wish to participate in to determine exactly how smart you are!

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?










The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?











Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?











Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?











Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you lea rn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

One of those quips you can't say to just anybody.

Rode down in the elevator just now with a coworker.

Says me, "How's it going?"

Says she, "Fine I guess. Just trying to survive. Got seven more years of this place."

Quiet.

Doors open, walk toward snack bar.

Says me, "Just hope that you aren't working for Rachel and find out you've wound up with Leah."

Took her half a second, and then she got a big laugh out of it.

Hmm. I wonder if they have my buck-and-a-quarter quarterstaff?

Thrift shopper recovers Mobile archbishop's stolen crosier

MOBILE, Ala. (AP) — A gold crosier shepherd's crook stolen from Roman Catholic Archbishop Oscar H. Lipscomb's unlocked parked car has been recovered by a man who bought it at a thrift store in west Mobile.

It's the second item stolen from the car that has been recovered in recent weeks by thrift store shoppers. A pectoral cross worn by bishops was returned to Lipscomb last month.

Clinton McInnis of Chunchula said he paid $10.96 for the crosier on Jan. 26 to add to his walking cane collection. It is valued at $6,000, church officials said. [...]

McInnis said he knew the staff wasn't a cane when he came home and put it together but still had no idea exactly what it was. McInnis said he read in the Press-Register about the return of the pectoral cross and then realized what he had bought. [...]

Stolen items still missing include a pallium, which is a white band ornamented with six small black crosses that can only be replaced by the Vatican; a gray traveling case with church papers; and four mitres, ornate headdresses with decorative tails called lappets. [...]

How Could I Forget!?

(PNN) PINCHGUT CREEK, AL

It's Groundpossum Day!

The famed groundpossum Trussville Terry emerged from under the multiple layers of blankets on his bed this morning at 5:30 CT, turned on the local news, propped up on his arm, watched the weather and traffic mini-updates, and then fell back to a fitful slumber before awakening himself again at 5:52 a.m. with a thunderous burst of flatulence.

Crowds gathered at the annual event held in this quiet Alabama suburb applauded briefly before clutching their noses and gagging.

Further distress was visited upon the onlookers when the groundpossum rolled off the edge of the bed at 5:57 a.m. and stood beside it, removed his sleeping attire, then proceeded to vigorously groom his stomach and chest hair with a hairbrush he had found nearby.

The groundpossum then went into the bathroom and closed the door.

Local lore indicates that his actions this morning predict six more weeks of blogging.

BURMA!!

That is all.

I was just enjoying all my spam e-mail...

...when suddenly the thought crossed my mind--wouldn't it be neat if you were a female stockbroker for a discount brokerage, and your name was "Penny Stocks"?

I think it would be.

I know I am a bad person.

But when I read this story, all I could think about was this:

Hmm.

Sounds like the Bulldogs or Georgia Tech are REALLY gonna make a push to win the national championship in football next year!

I have to think, though, that using a nuclear weapon would be an equipment violation, like not having your mouthguard in. And seems like if they did use it, it would be terrible for concession sales.

Hmm?

What?

DAGNABBIT! I have TOLD everyone we have GOT to figure out a different name for the former Confederate States' Georgia and the former Soviet Union's Georgia! Can't we call the one over there "Georgski" or something?

Speaking of food...

...just opened an e-mail from my buddy Oscar and it's too good to not share.

A few days before Christmas, the FedEx truck dropped Grandpa a big box from his grandson who worked for a big oil company in South America. Gramps opened the box and found that he had received a big beautiful green bird with a red topknot on its head. The bird was huge and it didn't take Grandpa long to de-feather the creature and put him in the oven with sweet taters and stuffin'.

About the middle of January, Sonny called and asked if his grandparents had gotten the box on Christmas, and Grandpa said, "Yes we did son, and it was really delicious."

"You don't mean to tell me you ate that bird!?"

Gramps assured him that they did.

The young man nearly screamed into the phone, "Why, that was one of the smartest birds in the whole world! It was worth a fortune! He could speak three languages!"

Then Grandpa said...

"Well, he should have said something."

That's a simple question.

Man arrested for smuggling 500 parrots in a car

ALMATY, Jan 23 (Reuters Life!) - Kazakh border guards arrested a man trying to smuggle 500 parrots in his car from neighbouring Uzbekistan, media reported on Tuesday. [...]

It was unclear how the parrots fit into the Kazakh man's Audi. [...]

(Based upon the ancient wisdom, "How do you fit four elephants into a Volkswagen?" "Simple--two in the front seats, two in the back seats.")

Humorous Made-Up Spam Name of the Day!

"Prefecture J. Panic"

And unfortunately, not selling anything even remotely interesting.

Artificial WHAT!?

Oh, good grief. Just listening to the radio now, and a nice old feller called up and was talking about this buddy of his who'd had fallen out of a tree stand and "th' amma-lance come and got him up, and they started doing that artificial insemination on him and then took him to the hostpital."

The DJs, bless 'em, showed remarkable restraint in allowing the remark to go by with relatively little in the way of cackling and hooting.

Pencil Sharpening Seminar

Miss Janis expressed her desire for us to get on with the pencil sharpening seminar I promised yesterday afternoon.

And so we shall.

Often, people in this hurly-burly, harem-scarem, electronic world in which we live think that the humble pencil has outlived its usefulness. It has not. But as with all useful things, it does require some setup and occasional maintenance to perform properly.

And in an odd way, it's comforting that not only has the computer not supplanted the pencil, it has instead become one of the best tools and resources to ensure proper pencil care!

Indeed, the "Internet" is a treasure trove of valuable information, and makes teaching this seminar so much easier. One need only look at this list of incredible "websites" that offer skills and tips for everyone from novice to expert to see what exciting times we have come to live in.

From eHow, How to Sharpen a Pencil.

From wikiHow, How to Sharpen a Pencil

And from a girl named Karen, How to Sharpen a Pencil.

"BUT!" you are apt to gasp, "aren't these sites all done by mere amateurs? Where is the professional instruction we so crave!?"

Do not be alarmed--as with every other question, it can easily be answered by using a computer. The Derwent Cumberland Pencil Company of Keswick, Cumbria, England (a deeply respected professional firm recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the maker of the World's Longest Pencil) has a highly informative section detailing in great detail the details necessary to apply a professional, executive-grade point to a wide variety of pencils. (An alternative .pdf formatted version of the information may be found here.)

Derwent also has a fascinating history of the pencil that is NOT to be missed, covering, as it does, the fascinating history of the pencil.

For those who do not wish to partake of the above information, we will now begin our live demonstration period of the seminar.

1. Get a pencil.

2. Clear all other thoughts from your mind, with the possible exception of someone you detest.

3. Imagine the pencil is the person you detest.

4. Break the pencil into small bits.

5. Get another pencil.

6. Place pencil in a suitable sharpening device such as a pencil sharpener.

7. Cry softly from the pain of the hurtfulness of the person you detest.

8. Begin twisting his body in the sharpener as his head is slowly and methodically peeled to reveal his black, black core.

9. Break pencil into small pieces, and empty shavings from pencil sharpening device.

10. Get another pencil.

11. Forget person you detest, as holding such feelings is obviously counterproductive and not conducive to good mental health.

12. Place pencil into sharpening device, and instead, think of someone you are quite fond of.

13. Become fascinated by the visual representation of a cylindrical object being placed into a compatible circular receptacle while thinking of the person of whom you are quite fond, and suddenly find that you've become slightly too fascinated by the inherent implications of your task at hand.

14. Squelch this fascination at once by vigorously operating the pencil sharpening device as quickly as possible while repeatedly thinking, "ouch! ouch! ouch!"

15. Continue sharpening until the point is sufficiently sharp enough to use.

16. Blow remaining shavings from tip of pencil and apply to paper.

17. Break pencil lead. Repeat Steps 14 through 16.

We hope this has been helpful for you today. Each of you will receive a certificate indicating your participation in the seminar, although we ask your patience as the printer is out of ink.

Thank you again.

Now, I am not advocating for the gambling trade.

I believe it to be an unwholesome thing to engage in, even if a bunch of lying white people came in and took away all your land.

However, this story from Great Britain caught my eye: Is poker game of skill or chance?

By Mike Collett-White
Tue Jan 16, 9:03 AM ET

LONDON, Jan 14 (Reuters Life!) - A court in East London is expected to decide this week whether poker is a game of skill, chance or a combination of both.

A jury has been asked to weigh up the role played by Lady Luck in the world's most popular card game, after police accused a club owner of illegally hosting a poker session and levying winnings and stakes without a license.

Britain's Gambling Act states that a license is needed for hosting a game of chance but not those of skill, like chess. [...]

I known not if the bewigged barristers of Londinium would care to use such precedent, coming as it does from the rude American frontier, but I can tell them right now if they care to employ the same method of experimentation, it will be equally eye-opening (and pocket-emptying) for them.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Just took a brief stroll over to the food court at the AmSouth-Harbert, and I have to tell you--this global warning stuff is INCREDIBLE! I love being able to get out and stroll along in shirtsleeves under a shiny blue sky with the thermometer reading a toasty 65 degrees in the middle of January!

ANYway, time once again to honor our inscrutable Chinese ancestors with readings from their mystical chronicles, lovingly snipped from the ancient texts and placed conveniently inside wonderful edible desserts.

First up:

You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend.

Deuce it ALL! These hardy and conscientious peoples and their uncanny future-predicting ability! Now, if only I knew what different something I will be enjoying... Maybe it will be rolling naked in a giant pile of $100 bills! Oh, I mustn't be so greedy--even rolling naked in a giant pile of $1 bills would be different enough to satisfy me! And I bet the neighbors will be much less suspicious of me since I won't just be rolling naked in the front yard as I usually do.

Next up:

Stay close to your inner self. You will benefit in many ways.

That is just so true.

You know, when I tell people how smart and talented I am, and how much stupider they are than me, I often forget to mention the one thing about me that is really the truest part of my inner self, that being my modesty. I think that modest inner self of mine is what sets me apart from all those show-offy type people who don't know when to shut up. I know that staying closer to it will doubtless help me point out to other people their many weaknesses, but in a way that they'll actually take to heart, since it comes from someone who is truly modest. Such good advice those Chinese have!

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS!

4 6 11 32 38 46

and

8 20 22 42 45 48

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

But that's also partially due to the fact that my head is overly large. In any event, I wish to thank Jordana for allowing me to find out my inner royalty.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: His Exalted Highness Duke Possum the Crepuscular of Piddletrenthide on the Carpet Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

BOLD FASHION!

As you all know, I am nothing if not stylish, and am often called upon to give my opinions on the latest fashions and designers and trends.

Given my incredible insight, I have to tell you that I am certain these will catch on VERY quickly, so get yours today!

The tee-shirt is kinda nice, too.

The English Language...

...and why I love it so.

And the new content just keeps on coming!

As part of our ongoing effort in 2007 to reach out to a younger, hipper audience for Possumblog, I will now perform an extended solo guitar version of Molly Hatchet's Whiskey Man.
















I know you youngsters out there enjoyed that just as much as I did, but just you wait! Once I figure out how to record a digital sound file and put it on here, and how to play the guitar, we're REALLY gonna kick it!

BOLD! RACY! EDGY!

As part of my expressed desire to be much more shameless in building Possumblog readership by appealing to the more licentious and vulgar sorts who inhabit the Internet, I will continue to post pictures of myself in various sultry poses and states of undress.

Caution--may be NSFW!!

SHOCKING FULL FRONTAL FURRINESS!!

(Photo via this interesting Italian site.)

Given recent events--

--there is without a doubt a very mean and juvenile (yet timely) jest to be made based upon this headline: Ford holds off Toyota in December.

I shall NOT be the one to make it, however. I do have my standards, after all.

Okay, look, I realize this whole coaching thing is important to a lot of people, but...

...this is not the way to handle things! Orange Beach charter boat captain accused of shooting dolphin

Just give it enough money and it'll do what you want it to, okay!?

SABAN TO TAKE ALABAMA HEAD COACH JOB

TUSCALOOSA, AL (PNN) Sources have told news media that former Miami Dolphins head coach Nick Saban will be accepting a contract offer as the new head coach of the University of Alabama. UA has reportedly offered Saban over $35 million and a personalized berth in the Tuscaloosa Yacht Club in a deal which will make Saban the highest paid coach in all of college football.

Angry Crimson Tide fans, many of who were pressing for the University to spend as much money as possible and do whatever was necessary to hire anyone, including Saban (touted by some as the second coming of Ray Perkins), immediately began calling on University officials to fire Saban, noting that no Alabama team coached by Saban had ever beaten cross-state rival, Auburn University.

Cooler heads may prevail, however, with University of Alabama athletic director Mal Moore asking fans for their patience and to withhold criticism until Saban is assigned an office and a telephone. "After then," he said, "all bets are off."

Speaking of Stonehenge...

Here's a little something for the Druid on your Christmas list!

From the "Beyond the Ability to be Parodied" File

Pooping peasant popular in Spain

BARCELONA, Spain - The Virgin Mary. The three kings. A few wayward sheep. These are the figures one expects to find in a traditional Christmas nativity scene. Not a smartly dressed peasant squatting behind a rock with his rear-end exposed.

Yet statuettes of "El Caganer," or the great defecator in the Catalan language, can be found in nativity scenes, and increasingly on the mantelpieces of collectors, throughout Spain's northeastern Catalonia region, where for centuries symbols of defecation have played an important role in Christmas festivities.

During the holiday season, pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces, and on Christmas Eve Catalan children beat a hollow log, called the tio, packed with holiday gifts, singing a song that urges it to defecate presents out the other end. [...]

(Obviously, we have just as much sophistication here in this country.)

Okay, everyone seems to be in the mood for it.

It's Ticked-Off Tuesday, ever'body!!

Yay!

Got a problem of a minor, yet highly annoying nature? Does it make you utter minor oaths under your breath? Are you looking for a place to vent?

Well, well, WELL! Have YOU come to the right place! Because here, on Tuesdays, you can take care of all those troublesome foibles of modern-day living by complaining vociferously about them in the comments below. Oh, sure, we might tease you for being so hypersensitive about quibbling trifles, but feel free to complain about that as well!

SO, what's got you so miffed? Just remember, this is a family blog, and so any uncouth language should be thoroughly euphemized to avoid having to place a nickle in the cuss jar.

Me?

Well, I tell you what, this article (thanks, Dr. Reynolds!) sorta makes me feel like maybe it's time to move the UN to someplace more amenable to the hearty, hard-working makeup of its leadership and management cadre. Maybe some place like the middle of the Gobi Desert. Or maybe one of those neato glass-enclosed sea-bottom lairs like you see in the James Bond movies. (Except without the glass enclosure.)

*@*%$&^$ed bunch of worthless devils.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Yes, I know--I should be working, but I had to stop and eat and try to get my head unclogged with a heaping helping of kung pao chicken and hot and sour soup. So far, it's working pretty well. I need a bucket of some sort under my nose, but it is nice to be able to breathe, at least for a little while.

Before we start, however, a bit of chiding is in order. If you have kung pao on the menu, and someone orders it, don't confuse things when you call out the person's order by saying, "KUNG PAO CHICKEN! SPICY!" And then turn around and call out ANOTHER person's order by saying simply, "KUNG PAO CHICKEN!" Because it makes it sound like someone ordered the spicy with the idea of it being more spicy than usual. Especially when the guys in the back who were cooking it went to the trouble of marking the box lid with a special "SP" abbreviation. Yes, I DO know that kung pao chicken is spicy, so you don't have to tell me that. But surely you must understand I thought I got someone else's order, right? I mean, what with you calling out two different things for the same dish and all?

Maybe it's just me.

ANYWAY, time to delve into the mysteries of the Ancient Orient. The first message today is:

You prefer to use your energy in cooperative ventures rather than alone.

Astoundingly accurate! I know for a fact I would get little done without the input and cooperation of the voices in my head.

Next up:

You are sensitive and look deeply into yourself and others.

That is just so true.

Oh, sure--people complain about my x-ray vision, but I understand why they might be uncomfortable, and due to my sensitivity to those feelings, I use my power only when people don't know I'm using it.

As for looking deeply inside myself, well, that's just for fun.

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

9 15 19 36 43. 18

and

5 16 24 39 41. 26

Now then, back to work.

Comedy Doctor!

Back in August, I wrote a snippy post about a study I'd read about regarding the funniest accent in the UK, which turned out to be the one spoken by the folks in Birmingham. IN the course of the article, it noted the researcher had used the caption of a Far Side cartoon as the joke, but it wasn't clear from the report that it had started out as a cartoon, which made it sound like the research team were just repeating something without context. And I really believe the caption was funnier with the accompanying artwork. And I thought it was rather incredible that there are actually people who go around studying stuff like this.

IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when the good doctor who conducted the study stopped by to say that the research did acknowledge the source of the joke, that people did indeed do research on funniness, and further that said doctor was not a man, as I had thought, but a woman! Oops.

SO, I have since corrected the entry to make all the hes into shes, stated my mea culpas for my mistaken assumptions, and made the unprecedented step of naming Dr. Harbidge as the Axis of Weevil Distinguished Chair of Comedic Studies. Hopefully this will allow us to offer the best, executive level of humor (or should I say humour) for your dollar.

You are welcome.

Now then, back to work.

Ticked-off Tuesday!

YAY!! Everyone loves to complain, and everyone loves a complainer!!

And the morning started out so nicely.

But to the schmoe in the spiffy new PT Cruiser, next time you see a faded silver Volvo merging onto the Interstate ahead of you, it would be inadvisable to ever again try to speed up and cut off the driver.

Because you see, dear Moparetard, he had on his turn signal from the time he got on the entrance ramp, and was matching speed with the car ahead of him, and frankly, he couldn't care less if you want to smear your front bumper against the rear of his. So all of your minor theatrics of boiling up on his bumper and acting as though YOU were the one cut off only gave that perturbed Volvo driver a greater determination to use the traffic conditions and his superior sense of timing to make sure you never get ahead of him.

When you whipsawed over into the center lane, the Volvo driver could see up ahead that everyone was stopping, so your smugness when your maneuver got you one car length ahead quickly dissipated when that stupid slow Volvo cruised on past.

When you managed to catch up to it again, somehow the Volvo driver managed at the very last second to trap you behind some little old lady; yet another person whom you once again tried to intimidate by your little character flaw of reckless tailgating.

For all your sudden blasts of acceleration and stand-it-on-its-nose brake applications and rudeness toward others and exasperation, you managed to get nowhere any faster than that hateful faded silver Volvo, which you wound up not being able to pass all the way from Trussville to the 22nd Street exit.

Sir, there is a difference between driving fast and driving quickly.

SO, that little irksome detail of modern life has now gone by the wayside, and I feel much better belittling the person who caused me such tremendously minor grief. Do YOU have a complaint so minor that you'd otherwise be ashamed to even admit to it? What better place than here, on Mindlessly-Miffed Tuesday, to let loose and tell everyone your thoughts on the matter!

Got a peeve today? Tell us and allow us to either mock or comfort you in your distress. Just remember, if you get really angry, the management asks you to employ a healthy ration of jarns, nittles, grawlix, and quimps in order not to frighten the animals.

(Thanks to Jim Smith for the link.)

Dang. There goes my plans for a nice little retirement place.

Via noted NASA rocket surgeon Steevil (not his real name), comes this information about all my vast lunar landholdings:

NASA crushes lunar real estate industry
Moon base will not be a squat

By Chris Williams
Published Friday 8th December 2006 12:15 GMT

NASA has confirmed its moon base will not illegally occupy other people's land.

The news deals a crushing blow to the dreams of thousands of idiots, who coughed the cash for their very own patch of dusty countryside on the moon. NASA announced earlier this week it would start building a permanent lunar outpost in 2020.

A NASA spokesman told us: "Property rights on the moon are governed by the United Nations. Those are all just frauds."

It transpires the moon comes under the same jusisdiction as international waters. [...]

Well, poop. Good thing I paid for them with counterfeit money, I guess.

BREAKING!

Alabama names new head coach!

Okay, I don't care who you are or what you look like...

...this is just a hoot--`Two-A-Days' sparks wardrobe war

TROY GOODMAN
News staff writer

The latest T-shirt fad at Vestavia Hills High School comes with a hefty dose of ribbing for archrival Hoover High.

More than 780 students, parents and supporters are wearing short- and long-sleeve shirts bearing the phrase, "It only takes us One-A-Day," on the back. The shirts poke fun at the popular TV reality show "Two-A-Days," which follows Hoover's football program.

The two schools meet tonight in a state Class 6A football semifinal. The Bucs (12-1) narrowly beat Vestavia Hills (11-2) in a game earlier this season.

Elliott White, a Vestavia Hills High senior, designed the shirt as part of a Junior Achievement economics project. He and many of his classmates feel that the MTV show stresses drama over athletic ability.

White said the T-shirt is a way to say his school's team has star power on the field. "It was funny to make fun of it," he said. "And it was not really to make fun of the school, it was to make fun of the show." [...]

I feel much better about America's youth when I read stories like this.

"Smart feller, smart feller, I smella..."

Look! Via the ever-efficient Jordana Adams, a quiz I can do real good on!

And no, I didn't cheat.

Oh, and speaking of quiet professionalism...

Nothing says it quite like Space Pen.

You know,

I really like the canned pork shoulder and ham product with the brand name Spam^tm. I know some people don't, and for some people with dietary restrictions, it's a no-no, but I really do like it. But for the past two days, Possumblog has been inundated with comment spam, and it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and to make it worse, Mu.nu's servers have been overloaded so that the e-mail notification has been down, which means this junk tends to pile up to the point that you have hundreds of spam messages to delete, and without the handy despamming tool you've grown accustomed to, it takes forever, and THAT makes me mad, too.

I hadn't intended on having Furious Tuesday this week, what with Thanksgiving only two days away, but @^@%!* it all, I've got my blood all angried up and I have to let off some steam.

I also would like to suggest I would be much less put off by looney Muslims if they'd do something useful with their mad jihad skilz and issue some fatwahs against spammers. Just a suggestion.

ANYWAY, do YOU have something making trouble for you this morning? Unload here your angrified rant, but please remember to not launch into a racial-slur laden tirade if anyone heckles you. Just remember, using @^%!$&&*! instead of the alternative will save you a world of apologizing.

SO, have at it, Ticked Off People!

And while we're a'taunting...

This little gem from James Joyner.

As the kids say, "pwn3d!"

I don't usually pass along e-mails...

But this one from famed NASA rocket scientist (and son) Steevil is darned funny.

SUBJECT: Ahhhhh.... sons!

For those of us who have sons & those who are happy that you don't. You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

The PHOTO SECTION that preceded the written part is even better. This isn't all of them, since a couple of them were a bit too outlandish (although not the least bit unbelievable). Click here--I had to make a separate html file for it because I couldn't get the pictures copied as jpegs for some reason (i.e., incompetence).

HEY! What ever happened to Ticked Off Tuesday!?

Why, it's enough to make me say @#?**&!

Well, let's not let this go today! Got a minor beef so inconsequential you feel ashamed to even mention it, but it still irks the hanner out of you anyway and you feel like you're just going to pop if you don't get it off your tiny heaving chest? Do the conveniences of the modern industrial world conspire against your well-being? Did you have a pratfall? Do you need a pratlift and can't afford it?

WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN HERE to vent!?

Well, I can think of better places, but this is what we have right now. (Which should be worthy of a complaint or two in its own right.)

SO, what's making you so miffed today?

