May 13, 2005

" it's root, root, root for the home blog..."

On the evening last, as I sat hunched over my keyboard looking for pictures of Raquel Welch that would be appropriate in a middle school class project, I noted that I had received an electronic mail message. Since it was well past quitting time and Chet the E-Mail Boy had long since gone to his place of slumber at the Slag Ditch Elder Villas Phase I, I almost thought about waiting until this morning before retrieving it. I do so like it when Chet handles all of that sort of thing, and it does give him something to do other than bother me with tales of that totsy in Belgium in 1918.

SO, throwing caution to the wind, I clicked on the missive to see that it had come from someone named William Carroll, who said simply--

One of these days, if you need a baseball writer who grew up in Alabama, I hope the Weevils will axis me.

What a pitiable cry for help. Poor, poor, deluded man.

BUT, knowing how hard it is to dissuade persons from something once they have their minds made up, I wrote Mr. Carroll back and sent along the bundle of information for admission to the Alabama Disc Harrow Fanciers Society.

IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I came into the luxuriously appointed halls of the Axis of Weevil World Headquarters building this morning and saw that his reply was waiting on me! Not only that, someone left the screen door standing open last night, and there is a rat snake in the building somewhere. If you left the door open, this is your fault and I expect you to find the snake and get it out of here. Also, whoever is storing the set of old tires in the coat closet needs to get them out.

ANYWAY, on to William's qualifications for entry--

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama

Jeez, I might not admit Hueytown, but I'll certainly credit Alabama.

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

See above. That's up.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

If I can talk to Paul Finebaum for ten minutes without raising my voice, I can pretend anything.

Holy moley. Man must be some kind of ROBOT or something! Onward:

4) Functionally literate

Houston, we have a problem.

I think Whitney Houston has enough problems without having to deal with adult illiteracy. Lord knows I've asked her for help myself enough times.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD

I can't hunt and peck in ALL CAPS.

Maybe a hunting cap would help.

6) Update your blog more than once a month

That I do. Whether it's a worthwhile update is a whole other story.

Worthwhile, shmerthwhile. If we start bringing quality into this, we'll shut down the whole Internet.

7) Willing to be made fun of

Didn't I mention Hueytown?

Indeed so. But that doesn't automatically make you the butt of humor. Those stolen "Allison-Bonnett Memorial Parkway" street signs all over your living room, however...

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

But of course.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

Engraved into my P-35.

A man after my own heart. I would normally just go ahead and not even worry about any of the other questions, but I suppose I have to, in order to have some semblance of fairness.

I'm very upstanding that way, you know.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

Both of them.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

Now, I'm not so sure about Andy Griffith. I keep thinking of the one where Don Knotts does something dumb and Aunt Bea makes a pie. I did interview Gomer Pyle last year at the Indy 500. He wouldn't say "surprise surprise surprise" and seemed a bit annoyed at the question.

Man, he just keeps piling on the good stuff! Anyone who's ever made Jim Nabors mad just HAS to be a member! Might as well make him the president! Except, you know, it would still be a sort of puppet position, because my dream of world domination is still on go. Anyway...

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

Ma! Get the truck off them blocks before the Weevils check!

As long as it runs. Being on blocks doesn't mean it won't work, you know.

ANYWAY, after carefully reviewing the foregoing application, and consulting with Screaming Guy in the Park, I can see NO REASON why Mr. William Carroll, columnist for the fine publication Baseball Prospectus,and co-writer of The Juice Blog, AND author of The Juice: The Real Story of Baseball's Drug Problems, as well as Saving the Pitcher, should be denied ANY LONGER the misery and heartache that can only come from being a member of the Cotton States Quilting and Field Artillery Guild, know to many as the Axis of Weevil!

SO THEN, by the power vested in my by Cindy, who runs the batting cages at Funtown, and who has incredible upper body development due to years of fast pitch softball, which is somewhat similar to baseball, except it has girls in shorts and sleeveless tops, which is better, at least to my way of thinking, even if they do get sort of grimy and sweaty, which is really rather alluring in its own way, I suppose...oh, sorry. Rambling, aren't I? SO, I HEREBY PROCLAIM Will Carroll to be a full and complete member of the Axis of Weevil, with all of the duties and responsibilities falling thereto.

All of you are encouraged to go visit Will and say hello.

AS YOU ALL KNOW, every new member receives his very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Basket, containing containing a rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for his pickup, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Jimmy from next door, who has a condition, is so excited by the presence of a real baseball writer within the building that he has been inspired to create an entirely new genre of baseball-themed artwork. As you all remember, Jimmy uses arts and crafts as therapy for his condition, which he says has taken a turn for the worse lately, although I think this might have to do with the copy of Baseball Hotties that his aunt caught him with in the garage last month. In any event, Jimmy has decided to paint a life-size portrait of Will, entirely in tobacco juice!

Since Jimmy's aunt does not allow tobacco products to be used in her house, Jimmy would like to ask everyone to please save your spit cups for him.

SO, welcome to William, and make yourself at home!

(By the way, everyone wants to know if you will coach the company softball team, and if you can get us some jerseys other than the ones we have that were donated by the VFW. They all smell like Old Spice and phlegm. The jerseys, that is. Well, okay, the guys from the VFW post, too.)

Posted by Terry Oglesby at May 13, 2005 11:10 AM

I assume that you do keep a look out for guys in white coats bearing straight jackets. The one time we met, you seemed almost normal, but then I was taking a break from an all day government meeting at the time.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at May 13, 2005 11:52 AM

I'm honored and privileged. I think. I am concerned about people googling my name and Hueytown and getting results.

Posted by: Will Carroll at May 13, 2005 12:10 PM

Larry, are you talking about Will or me? Because, I am almost normal.

And don't worry, Will. Most of my Google hits come from people searching for various bits of Patricia Heaton's anatomy. (And no, I don't know why they think it would be on something called Possumblog.)

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 13, 2005 12:36 PM

No problem with you admitting to Hueytown. I already owned up to Bessemer.

BTW is that Jimmy from accounting?

Posted by: jim at May 13, 2005 12:36 PM

No, as you recall, Jimmy (from Accounting) was made redundant, because I got tired of the confusion about him and Jimmy (from next door).

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 13, 2005 12:40 PM