Possumblog

Pencil Sharpening Seminar

Miss Janis expressed her desire for us to get on with the pencil sharpening seminar I promised yesterday afternoon.

And so we shall.

Often, people in this hurly-burly, harem-scarem, electronic world in which we live think that the humble pencil has outlived its usefulness. It has not. But as with all useful things, it does require some setup and occasional maintenance to perform properly.

And in an odd way, it's comforting that not only has the computer not supplanted the pencil, it has instead become one of the best tools and resources to ensure proper pencil care!

Indeed, the "Internet" is a treasure trove of valuable information, and makes teaching this seminar so much easier. One need only look at this list of incredible "websites" that offer skills and tips for everyone from novice to expert to see what exciting times we have come to live in.

From eHow, How to Sharpen a Pencil.

From wikiHow, How to Sharpen a Pencil

And from a girl named Karen, How to Sharpen a Pencil.

"BUT!" you are apt to gasp, "aren't these sites all done by mere amateurs? Where is the professional instruction we so crave!?"

Do not be alarmed--as with every other question, it can easily be answered by using a computer. The Derwent Cumberland Pencil Company of Keswick, Cumbria, England (a deeply respected professional firm recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the maker of the World's Longest Pencil) has a highly informative section detailing in great detail the details necessary to apply a professional, executive-grade point to a wide variety of pencils. (An alternative .pdf formatted version of the information may be found here.)

Derwent also has a fascinating history of the pencil that is NOT to be missed, covering, as it does, the fascinating history of the pencil.

For those who do not wish to partake of the above information, we will now begin our live demonstration period of the seminar.

1. Get a pencil.

2. Clear all other thoughts from your mind, with the possible exception of someone you detest.

3. Imagine the pencil is the person you detest.

4. Break the pencil into small bits.

5. Get another pencil.

6. Place pencil in a suitable sharpening device such as a pencil sharpener.

7. Cry softly from the pain of the hurtfulness of the person you detest.

8. Begin twisting his body in the sharpener as his head is slowly and methodically peeled to reveal his black, black core.

9. Break pencil into small pieces, and empty shavings from pencil sharpening device.

10. Get another pencil.

11. Forget person you detest, as holding such feelings is obviously counterproductive and not conducive to good mental health.

12. Place pencil into sharpening device, and instead, think of someone you are quite fond of.

13. Become fascinated by the visual representation of a cylindrical object being placed into a compatible circular receptacle while thinking of the person of whom you are quite fond, and suddenly find that you've become slightly too fascinated by the inherent implications of your task at hand.

14. Squelch this fascination at once by vigorously operating the pencil sharpening device as quickly as possible while repeatedly thinking, "ouch! ouch! ouch!"

15. Continue sharpening until the point is sufficiently sharp enough to use.

16. Blow remaining shavings from tip of pencil and apply to paper.

17. Break pencil lead. Repeat Steps 14 through 16.

We hope this has been helpful for you today. Each of you will receive a certificate indicating your participation in the seminar, although we ask your patience as the printer is out of ink.

Thank you again.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at January 19, 2007 12:27 PM