Me?

Oh, nothing ever bothers me. Not even a litter box full of cat poop.

Why would an aardvark...

...even CONSIDER prancing about in a spotted leopard-print leotard in Temple, Texas?

You know what I just realized?

It's NOVEMBER!

How did that happen?

Anyway, I think I have finally gotten unfrustrated enough to be chipper enough to blog, and as a direct response to Skinnydan, who asked yesterday if instead of actually being busy, I was actually suffering from blogui, having written all there is to write about kittens and deep-fried panda, I would like to say this:

No. NO! NO, Mr. Smartypants!

I am perfectly able to blog with the same tenacity and ferocity and idiocy that has always been a trademark of Possumblog.

Therefore, allow me to give you--

Grandma's Deep Fried Panda with Kitten Gravy!

I remember it with fondness, as Granny would send us out into the back 40 with a .22 and a sprig of bamboo to find us a panda, and the warm hearty smell of a big pan of fritters when we got back from a long afternoon hunt.

INGREDIENTS

1 Panda
6 eggs
2 cups flour
Salt, pepper, ginger, sage, poultry seasoning, etc.
Oil for frying
Milk

Field dress panda, rinse with clear water, pat dry.

Mix eggs, flour and any combination of the spices above for a variety or about 1 tsp. salt and 1 tsp. pepper. Alternate beating and adding about 1 tbsp. of milk until the mix has thinned enough to jiggle when shaken. Continue to beat with a fork until the ingredients are thoroughly blended. Place panda in bowl and stir until well coated.

Drop panda in hot oil. Stir and turn until golden brown making sure it does not stick to fry pan.

GRAVY INGREDIENTS

Kittens
Flour
Oil
Water
Salt, pepper

Heat oil and add equal parts kittens and flour, stirring constantly to form stiff paste. Slowly add water and continue stirring until lumps disappear. Add seasoning to taste and serve hot over panda.

MMmmmm!! Just the way Grandma used to make it!

Speaking of Frustrating

That copier out there is about to drive me nuts. Oh, sure--"Short drive" you jape. But it keeps jamming up and I have to jam my porky little fingers into its innards trying to get out 450.89 degree paper. To make it even worse, someone printed out something on the printer, yet never came to get it, and when I printed out my stuff, I just absentmindedly picked up the whole stack, so when I went to make my copies, I got their stuff and my stuff all mixed together in my mailout and made 50 copies of it, which promptly went into the recycle bin/guilt assuager.

Yes, I missed Angry Tuesday yesterday because of having to do my real job, and now THIS comes up, and boy, I just want to say &&%&$@#!

If YOU'D like to say the same thing about the inconsequentially minor aggravations of life, please feel free to hold forth in the comments below. Just remember that this is a family blog, so don't go off and start saying stuff like @$$wit and (H&*^.

I don't care who you are or what you look like...

...this is funny: Ala. etiquette maven tricked in to appearing in new 'Borat' film.

By BOB CARLTON
The Associated Press

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) — Etiquette expert Cindy Streit got punk'd by Borat.

The ever-proper Birmingham grandmother has unknowingly become the target of British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's outrageous humor in his upcoming movie satire "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan."

Streit's faux pas? Being a gracious Southern hostess.

"We were (Baron Cohen's) innocent victims, and his brand of humor depends on innocent victims," Streit said Monday. [...]

"I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to display some of our positive strengths," Streit said. "I'm proud to be an American, so I wanted to show this man our gracious Southern hospitality."

She did some checking around, and everything appeared to be on the up-and-up.

So Streit arranged for her and some other unsuspecting guests — including broadcasting executive Ben McKinnon, Republican fund-raiser Sarah Moseley and Mountain Brook Presbyterian Church pastor Cary Speaker — to meet Baron Cohen for dinner at Magnolia Springs Manor in Helena.[...]

"He insulted all of us, but we sat there and took it because we thought we were really going to make a difference," Moseley said. "So we were angry when we found out that we had been duped." [...]

::giggle::

Ahem. Sorry.

GRR!

Good thing it's Tuesday, because after yesterday spent not blogging, it appears that I have a pile of COMMENT SPAM to get rid of this morning! @#&**!*%$

Darn this modern world and its woes!

You know what else? I've been taking Mucinex to loosen up the crud in my lungs and head, and it makes me smell funny. You know the effect you smell when you eat asparagus? Well, I've got that, except that instead of that weird asparaguspee smell, the closest thing I can say it smells like is someone cooking green beans with a piece of ham hock in the pot.

Yeah, I know, you'd think that would be a GOOD thing, but I find it highly disconcerting.

**&^!~?**

::shakes fist at minor inconveniences::

AND THUS, we take yet another opportunity to ignore the benefits of technology, freedom, and progress to complain about matters so inconsequential that they defy logic! Yes, it's Ticked Off Tuesday! Got a complaint? A problem? Just need to kvetch? Well, here's the place to get it off your chest. We ask only that you bridle your more base literary inclinations and indicate profanity, vulgarity, cursing, blasphemy, etc., by the use of the standard keyboard symbols such as ~!@, or #@@(, and/or *&^%.

SO, what's YOUR complaint?

High Culture.

You know, when people look disdainfully upon me for my unsophisticated manners and my dwelling place made amongst the savages of Flyover Country, I used to despair at my plight.

But now, I can no longer be ashamed!

It has come to my attention that I live in as cultured and refined a locale as anyone else, as witnessed by the fact that one of our local theatre (note the hifalutin transposition of letters that mark me as a man of learning) companies will be performing this: BAT BOY - THE MUSICAL.

Take that, snobs and swells!

(And for the story behind the story, this.)

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Wow--what a difference a day can make. Yesterday was so clement, and today is so not clement. Ugly sky, swirling wind, damp, and just a little too chilly to wander around in shirtsleeves. Maybe if I'd worn the rest of the shirt...

OH WELL, that is neither here, nor there. Which is where I had to go--there. I usually wouldn't bother on a day like today, but I had a bill to pay at Parisian, so I figured I'd pick up some food while I was out and some blog fodder.

Which brings us to today's ancient wisdom from the Far East, in this case being Stone Mountain, Georgia, home of the Dah Sing Noodle Company.

First up:

Your courage will guide your future.

::sigh:: Those Chinese are so wise--somehow they just know that even though I have no courage, I will somehow manage to find some and use it to guide my future! Smart, smart people.

Next, this:

Behind an able man, there are always other able men.

Hmm. I wonder what it means when the only thing behind me is a stack of old paperwork and a window?

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

7 14 19 36 41. 22

and

8 13 24 39 44. 22

Disturbingly weird, or...

...weirdly disturbing?

Hard to say. Via The Straight Dope's "Weird Earl" feature, we give you--this.

The caption is even better: "Child Toilet costume is a very funny kids Halloween costume. A Child toilet costume is also perfect for every potty mouth kid. Use as a modern day Dunce cap."

Well, alrighty, then.

No--you're fine.

I'm much more worried about California--they're a lot closer.

Well, I think I've been a possum long enough.

It's time to switch species--Feds set nearly 6,200 coastal acres for protected beach mice.

What are a bunch of stupid mice gonna do with all that coastline!? I'll tell you what--NOTHING! They have absolutely no sense when it comes to real estate, nor the value of a nice condo. What do they do? DIG HOLES! You can't put a balcony on a HOLE!

Stupid mice.

Anyway, if the Feds are gonna start giving away primo Gulf Coast property, I hereby renounce marsupialism and declare myself a Choctawhatchee beach mouse.

I realize it's wrong.

Yet, when I saw this Associated Press photograph of our secretary of state

as she discussed the conundrum presented by the provactive actions of North Korea, I could think of nothing else but this famous historic exchange:

FATHER (as portrayed by Michael Palin) 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

HERBERT (as portrayed by Terry Jones): But-- but I don't like her.

FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!

As I said, I know it's wrong to think such things.

Oh, and don't forget--King of Swamp Castle and Prince Herbert action figures are still available!

"I Joined the Nuclear Club..."

"...and All I Got Were These Crappy Boxer Shorts!"

Perturbated Tuesday Returns!

And boy, are there a lot of perturbed people out there! Including me, although when comparing my perturbationary status with that of the people I’ve had the malfortune to meet today, it’s really not that bad. Not that it will stop me from kvetching anyway.

You are all free to post in the comments below the things that have gotten your goat so that you may cleanse your system of such harmful bile. As always, we ask only that your expletives be cloaked by the less vulgar &*%%$ (or maybe even *!+&#((@~) and that guilty parties remain nameless.

The airing of my grievances follows below the jump--

First up, I wonder why it is that we have a person who has been using a laptop and projector for several years now, yet for some reason STILL can’t figure out that the big cable from the back of the computer to the projector has to be plugged into either the terminal that says “Computer 1” or the one that is labeled “Computer 2.” One would think after the first several hundred times you hooked it up wrong and your chubby, bespectacled co-worker had to heave a great sigh and point out that the cable does NOT go into the port marked “Monitor Out,” that you would have grown tired of appearing to be so grossly inept. One would think.

*&^%line.

And just what is the deal with people who are late for no other reason than it’s simply part of their character. They know how to be on time, because you’ve seen them do it. But for the most part, they PLAN to be at least five or ten minutes late to every meeting. Could be drooling on the desktop reading a romance novel, but by golly just still can’t tear away from it five minutes early in order to not inconvenience someone else. Of course, it is kinda sweet when said Psychotically Late Person shows up for a meeting and is detained herself because the Guy Who Doesn’t Understand Cables is having difficulty with his flow of electrons again. Hee. Or rather,

!@#$*daw.

But that was all yesterday, so I don’t know if it should count toward The Tuesday Vexation Show.

So, I’ll add some for today. You know what irks me? People who can’t quite figure out where they’re going on a confusing hospital campus. Especially those who get halfway down a driveway to enter a parking deck, then decide it’s the wrong one and they’d better turn around and go back out before going into the deck. Of course, when I DID decide to turn around, there was no one around for several streets, so a three point turn in the amply-wide driveway should actually not have been a convenience to anyone, in that it is a maneuver that is quickly completed.

Unless.

Unless you have a Crazy Lunatic Psycho Old Coot Ford Crown Vic Driver who, even though he must have seen you turning around when he first entered the driveway, and despite the fact that NONCRAZY people would just have sat there and waited five seconds for the humble Volvo in the driveway to complete its turning maneuver--despite all that--he INSISTS on continuing to drive straight for your rear bumper as if he is going to simply ram you out of the way. I was busily sawing the wheel to the left to finish turning and loudly and slowly said through my (closed) window, “W O U L D Y O U P L E A S E S T O P!” I did not call him an **&^%, but I wanted to. And a ja&^%!.

But I’m better than that.

As for the doctor’s visit, my goodness--quite a lot of peeved people today.

Reba’s appointment was for 9:30, and we didn’t get out of there until around 11:15. (By the way, they still can’t quite figure out why she has these roaming feelings of numbness and nerve pain. *&^%) While I waited, there was one woman who began to loudly complain to the counter staff that she’d been there for two hours and hadn’t seen anyone and she’d gone to the emergency room and they told her she might have had a stroke and she needed to see her doctor and she was in PAIN and needed to see someone RIGHT THEN.

You know what? I think by now, several decades after the invention of the telephone, that I would call before I just show up at my doctor’s office, just to make sure they could see me. Second, if I’d gone to the emergency room and they told me I might have had a stroke, I really don’t think they’d just send me home and tell me to call my doctor, unless they were just trying to get rid of me because I was crazy. Finally, if I’d had a stroke, and was again loudly complaining that I couldn’t move my whole left side, that it would be much more convincing if the left side leg didn’t work quite so well, it being part of that whole left side that is supposedly immobile. They finally got her back just to shut her up.

I think they were both pretty much saying &*^%.

The whole office management system seems a bit suspect, though, because there were at least three or four other people who came in during the course of the time I was waiting to complain about misdirected appointments, unreturned pharmacy calls, insurance and billing errors. No one said *@!#%it, but I was getting worried that they might pull out a *&^%$.

As for the wait, eh. I’ve had to wait placed before, and so I read the paper and snored. I do have one peeve--the choice of reading matter was very slight--the newspaper, a copy of Parenting, various medical literature about dropsy and pellagra--and oddly enough, the June 2006 issue of Maxim with an chestnut-haired Jessica Simpson on the cover. I’m not quite sure the clientele really appreciated it, seeing as how I was the youngest person to show up the entire time, with the rest of the persons looking less like they needed to peruse a lad-mag and much more like they needed a ventilator.

SO, anyway, what’s irking YOU today?

Poetry Appreciation Day!

Many have wondered where Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936) drew his inspiration for his poem, "The Vampire." Recent analysis efforts have been undertaken which have revealed, at least partially, the source of the line "a rag, a bone, and a hank of hair".

Hmmm, I wonder...

Fishermen catch crocodile in Rio Grande

I wonder if crocodiles would be cheaper than a fence?

I saw this story--

Man tries to drive 310 miles in reverse and was reminded of Kitchenhand's late adventure with a Hyundai Accent, in which reverse driving was not done, but the subject came up nonetheless.

Silly Australians--down there all upside down, driving on the wrong side of the road, and backwards!

Animals in the News!

Mad deer disease may spread with saliva

Okay, no kissing any more deer for me.

Penguins being sold to Canadian buyer

BLAST! And DRAT!! It seems Possumblog Kitchens is dealing with a competitor trying to get into the flightless bird snack market. Never fear, however. I predict sales of Cornguins, the cornbread-battered and deep-fried Emperor penguin on a stick treat beloved by millions, will continue to be available at an economical price. We've just purchased another penguin farm in Eufaula, and that combined with our main ranch in Greenville will ensure that you and your family are provided the highest-quality penguin possible.

Hmm? Not that kind of penguin? A hockey team?

Never mind.

Next: Streaming video records sea lions' lives

If popular enough, look for Disney to release The Sea Lion King for the Christmas movie season.

And finally--Remains of ancient reptile are found

Disputing the discovery, White House press doyenne Helen Thomas said the report was insulting, noting that she was very much still alive.

RAISED-HACKLE TUESDAY!!

AKA Vexed Tuesday, Hacked and Vexed Tuesday, 'I'm Putting In My Angry Eyes' Tuesday, Royally Peeved Tuesday, Irate Tuesday, or Filled with Righteous Indignation Tuesday.

Leave it to Miss Janis to make the perfect suggestion for an appropriate content-filler for Tuesdays:

The carpenter is dragging his feet on these closet doors, so I'm simmering in a passive-aggressive stew today. I have a bed coming in tomorrow, and I'd hoped to have that project done and cleaned up before then.

I need some attitude adjustment and it's way too early to drink.

Does anyone else have their hackles up over something?

If you've got a gripe, tell about it here. Won't solve anything, but at least you can let off some steam. Just remember to use @#*&^!! in lieu of steam.

Speaking of guests...

'Idol' judges land in city for final auditions

Do me a favor--although we both know I'm home, if you see Paula, you DON'T know where I am. She's been calling for weeks and doesn't quite seem to understand that when I don't call back, I'm avoiding her. After that last time when she threw her empties all over the front yard, well, you know. I live in a nice neighborhood and people were beginning to talk.

Advice?

Oh, I can give advice. Miss Jordana was detailing some of the advice she and the hubby have received over the years, and I chimed in with one bit that has always worked well for me: "Take the smallest cookie."

That was from an old Ann Landers column with advice from 3rd graders to mommies and daddies, and it works remarkably well. Of course, left unsaid is that the whole trick to taking the smallest cookie is going through the stack sometime before you and your beloved are together with the cookies, finding the biggest cookie, hiding it for later, then gallantly taking the smallest and offering the biggest REMAINING cookie to your dearly beloved.

Or so I've heard.

ANOTHER tip worth mentioning (although I thought better of mentioning it on someone else's site) is one of the most effective forms of communication between husband and wife. That is, to call her up at work during the day when you know she'll be busy and then start making all sorts of salacious suggestions. This works very well if you first identify yourself as the city foundation inspector, and then say you'd like to set up a time to inspect her foundation garments. Works even better when she's got people in her office and can't really talk back.

That ploy is particularly good at keeping her from saying she knows all about the previously mentioned cookie-hiding ruse.

Remember this...

...the next time I have the "Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day" feature!

I can't imagine...

...that they would be very comfortable riding them anyway--Snowmobiles banned to help Idaho caribou

One supposes...

...that "So, come here often?" and "Say, didn't I see you in Girls Gone Wild!?" have finally played out--U.S. needs 2 new icebreakers, study says

Some of my favorites back in the olden days were, "I don't usually smell like this," "I don't have a phone--could you just give me your address?", and "I know you don't know it, but I have an immunity to pepper spray."

I didn't even know that had rocket motors!

U.S., Pakistani first ladies launch site

And speaking of things ecclesiastical...

...are you even supposed to say ass-plant and church parking lot in the same sentence!?

(Best wishes for less lameosity, BAW!)

Well, I know He's our Heavenly Father, but still--

Casey, Santorum talk about faith in Pa.

--it seems a bit on the less respectful side to refer to Him as Pa.

Well, I got to thinking...

T.O. may have plate screwed into hand

...it would make it a lot easier at picnics and parties and things. Lot harder to drop a plateful of cake when it's screwed down like that. But you know, I also got to thinking that other things might be more difficult. Then I realized it wasn't even a story about me in the first place.

Oh well.

And as he finished reading the last sentence of the article...

Johansson likes her hourglass figure

[...] "I'm curvy — I'm never going to be 5'11' and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have what I've got."

And, given the chance, she'd like to trade lives with President Bush. "Whose life would I like to step into for the day? The president's. I could probably get some things done in the Oval Office."

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

And it's all about ME!! Hooray! Not enough of that nowadays, you know.

ANYway, it appears that teams of highly skilled Chinese astrologers have been working overtime, in that this week we have three fortunes for you to ponder. Well, for ME to ponder, since they're about me. Memememememe.

So, first up:

You are always welcome in any gathering.

That is just so true--just the other day, I got a call to come to a party, and the hosts gave me a lovely red jacket to wear, and my own big silver platter full of horsdyovaries to carry around with me! People always wanting to eat off my plate was a bit off-putting, however.

Next:

Everywhere you choose to go, friendly faces will greet you.

Man alive, those Chinese seers are something ELSE! That one's true, TOO! But, of course, at least part of this is due to my modest, yet outgoing personality that just naturally makes people be friendly toward me. I think, too, that's why I hear them laughing and saying my name when they don't think I'm listening.

Finally:

A fond memory will soon lead to a renewed friendship.

See? I'm just such a darned friendly guy! And just FULL of fond memories. Like that time when we snuck... Hmm. Maybe not that one.

But then there's the time that I had everyone in the trunk and we went-- Maybe not that one, either.

I wonder if it might be the one where we paid for that great big h-- I think maybe I might need to not have such fond memories.

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

4 10 28 31 34 36

7 18 27 39 41. 23 (In RED!!)

3 15 17 18 44 47

Le Roi Soleil

Something else that came up this morning?

Well, actually left over from last night--seems Boy needed a depiction of Louis XIV, par la grâce de Dieu roi de France et de Navarre for one of his classes. One assumes it was history class.

Anyway, while Rebecca was working on her stuff last night, I bumped her off the computer for a minute to print out a picture of the grand poncing monarch--

--after Boy had gone on to bed. He woke up this morning and first thing wanted to know where his all-important picture was. Handed it to him and he seemed satisfied. Then I had a sudden fear--what if I'd put in the wrong combination of Roman numerals and gotten a picture of the wrong Louis!? Louis the Ex Vee Eye, instead of Louis the Ex Eye Vee?!

Checked real quick, and thank goodness, right one. He continued to get dressed and came walking by before going downstairs so we could leave (or I could let the cat out), where I caught him.

"Uh, hey, Buddy--we need to work on that hair for a minute."

"But Dad I DID comb it!"

Yes, but it looked like he'd used a cake mixer.

I dragged him into the bathroom and wet a comb and started trying to plaster down his multiple cowlicks.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, Bud?"

"Is there anything we have that I could use to dress up like Lewie the Fourteenth?"

"Son. We're getting ready to leave in about twenty minutes."

"But don't we have something?"

"Jonathan! Did you not see the picture of this guy!?"

"Do you ever REMEMBER seeing any of us wear ANYthing like that around here!? What do you need it for, anyway!?"

With a tremble in his voice, "We're supposed to bring stuff and dress up and bring props and stuff."

"And you're just now saying something about it NOW!?"

"MmmyesSIR!"

"No. We don't have anything like that, and the next time you know you're going to need a costume, you'd better tell someone before it's time to leave for SCHOOL!"

::sniff::sniff::

"Awww, cut that mess out!"

At least his hair got combed.

After the kitten retrieval debacle, I rounded Boy up so we could leave, and I noticed he had extra bag with him--"DAD!! Guess what?"

"Chicken butt!"

"Dad. Dad, I figured out something to wear! I'm going to wear my white soccer jersey under my other shirt, and wear my red soccer shorts, and my red soccer socks, and these shoes [motioning toward his faux Crocs], and Ashley had a scarf that I can use as my sash!"

Take that, Louis. Anyway, I'm sure my son the Sun King will look very regal at school today.

Or something.

Can you hear me now?

Cell phones found inside four prisoners

I can figure out how they managed to get them in there, but I have to think that actually dialing a number is going to be even harder to do.

MANBEARPIG!

Over at Dr. Joyner's place, a new caption contest with a host of entries that are full of rich, creamy, fattening snark.

I haven't entered one of James' contests in a long time (after winning several of them back in the olden days), mainly because he's got so much traffic now by the time I click over there, there's already a big wad of comments. And in this case in particular, they're a bunch that are just a hoot. My favorite, aside from the ManBearPig reference, is the one about the Native American Association of Tobacco Shop Operators.

Well, it really is nice of him...

Dan Rather gives alma mater $2 million

...but you know everyone is going to wonder why the money looks like it was produced on a computer using Times New Roman font.

Rejoice, Culture Lovers!

New Southern Culture Encyclopedia first volumes coming soon

OXFORD, Miss. (AP) — What do NASCAR, Vidalia onions and beauty parlors have in common?

They're all rooted in the South and documented in The New Encyclopedia of Southern Culture.

The encyclopedia is a published by the Center for the Study of Southern Culture at the University of Mississippi.

Four of its planned 24 volumes are to be released September 18th.

Officials say the New Encyclopedia explores the region's metamorphosis over the past 17 years and updates the encyclopedia's inaugural issue published in 1989. [...]

I don't think that sounds like a good idea...

...you know, considering how much trouble her husband got into for touting in the Oval Office--Sen. Clinton touts woman for president.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Well, the crafty Chinese have been hard at work again, and I have been gifted with the two following messages.

NUMBER ONE: Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

Not when I've got to go to the restroom, it's not.

NUMBER 2: Someone you haven't seen for a long time will re-enter your life.

Hmmm. That might not be a good thing. I wonder if there's a way to specify exactly who it is? If so, I would have to say my friend Tall Blonde Tracy who lives up in the wilderness of Cullman County. If not, I would ask anyone else to please call ahead so that I can decide whether I'll be in town or not.

AND NOW, for your lucky numbers:

6 12 28 38 42. 21

and

7 16 28 32 45. 12

OOOooooh--verrrrry auspicious!

Or not.

It's a start, I suppose.

Alabama seniors beat national average on SAT exam

However, it is still quite a shock to learn that fully 50% of students score below average.

Sorry, that's an old joke and should have no place in such a vibrant and non-boring place as this. Please, disregard it.

