Possumblog

Well, let's just say I require a pretty substantial level of proof.

But you know, if I was an intergalactic star traveling type dude, I know I would like nothing better than to make a layover over Alabama. But I don't recommend stopping at the rest area north of Montgomery. I'll just leave it at that.

Best response? From one Leada Gore, publisher of the Hartselle Enquirer and contributor to The Clanton Advertiser, who took some flak for her earlier story regarding our putative visitation:

[...] “It’s backwoods hillbillies like you that make the possibility of an event like this even more unbelievable.”

Ouch. Backwoods hillbilly? Me? Do you mean to tell me if I don’t believe the words of some Australian psychic who gets her advice from an Indian who just happens to share the name of a popular toilet paper brand then I’m a hillbilly?

Well, yee-haw I guess. [...]

As a very wise alien once said, "Heh. Indeed."

As easy as...

...stealing candy, chips, and cigars (WT!?) from a BP station!

(Another tip of the hat to Steevil, who should take up blogging himself so we don't miss out on stories like this. Or like this. Or this. Also, I would just like to say that I'm glad all those Olde English royal colonial types had regular names like "Mary," because it would be sorta crappy to have to live in a placed called Britneyland or N'keeshialand. "Maryland" has a nice ring to it.)

Now wait just a derned minute!!

I thought these people were supposed to be here doing the jobs Americans won't do!

I know for a fact there's plenty of Americans willing to do this, and there are probably a few of them who aren't even in Congress.

Talk about your "hostile work environment"!

"He told us that he was under a lot of stress."

Being a used car salesman was probably a poor career choice, then.

Figures.

Matches his no brains.

Would-be shoe-bomber has no regrets

You know, I don't even go anywhere far enough away to have to fly, but it would still make me very happy if ol' Mr. No-Regrets was hooked up to a machine that kicks him in the groin every time someone has to take off his shoes at an airport security screen.

Booze and Saboteurs and Embezzlers

--Oh My!

Via famed NASA rocketologist Steevil, this:

NASA Has its Own Embezzler Too

Report: NASA Employee Stole More Than $150,000, Local6.com

"A former NASA employee is accused of stealing more than $150,000 from government coffers, according to a report released Thursday. Elizabeth Ann Osborne, 52, who resigned in October after 31 years at the space agency, pleaded guilty to embezzling public money as part of an agreement made with the U.S. Attorney's Office on July 17." [...]

I'm sorry, but that's just not very a nice thing to have done.

Bad news, good news.

NASA reports sabotage of flight computer

The bad of this is obvious--there was a saboteur on the loose who had access to some very critical equipment. The small bright side is that he (or she--the article doesn't say) was caught and the equipment found before any damage was done. Does make you wonder what sort of employee screening and subsequent supervision is done to prevent this sort of thing. And, obviously, what sort of motivation the person has.

Entertainment Headlines!

Or possibly that little ditty from Sesame Street, "One of These Things (Is Not Like The Others)."

Britney behaved badly at photo shoot AP - 34 minutes ago
Lohan defends herself after arrest AP - 1 hour, 38 minutes ago
Queen guitarist to complete doctorate AP - Wed Jul 25, 10:09 AM ET

Gosh, it's almost like...

...having an alcohol montoring anklet is an insufficient substitute for having either a moral compass or true friends.

It's just this sort of thing...

...that made everyone in Mayberry speak in hushed, awed tones whenever the name Raleigh was mentioned: Hog Waste Vigil Ends Thursday

A 51-hour hog vigil will end Thursday in downtown Raleigh.

The purpose is to draw attention to how hog waste affects the environment. The main goal is new laws to end sprayfields and help clean up industrial hog farms.

The vigil, held behind the state Legislature Building, started at 3 p.m. Wednesday and will end at 6 p.m. Thursday.

It's just that sort of urbane big-city hurly-burly that lured Barney away, you know.

(Thanks to Jim Smith for the tip, and no, I don't have any clue about what sort of priest they'd get to conduct such an important vigil.)

Heh--schadenfreude!

Thieves steal Herman Munster's identity

By TED BRIDIS

The Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Did Internet thieves steal Herman Munster's MasterCard number? Crooks in an underground chat room for selling stolen credit card numbers and personal consumer information offered pilfered data purportedly about Herman Munster, the 1960s Frankenstein-like character from "The Munsters" TV sitcom.

The thieves apparently didn't realize Munster was a fictional TV character and dutifully offered to sell Munster's personal details — accurately listing his home address from the television series as 1313 Mocking Bird Lane — and what appeared to be his MasterCard number. Munster's birth date was listed as Aug. 15, 1964, suspiciously close to the TV series' original air date in September 1964. [...]

[CardCops Inc president Dan] Clements said evidence indicates the thief, known online as "Supra," was operating overseas. "They really stumble over our culture. He's probably not watching any reruns of 'The Munsters' on TV Land." [...]

Hmmm. I wonder if Supra would be interested in buying this information I have on one Archie Bunker, living at 704 Hauser Street, Queens, New York?

