You know, King David?
Because even though by global standards today it's a relative balmy 25 honest to goodness, real live Fahrenheit degrees, I simply cannot stand it. And it's not like I don't have plenty of rich blubber to keep me warm--I do, but it doesn't seem to be doing the job. I don't like being all hot and sticky in the summertime, but I've never been one of those chubs who long for winter so I can walk around and not sweat. I like it cooler, but anything below 50 or so and it's just as uncomfortable (in the opposite direction, obviously) as if it were 120.
I blame old age.
I remember going to my dad's parents house every Christmas (which is the only time we would go) and they had one of those gas space heaters in the front room. It was like an oven in there--but not in a good way. Those heaters suck all the air and moisture out of the room and it's like trying to breathe with sinuses full of silica gel. And, of course, it smelled like baking musty clothes filled with mothballs. But Big Mama and Big Daddy certainly seemed to enjoy it.
Now that I have entered the door to the long slide into total decrepitude, when it gets the slightest bit chilly outside, I keep thinking how nice it might be if I had a little space heater under my desk, or maybe a natural gas well flaring off. Or, you know, what they did for Dave Rex. It says there in I Kings how David was old and stricken with years and no matter how many clothes and blankets they put on him they couldn't get him warm, so they ran off down to Shunam and got a hot chick named Abishag to stand before him, and minister to him, and cherish him, and all that kinda thing.
In the immortal words of Mel Brooks, "it's good to be the king."
Then again, despite all the troubles David had, he didn't have my wife to contend with, so I might just have to make do with a space heater.
UPDATE: I do take comfort in the fact that I am not the only one who has succumbed to the frailties of old age.
Posted by Terry Oglesby at December 20, 2005 08:56 AMMaybe you could name your space heater "Abishag," because I KNOW that Reba won't let you have a fair damsel.
Posted by: Kathy at December 20, 2005 09:27 AMShe also won't come to work with me and snuggle. Keeps saying stuff like she "has a job to do" and "a paycheck to bring home."
The other problem is we aren't supposed to be plugging in any space heaters at our desks because it overloads the building circuits. I think I might go get the barrel full of recycle paper and light that.
Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 20, 2005 09:39 AM