Yoiks! And Away!

BBC's `Robin Hood' series tapes stolen

--Given to Poor

Say, that looks like a buck and a quarter quarterstaff--

I don't know if instituting sharia law would help...

...but something needs to be done about Australians who display such a vicious disregard for common decency that they employ puns to ambush unsuspecting readers!

It is enough to make me swoon, I say. And caused a bit of Diet Coke to spurt onto my keyboard.

::shakes fist::

I got all excited...

...because I thought she and John Bolton might be able to team up and vote Kofi off the island--Rice hopes to catch on with reality TV

But then I found out it was Jerry, not Condi.

I thought this was about something COMPLETELY different.

'Top-two' supporters lose appeal

I mean, I've heard of them losing their elastic, but not their appeal, unless you're talking about those ugly ones your grandma wears. But then I figured out it was just some dumb story about politics.

Comedy U. UPDATED

Just saw this story--What Is Britain's Funniest Accent?--which, oddly enough, belongs to the Magic City's namesake.

What I found so odd about the piece?

One--that this guy gal actually exists:

[...] The research, led by comedy expert Dr Lesley Harbidge from the University of Aberdeen [...]

The test joke was chosen by Dr Harbidge for reflecting traditional British stand-up comedy.

With no notion of cleverness on the part of the teller, the listener's concentration is focused on the lilt of the words themselves.

The joke goes: Workmen are eating sandwiches, balancing on a girder miles above the ground.

"You ever get that urge, Frank? It begins with looking down from 50 storeys up, thinking about the meaningless of life, listening to dark voices deep inside you, and you think, 'Should I?... Should I?...Should I push someone off?"'

Captions rely on the artwork and in most cases the artwork relies on the caption to be funny. In the original cartoon, without the caption, it's just a cartoon of two guys sitting on a girder. With only the caption, you miss the subtle bulging of Frank's eyeballs as the words sink in and he realizes he's sitting beside a psycho. In any event, I find it difficult to see how any of this is "reflecting traditional British stand-up comedy."

But then again, I am from Birmingham.

(I do wonder what it takes to get a gig at a college as a humor expert.)

UPDATED 12/14/06 Well, it turns out that such peoples as Doctors of Comedy do exist! Just got a note in the comments below from the Dr. Harbidge HERself, who says that in the research it was noted that the Far Side cartoon was used as the basis for the joke, so it's not like she just heard it second-hand as a joke and then decided to use it. SO, as I noted below, my regrets for relying upon a news report for facts.

Along with my apologies for mistaking her for a he. But it's just that all those fancy-pants British university guys have girl names like Lesley and Ashley and Pamela, so I just assumed. And we know what happens when one assumes, right? OF COURSE we do!

As always, though, we are happy to correct ourselves in the unlikely event we are ever mistaken about something.

Also, it is a great pleasure to report to you that we have decided to confer upon Dr. Harbidge the Axis of Weevil Distinguished Chair of Comedic Studies, and will call upon her often to weigh in on matters of a funny nature. (Funny 'ha-ha,' not funny 'strange'.)

Well, darn.

You know how you think up a snappy rejoinder about a day late, after it will do you no good?

Such is the case with this story that was in the news yesterday: Pilgrim's Pride offers to buy Gold Kist for $1 billion

It would have been much funnier yesterday to have quipped, "Hey, that ain't chicken feed!" Now, it's just sorta dumb.

Not that leftover stupidity stopped me from going ahead and posting it anyway.

And by the way, I think it's high time to get rid of homophones.

Speaking of naps...

...I think it's about time to become a Papist! Pope Says Working Too Hard Is Bad For The Spirit

My kinda guy! (Thanks to Dr. Smith for that one.)

Oh, so you thought my idea of Poison Possums on a Plane was a BAD idea?

Well, it's CERTAINLY better than Badgers on a Hovercraft!

Hideous nightmares...

...of frustration and underpayment.

Hmm. I wonder...

After reading this "news" "story"--Breast implants save woman's life? about a young Israeli woman who snagged a bit of shrapnel with her mammoplasty--are soldiers and Marines concerned about what effect this may have on the design for future generation body armor they are required to wear? Will the burden of having to carry around yet another couple of items of field gear be offset by the potential entertainment value? Will there still be a need for USO shows with bosomy female entertainers?

Speaking of Religion...

Famed rocket scientist and pushrod adjuster Steevil sends along (via the Volokh Conspiracy) a worthy and fine rendition of a somewhat Biblical take on dietary laws, especially as they pertain to youngsters.

And in Animal News...

Katharine Harris holds up a possum, and A Manatee Grows in Brooklyn--or, as Dr. Smith puts it with a Graf Hindenberg-ian twist, "O! The Huge Manatee!" Manatee Spotted In NYC, Far From Home

It's the same old story--a naive kid goes to the Big Apple to find his dreams, and winds up lost and alone, living on handouts, and hoping for that One Big Break.

::sigh::

Anyway, what's a manatee story without a manatee recipe!?

Here's a nice one:

Cornish Game Manatee Acapulco
Ingredients
1 lb garlic puree
1/2 gallon olive oil
1/2 gallon lemon juice
1 lb ground coriander seeds
1 lb ground cumin
1/2 lb loosely packed fresh oregano leaves (or 2-1/2 lb dried oregano)
1 quart salsa (or 1 teaspoon cayenne)
Salt to taste
1 manatee
Sour cream and salsa for garnish
1 avocado, sliced

Instructions
For sauce, blend first 7 ingredients until smooth. Add salt to taste.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Clean manatee, drizzle both sides with sauce, and bake approximately 10 hours in shallow pan, skin side up. Baste often.

To serve, garnish with sour cream, salsa, and avocado.

Yield: 4 servings

MMmmm--that's good manatee!

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

You know, when you first walk out of the building, the heat is kinda nice. Gets the blood flowing. Then by the time you get to the bottom of the steps, the fun is over with.

Had a couple of bank stops to make, then to the swank '90s icon of the AmSouth-Harbert Plaza for some lunch. Obviously, with it being so infernal outside, the choice of food needed to be something cool and refreshing.

So I got the kung pao chicken and hot and sour soup.

I couldn't help myself--the distaff side of the ownership team was doing duty behind the counter today in her husband's absence, and I have found it to be in extremely poor taste to simply stand there in the cramped confines of the luncheonette and gawk without ordering food. It's not nearly so creepy to actually purchase something whilst ogling.

SO, as my mouth bursts into flames and the sprinkler system that is my sweat glands attempts to douse the conflagration, allow me to share with you the ancient secrets of the Orient:

First, this--You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. Answer the call.

BLAST these inscrutable Chinese--it says I must answer, but it doesn't say whether it's permissable to screen my calls first! I mean, there's trouble, and then there's the sort of trouble that could require the outlay of funds for bail bonds and such. I guess the best I can hope for is that the first person to call will be someone I really like, who needs to borrow a sheet of paper.

Second: You shall soon make a long, overdue personal decision.

Hmm. "Long--comma--overdue." This I must dispute. There are no decisions I must make in my life that require an answer longer than yes or no. Or maybe. And the vast majority of those are made for me by other people. So, I call shenanigans on this one.

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS--

5 9 32 33 37 48

and

8 11 16 21 30 40

The Pride of East Germany

TRABANT!

I wonder how you say "overloaded hoopty" in German?

Who CARES about MATH!?

I just want to know if the guy is connected to the thighbone!

Via Steevil--famed NASA scientist by day, finder of oddities by night. Or during the day, too, when not playing with rockets. (And as Steevil mentions below, he stole this from John Derbyshire.)

And no, I'm sure the author has NEVER had ANYone make a joke about his name. But it does raise an interesting question for conversation--just how many people out there have surnames derived from body parts?

A question for the ages.

"Did you mean giggle?"

Also, a side trip to the psychedelicatessen. Far out, man.

Steevil's Quote O'the Day!

Steevil nominates the last sentence herein:

A man who took a machete into a South Auckland gun shop today is in hospital, after he was shot in the stomach. [...]

Two women who work in nearby buildings said there was no obvious incident.

The first they knew of the shooting was when the police and an ambulance arrived.

"We are right next door and because it is such an industrial area there are big concrete walls between and I didn't hear anything and didn't see anything," said one worker who did not want to be named.

"There wasn't an obvious gunshot or anything like that," she said.

She said going into a gunshop with a machete was not the smartest thing for anyone to do. [...]

(H/T Kim du Toit)

Not too many years ago...

...all the people who get het up over silly "safety hazard" things such as nuclear tipped lawn darts and chocolate-flavored rat poison were called the "rubber sidewalk brigade," a derisive term used to describe folks who wouldn't be satisfied until the whole world was comfy and safe from even the potential of a scratched knee.

Little did anyone suspect--New rubber sidewalks easier on the joints

WASHINGTON (AP) — Pounding the pavement is getting a little easier on people's knees in many cities around the country. For reasons of safety and ease of maintenance, Washington and dozens of other communities are installing rubber sidewalks made of ground-up tires. [...]

As you know...

...for the past years since the birth of Possumblog, I have included a weekly quote below the blogroll. I've seen a bunch of them in that time, but Steevil sent me a list this morning of some that I thought were pretty darned funny. As with all these sorts of passed-around lists, there may be some in there that are misattributed, so before you whip one of them out to try to resurrect your political career (like a certain junior senator from Massachusetts and his misquotation of Jefferson) you might want to check them first before they become seared--seared--in your memory. Or not.

Anyway, here goes:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires...but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

From The "I am shocked, SHOCKED!" File

Winner of Alabama Deep Sea Fishing Rodeo stripped of title

How could this happen!?

MOBILE, Ala. (AP) — The winner of the Alabama Deep Sea Fishing Rodeo has been stripped of his title after taking a lie detector test that gave "unfavorable" results.

It is the second time in four years the rodeo's winner has been stripped of his title after taking a polygraph test. [...]

I have a question.

It seems that Hollywood can't quit falling all over itself to make big-screen version remakes of old television shows--next one out is apparently going to be Miami Vice.

I just want to know exactly when someone's gonna get out of his chair and make a movie version of Hee-Haw? I mean, if you're gonna keep doing rip-offs, at least rip-off something good.

And no, this doesn't mean I'm plumping for the Roy Clark role, or even the Junior Samples part. I'm just saying, is all.

Well, now. Meetings DO serve a purpose!

"Keep up the good work," indeed.

I suspect pirates.

Letter Rs stolen from Ind. signs returned

GREENCASTLE, Ind. (AP) — Dozens of letter Rs swiped last weekend from several businesses' signs were returned in an R-filled box left outside the Greencastle Police Department.

An officer found the box Thursday on the department's front step, said Police Chief Tom Sutherland.

Sutherland said officers don't know why the letters were taken from the signs of several businesses and the marquee of a National Guard post. Officers plan to dust the box and the letters for fingerprints before returning the Rs to their owners.

The weekend caper targeted signs at gas stations, restaurants, repair shops and medical offices in the city of 10,000 people about 40 miles west of Indianapolis.
br>"It's very strange," said Greencastle resident Jessi Boller.

At last, the secret Crabby Patty formula is safe!

Spanish firm claims it can make oil from plankton

Curses!

Uh-oh.

Hyundai says strike has forced it to suspend vehicle exports

In related news, hoopty futures skyrocketed to levels not seen since the exit from the American market of the Renault Alliance.

I imagine...

Woodpecker halts Ark. irrigation project

...that it's probably a pair of woodpeckers.

You also have to kinda wonder why Noah would be considering an irrigation system, and if gopher wood is just too tough for woodpeckers to peck through.

I say hire the beavers to do it and be done with it.

From Snopes...

...what not to do when you go shopping.

It's pretty funny, even if not strictly true. I will say this--if you ever find yourself late on a Saturday evening in the women's clothing department at the Parisian store at the Summit, it is best if you do not get puckish and sneak up behind a mannequin wearing a slinky red jersey knit halter dress, reach up and quickly snatch loose the knot around her neck. Because if you do this, and if your kids are around, when the stretchy taut fabric slingshots off of the mannequin's nape and leaves her with her tiny smooth hard white plastic breasts exposed, it WILL cause said children to behave in a loud and entirely inappropriate manner with, much laughing and pointing and screeching "DAAAAAADDDEEEEEEEE!"

Forewarned is forearmed.

Thursday Three Summer Vacation!

As noted many weeks ago, America's Most Popular Party Game, the Thursday Three Question Show, is on vacation for the summer. At least, we hope so. It could actually have wandered off and gotten lost. You know how it is. ANYway, in its absence, we have been previewing some of the exciting new shows that YOU will be able to watch on the upcoming fall season of PossumblogTV!

As has already been disclosed, showing video previews is somewhat of a technical difficulty, in that we have no video production capabilities. As with our previous previews, then, we must rely upon reproducing herein the show scripts, and rely on YOU, the viewer/reader to use YOUR active imaginations and fill in all the minor details such as people and things moving around!

SO, without delay, our FOURTH NEW EXCITING PILOT PREVIEW--ASCII Kitty Drawings, Hosted by Bill Gates!

BILL: Thank you, everyone! Let's look at some kitties, shall we? (applause) Our first guest is Jon Prengle of Redmond, Washington. Jon's 42 and a software security code writer. He loves cats, AND he loves ASCII cats! Jon? (applause)

JON: Hi, Bill!

BILL: Call me Mr. Gates. (laughter)

JON: Okay.

BILL: Okay, Jon, let's see what you have for us today!

JON: Okay.

(BILL types on keyboard at host's desk, and image appears on large LCD flat panel plasma screen)

>^.^<

BILL: Ohh, that's SUPER! (applause)

BILL: Let's see--it has a right arrow, or "greater than" mark, a caret mark, a period, another caret mark, and a left arrow, or "less than" mark--Jon, let me say that is just SUPERB artistry. I mean, it's very, very abstract, yet still I know it represents a cat. What inspired you?

JON: I don't really know.

BILL: Amazing. (applause) And now a word from our sponsor, and when we return, Kathy Lee Gifford with her son, Cody! (applause)

(commercial)

I know YOU are looking forward to this exciting new show just as much as we are! And to FURTHER whet your appetite for the type of season that lies ahead, a BONUS SNEAK PREVIEW OF--Alan Thicke's Celebrity Smell THIS!

We pick up in the middle of the exciting LIGHTNING ROUND, as Rosie O'Donnell and Jenna Jameson attempt to figure out the mystery smell...

ROSIE: ASPARAGUS! It's asparagus! Beets? No, ASPARAGUS!
JENNA: Carrots?
ROSIE: NAH! I'm telling you, it's GREEN BEANS!
ALAN: Seven seconds, ladies...
ROSIE: DON'T RUSH ME! LIMA BEANS!
JENNA: Carrots? Is it salsa? With basil?
ROSIE: YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL BASIL! IT'S
(Buzzer)
ALAN: Oh, sorry, ladies--it was methyl tertiary-butyl ether, or MTBE, a gasoline additive.

I'm telling you--with a lineup like this, PossumblogTV can go nowhere but UP! Stay tuned next week for more entertaining and EXCITING show previews!

Well, it IS all about me. UPDATED!

Miss Janis discusses terrycloth (or Turkish, if you prefer) rags (or cloths, if you prefer).

When the topic of this type of cloth comes up, having the name I have can be mildly amusing--I recall one of my coworkers at The Bad Place once cutting out a picture of a really cute blonde from a catalog and sticking it up on my drawing board She was wearing some kind of nubby shorty outfit--

and this garment was duly noted in the caption as a "Terry Romper."

::wink::wink::nudge::nudge::

Get it!?

Get it!?

Someone to romp with Terry?

Well, they thought it was pretty funny.

(Personally, however, I think the general appearance of that particular item of apparel would qualify as the strongest sort of ANTIromp this side of a cold shower.)

Speaking of which...

...Skinnydan read Marc's comment below about wishing for someone to prove his or her insanity by ruining that poor girl's photo by Photoshopping mine into the picture.

Skinnydan must not have a lot to do today, as witnessed by the link below.

Do not click here.

And here I thought...

...that it must have had something to do with Rumpole of the Bailey.

Little did I know...

Rumpology for Dummies

Thursday Three Summer Vacation!

As noted many weeks ago, the Thursday Three Question Show is in summer hiatus as the writers once again enter contract talks (which to this point have gotten about as far as the North Korean missile negotiations), but NOT TO FEAR, AMERICA, because for the next few weeks we will be giving you sneak previews of upcoming shows that YOU will be able to watch on the fall season of PossumblogTV!

As has also been previously discussed, this will be a bit difficult, in that we have no video production capabilities. We must, then, rely on the stack of show pitches on our desks that have a synopsis and some bits of exciting dialogue in them, and rely on YOU, the viewer/reader to use YOUR active imaginations and fill in all the minor details such as people and things moving around!

SO, without delay, our SECOND NEW EXCITING PILOT PREVIEW, Ed Fleen, Pro Bowler.

MONICA: Ed, your hand!

ED: AAAGGHHHHHHH!

We hope you've enjoyed this sneak peak at the upcoming fall lineup, and hope you'll join us for more excitement.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Surely you didn't think we'd leave you with just that one scene! We also would like to take this opportunity to tempt you with our THIRD NEW PREVIEW, Thrilling Stories of the Old West!

OPENING MONTAGE: Antique photos of Old West subjects, banjo and harmonica music.

VOICEOVER: Hello, I'm your host, Rusty, and today we will be examining a letter written in 1888 by Beulah Sneed, of Hightail, Oklahoma Territory.

PHOTO OF LETTER, WITH VOICEOVER: "Dearest Wilmer, today is hot. I am greatly afeared that Paws prize cow done run off or is got stole. Maw is feeling tolerable well, but Ty and Bitsy still seem down. Mister Gordon repaird his barn door the other day and we all went to wach him paint it. It is red. How are things in St. Louis? I am not abelieving you when you say they have all them tall bildings with five stories in them--how can that be? You should not lie because you know Saten will take you into innermost torments of darkenss and pull your innards out for lieing, and I hear he knows most of St. Leuis like the back of his hand so it aint like you can hide from him. Tell Teeny I said hello, and that he should not be talking to nobody with a umbrela. Ha ha ha! I will go for now. Be sure to send me some green sateen. Your loving sister, Beulah.

P.S. Them weerd looking fellows that said they'd come from out in outer space showed up again, and said they's agoin to take us onto that big shiny metal train car they landed in the cornfield, and Paw shot them all dead. The sherif said they's probably the ones what stole Paws cow, and that's what cattle rustlers get for rustling."

HOST VOICEOVER: It is truly a thrilling story, but ends sadly when we find out from later correspondence that Wilmer forgot to send Beulah any cloth.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR: Herschele's Hebrew Hoedown and America's Most Talented Bagpiper!

Thursday PossumblogTV Pilot Episode Previews!

As noted yesterday, the Thursday Three is in summer hiatus as the writers once again enter contract talks, so for the next few weeks we will be giving you sneak previews of upcoming shows that YOU will be able to watch on the fall season of PossumblogTV.

Obviously, this will be a bit difficult, in that we have no video production capabilities. We must, then, rely on the stack of show pitches on our desks that have a synopsis and some bits of exciting dialogue in them, and rely on YOU, the viewer/reader to use YOUR active imaginations and fill in all the minor details such as people and things moving around.

OUR FIRST EXCITING PREVIEW--MY MURTHA THE CAR!

My Murtha The Car follows the antics of lawyer Dave Crabtree (Jerry Van Dyke from 'Coach'), a typically hapless sitcom family man who discovers that his Democratic Pennsylvania congressman, John Murtha, has returned from Washington as a 1928 "Porter" convertible automobile. It just so happens that Dave was looking around the used car lot for a family station wagon when he made this startling discovery.

Dave (naturally) buys the car against the wishes of his family, who (naturally) think he's gone crazy!* Wacky hijinx ensue! Let’s take a look:

OPENING SCENE: Sunny day, MURTHA parked in front of suburban house. DAVE comes out of house, pats MURTHA on hood, and climbs in.

DAVE: Hiya, Murth! (Gets in, backs out of drive, and starts driving down street) Ready to go to the supermarket!? (Car suddenly does violent U-turn, heads in opposite direction) HEY, WHAT’RE YOU DOING!?

MURTHA: It’s my duty to protect you from that quagmire!

(Laughter)

DAVE: Uh, what ARE you talking about, Murtha! I’ve got to pick up some groceries and…

MURTHA: NO! It’s too dangerous--you might get hit by a shopping cart or the cashier might go crazy and plug you full of holes!

(Laughter)

DAVE: Roy?! But Roy always seemed so sane! Well, Mr. Murtha, just exactly where do you think you’re taking me?

MURTHA: Okinawa.

(Uproarious laughter)

DAVE: Okinawa!? But, don’t you think that’s a bit far away to go for groceries? And it’s going to be pretty hard to drive all the way across the Pacific!

(Laughter)

MURTHA: SHUT UP! Were you ever a Marine? No, of COURSE not! You seem not to have gotten the message that only people who served in the military get to have any say about going to the supermarket, and even then, only if they agree with me and my new pals at Kos Kustom Kars.

(Silence)

DAVE: Okinawa, huh?

(Silence)

DAVE: Oh well. I guess I’m just glad Lee Harvey Oswald didn’t come back as a car!

(Laughter, fade to black, insert sponsor spot)

Such merriment!

*Thanks to TV Party.com for the My Mother The Car reference.

I have a language question.

And actually, it's a semiserious one, too.

I was daydreaming the other day, and I got to wondering if other languages have the same playfulness as English. That is, do people who speak other languages have as many word games like anagrams, acrostics, cyphers, Boggle, crossword puzzles, Scrabble, hangman, word-jokes and other such diversions as English speakers do?

Linguists? Anyone?

The Churchill Wit

Haven't had a reading in a while from the Little Red Book given me in giftitude by the currently laid-up Dr. Smith, so here goes.

From the section on Politics, Mr. Churchill has this to say:

"It would be a great reform in politics if wisdom could be made to spread as easily and as rapidly as folly."

From a speech before the House of Commons in July of 1954-- "The honorable member is never lucky in the incidence of his facts with the truth."

And finally, one from April of 1951, given out to Clement Attlee--"Mr. Attlee combines a limited outlook with strong qualities of resistance."

I tell you what, clever personal invective is a lost art.

Oops.

From notorious antipode Tim Blair, mention of the President's gaffe in making fun of a poorly eyesighted reporter guy's shades, and a call for confessing similar embarrassing moments the rest of us have had.

Hmm. Well, I hate to say this, but I tend to do embarrassing things in twos.

FIRST SIMILAR INSTANCE: The year is 1986 or so, and I'm down at Auburn in my third year of architecture school. A big clot of us are heading downstairs to the lecture room in Dudley Hall (Room B-6), and one of my fellow classmates, Michael, is walking down the steps in front of me, and it appears he has a slight limp. (Remember I've known him now for three years.)

"Hey, Mike--you sore or something--that's quite a limp you got there!"

He sorta looked at me with a quizzical look, "Uh, no--I have a prosthetic leg."

"HAH! No, really--did you hurt yourself or something?"

"No, I really have a prosthetic leg. See?" ::TAP::TAP::

"Oh. I'm sorry--I never knew, and besides that, I'm an idiot!"

I'd never noticed or knew he was missing a leg beforehand because his gait seemed so natural.

SECOND SIMILAR INCIDENT: The year is about 1999 or so, and I am at a city construction site where a park dedicated to former Temptations singer Eddie Kendrick(s) is being built. (And no, that is NOT my design.) We're walking around, and the contractor for the concrete block is walking around the back of his truck when I notice he looks like he's in pain, and he's limping.

