July 14, 2005

Three Stooges?

I report, you decide.

It seems that one of my friends from The Bad Place, who has his own firm now, and who is also one of my occasional lunch-eating buddies like My Friend JeffTM, is on our short list of folks to interview for our church fellowship hall addition. I’d sent him a note to let him know, and to let him know he was welcome to come look at the building sometime.

He wrote me back yesterday morning and the resultant replying and forwarding that followed devolved into the single most childish and maniacal exchange of electrons I have ever witnessed, much less been a part of.

So, how could I deny you this peek into the depths of moronitude that I have managed to cultivate!?

I’ll put it in the extended entry, because it is long, and involved, and barely readable--once it got started, replies were zipping from the three participants faster than a flaming monkey on crack. If you can follow the chain of the conversation, it’s almost comical. Or not.

Anyway, here goes:

The first note, from John. For your own information, John is married to a lovely young lady, is very tall, is a fan of Jerry Clower, grew up and went to college in Mississippi, is thriftier than a dead Scotsman, and has a peculiar proclivity that causes whatever he eats to be processed and done away with in a most expeditious manner. Much like an earthworm, thus his nickname. Also, he is sometimes called Peach Head Boy, for his large, yet fuzzily haired scalp. He can also imitate one of those yard decoration birds with the whirling wings.

“Fowlboy” in this initial message is his pet name for Our Mutual Friend and Former Co-Worker Jeff,TM also know to you all as My Friend JeffTM

John: Do you think that I could get into your church this Friday around noonish? The time is flexible, but Friday is the best day, if possible. If that works, do you and Fowlboy wanna eat lunch?

Terry: Friday noonish is fine--I don’t know if Jeff would be able to meet us or not. It’s a good ways from where he works.

John: We could meet before for lunch somewhere that is convenient for you both and then I could proceed on to the church. Will you be going with me or just arranging for the building to be open?

If we eat beforehand though I will need to try out your church’s facilities. Earthworm Boy waits for no man.

Terry: You are a sick, sick man. But, yes, it would probably be fine to eat and then go to the building and inspect the plumbing. And if we do eat closer to town, he might be able to meet us. I will forward this to him and we’ll see what he says.

John: We thank you.

The message was duly forwarded, but I got no response back from Jeff, so I sent him ANOTHER e-mail with this message:

Terry: HEY! Are you in the office today or not!?

Which got this response:

Jeff: Yes.

In the intervening time, John sent me another message that was a response to his original e-mail:

John: Were you able to get in touch w/ Jeff about Friday?

SO, I had two e-mails going now, one a forward, one an original, both sent to Jeff and to John for maximum confusability. First, a reply to Jeff’s monosyllabic “Yes.”:

Terry: Well, I am, too! You wanna eat lunch with John and me on Friday?

And to John--

Terry: Yes, but he’s pleading ignorance of what we’re talking about, so this is YET ANOTHER effort to see if we can get him to have lunch with us on Friday. We’ll see what happens.

Now, Jeff answered the original forwarded message to him, asking if he would eat with us:

Jeff: Who, me?

Terry: Yes, dingleberry, YOU! As for time and place, sometime around noon, somewhere like maybe around the 280/459 interchange area--John and I will be leaving from there and going on out to Leeds to look at our church building to which we are doing a fellowship hall addition, the architect selection for which YOUR firm did not see fit to participate.

Jeff: Oh yes, we’re much too good for church work. PUH-LEEEZE!

There’s The Fox and the Hound at the Colonnade or somewhere at The Summit.

Shall I bring magazines?

Terry: Fox and Hound, eh? What sort of foods do they have? Since John’s buying lunch for everyone, maybe we should find someplace really nice. And yes, bring magazines. And toilet paper for Earthworm Boy.

Jeff: I thought Earthworm Boy was “self cleaning”.

Anyway, F & H is supposed to be like an English pub. It has a gazillion flat panel TV’s playing just about everything…all at once! I had a hamburger there, but I think they have real food too. It’s pretty nice. There’s always the Summit, you know.

What did you have in mind?

John (reply to me, concurrent with Jeff’s): I resemble that comment….and I ain’t buying squat….not until I get that plumb church job that is.

Terry, intended for Jeff: Anything’s fine with me. John seems to be balking about paying for ours, though.

Jeff to Terry: How ‘bout Ruth’s Chris? I mean since John’s paying and all…the sky’s the limit!

Terry to John: Oh, I see. Maybe McDonald’s, then.

AND THEN, John’s reply to Jeff, regarding paying:


There, that oughta do it.

Jeff, responding to me about McDonald’s: That’s certainly more in my budget!

Jeff, responding to me about John balking about paying: Well, you know what they say about him…

Terry: That he’s Tommy Dale’s favorite son-in-law?

Terry back to Jeff’s earlier suggestion, about Ruth’s Chris: I don’t like that place--too hard to pronounce.

Jeff to Terry, about what “they” say: That’s one, yes. Too bad the new Cracker Barrel ain’t open yet. That seems like a Shovel Butt kinda place.

