Possumblog

Ah, Bonobo? What the heck is that?

Bonobo? Why it's one of those filthy monkeys! ::shakes fist::

Hotdam another redneck as nutty as I am. Those peppers in Chinese chow ain't there for the eating-betcha the cook is always watching out the door and laughs his butt off when some "white devil" bites down on one.

Actually, you can't be a redneck and not be a bit nutty. I think it's part of the job description.

Trust me, though, I am not so nutty that I purposely ate that pepper, oh so long ago. Strictly an accident then, and a source of constant fear now.

Your theory is fine, Mr. Possum, except for one small detail.

Bonobos can't drive. Science, Mr. Possum, must be based on firm evidence and careful investigation. Had you thought to experiment with Lemurs, I'm fairly sure you'd have gotten better results.

Good effort, but lacking something. C+

I beg to differ, Dr. Skinnydan. It is a well-known fact that the Central Intelligence Agency developed a training program in 1962 to teach bonobos the rudiments of vehicular control. Code-named Project Chaparral, three dozen bonobos were sequestered in a Howard Johnson's motor lodge in Baltimore, Maryland for a period of five weeks, during which time agents showed them driver's education films and assisted them in the use of driver-simulation stations. Other tasks included teaching the bonobos French and Mandarin, and getting them to clean their feces from the testing equipment. After this five week period, the bonobos were taken to Wright Patterson Air Force Base, where each was assigned a trainer and a vehicle, and each was given a cover identity. The actual road training commenced, although overall success was low, with 18 of the trainer-agent pairs becoming involved in a series of collisions. The program funding was halted in late 1962, and the remaining bonobos were discharged from the program.

It is quite plausible that as these bonobos returned to civilian life, they were able to retain enough knowledge to be able to theoretically drive a giant metal shaking machine.

The lemur was originally to be part of Operation Chaparral, but due to their being transferred to Task Force Lambda (a 1960 program to investigate the use of primate-delivered thermonuclear devices), an insufficient number of lemurs were available for training.

I see you've been taken in by the Bonobo-Automotive Komplex* and its web of lies.

That program was actually cover for a far more convoluted and sinister plot involving the bonobos and a certain unnamed South American country. If you thought Iran-Contra was a big deal, you have no idea. Do you think they call them Banana Republics for no reason at all?

Lemurs are in fact (See Ferschnutzen, Verdammter, et al, Op Cit.) very good drivers, as their father let them drive on the driveway. Most Driver's Ed instructors are, in fact, part lemur, which explains their habits of screaming at young drivers and throwing overripe mangoes at them.

* Apologies for the poor spelling, but the Munuvians thought I was writing about a website.

Lies? A strong word to be throwing around, Doctor. While Project Chaparral may or may not have been a cover for a deeper project, the fact remains that it did indeed exist, with some limited success, which may or may not have been intentional. Whether the funding cut was merely a ruse to take the project into a blacker portion of the intelligence budget cannot be said for certain now, but the fact remains that the portion now known through declassification did function as stated, and does, at least on a theoretical level, mean that a bonobo could operate a giant, metal, shaking-machine. I will grant you that the controls would probably have to resemble those of a 1958 DeSoto, but that is certainly not a given.

As for lemurs already being good drivers, evidence indicates that Ferschnutzen did not use direct observation of their abilities in a controlled setting, but rather relied largely on anecdotal evidence. I will not dispute that the lemur has more inate capability in motor vehicle operation than a bonobo, and for the reason you cite, i.e., early parental instruction. However, to say that this ability and instruction makes them "very good drivers" as you put it suspect, unless your standard of good driving is in comparison to other lower life forms, such as Ted Kennedy.

Hoist by your own lack of scienceness! You demonstrate your false credentialism thusly:

"I will grant you that the controls would probably have to resemble those of a 1958 DeSoto"

As any REAL scientist knows, all Bonobos are left handed. They would have frightened themselves beyond the capacity of a Bonobo had they used the toggle switches for the torque flight transmission. Which were always mounted on the LEFT. And, to top it off, Bonobos will not step foot in any model of car that comes in both a convertible and a station wagon, as the '58 DeSoto did.

Back to the lab for you, young man.

I said "probably" and "resemble"--I cannot be more specific as to the nature of the controls without invalidating my security clearance.

Secondly, you seem to not even know that the TorqueFlite was not introduced until 1961.

And you call yourself a scientist.

Aren't those bonobos being used secretly to win the DARPA Grand Challenge?

As further evidence of my "nerdiness", I almost snorted coffee out my nose laughing at the comments...

I doubt it's the same bonobos, since they don't have a very long lifespan when exposed to booze, cigarettes, and cars, but it might be part of ANOTHER program that we have no knowledge of.

Desert-driving-monkeys is a rather frightening concept. Then again, so is coffee nose.