"Are you all right? You didn't drop some block on your toe or something, did you?"

"Naw, it's my leg."

"Ow--you scraped your leg on something--you didn't get snagged on that rebar did you?!"

"Uh-uh--I got an artificial leg and it's a'hurting me."

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know!" Left unsaid, 'I'm a big idiot.'

Anyway, it can sometimes be a little too easy to make those kinds of mistakes.

And speaking of arms...

Here's a quote from a post on feminist big-L-Literature from Big Arm Woman...

[...] This overabundance of sanctimonious, judgemental harpies in all three categories who are hell-bent on "saving women," really just makes me want to go on a three-day killing spree. [...]

By the way, a while back in the long-ago, B.A.W. did a post explaining her blog name--she doesn't actually have big arms, naked or otherwise. Big Arm Woman was actually the name of a superheroine cartoon character she came up with in college. And I think that's pretty doggone funny.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Have I mentioned I like summertime? It's the Season of Naked Arms, you know.

Anyway, I have just returned from my usual lunchtime stroll, and have returned with a lovely styrofoam tray full of exotic Oriental delights, including a selection of those ever-reliable augurs, fortune cookies!

Today's wisdom of the ancients:

Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.

That's what I'm afraid of.

BUT, things might be looking up! Here's the other one:

Focus on the color purple this week to bring you luck.

Hmmmm--egggggplants...Priiiiiiince...Alice Walllllker....

Golly, those Chinese sure are smart! I just checked my e-mail and it seems I've been chosen to assist in the transference of over TWENTY EIGHT MILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($28,000,000US) out of Nigeria! I'll get a ten percent helper fee, and it's all PERFECTLY LEGAL!

YAY fortune cookies!

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

6 9 18 20 34 48

and

4 9 19 22 32 45

Look, not EVERY possum is my offspring!

A chuckle via the Sweetheart of Vidalia, Miss Janis, who sends us to this blog for lots of greasy marsupial goodness.

Again, not one of my kids. They have never gotten onto the stove and eaten grease.

Yet.

That I know of.

Oh, and by the way, to clear up a bit of the (hopefully tongue-in-cheek) misinformation from the A-PDL commentor, possums aren't aggressive per se, although if cornered they assume a defensive posture and will bare their many teeth and hiss, and they can bite. However, they aren't predators, they are scavengers, and would much rather just be left alone. If one is acting weird, it might be rabid, so it's best not to mess with any wild animal, pouched or otherwise, that you might come across. They CAN stink up the place, though--part of their defense mechanism includes the ability to puke up vile smelling stuff at will, and they do have some kicking scent glands. And, as we all know, as a last resort they will feign death. Finally, possums will not eat you in your sleep. That's simply an old wives tale, spread by old wives who'd accidentally eaten everyone in their house and needed someone to blame it on. Oh, sure, they might lick you, or gnaw lightly on you, but eat you? Nah.

Fairness Doctrine

I admit to taking great pleasure in photos of seemingly serious people making fools of themselves doing things they obviously have no skill at--especially if they are of a certain political stripe.

To whit:

Mr. Dukakis.

Mr. Gore.

Mr. Kerry.

But I have to say, in the interest of American Comedy, I would be remiss not to add this photo to the list, despite the fact that both guys are Republicans. Because Comedy is sometimes more important than Politics.

I give you Messrs. Snow and Bartlett.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, left, and White House Counselor Dan Barlett [sic], ride in a military helicopter wearing helmets and flak jackets for a trip from Baghdad International Airport to U.S. Embassy in the Greenzone [sic] Tuesday, June 13, 2006 in Baghdad, Iraq. Snow and Bartlett traveled with President Bush who made a surprise visit to Baghdad. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

"WHAT!?"

"I SAID 'TONY, WHAT WAS THAT NOISE!'"

"HUH!?"

"WHAT WAS THAT WEIRD SQUEAKING NOISE!"

"OH--THAT! THAT WAS JUST MY SPHINCTER TURNING ITSELF INSIDE OUT!"

"OH."

Well, I suppose it beats tilting at them.

Residents debate windmills on Great Lakes

Does kinda make me wonder how they figure out who wins. Also gives me a new renewable energy idea--harness the energy generated by the deranged in order to power generators! Did you know that the energy contained in one Democratic Underground post (with comments) could provide electrical power for a three-bedroom, two-bath house for 15 hours? It's true!

UPDATE: 4:17 pm Well, poop--I hate it when they update the headline to make it not so funny--the newest version says: Talk Swirls Over Great Lakes Windmills

Of course, that one is just about as inapt as the first one...

Speaking of swirly masses, eh.

Miss Janis sends a link to this post (via Colby Cosh) about what happens when Canadians aren't watching hockey.

Joke O' the Day!

Via perpetually vacationing professor Jim Smith, we have this:

Three friends die in a car accident and they participate in an orientation session in heaven led by someone trained to assist them during this transition. Oddly enough, this orientation is called "Fresh Start." In the first dialog session, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference for our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,

"I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'"

It was probably a Harley rider.

Stan the Gummint Man sends along this link to a story about a man, his motorcycle, and a squirrel, and Stan says, "In a way it makes me wonder now about Jimmuh Carter's 'killer rabbit.'"

LOOK!

A BADGER!

And it's NORWEGIAN!!

(Many thanks to The Queen of Vidalia, Louisiana's own Janis Gore for the link.)

Why, yes, by all means!

Urine ruins W.Va. courthouse shrubbery

BECKLEY, W.Va. (AP) — Shrubbery next to the Raleigh County Courthouse has been ruined by homeless people who urinate there and must be replaced, the county commission president says. [...]

NI!

::yawn::

7-year-old swims from Alcatraz to S.F.

Big deal--I mean, it's not like he had to escape first.

In a more serious vein, I really have to wonder a bit about anyone who'd willingly let their kid do something like this. I know he was being watched and they had people in the water with him and all of that, and obviously he was strong enough to make the swim.

But it does seem to be a bit on the pointless side.

As opposed to writing a blog, which provides a valuable service for millions of people who would otherwise lead lives which are much less fulfilling without being able to read about channel swimmers.

Hmm--he'd be better off with a basketball...

Jordan Plays Hardball With Hamas

I mean, I love Michael and all, but when he was trying to play baseball with the Barons, he was just okay-ish, and it was obvious he was WAY out of his element. And this was without a bunch of bloodthirsty goobers trying to blow him up.

Via Lileks--

Do not click here.

Hey, good luck with that.

Spears unveils new perfume, In Control, for `empowered girls'

The Associated Press
NEW YORK - Britney Spears went from Curious to Fantasy, and now she's In Control.

Those are the names of the pop star's fragrances with Elizabeth Arden. The company says more than 10 million bottles of the three scents have been sold since the launch of Curious in September 2004.

The names are not a coincidence. "As I get older, the names go with my age," said Spears, 24. [...]

I do kinda wonder why they haven't done the obvious--Liz Taylor has White Diamonds, Oleda has White Orchid, you have to wonder why there's no White Trash.

Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions for upcoming fragrance names that "go with her age."

Hmm--I guess it depends on the person...

Crude flirting with 70 dollars

I mean, some girls might not think it crude at all if you've got $70 you can use to flirt with.

Information YOU can use!

As you know, visitors sometimes stumble upon Possumblog to find out things. Especially people who are interested in possums. I don't know why they come here, of all places, but they do. Like this person, who wants to know: what to do when you see a possum.

Do what I do--point, and say, "Look, a possum." When everyone looks, you steal their wallets.

Speaking of bears...

...Steevil, famous sailor and NASA scientist, sends along this story: Police Shoot Bear Wandering in City Yard

IRVINGTON, N.J. - A 300-pound black bear that had been wandering urban New Jersey for two days was shot and killed by police Wednesday in a backyard on the edge of Newark after it reared up on his hind legs and appeared ready to charge, authorities said.

Seven shotgun blasts rang out and the bear slumped to the ground in the small yard where it had been cornered.

The animal had apparently come from the countryside to the west, and its rambles had included the cities of Newark and Irvington - some of the most urban and densely populated areas of the state.

Before the bear was killed, nervous police officers chased three or four youngsters from nearby yards, and were becoming increasingly worried that more than 1,000 neighborhood children would soon be walking home from school.

"Good God almighty!" said Wanda Williams, upon learning that a bear had been spotted on her street. "Why would a bear want to be in Newark? [...]

It is a mystery.

(By the way, defenders of Newark should contact Steevil at steevil@miskatonic.edu)

YMMV

DNA tests confirm bear was a hybrid

40 mpg forest, 45 mpg tundra

Who knew!?

NASA's being run by VAMPIRES!

NASA needs new blood, report recommends

Some have asked...

...and rightly so, I might add, why Possumblog is the way it is.

I blame an adverse reaction to the consumption of prescribed amounts of Phenergen and Ambien.

And, of course, the overweening sense of entitlement that goes with being a nocturnal semiarboreal non-placental mammal.

Uh-oh...

Skillzy gets in trouble with the KY.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Well, now, it's been a while, hasn't it!

But it is such a beautiful day today that I felt I simply had to treat myself to a nice walk around the park and some of that nice Chinese food over at the AmSouth Harbert building. And to make it even more enjoyable, the bums in park have been given the bum's rush by a bunch of artist-types who are in town for the Magic City Art Connection event. This is nice for a couple of reasons--the interesting artwork, and the fact that the percentage of artists who are lucid and bathed is slightly higher than the usual park population.

ANYway, they're still setting up tents and the requisite funnel cake trailers today. If I remember to bring my camera tomorrow, I'll take some photos.

AS TO MY MEAL, it was quite possibly the hottest kung pao chicken I have ever eaten, despite the fact that it only had one pepper in it. I think they must have had a batch of gravy percolating with peppers in it all morning, but it was very fiery. (Which makes me wonder why we can't spell "fire" as "fier.")

It was a nice day in the food court, too--at least from where I was sitting, which provided an umimpeded view into the hair salon. Spring means tank tops, it seems. Which is a good thing.

AND SO ARE FORTUNE COOKIES!

Today's selection of Oriental wisdom:

Trying to outsmart everybody is the greatest folly.

You know, that is just so true. It's really much more efficient just to outsmart the stupid people--they still make up a big percentage of the population, but you don't have to try nearly so hard to fool them as you do that last two or three percent who are smarter than you. By the way, if you want, I have a list of 300 people who are stupider than you, and will be happy to send you a copy for only $14.95.

[Shhhh--don't tell anyone, but this is a big scam. See, people rarely send in the exact $14.95, and instead send a $15 bill and expect YOU to send THEM a nickel in change! Suckers!]

Next up, this:

Appreciate the caring people who surround you.

You mean the guys with the white coats and big nets? Oh, okay then.

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS--

5 12 23 36 39. 18

and

7 14 19 36 41. 22

OOOoooooh! As you notice, the number 36 showed up TWICE! I think this is a sign that Tim Sauter of Necedah, WI, will win the Aaron's 312 Busch race this weekend, driving the #36 Lester Buildings Chevrolet!

Or, you know, not. I mean, what do these Chinese fortune-cookie-writing people know about NASCAR!?

Well, I should hope SO!

Dead starfish are discovered in B.C.

I mean, if they were still alive, they'd be over two thousand years old! That's just silly! Of course, not as silly as Mel Brooks, but, hey.

Sudden Horrifying Realization #3987

I just now opened a pack of Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard to put on my hamburger. I don't know if I've been actively NOT noticing this for so many years, but by golly, that stuff sure does look like something out of a baby diaper!

Still tastes good, though.

I think...

...that this might be funny. Or not. I can't really remember one way or another.

Oh, and speaking of Auburn--

--this might have been sort of juvenile, I guess, but I STILL thought it was funny:

Bush greets AU swimmers
Tigers honored along with 11 other NCAA championship teams

Friday, April 07, 2006
MARY ORNDORFF
News Washington correspondent

WASHINGTON - Auburn University's men's and women's swimming and diving teams were recognized Thursday at a White House ceremony honoring 12 NCAA championship teams from nine schools.

It was the third time the Auburn men and women have won the national title in the same year and the first time they've appeared at the White House together.

"It kind of says that, in a year of swimming, this is the year of War Eagle," President Bush said on the South Lawn.

From the presidential podium, Bush held up a tiny black men's Speedo swimsuit, a gift from Auburn backstroker Jeri Moss, 21.

"Awfully thoughtful of you," Bush said, turning to look at Moss. "I'm not going to wear it."

Moss, from Riverside, Calif., said she gave Bush the briefs inside the White House before the public ceremony. "He had a good attitude about the whole thing," she said. "He was a great sport about it."

After his speech, Bush posed for pictures with a representative of each team and more gifts. This time, Moss gave him a blue sweat jacket with "George W. Bush" embroidered under the AU logo.

"He said, `I heard you have another gift for me.' I said, `This one is a little more appropriate.' He laughed," Moss said. The men's team was represented by Kurt Cady, a senior from Las Vegas who competed in the individual medley and freestyle. He gave Bush a full body Speedo swimsuit. [...]

I saw the video, and Mr. Bush's reaction was quite well turned. Despite all the folks who think he's dim, he really does have a pretty good sense of comic timing if he's relaxed.

Anyway, congratulations to the team, and to Miss Moss, as well, who I will wager looks much better in a Speedo than the President.

Hmm--that's probably about right.

Via Miss Janis, who got it via Chef Tony--

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

I have to say the Irish would be severely disappointed in my unwillingness to imbibe in alcoholic beverages, as well as my dislike of Lucky Charms cereal. But other than that, I think we'd get along just fine.

"...a prehistoric creature's struggle..."

::chortle::

"Yeah, that's the ticket!"

Judge censured for mocking victim

By MARK JOHNSON
The Associated Press

ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — A municipal judge has accepted censure as punishment for mocking an assault victim by comparing him to a lying character on "Saturday Night Live."

The state Commission on Judicial Conduct said Monday that Syracuse City Court Judge Karen Uplinger "demeaned and mocked" assault victim Anthony Nushwat in October 2004.

"Humor has its place, sometimes even in court. But it isn't funny for a judge to mock or belittle an assault victim who is making a statement to the court," said commission administrator Robert Tembeckjian. "A judge is obliged to be patient, dignified and courteous at all times while acting in an official capacity."

The commission said the judge compared Nushwat to Pathological Liars Anonymous member Tommy Flanagan, an SNL character created by Jon Lovitz whose tag line after telling obvious lies was: "Yeah, that's the ticket!"

"I think if you listen to Jon Lovitz, you might get an impression of how I felt when I was listening to this testimony," Uplinger said in court, according to the commission.

As Nushwat was reading a statement during a sentencing hearing, Uplinger told defendant Artis Bey: "You don't have to listen to this if you don't want to." [...]

Anyway, seems kinda weak to me--if the Commission really wanted to see demeaning and mockery, they ought to watch a few episodes of Judge Judy.

Say, wait a minute...

...isn't Skinnydan originally from Brooklyn?

I wonder if that accounts for this search request that just landed on Possumblog: possum meats for sale brooklyn new york.

Potty Humor!

I saw this headline--Legislature votes to crack down on motorists passing school buses--and it reminded me of what I always say to the kids when we're driving somewhere and overtake a school bus. Invariably, they comment with childlike fascination, "WE JUST PASSED A SCHOOL BUS!"

And I always ask, "Did it hurt!?"

I think they're finally catching on to the joke now.

From My Alma Mater

Something about this story [3rd story down] just made me chuckle:

AUSTRALIAN POET KARL LUBOMIRSKI TO SPEAK APRIL 3
The department of Foreign Languages is having a poetry reading April 3 at 4 p.m. in the Eagle's Nest North section of Haley Center. Australian poet Karl Lubomirski will be reading in German and English. For more information, contact Robert Weigel at 844-6350.

Wow!

Count me as one of the men who'd love for this product to return to the market.

Well, if it's good enough for their cigarettes...

France to let vintners use wood shavings

I have but one hope--

Space Station Crew to See a Real Moon Shadow

That being that the clever rocket scientists that Steevil works with won't take this as an opportunity to have everyone have a Cat Stevens singalong.

Would I get to pick where to pinch you?

Just wondering. The Only Attractive Young Woman in the Building came in this morning loudly proclaiming that everyone needed to have on something green or she'd pinch 'em good. "AND IF SOMEONE PINCHES YOU, AND YOU HAVE GREEN ON, THEY GET TO PINCH YOU BACK EVEN HARDER!"

She even accosted me, and because I'm an idiot, rather than let her pinch me, I showed her I did indeed have a bit of green in the plaid on my 'I Look Like a Little Boy' shirt, thus depriving myself of a vengence pinch upon some portion of her person.

Discretion being the better part of valor, I figured it best not to ask the title question of her, lest I be accused of creating a hostile work environment.

As is my custom upon this date...

...after arising I took a bracing shower with Irish Spring (it's manly, yes, but I like it, too), waxed my shilelagh then quickly donned my work clothes, and skipped downstairs for a hearty breakfast consisting of a bowl of Lucky Charms and corned beef and cabbage doused with a splash of Wild Irish Rose.

Upon arrival at work, I started the day by hurling potatoes randomly at coworkers, which led then to a rousing brawl, after which I was escorted from the building and taken away by Irish limousine.

I have to say I think all of this makes a lie of the stereotype of the Irish as lazy.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

I know you've all been really REALLY missing this feature due to my seemingly never-ending interruptions from having to actually work. But since it's lunchtime, I have a minute or two free so that we can sit at the feet of ancient Chinese masters and learn some eternal truths.

First up:

Use your eloquence where it will do the most good.

Well, after I got through using it to keep the kitchen table from rocking by folding it up and sliding it under one of the legs, I figured Possumblog would be the next most useful place for it.

Obviously, I could be wrong about that.

NEXT--

Truth may be stretched but can never be broken.

Say, when did Reuters get into writing fortune cookies!? Well, good on them!

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

8 12 25 38 40. 25

and

8 12 25 38 40. 25

Yes, that's right--BOTH sets of numbers were IDENTICAL today! How astounding is that!? Imagine the odds against such an occurrence! They must be ULTRA lucky numbers, given to especially worthy persons!

With luck like that, NOTHING can go wrong today...

Well, since I seem to have a theme building here...

French named Miles College president

::knock knock knock::

"Who is it?"

Package for mrnflm.

"What?"

Candygram.

"OH, how nice--AIEEEEEE--LAND SHARK!"

Via Nate McCord--

--"Ah jes cain't quilt you!"

Stinky Boy!?

Why, I never!

I have been cruelly besmirched in the comments below by Miss Janis, with further besmirchment added by Miss Sarah, and if no one else dare rise to defend me, I shall do it myself!

In regards the question about whether I ever think of anything besides the act of carnal knowledge, I now offer a long list of alternative things I think about ALL THE TIME! HMPH!

1) Okay, gimme a minute. OH, okay--food! ALL THE TIME, too.

2) CARS! THERE! ANOTHER ONE!

3) Uh. Did I mention food? Okay.

4) Kittens.

5) Diet Coke.

Well, anyway, I can't think of the other stuff right now, but you get the point. I'm a very deep, thoughtful person, and there's lots of things I think about.

"Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line to you time and time again! Right! Well…this is it!"

Half of Britons chat to their motor cars

LONDON (Reuters) - Nearly half of motorists regularly talk to their cars, giving words of encouragement ahead of a long trip and lavishing praise for a job well done at journey's end, according to research on Monday.

A survey of 2,000 owners also found 40 percent thought their car had a personality and was capable of being upset whilst 19 percent worried about how their car was feeling. [...]

BLASPHEMY!

Dr. James Joyner, well known political sciencey type guy, makes note of yet more startling unrest much closer to home.

RUN! RUN AWAY!!

From Nate McCord, a question concerning product liability. My only caveat is to avoid trying to separate frozen biscuit dough with it.

Call it what it is, Frank...

...a QUAGMIRE!

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Weren't expecting THAT, now, were you!?

Well, sorry to be so unpredictable and all.

ANYway, after trotting myself over to the aforementioned AmSouth-Harbert plaza, I went by the florist and ordered a special bunch of 15 roses for my sweetie from the nice lady. 15? Why, yes--15 years ago on Valentine's Day is when I popped the question. I also asked her to marry me. So, an extra few stems to mark the occasion.

After that, off to the upstairs for some flavorful Chinese edibles, AND some words of wisdom for all of you.

And strangely enough, quite appropriate to today's previous conversations.

First up--

A warm smile is a testimony of a generous nature.

That is just so true. Those Chinese people sure are perceptive. Of course, they also seem to smile a lot, too, so that message might just be a clever way of making me think they're generous! Clever Chinese! ::shakes fist::

Next we have a very nice one, again in keeping with the sound of plucking heartstrings--

Love is the secret to finding the answer you're looking for.

"Ancient Chinese secret, huh?!" Well, it's not a very well-kept one--everyone SHOULD know that by now. Just ask Sonny and Cher.

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

5 14 28 36 42. 14

6 11 25 38 42. 18

Jack Bauer Update!

For the multitude of you who don’t care enough to watch 24, I have assembled this handy recap of last night’s show! YAY ME!

Okay, so this one takes place after lunch, and nobody seems to care that they haven’t eaten. Silly persons. We pick up with Jack and Nixon talking about something--Reba called to say she was on her way home from work right at the top of the show, and so I couldn’t hear a lot of what was going on, other than Jack was saying something about his briefs, and Nixon talked him into staying on to try to help him find the nerve gas that his Evil Henchman had allowed to get loose. Jack, however, obviously wanted just to leave and go back and find his landlady and her slacker hippy kid and live happily ever after. But, you know, Nixon just reeeeeeled him back in with all this crap about duty and country and “we need you, Jack,� and Jack seems to be a pushover for that stuff, so he says OK and gets on a black helicopter.

Poofyface Chloe is back again in a big way this week, all pouty and sarcastic and rude and mean and adolescent and bulgey-jowled, and she’s just a tapping away on the computer while her big tubby needy friend looks longingly at her, hoping she’ll ask him what he’s going to have for supper, or if there’s a sale at Target.

Oh, good grief--not THIS! Simple trusting moron idiot boy Samwise Gamgee gets a call from Courtney Love, who says she’s working two jobs but needs money. Rather than be a good Republican and tell her to work three jobs, Stupid Rudy decides to go meet her. Which is STUPID. How do they promote at CTU!? “Well, his mom was Patty Duke, y’know, so let’s give him a nice job ordering people around!� Why not just tell Courtney to wait until the end of the day and he’d meet her? Why not leave a couple of bucks at the front desk? WHY NOT JUST START TALKING ALL STATICKY AND SAY YOU’RE IN A BAD CELL!? Stupid hobbit.

Must be the week to introduce new characters, because there’s some old fusty dude who’s contacted the guys who have the nerve gas, and he’s happy as a lark to tell them what they need to know to fix ‘em up to explode, and for once, CTU is doing the right thing and overhearing his conversation, and recording it, and trying to trace it down. Duh. Pshyeah, we’re tracing it. And then it goes dead, I guess, because Catherine came in to tell me she’d found her GameBoy SP that has been lost for nearly a year. Found it right where she left it, she did--underneath the headboard of her bed.