Or maybe Elwood Blues, at 1060 West Addison Street, Chicago, Illinois?

I finally might have found a way to make some extra cash!

Quote of the Day

"Obviously he needs more treatment to continue his recovery."

Say what?

Guard opens fire outside Walter Reed

WASHINGTON (AP) — An armed security guard at Walter Reed Army Medical Center opened fire at another guard Wednesday outside a busy entrance to the hospital, police said. No one was injured.

The guards had been arguing at about 8:30 a.m. when one of them fired as many as 10 shots, Lt. Jimmie Riley said. [...]

The guards are employed by a private security firm, which is under contract to Walter Reed. [...]

Now I realize there are certain economies available when you have private contractors, but still, it seems odd that Walter Reed Army Medical Center doesn't have, oh, I don't know--MPs, maybe--walking around. And if they do decide to stick with private security, one would hope that the next batch has a bit better marksmanship training.

"Photographing the city skyline."

Riiiiiight.

That's hot.

Hilton says she'll no longer 'act dumb'

Hilton stated she no longer desires to put in the effort required to act dumb, given that she already compares favorably in intelligence to fence posts, rocks, stumps, hammers, dirt, and her sister.

A question that deserves an answer.

Jimbo Smith sends along this link: Car drives into Long Island, N.Y., mall, and asks--"Is Long Island the new Alabama?"

It does seem as though they are trying very, very hard.

Ending paragraph of the article says a lot about just how hard they're trying:

[...] Thomas was to be arraigned Friday on charges of criminal mischief and reckless endangerment. He already faced arson charges for a separate incident at another Long Island mall, police said. Thomas is accused of setting a fire in a parking lot at the Broadway Mall in nearby Hicksville, they said.

Word on the street is they're gonna rename it Stupidtown.

Obviously, he's not a big fan of Willie Sutton.

Guman robs post office in rural Tuscaloosa County

I heard this on the news last night, and couldn't help but wondering exactly how much cash the Ralph, Alabama (pop. 1,098; number of businesses, 8) post office has in the till on a given Tuesday morning in order to induce someone to commit armed robbery to retrieve it.

Surely there has to be some other nearby place with better prospects for success. Such as underneath the guy's sofa cushions.

Obviously, it doesn't require anything quite so drastic.

Wal-Mart cashier: I was fired for joking

ALMONT TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — A former Wal-Mart cashier says he was fired for joking on his MySpace page that the average IQ would increase if a bomb were dropped on the company's stores.

David Noordewier said he was fired Feb. 27 for posting the message, which he said was a joke and not a threat.

"I told them that this was crazy," Noordewier told The Flint Journal. "It's not like I have a fighter jet in my backyard to drop a bomb with. Then they escorted me out to the parking lot." [...]

I'm not sure I agree with dismissing someone over saying something stupid on their own time, but oddly enough, since he's no longer at Wal-Mart anymore, the collective IQ did, in fact, go up by a factor of two.

As for what he said, it sounds pretty tame to me and the story makes it sound like he did show up on time and stuff. His bigger problem? Thinking he's a) smart, and b) funny. The last sentence is particularly whiny:

[...] "If you have a MySpace site, you better act like you're a politician," he said. "Be politically correct and don't try to be funny."

Cry me a river, ace. I've said it before, I'll say it again--the problem isn't stupid people, it's people who think they're smart. Next time, try to remember, dying is easy. Comedy is hard.

One wonders if...

...it's in some sort of magical, Dr. Doolittle manner, or through a more plausible mode of playing recorded squeals, squeaks, clicks, and grunts familiar to cetacean lovers, or is it on some subspace frequency linked to the chip Karl Rove had inserted into her cranium.

Hasselbeck communicating with O'Donnell

I suppose I should GOOGLE IT!

(If I really cared.)

Quote of the Day.

"Father Dean made it sound so sinful," she said. "There is so much more to this business than toys."

Yep, that Father Dean is quite the spoilsport.

Somehow, I don't think we'll see...

...Jack Sparrow doing this in Pirates of the Caribbean IV: Man gets 5 years for blowing up toilet

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (AP) — A man once called one of the Internet's most notorious pirates of music and movies was sentenced Wednesday to five years in prison for blowing up a portable toilet, prosecutors said.

Bruce Forest, 50, was charged last year with a series of toilet explosions in 2005 and 2006. But under a plea agreement, Forest admitted only to blowing up one toilet in Weston in February 2006. No one was injured in any of the blasts.

His defense attorney and his wife said the incident was completely out of character for Forest. They said he had been addicted to painkillers initially taken for migraine headaches caused by a severe fall about 10 years ago. A prescribed drug intended to wean him off the painkillers caused psychotic episodes, they said. [...]

Apparently those were some very specific psychotic episodes. Savvy?

"Sow the Wind..."

"...reap the whirlwind." Or, you know, a speeding commuter train.

(Thanks again to Dr. Smith.)

