May 10, 2005

Horror Ripped From the Headlines!!

From the Bladen (N.C.) Journal

'Armored possum' discovered at White Lake

EEK! The story:

Possums, take note: there may be a new kind of dumb animal in town--armadillos.

Watch it, there, bright boy. That's mighty bold talk for a journalist. Anyway--

Lee Reason was on his way home Friday night when he found an armadillo near the intersection of N.C. 53 East and U.S. 701. The animal had apparently been run over by a motorist.

"I saw it laying there, and I thought, that's not a possum," Reason said. "I had to stop and see what it was." [...]

Well, of course. I mean, who doesn't stop and inspect interesting roadkill? I am overcome with grief, however, that no one seems to give the idea of a dead possum much consideration. I am also overcome with curiousity wondering what exactly the armadillo was laying, and how it managed to lay anything whilst dead. ANYway--

[...] While armadillos are sometimes called 'armored possums,' the hard-shelled mammal is more finicky about its food than the common opossum. They eat insects, some fruits, and the tender branches of cedar trees. Unlike possums, armadillos only occasionally eat garbage or roadkill. [...]

Well, golly GEE! I guess that makes the mystery of how one of these incredibly SMART and FINICKY creatures could EVER have been run over! I mean, they're so SMART and...uh, SMART and all!

Stupid armadillos.

Getting all the good publicity.



[...] While armadillos are occasionally seen in lower South Carolina, the unfortunate beast found at the lake was the first found in the area.

White Lake Police Chief Bruce Smith said he doesn't think local residents have to worry about an invasion of the hard-shelled mammals.

"I think they're harmless," he said, "but it sure is ugly."

Yeah, bub, they said the same thing about the Martians, and we all know how THAT turned out!

Smith said the animal was possibly a lost pet, or more likely, hitched a ride on a load of palm trees headed for the new White Lake Water Park.

Because armadillos, in addition to enjoying a good grub worm, also enjoy relaxing in comfort and style at a water park.

Smith said he personally had no problem with the critters moving in, if one part of their reputation was true--armadillos reportedly love to eat fire ants, and can clean out an entire mound.

"In my opinion, if they'll eat fire ants," he said, "they're welcome around here.

Yes, but when the fire ants are gone, I wouldn't turn my back on them for a second. Again, that whole thing with the Martians should be on everyone's mind.

Stupid armadillos.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at May 10, 2005 12:20 PM

Or as they're referred to in Lower Alabama, Possum on the half shell.

Posted by: El at May 10, 2005 12:26 PM


Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 10, 2005 12:40 PM

Didn't we bring in the fire ants to eat the kudzu? And we were gonna bring in killer bees to take out the fire ants until they got all that bad PR. If armadillos eat fire ants, I want to order a couple. And some goats to keep the back yard down.

Posted by: skillzy at May 10, 2005 01:01 PM

I think they are gradually moving further north. When I was a kid, my grandmother lived in south Mississippi and they used to dig up her yard. We had never seen one in the Meridian area, but as the years went on we would see roadkill closer and closer to home. They've been here for several years now. (Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum/armadillo that it could be done).

Posted by: Kathy at May 10, 2005 01:09 PM

I think we brought in fire ants to give Orkin something else to do, Skillzy. Kudzu is just another government project gone sadly according to fate. As for keeping fire ants and grass and such gone, I would much rather have a team of young nubile coeds with lawnmowers and buckets of Spectracide.

Kathy, I do wonder how far north the little vermin will go. I suppose when they reach Washington, something will be done about them. Like introducing giant flying armadillo-eating monkey-bats.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 10, 2005 01:20 PM

We saw a few roadkill armadillos in SC on the way home from Florida. Guess when you're walking with armor you feel like you're indestructible. Speaking of armadillos, where o' where has that little aardvark (that never hurt anyone) gone? Oh where oh where can he be?

Posted by: MarcV at May 10, 2005 01:26 PM

I don't know, but if there's ants to be et, an aardvark should be the natural choice to do it.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 10, 2005 01:56 PM

Ok, obviously I'm late in the commenting, but I seriously thought the title of this article was "Amored Possum discovered at White Lake". I thought that was pretty gross reporting on the details of some poor little possum's love life. Ick!

Maybe I need to go to Walmart and have my eyes checked, too!

Posted by: angie at May 11, 2005 11:26 AM

Heh--possum love!


Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 11, 2005 11:30 AM