ANYway, CTU dashes to work to trace the call and it’s coming from a hidden lair in super secret downtown building that only has one tenant, and he’s a real evil identity thief who’s never been convicted, and so they divert Jack and his black helicopter there so he can meet up with Cowboy Curtis, the Big Bald Black SWAT Guy. I sure hope they’ve all figured out what a Flank Two position is! Anyway, the guy tells them the have to cut open the canisters VERY PRECISELY because they’re full of nerve gas, doncha know, and that they have to cut round the bottom exactly 20mm up from the base, and that the case is only 5mm thick. Stupid European Measurements! ::shakes fist::

While they’re diverting him, Puffyface Chloe tells the Gray Haired Boss they need the Crap Weasel who let the Assassin in the building several hours earlier help her overcome the security because, despite the fact that he broke her heart and sowed his seed upon her field, he is STILL a much faster clerk-typist/cryptographer than she is, and certainly more so than her chubby blackshirted needy putz cubicle mate. “BUT CHLOE!� says Needy Chub. “SHUT UP, MORON!� After which, he looks hurt. Gray Haired Boss thinks it over and says, “Oh, what the heck--we already have such crappy security anyway, it’s not gonna hurt to let him play with the toys.� Chloe thinks she shouldn’t have let Weasel Boy play with her toys, but you know, she can’t dwell on that, because there’s, like, some sort of bad stuff going on.

Jack, still flying hither and yon, phones up Brokenose Girl and screams into the phone for her to commit a huge error--“Don’t tell my very hot daughter that I’m alive, but bring her in to CTU, possibly in a bikini or a tight tank top, so she can push buttons and tear things up, or possibly get whacked on the head, or create a huge amount of trouble for me and the rest of the country by compromising my mission!�

Brokenose Girl says, “Okeedoke and roger that, Jack darling!�

The Bad Guys with Gas have a fight after one tries to talk some sense. NO SENSE TALK HERE, KOMRAD! Then the show up later at a motorcycle repair shop, “HEV U INNY PREZIZHUN COOTING TOOWELS!?� Yeah, moron, a torch and a hacksaw. Putzes. ANYway they tell the motorcycle repairguy they’re just a bunch of fun-luvin’ freedom dudes, and get to work or they’ll plug him. I swear I thought I heard the guy tell him that the cuts had to be made at 10cm above the bottom. Which, despite being Stupid European Measurements, I figure is not quite the same as 20mm, but maybe I misheard it. And I’m sure the guy has a metric ruler, since he has a shop full of Harleys. Probably doesn’t even HAVE a ruler. But he does have some kind of weird horizontal circular hacksaw deal of some sort. They get one open, and GEE WHIZ, a red LED readout! How clever these danged evil people are! Anyway, there sure did look like an AWFUL lot of room inside that canister after it was cut open--I think they probably could have done just as well with some tin snips.

Back at the Ranch, Crazy First Lady Jean Smart comes in to purr at Nixon some, who can’t figure out what to do, other than look like a shriveled up dog poopy, so Crazy First Lady wallops him across his putty-like face and tells him not to try locking her up in the nuthouse--any!more! He winces and to his credit does not cry, although he does eagerly get Mike the Bald Guy to come in and save him from further humiliation at the hands of his slappyhappy wife.

Mike starts figuring out a good cover-up for the cover-ups that have already been started, and CRLJS says, “WAIT! You’re talking about a COVER-UP!� She goes down the whole laundry list of stuff that Nixon has had happen with his stupid Evil Henchman--the guy got the Allstate Insurance Guy killed, he helped steal nerve gas, he helped get the nerve gas on a truck bound for somewhere, he fondled her delicate heaving chestal region to find her paperwork, he lied, he cheated, he did not raise the seat to pee--surely no President in his right MIND would want to cover that kind of thing up!! Nixon, wavering, still thinks a cover-up sounds hunky dory, but doesn’t want to get his other sallow jowl slapped, so he pretends to be interested in what the Crazy One has to say, and tells Bald Mike to lump it. With a wink and a nod.

Jack and Cowboy Curtis get to the building, and then have to run down the block, which won’t create the least bit of curiosity, since this is, after all, Los Angeleeeez, and Chloe and Crap Weasel figure out the building security and guide them in via their little earpieces. They slap the front desk guard around a lot and turn off the cameras then get on the elevator and slap him around some more and go upstairs, but the upstairs guards have more than just a pair of ugly black Dr. Scholl security guard shoes to work with, and pull out some guns and start trying to use them by standing up and firing into the air. Despite the fact that they took gun-handling lessons from the “Stand up from behind cover and start shooting in the air� school, they still manage to wing Cowboy Curtis, who falls down. Jack, however, does not get hit and quickly dispatches the guards by NOT firing wildly, but rather by the clever tactic of shooting at them.

He runs in and finds the Fusty Old Dude and starts popping shots off at him as he tries to run. RUN, FUSTY DUDE! PING! PING! PING! Dern--old man moves pretty good! But alas, he does catch a slug, and Jack goes and arrests him and then Chloe tells him there’s some other bad guy afoot in the bedroom, but it turns out to be a waifish Kiev girl he got online by Googling for underage Russian brides. This guy’s a real jerk, let me tell you--which is why I am glad Jack gets to rough him up a bit to try to get him to tell him everything.

The bad guy says he wants a lawyer, and Cowboy Curtis lets him have a little jackboot action on his bad leg, and the guy whines and cries and Jack talks some more and the guys and gals at CTU sit around looking Pensive and Concerned, and then the Fusty Old Guy says he wants a deal signed by Janet Reno to leave the country, have a cool secret lair somewhere else, and a Ferrari, and an ice cream machine, and some socks, and a box lunch, and…portentous pause with dramatic ticking and music--

THE GIRL!

Jack can’t stand this because she’s just a kid and reminds him of either the slacker son of his landlady or of Kim, except Kim is much more filled out. He starts to whack him around some more for even suggesting such a thing, and STUPID RUDY decides they don’t have time for torture! STUPID RUDY! Has he not watched this show!? There’s always time for mindless hurtage of bad guys! But NOOOOO, give him a deal, he says, like he’s Monty Hall or something.

BACK AT THE RANCH, Crazy First Lady Jean Smart, who is still in her pajamas pretending to be a blogger, helps Nixon write his “I’m a big idiot, but you can still trust me� speech that he has no intention of giving if he can find a way to ship CRLJS off somewhere safe and full of powerful narcotics, and she looks all pleased with herself being in the driver’s seat like the old days when she worked with those Sugarbaker gals-- and Nixon looks like he’s suffering from indigestion, and gout, and then Bald Headed Mike tersely calls him on the phone and says terse things about serious matters, and tells him the President he has something to show him, but Nixon is worried about the LAST time Mike tried to show him something, but he and CRLJS get up and go where Mike is, wherever that is, and find that his Former Evil Henchman is now a Late Lynchman, having strung himself up in yet another closely guarded room. Coward.

Well, cut him down, then.

MEANWHILE, silly, dim, Sam the Hobbit stumbles out of CTU into the daylight to go meet Courtney Love, and he tries to give her the name of a good doctor, because he’s an IDIOT, and several of Courtney’s roadies jump Sam and beat the crap out of him and steal his wallet and CTU Secret Spy Agency ID and Discount Card, because SAM IS DUMB. Shouldn’t you have to have mad ninja skilz to be in charge of CTU?! Shouldn’t you take a friend with you when you go to a bad part of town and meet a crack ho in a back alley? Shouldn’t you JUST GIVE HER THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHEN YOU HAD HER ON THE PHONE!? Stupid, stupid Rudy. And he didn’t even get lunch!

BACK AT THE FUSTY GUY’S LAIR, Jack breaks the news to the waif that despite the fact that he’d been nice to her, he traded her for some information about secret electric doohickeys and some magic beans, and he’s sorry, but he’ll make sure nothing else happens to her. Somehow. Chick’s not buying it, with good reason. Obviously, SHE’S seen the show before and knows how these things play out. She goes to get dressed, and then comes out, and plugs the old rapist with a double tap from the 9mm she had hidden in her sweater. Somehow. She was so skinny it would seem a hogleg like that would have been pretty noticeable. Then again, Bugs Bunny was able to hide anvils and stuff like that in his pockets, so you know. Anyway, nice shot. Of course, had all the SWAT guys wandering around the place SEARCHED FOR HIDDEN WEAPONS, the Fusty Old Dead Guy might not be dead. But hey, whatever.

NEXT WEEK: Jack goes to meet the Bad Ruskies and give them the codes to blow the nerve gas canisters, and of course, they have to go to the mall, because they missed lunch, but that’s dangerous because there are a lot of people there, and the Chinese barbecue place got a bad health department rating. Rudy goes completely nuts and tells them to blow it up anyway, because he’s run the numbers and although he’s illiterate and isn’t smart enough to keep from getting mugged, it’s still a good idea to gas a smaller bunch of folks than a big bunch of folks.

Wisdom of the ages...

Nothing beats blowing off studying for an exam because you are DUI in a zamboni.

Even by late-1980s standards.

Which one!?

Maytag posts 4Q loss, wants to sell Hoover

J. Edgar, Herbert, or The City of?

Get thee to a punnery.

Dr. Smith regales us with news from Carolina.

Talk about someone with too much time on her hands!

Just got a message from T3 Question Provider Sarah G., who took it upon herself to produce a photosimulation intended to describe my mood when I am forced to wear my pocketless Ralph Lauren dress shirt.

WARNING: Possibly not work safe.

Grr. Me smash.

I wonder...

Should I encourage Rebecca to begin her class presentation of her brochure by singing "Bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-Bahrain"?

Maybe I AM getting old!

I mean, I joke about it, but I've never REALLY considered myself that old. But then I get folks dropping by here looking for such things as this: antique painting, franco harris immaculate reception, and it makes me think again.

Was it really THAT long ago?!

Oh, I see.

Florida school has one-man wrestling team

So THAT'S the euphemism the kids are using nowadays...

Well, how about that--

Dominatrix Acquitted in Bondage Death

Talk about beating the rap!

You know what's funny?

John Kerry writes love notes to Frank J.

Of course, it wouldn't be nearly so funny if Frank J. did not answer.

"You guys don't even stand up to pee."

Be strong, Ronin.

Total moron?!

Hey, count me in.

A good question!

Had a visitor drop by not too long ago wondering: What makes some men so sweet.

I can only speak for myself, but I think it is an attitude that no matter what, every day when you get yourself up out of bed, you're going to dip yourself in wild clover honey and then roll yourself in confectioner's sugar. Sure, it's messy sometimes, but doggone it, it's worth it.

Why I Love Alabama, #3,783

Seen stopped this morning at the traffic light at the bottom of the 22nd Street exit, a white Ford Explorer wearing Talladega County license plates.

On the upper portion of the back window, a sticker indicating the owner sells Mary Kay cosmetics.

At the bottom of the back window, a sticker which read:

Will Duck Hunt for Food

Let me tell you, that's hard to beat.

My goodness...

...if it's not Godzilla or Rodin, it's giant jellyfish.

TOKYO (Reuters) - A slimy jellyfish weighing as much as a sumo wrestler has Japan's fishing industry in the grip of its poisonous tentacles.

Vast numbers of Echizen kurage, or Nomura's jellyfish, have appeared around Japan's coast since July, clogging and ripping fishing nets and forcing fishermen to spend hours hacking them apart before bringing home their reduced catches. [...]

Meaningless? Boring?

Meetings?! Nah, that's just silly! Who doesn't love a good hour-long exercise in futility?!

Some good news...

Study Finds Exercise Helps Delay Dementia

Still, I think it's going to be hard on him to ever win back any sort of House leadership role, even in the event he is exonerated.

A respected academic...

...a man of no small reputation, contributor to many scholarly journals, holding a doctorate, teaching at a fine institution of higher learning, just sent me this.

Blame him, not me.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches a loan officer's desk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says "My name is Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger. It's okay, I know the bank manager here."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Uh-oh.

A startling note regarding the validity of certain marriages from blogging-again Greg Hlatky.

I get so few opportunities to prance about in my birthday suit, and now this comes along. Sheesh.

Most Destructive Sport?

A gauntlet has either been thrown down or slapped across Fritz Schranck's face concerning his favorite sport, golf, which a fellow blogger has called a destructive sport.

I don't know about that, but I do know that I would be much more interested in golf if it required the golf balls to be shot out of a firearm of some sort. And if women's golfing attire was much more like that worn by beach volleyball players.

And what would Christmas be without--

--Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Today those wise Chinese people let loose with some good ones. First up:

Your energy is at a peak. Channel it into creative activities.

You know, that is just so true. How DO they know these things!? But, no matter--it's an excellent idea, and I think I will channel all of my peaking energy into a nap. No use overdoing, eh?

Next, this equally incredible gem:

You are strong and brave. Use your strength to pull you through.

Can they call 'em or what!? I notice that although I am both strong AND brave, I am being told to keep my bravery idling and just slide by on strength alone. Which is fine. Napping doesn't really require the bravery that say, fighting off ninjas or badgers does.

Today's lucky numbers:

7 15 25 38 42. 26

And...

1 19 23 33 42. 8

Delusions...

...of effectiveness.

I gave up on such crazy ideas long ago.

"Deck us all with Boston Charlie..."

Christmas tree possum surprises Pa. teen

ENGLEWOOD, Pa. (AP) — Mary Kathleen O'Connor, 16, doing some studying for school about 6 a.m. Tuesday, said she was the first to be startled by an apparent Christmas tree stowaway.

"I'm looking at the tree and the angel just pops off," she said. "And a second later, this head just popped up. The eyes were, like, glowing. I was thinking, 'Oh my God!' And I screamed."

Other family members came running. "We looked at it and I thought it might have been a fake," said her father, Michael O'Connor, a Frackville attorney. "But then it moved its head. And I thought 'Holy Jeez. We're in trouble.'"

O'Connor called police, and William E. O'Donnell, a state Game Commission deputy wildlife conservation officer, removed an 18-inch-long opossum from the 8-foot Douglas fir the family had bought, bundled, from a dealer in Seltzer.

O'Donnell caged the animal and released it in woods about five miles away. The tree, meanwhile, was still in the front yard where Patricia had hurled it. "The lights are still on it," Michael O'Connor said. "So is the stand."

Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

Firmly grasping his beltloops with his thumbs--

--and yanking his trouser waistband up to his sternum, yet another person finds he has become a crusty old geezer.

And for what it's worth, I am STILL shivering at my desk.

I tell you what--those college professors are something!

Jim Smith, Ph.D., just sent me the 2006 Hooters Calendar.

THANKS!

Fun With Referrer Logs!

This just in: Does McDonald's serve emu meat?

Don't I wish!

Next up, a problem I'm sure all you parents know about: how to get grandparents to stop giving junk food all the time.

My kids' grandparents used to do this all the time, until I called and had the local child welfare agency come and arrest them. But seriously, probably the best way to handle this is discretely, by slipping the kids some syrup of ipecac in their junk food, thus causing the junk food to be forcefully ejected onto the floor of the grandparent's domicile.

Thanks for dropping by!

Yes, but what exactly is Grinder Girl trying to say to me!?

Letterman Lawyers Fight Restraining Order

SANTA FE, N.M. - Attorneys for television talk show host David Letterman want a judge to quash a restraining order granted to a Santa Fe woman who contends the celebrity used code words to show that he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host.

A state judge granted a temporary restraining order to Colleen Nestler, who alleged in a request filed last Thursday that Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and "sleep deprivation" since May 1994.

Nestler requested that Letterman, who tapes his show in New York, stay at least three yards away and not "think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering."

Attorneys for Letterman, in a motion filed Tuesday, contend the order is without merit and asked state District Judge Daniel Sanchez to quash it.

"Celebrities deserve protection of their reputation and legal rights when the occasional fan becomes dangerous or deluded," Albuquerque attorney Pat Rogers wrote in the motion.

Nestler told The Associated Press by telephone Wednesday that she had no comment pending her request for a permanent restraining order "and I pray to God I get it."

Sanchez set a Jan. 12 hearing on the permanent order.

Letterman's longtime Los Angeles attorney, Jim Jackoway, said Nestler's claims were "obviously absurd and frivolous."

"This constitutes an unfortunate abuse of the judicial process," he said.

Nestler's application for a restraining order was accompanied by a six-page typed letter in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and "eye expressions" to convey his desires for her.

She wrote that she began sending Letterman "thoughts of love" after his show began in 1993, and that he responded in code words and gestures, asking her to come East.

She said he asked her to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show by saying, "Marry me, Oprah." Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her, and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time. [...]

It really is sad that this woman does not seem to be getting the medical care she needs, and that the court agreed to even a temporary order in the first place.

Do not click here.

Told you so.

Have you...

...ever dreamed of walking along a roadside and coming to a lovely pasture, and suddenly you realize there are great big fluffy gophers the size of Labrador retrievers popping up everywhere?

It's not one of the better sorts of dreams, let me tell you.

I wonder if I have gotten as old as David yet?

You know, King David?

Because even though by global standards today it's a relative balmy 25 honest to goodness, real live Fahrenheit degrees, I simply cannot stand it. And it's not like I don't have plenty of rich blubber to keep me warm--I do, but it doesn't seem to be doing the job. I don't like being all hot and sticky in the summertime, but I've never been one of those chubs who long for winter so I can walk around and not sweat. I like it cooler, but anything below 50 or so and it's just as uncomfortable (in the opposite direction, obviously) as if it were 120.

I blame old age.

I remember going to my dad's parents house every Christmas (which is the only time we would go) and they had one of those gas space heaters in the front room. It was like an oven in there--but not in a good way. Those heaters suck all the air and moisture out of the room and it's like trying to breathe with sinuses full of silica gel. And, of course, it smelled like baking musty clothes filled with mothballs. But Big Mama and Big Daddy certainly seemed to enjoy it.

Now that I have entered the door to the long slide into total decrepitude, when it gets the slightest bit chilly outside, I keep thinking how nice it might be if I had a little space heater under my desk, or maybe a natural gas well flaring off. Or, you know, what they did for Dave Rex. It says there in I Kings how David was old and stricken with years and no matter how many clothes and blankets they put on him they couldn't get him warm, so they ran off down to Shunam and got a hot chick named Abishag to stand before him, and minister to him, and cherish him, and all that kinda thing.

In the immortal words of Mel Brooks, "it's good to be the king."

Then again, despite all the troubles David had, he didn't have my wife to contend with, so I might just have to make do with a space heater.

UPDATE: I do take comfort in the fact that I am not the only one who has succumbed to the frailties of old age.

Well, now. THAT'S a new one!

Just got a long "dead oil company president with no heirs" spam e-mail, purportedly from Mr. Richard Manjezi and/or Mr. Gerald Nelson, written entirely in German. I wish I spoke German, and then I could tell if their grammar in other languages is as bad as it is in English. Remarkably, the sum in question is very familiar--" $ 27.562.300 $ USD (siebenundzwanzig Millionen, fünfhundertzweiundsechzig tausend und dreihundert)".

Somewhere, Nigerian 419 operators must have had a seminar on coming up with the perfect number to use--something around 27 million dollars seems to be the hot ticket.

From the "If Life Gives You Lemons..." File

New Orleans Company to Offer Disaster Tours

By JANET McCONNAUGHEY, Associated Press Writer

NEW ORLEANS - For $35 per person — $28 for children — a New Orleans company is offering bus tours of some of the city's most misery-stricken spots, including the Superdome, the Convention Center and neighborhoods ravaged by Hurricane Katrina.

Residents disagree over whether the tours are crass and morbid exploitation, or a good way to help people grasp the enormity of the disaster and keep public attention focused on New Orleans' plight.

The three-hour tours, called "Hurricane Katrina — America's Worst Castastrophe," were announced last week by Gray Line New Orleans, with the first one set for Jan. 4. [...]

I just hope none of the buses are named The Minnow.

For some reason...

...when I saw this picture, all I could hear in my mind was Kenny Loggins singing "I'm Alright," and Carl Spackler talking in hushed tones about the Varmint Cong.

Nothing says poetry like spam.

From Sarah G. up Virginia way, a lovely bit of verse created from the subject lines of spam in her e-mail box. It brought a tear to my eye.

And so, I must now make you cry as well.

THUS, I give you, my bit of ispambic pentametric glory:

3 scores for Alan before Dec 16th
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I hope that you enjoy this present
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Skinny cooks can't be trusted
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Our Customers can't be wrong
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Last chance for lower rates
the afro or annie and wrath a herringbone a razor, astonish try

Get one now.
CONGRATULATIONS >>>ON YOUR WINNINGS!!!!!
Medical Info - Age should be nothing more than a number
The specialist will review your meadicial case asap

greatly improve your stamina
Eradicate all you owe without mailing another dollar
Abolish all that you are indebted for
Eliminate the awkward

Furrier E. Barr

Oh, NO!

What will Lileks say!? Chuck E. Cheese whistles are recalled

I imagine as long as they don't try to take out the skeeball machines, he'll be okay.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

I was in a festive jolly holiday mood today, and of course, nothing reminds me of the Pilgrims 'n' Indians 'n' the bounty of the harvest quite so much as a big plate of kung pao chicken and a steamy bowl of hot and sour soup!

Actually, I'm just hoping all the pepper will open up my head a bit.

BE THAT AS IT MAY, it is time for that part of my lunch you all so enjoy.

First up, this gem of wisdom: "Take a break from your usual routine and enjoy yourself."

Why, those sneaky ChiComs are trying to damage American productivity by telling me to relax! WELL, IT WON'T WORK! I'm gonna finish lunch and then fold letters and stuff envelopes AND compose a 10,000 word essay on the global geopolitical implications of eraser crumbs! So THERE!

Next up, this: "Remember the past to help you in the future." Well, dangitall, they might be sneaky but they are very wise--I just wish I'd read this before I went to lunch, because I forgot that I brought my lunch today, and it's in the refrigerator feeling lonely and neglected now. Poor lunch.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow, which I consider to be the future.

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

2 18 25 37 41. 12

and

3 19 22 34 39. 12

COOL!

I wonder how much a subscription will be!?

Context? We don' need no steekin' context!

Wordly fun with Eugene Volokh.

It brings to mind my co-worker who thinks A) that "prolithic" is a word, and B) that it means what "prolific" does.

But, I guess the former could be useful for describing rock promoters.

Bottom Story of the Day

Ho ho ho: Men in Mobile taught that Santa is jolly and nice

Apparently the Port City's idea for last year's celebration--Come Meet Satan Claus--didn't go over quite so well as people had thought.

Science!

Just had a reader drop by who found his way here searching for trees thAT BEAR BIG UGLY FRUIT

Why anyone would want to know about that, I have no idea, but it might explain the existence of Michael Moore.

I wonder--

--if he'll start gloating about this over at Frank J.'s place?

High Tide for Aquaman

By Joal Ryan
Mon Nov 14, 7:16 PM ET

Actors with "incredible swimmer's bod[ies]" are encouraged to apply.

So goes a current casting notice for a possible WB series about underwater overachiever Aquaman, according to the fansite AquamanTV.com.

Ideally, the future Arthur Curry--that's Aquaman's alter ego--also should be between "18-24 years old, [have] blond or light brown hair [and, of course, be] drop-dead handsome," the site said, quoting the announcement. [...]

I believe it probably sounded better in Latin--"bucketum kickus"

From Steevil the Sailor Man (and famous rocket scientist), this article from something called AGI Online, which, as he notes, contains a rather adventuresome translation:

BENEDICT XVI CELEBRATES JOHN PAUL II AND LATE CARDINALS
(AGI) - Vatican City, Nov 11 - The legacy of Pope John Pail II "includes, among various examples, a shining attitude towards prayer. We now pick up his spiritual heritage under the guidance of his heavenly intercession," said today Pope Benedict XVI during a sermon to celebrate late cardinals and bishops. "Over the last 12 months," said the current Pope, "we have had five revered cardinals who kicked the bucket: Juan Carlos Aramburu, Jan Pieter Schotte, Corrado Bafile, Jaime Sin and, less than a month ago, Giuseppe Caprio. [...]