Jeff to me, about Ruth’s: YEAH! What does that mean anyway? How can Ruth possess something an object called Chris?

John, replying to both of us about the reply way back up at the middle about Fox and Hound and McDonald’s: You guys are killing me. You big-city types sure are a fast talking group, I’m keeping one hand on my wallet. Now where we gonna eat?

Terry to Jeff, about Cracker Barrel: Mmmm-hm. [Imaginarily said in voice of Karl Childers]

Terry to John, about his non-wallet hand: Just watch where you put that other hand, pardner. I still don’t think we’ve decided where to eat.

John to both of us about the Shovel Butt jibe: I can hear you!!!!!

Terry to Jeff, about Ruth’s: I have no idea, but it comes out like “Roofths Crith Thtake Houth.” Say..maybe we could get [name of a much-mocked former coworker who had a pronounced speech impediment] to eat with us!

Terry to both, about eating, a reply to the “I can hear you” message: Then where, oh where, shall we dine!?

Jeff to me, about former coworker: We saw him at the fireworks in downtown Homewood. Some things never change.

Terry to Jeff, about former coworker: Did he enjoy the fireworkth?

Jeff to both of us, regarding dining options: I don’t know, but I sure am glad John told us all his cool nicknames!

Terry: I always liked “Penelope.”

Jeff: Yeah, that [name of John’s wife] and her pet names!

Terry: Mmmm-hm. [Yet again in the style of Karl Childers]

Jeff to Terry, about former coworker: I s’pose. I saw him early on but didn’t say anything to him since he didn’t see me. BUT!!! When we were packing up to leave afterward, he came up to me. He said hello, I stuck my hand out to shake his hand which he awkwardly took a while to realize. I introduced him to my passel of children, he and [name of Jeff’s wife] spoke, and then we stood there in awkward silence until he slowly faded into the crowd.

John to both: I’m starting to remember why I bolted from [Name of The Bad Place]……..can’t we get Howard and Chumley in on this e-mail chain??

John to both, replying to the “where, oh where, shall we dine” comment: I say gimme some Mexican food….I need to clean the ol’ pipes.

Terry to both, re Mexican food: Mexican’s good for me--well, not GOOD good, but acceptable as a choice. Jeff?

Terry to Jeff, about former coworker: Maybe you could fix him up with one of the single girls at [name of Jeff’s church]. ::snicker::

John: On the Border at the Summit??? Anyone? Anyone?

Jeff: Okay with me, how ‘bout the tall dude? I would suggest On the Border at The Summit.

John: An excellent idea, even if I do say so myself…….that’s right, I did! It’s settled, right? Right?......Can I get a witness?

Jeff: Yes.

John, to Jeff, about fixing up the former coworker: That sounds like my prom date. Shiver.

Terry to both, I think: HOORAY! We’ve made a DECISION! On the Border at the Summit, at, shall we say, 11:30?

John: I’ll be the one in the patent leather sombrero.

Terry, to John, regarding the prom date: Probably explains the patent leather sombrero, as well.

Jeff, regarding the choice of eating location: Hey! That was MY idea!

Terry: Let’s not quibble about who should take credit for this stunning turn of events.

Jeff, regarding the time: 11:28 is better for me.

Terry, to both, regarding settlement: I think that settles it! Friday, then--and we all look forward to the patent leather sombrero show!

Jeff, to John, about the hat choice: Boys in patent leather sombreros eat alone.

Terry, to both: Are we not men!?

John, to both: Yes, we are not.

Terry, to both: Well, as long as we have no idea what we’re talking about, everything should be JUSSST fine.

Jeff, to John, about his prom date: You went to the prom with [name of former coworker]!?

Terry, to both, about former coworker, who had a peculiar habit of holding his thumbs out from his hands, which we would also mock, imagining him using them in an untoward fashion on various women he could have dated, but would not ask out: Yes, and he was all thumbs.

John, to both, re his prom date: I’m going to take a nap. You boys have worn me to a nub.

Jeff, to no one in particular: I have a blood blister on my finger.

Terry: POP IT! POP IT!

Terry, to John, about being worn to a nub: I believe that’s why Jeff has a blood blister on his finger.


Terry: Sorry

AND FINALLY, from me, the only way to get this hooliganism to stop--

Terry: Okay--if you guys try to contact me again today, you’ll be out of luck--I have to go to the dentist.

So there.

And that, my friends, was that.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at July 14, 2005 01:11 PM

You scare me

Posted by: DaveH at July 14, 2005 04:04 PM

Me too!

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at July 14, 2005 04:09 PM

Nah. A bit too manic for the Three Stooges.

Posted by: Pammy at July 14, 2005 04:23 PM

I was a victim of soicumstance.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at July 14, 2005 04:30 PM

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

And personally, it was one of the most entertaining things I'd read all day.

Posted by: skinnydan at July 15, 2005 10:46 AM

Hmm--must be a slow day in New York!

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at July 15, 2005 03:50 PM