Okay, so maybe I might have time to play despite my protestations to the contrary.

But only because the subject is so important.

Before we start: When is a door not a door?

When a door is ajar!

BWAHAHAAAAA!

Now then, on to the scientific part of this: Women May Enjoy Humor More, if It's Funny

By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, AP Science Writer
Tue Nov 8,11:11 AM ET

WASHINGTON - The difference between the sexes has long been a rich source of humor. Now it turns out, humor is one of the differences.

Women seem more likely than men to enjoy a good joke, mainly because they don't always expect it to be funny.

"The long trip to Mars or Venus is hardly necessary to see that men and women often perceive the world differently," a research team led by Dr. Allan L. Reiss of the Stanford University School of Medicine reports in Tuesday's issue of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

But they were surprised when their studies of how the male and female brains react to humor showed that women were more analytical in their response, and felt more pleasure when they decided something really was funny.

"Women appeared to have less expectation of a reward, which in this case was the punch line of the cartoon," said Reiss. "So when they got to the joke's punch line, they were more pleased about it."

Women were subjecting humor to more analysis with the aim of determining if it was indeed funny, Reiss said in a telephone interview.

Men are using the same network in the brain, but less so, he said, men are less discriminating."It doesn't take a lot of analytical machinery to think someone getting poked in the eye is funny," he commented when asked about humor like the Three Stooges.

While there is a lot of overlap between how men and women process humor, the differences can help account for the fact that men gravitate more to one-liners and slapstick while women tend to use humor more in narrative form and stories, Reiss said.

The funnier the cartoon the more the reward center in the women's brain responded, unlike men who seemed to expect the cartoons to be funny from the beginning, the researchers said. [...]

Reiss' team studied the response of 10 women and 10 men to 70 black-and-while cartoons, asking them to rate the jokes for how funny they were. While the volunteers were looking at the cartoons their brains were being studied with an MRI to determine what parts of the brains were responding.

In large part, men and women had similar responses to humor, using parts of the brain responsible for the structure and context of language and for understanding juxtaposition.

In women, however, some areas were more active than in men. These included the left prefrontal cortex, which the researchers said suggests a greater emphasis on language and executive processing, and the nucleus accumbens, or NAcc, which is part of the reward center.

Reiss said he was surprised at the NAcc finding. The researchers theorized that because women were being more analytical they weren't necessarily expecting the cartoons to be as funny as did the men.

Then, when they saw the punch line, the reward center lit up, indicating something pleasant and unexpected. [...]

I suppose that's probably in the next research grant proposal.

Oh, and before I forget, one for the rocket scientists amongst you.

I wonder if he'll be offering to do free exams?

Bill Clinton starts breast cancer fund

Yes, it's a very worthy cause, but you kinda wonder if there might be another equally worthy cause out there that wouldn't cause quite so much tittering.

From the "Warning, Cape Does Not Allow Wearer to Fly" File...

Harry Potter's "flying" car is stolen

LONDON (Reuters) - The "flying" Ford Anglia used in the Harry Potter films has been stolen from a film studio lot, police said on Friday.

"For those who have not seen the Harry Potter films, this is the car that flies in the movies and is very well known," a police spokesman said.

The blue Anglia went missing from South West Film Studios at St Agnes in the southwestern English county of Cornwall.

"The film prop was being stored under a tarpaulin. It was not in good condition and could not have been driven away under its own steam," the police spokesman said.

I would start looking at the bottoms of nearby ravines.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Nothing like some kung pao chicken on a chilly day to make your insides all toasty warm like a blast furnace.

Why don't I order something else? Sometimes I do, but whenever the female half of the husband and wife team (who are not Chinese, by the way) who own the place is there, I forget everything else--kung pao is sorta the default order. If the husband's there, I can think better.

And while I'm thinking of it, unless you eat with chopsticks all the time, don't think you have to use them for Chinese food. I saw several folks out in the seating area struggling with them, and all for naught. It was especially painful to watch the young guy trying to show his mad stik skilz to his ladyfriend, because it was obvious he wanted to appear worldly and cosmopolitan as he ate his chain-outlet, downtown Birmingham Chinese food, and he was bedeviled by the fact that two sticks are the least efficient way to get food to your mouth ever invented. (Neglecting for a moment the use of trained gibbons to put food in your mouth for you.)

You know what the first Chinese guy who saw a fork said? "We invent the compass and gunpowder and paper and noodles, and you mean to sit there and tell me we've been eating with STICKS when we could've invented a FORK?!"

Yes, that's what he said. Of course, now they've all gotten in the habit of it, so to them it's no big deal either way, but over here, use a fork. Although they are less exotic, sometimes that's not a big tradeoff for keeping food off your shirt.

ANYWAY, that's not why we're here--today's fortunes are:

A single kind word will keep one warm for years.

I wonder if that means if I heap praise upon people I don't like, they'll burst into flames?

The constructive use of riches is better than their possession.

Hmm. Sounds like a good experiment to try. First, I need riches. All of you send me all your money. I'll see how that feels, then I'll use it for something constructive, like, say, a mansion, and then see it that makes me feel better. Okay, get to it! "Chop-chop," as they say!

TODAY'S LUCKY NUMBERS:

3 15 28 36 42. 17

5 14 25 36 40. 15

LOOK! A BADGER!!

MAKE THAT TWO!!

(Thanks to Dr. Smith.)

That's what he gets for losing all that weight.

From the lovely Sarah G., this photo show of formerly chubby weather guy Al Roker as he does battle with some woman named Wilma.

There's much to be said for ballast.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Once again I sallied forth to the AmSouth-Harbert food court, this time for a TOP SECRET assignation with none other than Sugarmama (not her real name)! Due to a variety of circumstances, Miss Sugar has withdrawn from the blogging world and now lives a life of quiet obscurity, excepting for those occasions when I mention that I had lunch with her to make everyone jealous. Like, oh, today, for instance.

As usual, I wore my casual blue checkered button-up shirt and blue polyester pants that make me look like a 14 year old math club geek, parted my hairs just-so, made sure I had a suitable number of pens in my pocket, and headed out.

As usual, SM was looking quite fetching and professional, aside from the shoes with the needle-nose-plier toes. She says they're comfortable, but they sure did hurt my feet.

Not really. I...I mean, I didn't try them ON or anything...REALLY!

Lunch was from the magical Chan Lee, who provided us with tasty hot styrofoam plates full of kung pao beef and kung pao chicken. Supposedly. I mean, who knows what it really was. Coulda even been bologna. Anyway, it was all very good and mouth-scorching.

Luncheon topics included school, work, school work, dealing with insensitive geniuses, Hooters, crawl space insulation, natural gas, biking, Daylight Savings Time, computers, and The Blizzard of '93, amongst others.

It was all very convivial, and quite nice to catch up on how she's been doing since giving up the glamorous blogging life. And yes, I got a hug out of the deal. ::does taunting NFL endzone dance::

BUT, the thing I know you're ALL waiting on--the FORTUNES!

Here they are--first up is Sugarmama's, because she's a girl and all:

Someone has complimented you today in your absence.

She said this was true.

And mine--

Happiness always accompanies with you.

True, and in exactly the inverse proportion of proofreaders who follow Chinese fortune writers.

AND YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS!

6 11 19 37 40. 25

and

7 16 23 36 38. 19

So there you have it!

One of the benefits of having the speakers hooked up correctly.

I don't ever have the sound turned on on my computer at home unless it's absolutely required, so I have missed out on all the silly Windows XP chords and buzzes and clicks and other whale noises the machinery makes when things happen.

But here at work, where it is cold and lonely and something must be done to supply entertainment to me so I won't go stark raving mad, it was nice to hear all that after I got my speakers plugged into the correct jack.

One thing I noticed is a particular sound that happens when you try to do something without closing a dialogue box. It's a short, pleasant ::bing:: sound. It reminds me of the old department store bell pagers from back in the olden days when I was young. I always was mystified by the tones, and thought whenever we went into the big downtown Sears store that this must be what it's like when people go shopping in New York City. It just sounded very cosmopolitan and swanky, before I even understood the concept of swanky and cosmoplitan. (Admittedly, my understanding is still a bit weak, confined as it is to department store paging bells and the Dean Martin Show.)

Anyway, it's a nice sound, so sometimes I'll open a dialogue box in Word and click all around it just to make the ::ding::ding-ding::ding:: sound.

Hurricanes

You know what? I'm tired of the Weather Service using the names of people for storms.

If it's a bad storm, and it has your name, the first time you introduce yourself to someone, they will invariably say in the clever mocking way clever mockers have, "OooooooH--Hurricane Camille!" I used to go to church with a girl named Camille, and the first thing that always pops in my head when I think of her name is the hurricane. I went to college with a girl named Katrina, and now if I ever see her again, I'll probably think about Hurricane Katrina. Andrew, Charley, Hugo, Ivan, Frederick--and now, Wilma, beloved wife of Fred Flintstone.

Anyway, I really am serious--they should quit naming them after people, and start coming up with goofy names like the drug companies do with new medicines or comic book writersdo when they name villains. A'gustin. Blowina. Cyclown. Deepcee. Stuff like that.

Of course, what'll happen is people will start naming their kids after them.

"EU" is right.

Do not click here.

Eeee--yewwww.

Yes, I realize there's been very little substantive blogging herein today. But, thankfully, you will also be spared tomorrow as well. What a steenkin' day it's been. And will be tonight as well. Work to do at home, which is really no fun at all.

Oh well.

Putting the "fun" back into "funeral"...

Dave Helton sends along this joke.

I know you get along with your inlaws fairly well, but this be funny--

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The Israeli undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Jesus Christ died here and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Well, it's not like it's John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt...

Steevil, famed NASA Rocket Scientist and brother of Dr. Weevil, just sent me the following:

There may be a story behind this bibliography entry:

"[4] R. C. Titsworth [subsequent to publication of this paper, the author changed his surname to Tausworthe], “Optimal Ranging Codes,� IEEE Trans. Space Elec. & Telem., vol. SET-10, pp. 19-30, March 1964."

Anyway, doing a bit of surfing on the Amazon revealed that the R stands for Robert, and under the Tausworthe moniker, he has at least six books of a highly esoteric type dealing with things and stuff and electrical things and junk--things that were I a rocket scientist, I would be able to immediately comprehend. Sadly, saddled as I am with a walnut-sized brain, the titles read more like a random word generator test, which is why he's a college professor and I am, well, me.

As for his titter-inducing former name, looking through Amazon also brought me to this book, which indicates the original version of Titsworth is the Dutch surname "Tietsoort."

As for the rest of the story, well, you'll just have to do your own research!

I want to thank all of the little people who made this day so special for me...

I just got the following e-mail from Nate McCord:

I just want to be able to say I knew Terry before he was rich and famous and had one of his silliest Possumblog ideas scattered for the whole world to hear on the silver screen. I really hope you will remember us little folk of the AoW when you move the family to Hollywood to write more silly Possumblog stuff.

What the heck am I talking about? Why, Cornguins are famous! Except they used Bisquick instead of cornmeal, but hey, the penguins from the movie Madagascar are back in a short, showing just in front of Wallace and Grommet and the Case of the WereRabbit. It seems the penguins have a creed, "Don't swim in hot oil and Bisquick." No, not that creed, the other one! Oh, "Penguin's don't swim alone."

That's it! Twice the reference is made to not swimming in hot oil and Bisquick! If that's not a direct theft of your long running cornguin meme, I don't know what is! So you better get the attorney on retainer and set your sights on Hollywood!

AND YES! MY IDEA HAS BEEN STOLEN! I DEMAND SATISFACTION! Sure, Bisquick isn't cornbread, but then again, our top secret plans for our new fall line of Biscatees, and Bisquins, and Biscoons were STILL TOP SECRET! Somehow, I suspect industrial espionage agents are at work, and there must be a purge of our Research and Development Department!

And yes, the entire Legal Department is on the way to California right now to demand satisfaction from the cartoon people.

Until this matter is resolved, we do invite you to be on the lookout for some brand-new choices in the frozen breakfast line!

And to the person who came here looking for...

...Aardvark Trimming Machine--I think maybe you really wanted to go here.

Now, I'm not about to get into a discussion of why anyone would want to trim an aardvark. "Live and let live," and all that. But still, I am amazed that there is enough interest in such a thing that someone would actually come up with a machine to do it. I mean, back in my day, you just grabbed a pair of scissors and held on for dear life.

Well, I mean, for the people who trimmed their aardvarks. I never actually did anything like that.

Honest.

Pricey things, though--400 bucks!

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

I usually do this on Wednesdays, but doggone it, I just thought I needed to get out and go get some encouragement and MSG from Chan Lee. (The joint over in the food court, not the guy named Chan Lee.)

Quite busy today, but obviously it was well worth it.

First up:

You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.

You know, that is just so true. Those mystical inscrutable Chinese sure are something else smart. But I know it's true because friends are always coming up to me and saying, "Hey, Terry." And I say, "Yes?" because that's the courteous thing to do, and they say, "You sure are charming and courteous. Those are both wonderful traits, you know." And I say, "Thank you! I KNOW!" And really, just because they're imaginary friends, that shouldn't diminish what they have to say, right? Right.

Next up--

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.

Hmm. I suppose we're in trouble, then, huh.

OH WELL, here's your LUCKY NUMBERS!

5 1 28 36 45. 12

and

5 16 21 36 4. 26

Silly Fritz...

...says this picture is of organically-grown marshmallows, but it's obvious he found a Delaware toilet paper farm.

I tell you what--products to help you clean up after doing your business is a big business.

HEY!

One for all the aardvark lovers out there!

No, silly, not this one--

THIS ONE!

The Cone of Silence

Well, I suppose it was inevitable, but Agent 86 is gone.

I always enjoyed the show--of course, it was on back when I was just a little kid and this was back before I realized what a cutie Barbara Feldon was--but even after I got all growed up, I never really knew that much about Adams, other than he was pretty funny. This was a real eye-opener:

[...] In 1941, he dropped out of school to join the Marines. In Guadalcanal he survived the deadly blackwater fever and was returned to the States to become a drill instructor, acquiring the clipped delivery that served him well as a comedian. [...]

Anyway, rest easy, Marine.

I tell you what...

...those new Tupperware bowls really keep your lunch fresh!

Busy?

Insanely so. But never too busy to help someone who has stumbled into Possumblog searching for answers to the riddles of life. Or, something such as--What does it mean when you have a burning sensation in your toes.

Our researchers have been poring over all the available data, and it appears that this is a symptom brought on by standing in the campfire. Our staff physician, Newly Fourdreaux, PhrD., states that he counsels patients not to stand in fire.

If you want advice from someone other than a doctor of phrenology, you might want to look at this page from the Mayo Clinic (mmm--love their creamy sandwich spread!) that describes the symptoms of Morton's neuroma, metatarsalgia, and peripheral neuropathy.

Or, you know, go see a doctor.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

A nice walk today--blue skies and cooler temps--yet still warm enough not to need pants.

I was rather disappointed upon my return to my desk, however, when I popped open the fortune cookies--both were as limp and stale as the latest Elton John song. This unfortunate circumstance caused me to discard both cookies (sans fortunes) after only one awful bite.

BUT AT LEAST THE FORTUNES WERE FRESH AND CRISP!

To whit:

You will have a long and weal-thy [sic] life.

Whew. I was beginning to wonder about that. Now I can rest easier. I bet John Doe comes and gives me a million-dollar job!

Next up--

Ignorance never settles a question.

I don't know--seems to have worked out that way for a certain former FEMA director.

AND, now, your lucky numbers:

Daily Numbers 2 5 8
Lotto Six #'s [sic] 27 38 6 24 1 20

&

Daily Numbers 8 0 2
Lotto Six #'s [sic] 17 28 44 17 89 29

I realize he's just trying to help, but...

I don't think I'd want to eat whatever it is he's serving.

You just never know...

Spam!

Yes, I know everyone gets junk like this--I get hundreds every week. But this one was just too precious not to mock. Added points for it coming to my work e-mail.

From: Coleen Fritz [mailto:gfischervfmz@******.com]

Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2005 3:03 AM
To: Oglesby, Terry
Subject: Don't miss Your chance! Subscribe now!

Hello!

My name is John Doe and i'm the head of hiring department of well-known German electronics company.

We are looking for people who can help us in one matter.

Don't waste your chance - become an employee of world-known company and earn good money.

Be hurry,number of positions is limited, if you ask us today tomorrow you will receive answer.

If you are interested contact us by e-mail: uk@mikro-tech.com

HELLO!

Yours very friendly,
John SMITH, Pres. CE

And yes, obviously I sent this back through the way it came, not to the address the person(s) requested. This should be as good as the Mr.s HANJI SAL series.

COME ON BIG MOENY!

Interesting...

Ford, Fiat will team up to make small cars

"Fixed or Repaired Daily" joined with "Fix it Again, Tony"!

A match made in Heaven!

(A longer list of acronyms can be found here.)

Expert Pet Advice!

As you all know, I am often a fount of knowledge on various subjects, due to the fact that I am just so incredibly smart and intelligent and all. Thus, it is no surprise that Possumblog would be the place someone would come to with a question like this: petsmart. how to take care of a crawdad. Despite the fact that Possumblog was only the number 8 result, obviously the person knew that he could find the best, most rightest answer herein.

SO, then, little shaver--you got yourself a pet crawdad. That's sweet! Unlike a cat or a howler monkey, they are friendly and affectionate and can be trained to do many tricks.

But, you also have to remember that crayfish (pronounced crawdads) are very social little animals. They need to have lots and lots of their little friends around so they can be happiest. So get maybe five or six more pounds of them.

Next, crayfish enjoy the water, so you need to have a nice clean place for them to swim. Take a large stainless steel stock pot and fill it up with about two gallons of water. BUT WAIT--don't put your fun friends in just yet. You have to prepare the water properly so they will like it.

Take a few bay leaves and drop them in the water--this will remind them of the greenery found in their natural aquatic homes. Next, add a cup of salt, 3/4 cup cayenne pepper, a touch of allspice, a couple tablespoons of mustard seeds, a tablespoon each of coriander, dill, red pepper flakes, black peppercorns, and whole cloves, a couple of celery stalks, three small onions - chopped, and three heads of garlic - peeled and separated. All these things are intended to give the little crawdads things to play with in their new home--they love to frolic with bits of seeds and spices, you know.

Now then, turn the stove on and heat the water up very hot, until it bubbles and bubbles. You know, like a hot tub! Crayfish are real party animals, you know, and they enjoy warm water and bubbles just as much as anyone does. When your crawdad habitat is nice and hot and bubbly, dump in your five pounds of pretty little water bugs and WHEEEE! Look at them jump and play and wrestle! Let them stay in the hot bubbly steaming water for about five minutes, or until they are all exhausted and still from their happy fun playtime together.

Scoop out some and put them on a stack of newspapers, and then you can play ANOTHER game with them by pulling their little tails off and eating them! YUMMY!

So, there you have it--the wonderful world of crawdad pets!

(Thanks to this site for the recommendations on how to properly set up the aquarium.)

But before the rest of the weekend--

This diversion sent to me by famed NASA rocket scientist Steevil--Elephant polo stars just champion--Scotland are celebrating sporting glory after being crowned world champions of elephant polo.

One imagines the Scots merely mistook the great beasts for oversized bagpipes.

Hmmm.

I guess since Miss Sarah's kids started back to school today, she is just at a loss for things to do with her free time.

Which explains this horrifying photograph of someone who is not the LEAST BIT FAMILIAR to me!

Down in the comments, Sarah says that they grow raccoons mighty big down here in the South. I believe it safe to add they grow them mighty ugly as well.

Finally!

I am very nearly through shoveling out the stable! It wouldn't be quite so bad except that the stables are full of a hundred Percherons and someone seems to have been dosing their oats with Ex-Lax, and my shovel keeps breaking because it's actually not a shovel but rather a leftover spork from Taco Bell.

ASIDE FROM THAT, things are going swimmingly. Enough so that I thought it would be good to draw up a bucket of English out of the well. It's been a while, so it seems a fitting time for another selection from The Churchill Wit. From Page 40, we have:

I have always been very much struck by the advantage enjoyed by people who lived in an earlier period of the world than one's own.

They had the first opportunity of saying the right thing. Over and over again, it has happened to me to think of something which I thought was worth saying, only to find that it had already been exploited and very often spoiled before I had the opportunity of saying it.

House of Commons
May, 1927

Wanna hear something humorously peculiar?

I’ve mentioned before the brother of the girl who lives next door to us. Girl Neighbor gave Brother her old car (the poor Mazda 323 sedan that he has “customized� to pieces), and now that he's free to roam, no matter what time of the day or night we leave to go somewhere, we see him burning up the roads. EVERYwhere. ANYtime. You know that’s pretty much all he does, or else you wouldn’t see him so much.

Well, I’ve also mentioned before that there’s a guy who “works� here who I will see out walking when I go to lunch. Or if I have to go do some research at the library. Or get something from the county courthouse. Or if I’m driving back from a meeting. He’s always out walking, all times of the day, every day. Obviously, the odds of a chance meeting every once in a while are pretty good, but when you see someone like that ANY time you go out, you pretty much figure all he does during the day is walk around downtown, doing some serious work avoidance.

I call him Walking Guy.

Anyway, as I walking back out of the junkyard yesterday, guess who I saw coming in.

Yep.

There was Walking Guy, dirty clothes, hat on head, pushing a wheelbarrow with the same intense, expressionless, dead look on his face as when he’s out walking.

I wonder if I’ll have to start calling him Driving Man?

Brush with Near-Greatness!

I just now went downstairs to purchase a refreshing Diet Crack from the vending machine, and standing there in the elevator as I entered was a woman who looked EXACTLY like puckish, rotund, mop-topped songster and special-guest-star-go-to-guy for numerous crappy 1970s TV shows, Paul Williams!

Well, except her hair was brown, but otherwise, EXACTLY.

Obviously, I thought it best not to mention the similarity.

Do not click here.

I'M BLIND! BLIND!

Dave Helton just couldn't get the image out of his head. I mentioned I was gifted over the weekend with two packages of the same type of undergarment the erstwhile President of Iraq wears.

And so he (Dave, not Saddam) sent me this.

Trust me--I look much better.

Okay, maybe not better than Saddam, but better than Peter Griffin. Somewhat.

Galleria!

Time to go pick up my old suit that I was having cinched up a bit. I was actually supposed to go get it Wednesday, but, you know.

Anyway, to keep you occupied in my absence, I give you all the NEW STUFF from American Science & Surplus! How about a pocket volcano? Or a pocket squeegee? Or, from the Must Go pile, something that can make you drown? Or how about four slightly rusty steel bars?

It is truly a wonderland of time wastage.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

First up--

You will inherit some money from an unexpected source.

Uranus?

Next up--

When both feet are planted firmly, nothing can shake you.

Makes it awfully hard to get stuff off the top shelf, though.

And, as much as it pains me to disagree with my cultural and intellectual superiors, you CAN be shaken if your feet are firmly planted, and it would probably hurt a lot worse. Say, for instance, something like a big metal shaking machine driven by a bonobo shows up at your house, and you're standing there with your feet planted, and the bonobo makes the machine grab you by the head and then he flips a switch and the machine starts shaking, your planted feet would be still, and the whole upper part of you would be shaking, and I think that would be bad and would hurt. And since your feet are planted, you couldn't run and get a bazooka and gently disable the monkey. All you could do is shout and try to make him stop. But you know how they can be.

AND, this whole thing doesn't take into consideration the idea that if you plant your feet into something that ITSELF can be shaken, you're probably in even bigger trouble. Again, if the Giant Metal Bonobo-Operated Shaking Machine has a switch that says "Earthquake," he might flip that while he's got your head, and then all of you would be shaking and then a big crack might open up between your feet, and that would be super bad.

So, you know, maybe those Chinese people aren't so wise after all.

LUCKY NUMBERS FOR TODAY:

5 16 28 32 45. 14

and

5 16 24 39 41. 26

Today's meal: kung pao chicken with rice and egg roll, hot and sour soup, Diet Coke. By the way, is there a dish that's just like kung pao chicken, except all of the hot peppers are removed from it before they give it to you? I live in mortal fear of recreating that incident in the Spring of 1987 at the China Palace (or whichever one had the big copper-spraypainted fu dogs outside) on South College Street in Auburn, when I accidentally ingested one of these peppers and very nearly had to drink an entire gallon of water.

Speaking of Rocket Science...

Steevil, famous NASA Scientist and brother of Dr. Weevil, sends along the following highly educational material:

Subject: EUROPEAN UNION AGREEMENT

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

I wonder...

...if he also sure plays a mean pinball?

Sometimes...

...I have dreams just like this.

And most amazing of all...

...the article doesn't quote anyone asking if Alabama even HAS roads!

Highway signs in Easthampton [MA] bear the outline of Alabama

Redneck Engineering

From Dave Helton, an interesting tale of improvisational expertise.

Just as an aside, an ubobtrusive corner of rubber floor mat could have also been used. Maybe next time. ALSO, Dave mentions a sage bit of wisdom--"Nothing ever breaks down when the parts stores are open."

Words to live by, my friends.

(It also goes well with, "Everything I have is either too short, or broken.")

"Pinkie, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

Rare island birds threatened by 'super mice'

"I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?"

STS-114

Discovery ready for launch, Bama grad at controls

How many Bama grads does it take to fly a shuttle?

Only one, but everyone else sits around and talks about how much better Bear could have done it.

BADUMP-bump-tsheeh! Thank you! I'll be here all week.

In fairness, one of my favorite jokes of this nature is the one about two Auburn aerospace grads who had seats in Mission Control and were responsible for pushing the ignition buttons for a new rocket. The countdown reached the crucial moment, and with great excitement, the command came over the intercom: "LAUNCH!"

At which, both grabbed brown paper bags and thermoses from under their chairs, unwrapped some sandwiches, and began eating.

You know what we need around here?!

A CONTEST, that's what!

Or maybe a nap.

You would figure...

...that one of them would want to be Beavis.

Apparently...

...there are several Sasquatches who live in Auburn.

What this country needs is...

QUICK DISSOLVE TOILET PAPER!

What this country DOESN'T need is...

Naked Ticklers.

Well, okay, one more.

But it has to be a quick one--I was sitting here typing madly on my minutes when the copier guy came in to move the copier from outside my doorway around the corner to an alcove.

Nice young guy, slim, about twenty five or so.

AND HAS THE FULL ELVIS PRESLEY 1968 COMEBACK HAIRDO! Jet black pompadour, long wooly muttonchops. I expect him, once he has completed his task, to give us all a great big karate kick.

Thank you very much.

Apparently, everything makes you fat...

Food makers warned on high-fat snack ads.

Who knew advertising even had fat in it!? I always figured that at least the print ads would have fiber content going for them.

Shows what I know.

Three Stooges?

I report, you decide.

It seems that one of my friends from The Bad Place, who has his own firm now, and who is also one of my occasional lunch-eating buddies like My Friend Jeff^TM, is on our short list of folks to interview for our church fellowship hall addition. I’d sent him a note to let him know, and to let him know he was welcome to come look at the building sometime.

He wrote me back yesterday morning and the resultant replying and forwarding that followed devolved into the single most childish and maniacal exchange of electrons I have ever witnessed, much less been a part of.

So, how could I deny you this peek into the depths of moronitude that I have managed to cultivate!?

I’ll put it in the extended entry, because it is long, and involved, and barely readable--once it got started, replies were zipping from the three participants faster than a flaming monkey on crack. If you can follow the chain of the conversation, it’s almost comical. Or not.

Anyway, here goes:

The first note, from John. For your own information, John is married to a lovely young lady, is very tall, is a fan of Jerry Clower, grew up and went to college in Mississippi, is thriftier than a dead Scotsman, and has a peculiar proclivity that causes whatever he eats to be processed and done away with in a most expeditious manner. Much like an earthworm, thus his nickname. Also, he is sometimes called Peach Head Boy, for his large, yet fuzzily haired scalp. He can also imitate one of those yard decoration birds with the whirling wings.

“Fowlboy� in this initial message is his pet name for Our Mutual Friend and Former Co-Worker Jeff,^TM also know to you all as My Friend Jeff^TM

John: Do you think that I could get into your church this Friday around noonish? The time is flexible, but Friday is the best day, if possible. If that works, do you and Fowlboy wanna eat lunch?

Terry: Friday noonish is fine--I don’t know if Jeff would be able to meet us or not. It’s a good ways from where he works.

John: We could meet before for lunch somewhere that is convenient for you both and then I could proceed on to the church. Will you be going with me or just arranging for the building to be open?

If we eat beforehand though I will need to try out your church’s facilities. Earthworm Boy waits for no man.

Terry: You are a sick, sick man. But, yes, it would probably be fine to eat and then go to the building and inspect the plumbing. And if we do eat closer to town, he might be able to meet us. I will forward this to him and we’ll see what he says.

John: We thank you.

The message was duly forwarded, but I got no response back from Jeff, so I sent him ANOTHER e-mail with this message:

Terry: HEY! Are you in the office today or not!?

Which got this response:

Jeff: Yes.

In the intervening time, John sent me another message that was a response to his original e-mail:

John: Were you able to get in touch w/ Jeff about Friday?

SO, I had two e-mails going now, one a forward, one an original, both sent to Jeff and to John for maximum confusability. First, a reply to Jeff’s monosyllabic “Yes.�:

Terry: Well, I am, too! You wanna eat lunch with John and me on Friday?

And to John--

Terry: Yes, but he’s pleading ignorance of what we’re talking about, so this is YET ANOTHER effort to see if we can get him to have lunch with us on Friday. We’ll see what happens.

Now, Jeff answered the original forwarded message to him, asking if he would eat with us:

Jeff: Who, me?

Terry: Yes, dingleberry, YOU! As for time and place, sometime around noon, somewhere like maybe around the 280/459 interchange area--John and I will be leaving from there and going on out to Leeds to look at our church building to which we are doing a fellowship hall addition, the architect selection for which YOUR firm did not see fit to participate.

Jeff: Oh yes, we’re much too good for church work. PUH-LEEEZE!

There’s The Fox and the Hound at the Colonnade or somewhere at The Summit.

Shall I bring magazines?

Terry: Fox and Hound, eh? What sort of foods do they have? Since John’s buying lunch for everyone, maybe we should find someplace really nice. And yes, bring magazines. And toilet paper for Earthworm Boy.

Jeff: I thought Earthworm Boy was “self cleaning�.

Anyway, F & H is supposed to be like an English pub. It has a gazillion flat panel TV’s playing just about everything…all at once! I had a hamburger there, but I think they have real food too. It’s pretty nice. There’s always the Summit, you know.

What did you have in mind?

John (reply to me, concurrent with Jeff’s): I resemble that comment….and I ain’t buying squat….not until I get that plumb church job that is.

Terry, intended for Jeff: Anything’s fine with me. John seems to be balking about paying for ours, though.

Jeff to Terry: How ‘bout Ruth’s Chris? I mean since John’s paying and all…the sky’s the limit!

Terry to John: Oh, I see. Maybe McDonald’s, then.

AND THEN, John’s reply to Jeff, regarding paying:

STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT FOWLBOY!!! YOU OWE ME A FREE LUNCH, NOW PAY UP!!!!!

There, that oughta do it.

Jeff, responding to me about McDonald’s: That’s certainly more in my budget!

Jeff, responding to me about John balking about paying: Well, you know what they say about him…

Terry: That he’s Tommy Dale’s favorite son-in-law?

Terry back to Jeff’s earlier suggestion, about Ruth’s Chris: I don’t like that place--too hard to pronounce.

Jeff to Terry, about what “they� say: That’s one, yes. Too bad the new Cracker Barrel ain’t open yet. That seems like a Shovel Butt kinda place.

Jeff to me, about Ruth’s: YEAH! What does that mean anyway? How can Ruth possess something an object called Chris?

John, replying to both of us about the reply way back up at the middle about Fox and Hound and McDonald’s: You guys are killing me. You big-city types sure are a fast talking group, I’m keeping one hand on my wallet. Now where we gonna eat?

Terry to Jeff, about Cracker Barrel: Mmmm-hm. [Imaginarily said in voice of Karl Childers]

Terry to John, about his non-wallet hand: Just watch where you put that other hand, pardner. I still don’t think we’ve decided where to eat.

John to both of us about the Shovel Butt jibe: I can hear you!!!!!

Terry to Jeff, about Ruth’s: I have no idea, but it comes out like “Roofths Crith Thtake Houth.� Say..maybe we could get [name of a much-mocked former coworker who had a pronounced speech impediment] to eat with us!

Terry to both, about eating, a reply to the “I can hear you� message: Then where, oh where, shall we dine!?

Jeff to me, about former coworker: We saw him at the fireworks in downtown Homewood. Some things never change.

Terry to Jeff, about former coworker: Did he enjoy the fireworkth?

Jeff to both of us, regarding dining options: I don’t know, but I sure am glad John told us all his cool nicknames!

Terry: I always liked “Penelope.�

Jeff: Yeah, that [name of John’s wife] and her pet names!

Terry: Mmmm-hm. [Yet again in the style of Karl Childers]

Jeff to Terry, about former coworker: I s’pose. I saw him early on but didn’t say anything to him since he didn’t see me. BUT!!! When we were packing up to leave afterward, he came up to me. He said hello, I stuck my hand out to shake his hand which he awkwardly took a while to realize. I introduced him to my passel of children, he and [name of Jeff’s wife] spoke, and then we stood there in awkward silence until he slowly faded into the crowd.

John to both: I’m starting to remember why I bolted from [Name of The Bad Place]……..can’t we get Howard and Chumley in on this e-mail chain??

John to both, replying to the “where, oh where, shall we dine� comment: I say gimme some Mexican food….I need to clean the ol’ pipes.

Terry to both, re Mexican food: Mexican’s good for me--well, not GOOD good, but acceptable as a choice. Jeff?

Terry to Jeff, about former coworker: Maybe you could fix him up with one of the single girls at [name of Jeff’s church]. ::snicker::

John: On the Border at the Summit??? Anyone? Anyone?

Jeff: Okay with me, how ‘bout the tall dude? I would suggest On the Border at The Summit.

John: An excellent idea, even if I do say so myself…….that’s right, I did! It’s settled, right? Right?......Can I get a witness?

Jeff: Yes.

John, to Jeff, about fixing up the former coworker: That sounds like my prom date. Shiver.

Terry to both, I think: HOORAY! We’ve made a DECISION! On the Border at the Summit, at, shall we say, 11:30?

John: I’ll be the one in the patent leather sombrero.

Terry, to John, regarding the prom date: Probably explains the patent leather sombrero, as well.

Jeff, regarding the choice of eating location: Hey! That was MY idea!

Terry: Let’s not quibble about who should take credit for this stunning turn of events.

Jeff, regarding the time: 11:28 is better for me.

Terry, to both, regarding settlement: I think that settles it! Friday, then--and we all look forward to the patent leather sombrero show!

Jeff, to John, about the hat choice: Boys in patent leather sombreros eat alone.

Terry, to both: Are we not men!?

John, to both: Yes, we are not.

Terry, to both: Well, as long as we have no idea what we’re talking about, everything should be JUSSST fine.

Jeff, to John, about his prom date: You went to the prom with [name of former coworker]!?

Terry, to both, about former coworker, who had a peculiar habit of holding his thumbs out from his hands, which we would also mock, imagining him using them in an untoward fashion on various women he could have dated, but would not ask out: Yes, and he was all thumbs.

John, to both, re his prom date: I’m going to take a nap. You boys have worn me to a nub.

Jeff, to no one in particular: I have a blood blister on my finger.

Terry: POP IT! POP IT!

Terry, to John, about being worn to a nub: I believe that’s why Jeff has a blood blister on his finger.

Jeff, to someone: EEEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOO!

Terry: Sorry

AND FINALLY, from me, the only way to get this hooliganism to stop--

Terry: Okay--if you guys try to contact me again today, you’ll be out of luck--I have to go to the dentist.

So there.

And that, my friends, was that.

Hmm.

This might be good. Or not.

It said this means that I'm "not nerdy, but definitely not hip." I suppose that's the downside of being a marsupial.

(Thanks to Jordana for this.)

"Weird Alabama," eh?

Now THAT might be a magazine worth subscribing to! Odd mag's out--Weird Alabama magazine takes a fun look at weird, wacky state of life within our borders.

Of course, it might help a bit for online readers of the article to have a website link or SOME way of figuring out how to contact the publishers. Well, allow me--you can find out all about it right here at http://www.weirdalabama.com/. And HEY, guess what!? They've even got a blog they started back at the end of June! And photos of hot chicks holding a big ugly fish! AND a place that you can make submissions of weirdness!

Might have to send them something...

World's Nicest Man?

Only if we're talking about Nate McCord. Why do I make such a pronouncement?

Well, it has NOTHING to do with the big box that just landed on my desk which contained two of THESE, and one of THESE, and two very special bumper stickers that say, "Save the Cornatees! We'll eat the Cornaguins tonight..."

Yes, apparently Nate wasn't busy one day, and decided to set up a CafePress account for the ocean of Possumblog readers who have been clamoring for Possumlogoed merchandise. (And trust me, these things have started showing up in the darndest places!)

It was an awfully thoughtful gesture on Nate's part and I suppose if any of you want to get your own doodads and thingamabobs (but alas, no thongs), well, the store's open. (The bumper stickers aren't showing up right now due to a spelling correction that has to be made--I made mine using a Sharpie, and it looks just fine.)

Just remember that, as has always been the official Possumblog policy, I don't get any money out of this deal. I wouldn't want anyone to think I have unjustly compensated myself using computery things that aren't strictly mine. (Although, given local practice, I suppose if I stole enough money, I could just buy my way out of trouble.)

BE THAT AS IT MAY, many thanks to Nate McCord, World's Nicest Man!

Suddenly, Chet the E-Mail Boy Sprang From His Stool!

The telegraph key down in the basement just went wild a few minutes ago, as we received the following missive from someone. At least, I think it's a someone. In any event, Chet seems to think it's someone pulling my hairy shank, but I think it might be legit:

From: yuan Hung Low
To: terryoglesby@gmail.com
Date: Jun 24, 2005 3:08 PM
Subject: Potted meat no spam

heelno mrt. Ogelsby,

yu doe nut no me but intrested in doing bidness with yu am i. my name am yuan hung lo a native of napel noww living in the grit country of nigeria. i understan that yu ar an expart on opoosums. i woulds like to from a bidnes patrnership with you. i trade yu guniea hens for possums. i think possums sell velly well hair in nigeria. i trade yu one guinea hen for one possum.yu slip fledex?all needs i am are yur bankl account numbers and social secruity number to begin this transaction. money we be making soon.
sincrely

yuan hung lo

"CHET!" I said gently into his hearing aid, "TAKE A LETTER!"

I responded by drafting a clever way that I could make sure I was dealing with an honest person:

It is an interesting proposition you present there, young man. I require only one thing in order to establish our relationship--a photograph of Kathy Ireland operating a John Deere 756 Hay Tedder.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

I don't know. But I do know of at least one Vidalian who dreams of pop-ups.

Say, that sounds like a winner!

"Possum of Knowledge," eh? I like it!

This is why...

...I always stop to pick up a penny on the sidewalk.

For some reason...

...this is less thrilling for me than it probably should be: Avril Lavigne Plays Possum

By Krista Desens

HOLLYWOOD, CA Thursday Jun.23.2005 -- Avril Lavigne's playing possum.

According to Lavigne's official web site, the "Fall To Pieces" singer is playing a possum in a forthcoming animated feature from Dreamworks.

The movie is called "Over the Hedge" (based on the comic strip of the same name), and Lavigne will provide the voice for a character named Heather, who happens to be a possum. [...]

Anyway, I'd never heard of this comic strip, so I did a quick bit of Googling and found it right off. Pretty funny, although I do notice from the cast of characters that there IS NO HEATHER! Obviously, the character was added and Lavigne was cast for it in order to capture the foul-mouthed faux-grunge youth demo. Whatever. It's not like I'm bitter about being excluded or anything.

Well, I got all hungry reading about fried okra...

and then I read this.

Or course, there are probably some people who'd rather lick shoes than eat okra, but I am not amongst them.

Say, remember to vote!

Al.com's poll about the best Batman actor is up, and as I said yesterday, since I stole Matt's thunder by making it part of the Thursday Three, you have to be sure to go and vote in his poll, too. (Oops--sorry about the wrong link.)

Right now, Michael Keaton is at an astonishing 100%. This might have something to do with the fact that I was apparently the first vote this morning. And no, this does NOT mean I am bored!

Hmmm.

I see what you're saying.

Hey, you think YOU'RE having a slow day...

At least you aren't this guy.

(Thanks to the Library of Congress for that one.)

Why, yes, I believe this IS a sign of the Apocalypse.

Teddy Ruxpin Makes His Return

Goes along well with seeing Vanilla Ice on NBC last night.

::shakes head and walks away::

"You're welcome," indeed!

Ahhh, consultants.

To whom it may concern, Part II:

To the person who came to Possumblog searching for "Debra Jo Fondren," she does not live here. And I don't have any clue who she is. Really.

To whom it may concern:

To the person who came to Possumblog searching for "Terry Oglesby," I am not that Terry Oglesby. I am another one, and not the one you're looking for.

Non Sequitur of the Day!

As part of my effort to broaden the knowlege base of all mankind, and in response to a particular search result this morning that brought a practitioner of legerdemain to the humble pages of Possumblog, allow me to say this:

Bob Taylor invented the jiggle pass.

Thank you. That is all

Now, while I go to eat some lunch...

...it's STORY TIME! Hooray!

I will start it off, and each of you will then add your own (unpornographic, reasonably well-mannered, expletive-deleted) paragraph in the comments. Although the plot and flow of the story are important, they should not take precedence over more important elements, such as pith and wit.

TO BEGIN, then:

"Gordon looked down at the stick on the ground, and moved it slightly to the left with the toe of his shoe."

No, no...

...can't say as I ever noticed that.

Standard Answer #298

"Cover lightly with maple syrup."

Frankly...

I think you guys need to get out a bit more.

Feeshin'

Well-known Georgia tractorist Dave Helton sent me a very nice photo this morning of something he describes as an Alabama bass boat.

I report, you decide:

Now, maybe I'm just trying too hard to make excuses, but the guy's red ball cap does have the University of Alabama logo on it, and there are many Bama fans outside of Alabama, so this might more accurately be labeled a Crimson Tide bass boat, so as not to offend the rest of us here in the state who would have been smart enough to strap a styrofoam cooler on there.

Dumb ol' hick.

Probably not what was intended.

I was driving home last evening when I saw a woman driving a giant dual cab F-250, and it had a personalized license plate--BEVPKUP. I'm sure she meant that it was Bev's pickup truck, but the first thing I thought of was that she must work in a urology lab.

Ick.

"[...] Scientists are baffled by the size of the enormous gathering which is scaring away all other sealife from the area.

I should say so.

Sarah G. is a very bad woman.

How else to explain this. Or this.

I will say that at least my hair looks nice in both shots.

(By the way, do you know how dinosaurs became extinct? They were trying to put something together, and one of them lost the instructions, but they went ahead and tried to put it together anyway, and when they tried to use it, they got electrocuted. Buncha morons.)

Sadly, the increase will be funneled directly into Ted Kennedy--

Senate Bill Would Double Ethanol Use

Mmmmmm...

BUTTERY!

Skinnydan is a very bad man.

How else to explain this? Really brings out my inner Travis Bickle, don't you think? After seeing this, however, I now know that I made much, MUCH too much out of the tiny gap in my hair, and I should have NEVER complained!

(By the way, did you know that "mohawk" is short for "moronhawk"?)

What, is it April 1 again!?

How else to explain today's bit of "information" from Snopes.com, in which the idea of sleeping with a bar of soap cures nocturnal leg cramps. The reason for most of my ire is this paragraph:

[...] Slipping a bar of soap into the bed as a leg cramp prevention has been advanced by a number of authorities, both medical and otherwise. Ann Landers has mentioned the soap cure in her column on a number of occasions, with each airing prompting a load of letters from readers thanking her for this information because it worked wonders for them. "They were thrilled and grateful to be liberated from those leg cramps," said Ms. Landers. [...]

Anyway, back to the soap thing. A much more reliable way to relieve night-time leg cramps is to send me $100.

Workplace Zen

In addition to my Practical Feng Shui for Business reading, I also found this helpful toward my goal of finding peace and tranquility in the workplace.

Eww.

Texas family finds baby opossum in toilet

By Associated Press
Published May 26, 2005

SAN ANGELO, Texas -- Potty training just became much harder for a West Texas family. A baby opossum was found in the bathroom toilet of Robert and Amy Hamblen's mobile home early Wednesday, when the family was awakened by the sound of splashing water.

Robert Hamblen said he used a toilet brush to coax the animal from the bowl and into a box before releasing it outdoors.

He said he patched a hole in the septic system where he thinks it entered.

Of course, the discovery has hampered the Hamblens' effort to get their daughters -- ages 1 and 2 -- potty trained.

"Having a possum in the bathroom sure hasn't helped," Robert Hamblen said in Thursday's San Angelo Standard-Times.

::full body shiver:: Filthy possums.

From the Required Safety Rules

More great literary stylings from the General Safety Rules Governing Normal (Non-Emergency) Operations--

8.18. Keep drawers tidy to avoid punctures from scissors or other hazards that may be hidden under a pile of paper.

Anyway, this is just a good common-sense rule--just remember how your mom always told you to wear clean underwear.

And then, there's this:

8.19 Keep razor blades, thumbtacks, and other sharp objects in a closed drawer.

Finally, from Chapter 17 Chain Saw Safety:

17.4 Do not handle or operate a chain saw when you are fatigued, ill, or upset; or if you have taken alcohol, drugs, or medication.

You know what this world needs!?

MORE TWENTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARIES!!

Best wishes to the Schrancks!

Speaking of Larry...

(Anderson, that is), I just looked over in the in-box and found the following, and thought that you might get a chuckle out of. Or not. If not, just remember it was Larry that started it, not me.

ANYway...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Georgia, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house-cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Alabama girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day...

...most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Get well soon, Larry.

Ahhh.

You know, bears know how to have a good time.

Naked Yoda?!

So says Skillzy.

Joking he is, I hope.

I do wonder if there was ever a Yodette in his past. (Yoda's, that is, not Skillzy's.)

Well, yeah, I think that's pretty obvious.

From out in Osmondville, Nate McCord poses a question.

How DARE you!

I am shocked--SHOCKED I SAY! I just had a visitor come here with the unmitigated GALL to enter my humble blogabode searching for reba naughty pictures!

FOUL KNAVE! BOORISH LOUT! Dare you come in here looking for naughty pictures of Miss Reba?! I'll have you know I have NOTHING of the sort here, aside from those several shots of her on various occasions when she stuck her tongue out at me, and that one where she's deliberately walking on the grass even though the sign says not to, and, of course, the candid one I took of her at the grocery store when she had 12 items in the '8 Items or Less' lane.

From the “Required Safety Rules� Employee Manual

Section 8.0 Office Safety

Many employees mistakenly believe that offices are not dangerous and that they do not need to worry about injuries while working there. However, offices can pose a number of hazards. Among them are dangers from falls, floor surfaces, stairs, chairs, filing cabinets, office machinery, and sharp objects. The following are some rules to remember when working in the office

[…] 8.12 When sitting down in a chair always look at the chair, grasp the chair arms or seat with your hands and then lower yourself into the chair. Report any defects of a chair immediately to your supervisor. […]

Stay safe, fellow civil servants.

"...so it's root, root, root for the home blog..."

On the evening last, as I sat hunched over my keyboard looking for pictures of Raquel Welch that would be appropriate in a middle school class project, I noted that I had received an electronic mail message. Since it was well past quitting time and Chet the E-Mail Boy had long since gone to his place of slumber at the Slag Ditch Elder Villas Phase I, I almost thought about waiting until this morning before retrieving it. I do so like it when Chet handles all of that sort of thing, and it does give him something to do other than bother me with tales of that totsy in Belgium in 1918.

SO, throwing caution to the wind, I clicked on the missive to see that it had come from someone named William Carroll, who said simply--

One of these days, if you need a baseball writer who grew up in Alabama, I hope the Weevils will axis me.

BUT, knowing how hard it is to dissuade persons from something once they have their minds made up, I wrote Mr. Carroll back and sent along the bundle of information for admission to the Alabama Disc Harrow Fanciers Society.

IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I came into the luxuriously appointed halls of the Axis of Weevil World Headquarters building this morning and saw that his reply was waiting on me! Not only that, someone left the screen door standing open last night, and there is a rat snake in the building somewhere. If you left the door open, this is your fault and I expect you to find the snake and get it out of here. Also, whoever is storing the set of old tires in the coat closet needs to get them out.

ANYWAY, on to William's qualifications for entry--

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama

Jeez, I might not admit Hueytown, but I'll certainly credit Alabama.

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

See above. That's up.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

If I can talk to Paul Finebaum for ten minutes without raising my voice, I can pretend anything.

4) Functionally literate

Houston, we have a problem.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD

I can't hunt and peck in ALL CAPS.

6) Update your blog more than once a month

That I do. Whether it's a worthwhile update is a whole other story.

7) Willing to be made fun of

Didn't I mention Hueytown?

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

But of course.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

Engraved into my P-35.

I'm very upstanding that way, you know.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

Both of them.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

Now, I'm not so sure about Andy Griffith. I keep thinking of the one where Don Knotts does something dumb and Aunt Bea makes a pie. I did interview Gomer Pyle last year at the Indy 500. He wouldn't say "surprise surprise surprise" and seemed a bit annoyed at the question.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

Ma! Get the truck off them blocks before the Weevils check!

ANYWAY, after carefully reviewing the foregoing application, and consulting with Screaming Guy in the Park, I can see NO REASON why Mr. William Carroll, columnist for the fine publication Baseball Prospectus,and co-writer of The Juice Blog, AND author of The Juice: The Real Story of Baseball's Drug Problems, as well as Saving the Pitcher, should be denied ANY LONGER the misery and heartache that can only come from being a member of the Cotton States Quilting and Field Artillery Guild, know to many as the Axis of Weevil!

SO THEN, by the power vested in my by Cindy, who runs the batting cages at Funtown, and who has incredible upper body development due to years of fast pitch softball, which is somewhat similar to baseball, except it has girls in shorts and sleeveless tops, which is better, at least to my way of thinking, even if they do get sort of grimy and sweaty, which is really rather alluring in its own way, I suppose...oh, sorry. Rambling, aren't I? SO, I HEREBY PROCLAIM Will Carroll to be a full and complete member of the Axis of Weevil, with all of the duties and responsibilities falling thereto.

All of you are encouraged to go visit Will and say hello.

AS YOU ALL KNOW, every new member receives his very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Basket, containing containing a rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for his pickup, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Jimmy from next door, who has a condition, is so excited by the presence of a real baseball writer within the building that he has been inspired to create an entirely new genre of baseball-themed artwork. As you all remember, Jimmy uses arts and crafts as therapy for his condition, which he says has taken a turn for the worse lately, although I think this might have to do with the copy of Baseball Hotties that his aunt caught him with in the garage last month. In any event, Jimmy has decided to paint a life-size portrait of Will, entirely in tobacco juice!

Since Jimmy's aunt does not allow tobacco products to be used in her house, Jimmy would like to ask everyone to please save your spit cups for him.

SO, welcome to William, and make yourself at home!

(By the way, everyone wants to know if you will coach the company softball team, and if you can get us some jerseys other than the ones we have that were donated by the VFW. They all smell like Old Spice and phlegm. The jerseys, that is. Well, okay, the guys from the VFW post, too.)

Suicide Possum!

How is it that Miss Janis has missed commenting on this story from her favorite columnist, Smiley Anders?!

As if we drivers didn't have enough to worry about just watching the roads around here, now we have to watch the sky too.

Amy Carmouche says it was "the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me."

She was driving down Highland Road one afternoon to pick up her son at school. Her 3-year-old daughter was in the back seat singing "Pop Goes the Weasel."

She says, "All of a sudden, the sunroof of my car explodes with a loud crash … shards of glass start to fall into my car. I'm able to keep my car on the road, but there's no place to pull over on Highland."

At her son's school she gets out to find "a gaping hole in my sunroof the size of a watermelon!"

Back home, she and her husband decide to go back to the scene and find what caused the damage, assuming it was a tree limb:

"There was no branch, rock, stick or brick to be found -- only a dead possum! It had fallen out of a tree and crashed into my sunroof. [...]

I, however, am still alive and well, not having decided to plunge headlong into any sunroofs. Yet. There is, after all, the matter of making sure the NINE HUNDRED DOLLAR and SIXTY-SIX CENT BILL TO THE WAL-MART VISION CENTER GETS PAID! Everyone got an exam. Jonathan required glasses for the first time ever. Rebecca required a stronger prescription and new glasses. Ashley required a stronger prescription, and contacts, and glasses. Reba required contacts. Only Catherine and I escaped not needing anything done, other than paying for the exam.

Hmm. "Pop Goes the Weasel," eh?

Horror Ripped From the Headlines!!

From the Bladen (N.C.) Journal

'Armored possum' discovered at White Lake

EEK! The story:

By JEFFERSON WEAVER Staff Writer
Possums, take note: there may be a new kind of dumb animal in town--armadillos.

Lee Reason was on his way home Friday night when he found an armadillo near the intersection of N.C. 53 East and U.S. 701. The animal had apparently been run over by a motorist.

"I saw it laying there, and I thought, that's not a possum," Reason said. "I had to stop and see what it was." [...]

[...] While armadillos are sometimes called 'armored possums,' the hard-shelled mammal is more finicky about its food than the common opossum. They eat insects, some fruits, and the tender branches of cedar trees. Unlike possums, armadillos only occasionally eat garbage or roadkill. [...]

Stupid armadillos.

Getting all the good publicity.

Hmph.

ONward--

[...] While armadillos are occasionally seen in lower South Carolina, the unfortunate beast found at the lake was the first found in the area.

White Lake Police Chief Bruce Smith said he doesn't think local residents have to worry about an invasion of the hard-shelled mammals.

"I think they're harmless," he said, "but it sure is ugly."

Smith said the animal was possibly a lost pet, or more likely, hitched a ride on a load of palm trees headed for the new White Lake Water Park.

Smith said he personally had no problem with the critters moving in, if one part of their reputation was true--armadillos reportedly love to eat fire ants, and can clean out an entire mound.

"In my opinion, if they'll eat fire ants," he said, "they're welcome around here.

Stupid armadillos.

OKAY--you better enter if you want to have a chance of winning!

The NAME THAT JUVENILE PEREGRINE FALCON BAND CAPTION CONTEST! will be ending in just a few short minutes--the official ending time of the contest will be 2:51 pm Central time, so if you haven't entered, you better get to it!

AND NOW, THE WINNERS!!

And the winner is…

In order to keep anyone from getting mad at me (despite the fact that it IS all about me), I have given over the chore of picking the winner to Jimmy, from next door (who sends his thanks to all who have enquired about his “condition�).

Secondly, all who participated, even the losers--although loser is such a harsh term--will receive a lovely card attesting to your willingness to participate in obscure contests, and granting you full membership in the Possumblog Caption Writers Guild.

NOW THEN, the envelope, please Jimmy--

1st Place--Receiving a set of fifteen keys that fit various locks,

Screamin' Willie and the Hot Chix bust out their cover version of "Low Rider"

Skinnydan

2nd Place--Receiving a near-mint condition March 1991 issue of Birmingham Magazine,

Peregrine Day (it's the closest I can come to matching the toughness of the trio)

Kenn

And in 3rd Place, winning a copy of Elmer Fellrole’s searing classic, Non-Directional Transfer Mechanisms and Their Applications in Distributed Conglomerated Fields,

How about that nice trio from Long Island: The Birdie Boys

Sarah G.

Honorable Mention for Sheer Inscrutability goes to--

Pacific Gas specializes in California soul and funk.

Janis

Miss Janis will be receiving a cold compress and a glass of sweet tea to calm her nerves.

Honorable Mention for Being so Sweetly Winsome goes to--

Winklin, Blinklin, and Nod

Glory Girl will receive a nice warm fuzzy blanket and a hug.

And the Free Mercedes-Benz Silver Star of Accomplishment goes to Mr. Larry Anderson, who gives us:

They have to be the "New Byrds". In fact, the one in front looks a lot like Chris Hillman or maybe Roger McGuin.

We thank all of our contestants for playing along, and we ask that you please remember that Jimmy’s condition requires that no one shout at him, or make any sudden moves.

Say, Kids! What about a CONTEST!

Miss Janis has been spending some time watching the Peregrine Cam, and apparently this little grouping got her to thinking of...well, something.

Click for a bigger picture.

Janis thinks (given the banding activities going on when the picture was made) that the little buggers look like a musical band, and so we bring you the NAME THAT JUVENILE PEREGRINE FALCON BAND CAPTION CONTEST!

Yay.

The winner(s) will be announced tomorrow afternoon sometime. Prizes will consist of a variety of imaginary things that I carry with me in my pockets, such as this Knoxville World's Fair comb, this lobster, a collection of glass eyeballs, and a plug of Old Bloodhound chewing tobacco. All decisions by the judges will be final, unless protests are accompanied by hefty monetary bribes, or offers to cut my grass.

So, on your marks, get set, CAPTIONATE!

For some reason, when I see the wee baby birds, I am reminded of this rather bizarre image from a Beatles coloring book--

Time travellin' JWs!

Court orders Jehovah's Witness who doesn't want transfusions back to B.C.

Seems a bit extreme--I mean, blood transfusions weren't common until the early 20th Century, and if you send 'em back in time before 1878, they wouldn't even be Jehovah's Witnesses anymore. No matter, because all this time travel stuff is dangerous.

Hmm? What? "British Columbia"?

Oh.

Never mind.

"Unjust winds of criticism..."

Miss Janis, fingers fluttering across keyboard like so many Eclectus parrots, bids her readers to join with her in creating new verse for the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest!

"Do your worst," she said, her hands clutching the faultily repaired balcony railings, as he bent her backwards, his long blonde mane gently grazing her neck like the soft touch of the sea oats, or of sand fleas. "I am the condo board president, and you can impose no more on me than I have already had to bear under these unjust winds of criticisUMMMMMMMMM!"

Fortune Cookie Wisdom of the Day!

Mmmmm. Kung pao chicken, hot and sweaty soup, and FORTUNE COOKIES!

First up--

Your emotional nature is strong and sensitive.

You know, that is just so true.

And next, the REAL kicker!--

You are contemplating some action which will bring credit upon you.

It's an omen! My only hope is that it does mean "credit," and not "creditors."

Today's daily numbers: 6 4 1 and 8 4 7

Your Lotto Six #s are: 38 22 44 9 20 41 and 41 38 9 25 8 17

Adventures in Headline Writing!

Review: Computerized shoe adjusts on fly

Call me crazy, but I think it would be kinda uncomfortable to wear a shoe on your fly.

Then again, if the shoe fits...

It is wrong to laugh at people.

But I just noticed another jewel in the referrer log--oil pan on an eagle magdalen

Uhmmm, I think you might be thinking of the Medallion, a wonderfully craptacular vehicle combining the talents of the American Motors Corporation, its successor the Pre-Daimlerized Chrysler Corporation, and the wacky Gauls of Renault.

Come to think of it, Magdalen might have been a better name...

From the Department of Redundancy Department

Sharp-eyed Steevil checks in with a two-fer today, this time pointing us to the latest write-up on MSN Autos of the Mercedes-Benz M-Klasse, where freelance auto writer Ann Job informs us:

[...] Traction and Safety Items
The new M-Class is lighter than its earlier-generation model. The primary reason is the new unibody construction, which is less heavy than the predecessor's body-on-frame. [...]

It should be noted that the new Merc is also 1 inch lower than the outgoing model, which was accomplished through the addition of less tallness, and faster than the previous model by being less slow.

Thank you, Steevil!

Annnd, speaking of getting fired...

The PowerPoint presentation that Grandpa Nate McCord sent me yesterday that I managed to not be able to find a hole for has been sent to our Nucular Submarine Expert Skillzy, who found a nice home for it. Go! Enjoy!

Personal favorites? 5, 11, 16, 19, and 22.

Speaking of lawyers and air freshener...

From Possumblog Scientifical Correspondent and Famous NASA Scientist Steevil, an entry for the "Jobs I'd Rather Not Have" File, via the Balmer Sun (reg. req'd. to read the whole thing):

Old food, not rodents, is possible odor source

Bad smell permeates parts of city courthouse

By Julie Bykowicz
Sun Staff

Originally published April 22, 2005

Turns out that ages-old, greasy potato chip stains and soda spills - not decaying rats - may be the source of a bad smell wafting through Clarence M. Mitchell Jr. Courthouse in downtown Baltimore, public works officials say.

Blaine Lipski, the city's chief of building maintenance, spent hours inhaling deeply inside the building yesterday and reached this conclusion: Dead rodents have much more of a gag-inducing stink than whatever is lurking there. [...]

Lipski characterized the odor emanating from Courtroom 203 and the grand jury section and wafting down adjoining hallways as a musty or "bad perfume" smell.

"It doesn't cause a gag reflex the way dead rats do," he said.

Department of Public Works officials surmised that the dingy old carpet near the grand jury vending machines could be to blame. Kurt L. Kocher, the department spokesman, said spillage from drinks and crumbs from snacks can evolve into a stench if left uncleaned for a long time.

And there's one other theory...

- the joke of the day circulating among courthouse employees: "Perhaps it's the lawyers that we smell."

::snort::

"Governmentium"!

If you ever get to thinking you're having a bad day...

Nate "Scooter" McCord sent me this a PowerPoint photoessay entitled "Why I Got Fired," which was big and took up so much bandwidth that Yahoo! went home for the day. Trust me--it was pretty derned funny.

Oh, and this incident that happened this morning probably would rate inclusion as well if anyone got any pictures of it.

Poor chickens...

When the going gets tough...

...the tough get monkeys. Police in Ariz. Seek Monkey for SWAT Team

Wow, this seems like an extraordinarily bad idea.

Unless they can be trained to fling poop at the bad guys. Or keep them entertained with monkeyshines. But a capuchin monkey with a belt full of flash-bangs and an MP-5 is probably not a good thing.

"Comedy of Errors," Indeed.

As you all know, I enjoy linking to stories about my alma mater. But, every once in a while, something comes along the telegraph that simply makes me shake my head.

From the "Stories That Defy All Attempts at Parody" file--At AU Theatre, Shakespeare Plus Star Trek Equals a Unique 'Comedy of Errors'

::shaking head::

(And no, as far as I know Cay Wooshley has no part in this production.)

It just must be the day for it or something.

Tata Consultancy profit dips on weak dollar

Well, it helps if you fold them in half lengthwise. Or so I've heard.

Here's Your Sign

I went to go pick up the kids yesterday evening, and as I pulled onto the main street of the upscale subdivision where Reba's mom and dad live, I noticed the little information sign. It's very discrete and pretty, with a stacked stone base and frame, and a nice illuminated board under glass with changeable letters where the neighborhood announces meetings and such.

Yesterday's note of interest? First line--

They say brevity is the soul of wit, but sometimes a little too much brev can get in the way.

(Maybe next time a couple of punctuation marks would help, or maybe it might be a good thing to go ahead and take the time to spell out "home owner." Then again, maybe I just don't know all there is to know about Tutwiler Farms...)

John Cheese!?

Well, I suppose if Mencken said it...

Yes, yes. I know.

I said I was through for the day, but I just got the Dilbert Newsletter in my e-mail box and was startled to see this note from Scott Adams buried in the middle someplace:

[...] WHO'S DRAWING DILBERT LATELY?

Alert readers have noticed that Dilbert looks different lately, almost as if someone else is drawing it. Well, it's still me, but here's what's happening: I lost the use of my right hand for drawing, thanks to overuse. Technically, it's called a focal dystonia. It's essentially a brain-mapping problem caused by overusing the hand. The hand is structurally healthy and perfectly fine for every possible use EXCEPT drawing. It's very specific. My brain essentially removed from me the ability to do the thing that was hurting it.

One way I can confirm that it's a brain issue is that when I try to draw with my LEFT hand, my RIGHT hand spasms immediately. Some part of my brain doesn't want me drawing because that's what caused all the discomfort.

For a few weeks I worked left-handed. I'm not quite ambidextrous, but if I work slowly, it looks about the same. Some of the lefty ones have a "L.H." on them to tip you off.

Left-hand drawing was too slow, so I looked for, and found, a technical solution. Wacom has a product that allows you to draw directly onto a special flat computer screen that tilts and turns just like paper on a drawing board. It's called the Cintiq 21UX, and I've been using it for the past several weeks, with much success. It will take a while for my characters to look the same as old, but I'm closing in on it.

The reason I can draw on the computer, but not on paper, is because now I work at a different scale (larger), and the feel of the stylus on the screen is so different from pen-on-paper that my brain doesn't think I'm drawing, so it doesn't trigger the hand spasms.

Brains are funny. [...]

Best wishes to Mr. Adams, and kudos for the clever work-around.

The Railsplitter!

Museum Brings Lincoln to Life

Sounds like quite the spectacle, and incredibly informative about little-known aspects of Honest Abe's life. Believe it or not, until I saw this photo, I did not realize The Great Emancipator also had worked as an Abercrombie and Fitch model.

History is truly amazing.

Indeed.

"There is a fine line between marketing and hating."

From the "Adventures in Headline Writing" File!

Restless Leg Syndrome Runs in Families, Study Says

Heh--those Reuters guys just crack me up!

Is it just me...

Or does NASCAR driver Kurt Busch--

...look just like that kid from Malcolm in the Middle?

Why, yes--it IS a big deal!

From close by to where I grew up--

Graysville to become Mayberry for a day

LIZ ELLABY
News staff writer


Graysville will become Mayberry, N.C., for a day on July 30.

The city will sponsor this year's Mayberry Squad Car Nationals, an Andy Griffith Show-inspired event previously held in Brent.

Graysville took up the sponsorship after Brent decided to drop the event this year.

On July 30, owners of 1960-1967 Ford Customs and Galaxies, disguised as typical police cruisers of the era, will converge on the city to run races and obstacle courses depicting some of the show's episodes.

The Alabama-bred event was conceived by Ken Junkin of Gordo, owner of a 1964 Ford Custom and member of the Andy Griffith Show Rerun Watchers Club.

Junkin put together the competition with club friends who also own vintage Fords.

The first nationals were four years ago in Fayette, before Brent stepped in, he said.

Junkin himself plays a sober version of the show's town drunk character, Otis Campbell. And if an event is far enough from home, he will perform a skit as Big Maud, the female escaped bank robber from the episode "Convicts at Large."

But the highlight remains the timed course, set with the same obstacles that drove the plots of memorable episodes.

After leaving the starting line, competitors will have to stop and hang up a stop sign on a nail, stop again to break up a still, and again to take clothes down from a clothes line, like Barney had to do but didn't think he should have to do as deputy.

"They stop again to pick up a hair ribbon, like Goober's girlfriend lost while riding in the squad car on a triple date, and finally," Junkin said, "arrest Ernest T. Bass before crossing the finish line."

Junkin met Graysville Mayor Doug Brewer at the Mayberry Days annual festival held in Mt. Airy, N.C.

Brewer said he overheard Junkin lamenting the loss of the Brent sponsor, and asked him to come to Graysville.

Brewer did not comment on any similarities that may exist between Mayberry and Graysville. The festival just promises to be a fun, positive event, he said.

And yes, I do have tons of stuff I could blackmail the good mayor with, so I expect an invite to keep me quiet.

Or I might just tell all I know about the portable sign outside of the Hickory House...

Fun With Referrer Logs!

One of the bad things that having something to record visits is that sometimes you get hits based upon something stupid you misspelled. It's always annoying to me, because I like for stuff to be spelled more or less right. So, occasionally, I do get stuff like this: make youself incontinent.

Possumblog was grabbed for this odd request because in a long ago post, I misspelled "yourself," and left out the R. The nice thing is that when stuff like this comes up, I can at least go back and fix the typo. Which I did.

BUT, as for the query at hand. I must say I find this a disturbing thing to want to do. Who would want to be incontinent? Remember, as a very wise man once said, "no man is an island."

So, always try to be a continent.

Hmm?

What?

Oh. OH!

Well, then, that's even more disturbing.

Err, thanks.

Via fellow redneckophile Dave Helton, we give you--

The Redneck Hot Tub.

Up early this morning as usual,

... and turned on the television thinking I would be tuning in to the Wendy Garner Show on our local NBC station, and was somewhat surprised to see the ending portion of John Paul II’s funeral. I knew is was supposed to be on in the wee earlies, but I didn’t realize it would still be going on at 5:00 a.m.

I don’t remember any other papal funerals, even for the relatively recent ones of John Paul I or Paul VI. Since it was early, and since I usually sprawl across the bed and drift in and out until it’s time to get up and get ready, I probably missed a few of the nuances of the ceremony. But still, I was struck by both the solemn dignity of the ritual, as well as the spontaneous joy, for lack of a better word, by the assembled throngs.

Watching the NBC coverage, though, one thought did keep running through my mind--the single biggest reason why I am glad I could never be the pope…

Because when I die, I don’t have to worry about Katie Couric or Brian Williams showing up at my funeral.

Insufferable twits.

Hard to believe...

...but tomorrow will be the 52nd week of the Thursday Three. You know what that means?

Well, neither do I.

I wonder.

Now that I'm more or less a Munuvian, I wonder if I should start looking for a munuvan to drive?

Small Brain? Lack of Ambition?

Say, around here, that's not a lizard, it's a possum!