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Above the Mason-Dixon Line Version

Another jewel from Jim Smith, about some yutes and their adult enablers who sojourned from bucolic Lawn Guyland to the Happiest Place on Earth.

Police: 'Spitting' Teen Shocked With Taser At Disney

ORLANDO, Fla. -- A teen was shocked with a Taser gun and several others were detained at Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom theme park after they attacked officers responding to reports they were spitting at guests, according to police.

A Disney security guard said three teens and two adults who were visiting the Magic Kingdom from Long Island Sunday were spitting at guests and cursing.

When a sheriff's deputy responded, the five are accused of punching and kicking the officer and other security guards at the park.

The deputy said he was forced to use a Taser gun to subdue one of the teens. [...]

Park guests expressed their enjoyment of the altercation, thinking they were experiencing a new "Sopranos" attraction.

(More details here--and here's a shocker--believe it or not, the suspects were said to have been intoxicated.)

How touching!

Woman still likes gorilla despite attack

Although probably not a good touching.

Must've thought they were at a Bruins game.

Fight breaks out at Boston Pops

Bottoms up, Occifer!

Driver Toasts Police Officers With Beer

DECATUR, Ala. (AP) - Some people don't know when to quit.

Take the case of a Russellville man who found trapped in a partially submerged vehicle early Sunday in a creek.

Decatur Police officers spotted the sport utility vehicle and found the driver unharmed, but apparently celebrating.

Well, who can blame him--he just survived being attacked by an evil SUV!

Police said 21-year-old Jorge Taverez raised a can of beer and appeared to toast the officers.

Police said while they waited for firefighters, Taverez drank a few more beers and even turned up the music before water got into his vehicle's electrical system.

What a shocking development! Simply revolting. Okay, sorry--ohm through making puns now. My resistance was just low, that's all.

The vehicle was pulled and Taverez was charged with DUI and other offenses, including littering.

Apparently, being an idiot is not a crime in and of itself.

SO, here's to YOU, Mr. Drunken SUV Driver Who Toasts His Arresting Officers!

"Missed it by that much!"

Ohio rooftop jumper misses, gets stuck

FRANKLIN, Ohio - A man accused of trying to elude police by jumping from rooftop to rooftop found the gap between two buildings a little wider than he thought, police reports show.

Christopher Watts, 32, of Franklin in southwest Ohio, was wanted for a Warren County probation violation when he ran from an officer who approached him Saturday, reports show. He climbed a fence to the top of a one-story bar, then attempted to jump to the roof of a dry cleaner's next door, according to a police report.

Watts missed and fell about 15 feet, becoming stuck in an enclosed area between the two buildings, the report said. A fire department ladder truck was used to pull him free, and he was taken to a hospital in Dayton for treatment of his injuries. [...]

Gravity is a stern mistress, my friends.

Maybe we need to post these on roofs of buildings--

Hmm. I wonder...

...will the guy reinstate the complaint, if he ever stumbles across this little tidbit?

Road to Hell Paving Department, Miss America Division UPDATED

Good intentions and all, but this doesn't look as though it will turn out the way everyone thought it would: Sex stings imperiled by Miss America

HAUPPAUGE, N.Y. (AP) — An undercover sex sting that used Miss America as bait may be in trouble after the beauty queen told prosecutors that she does not plan to testify against the men she helped arrest.

Lauren Nelson, 20, of Lawton, Okla., worked with police in Suffolk County to target would-be Internet sexual predators, taped for an episode of the TV show "America's Most Wanted."

She posed as a teenager and lured men into chatting online and meeting her at a home, where police and crews were waiting. Eleven men were arrested in the sting.

But one or all of the cases against the men could be in jeopardy after Nelson told prosecutors she did not plan on returning to Long Island to testify, said Suffolk District Attorney Thomas Spota in Newsday's Tuesday edition.

"Her agents have told us that she's not coming back to testify," Spota said. The Miss America Organization did not return calls for comment Monday from a Newsday reporter.

Given that Nelson actually spoke with at least one of the men arrested during the operation, Spota said he had instructed prosecutors not to present any more cases to the grand jury until they can "determine her involvement." One case already presented may falter, he said. [...]

Someone should have thought about this ahead of time. And for whatever good America's Most Wanted might do in tracking down criminals, PR stunts like this don't do anyone any good.

UPDATE: 3:10 p.m. Well, good--Miss America to testify in sex sting

HAUPPAUGE, N.Y. (AP) — An undercover sex sting that used Miss America as bait appeared to be in trouble until the beauty queen said Tuesday she changed her mind and agreed to testify against the men she helped arrest. [...]

[...] On Tuesday, the Miss America Organization said Nelson is "fully cooperating with the law enforcement officials." Spokeswoman Sharon Pearce said that included the district attorney's office. [...]

Odd that this would come from the Miss America organization and not her agent or spokesperson, but I hope she does see the importance of carrying through with what she started.

I think it's because there are quite a few really stupid people in the world.

I'm sorry, but it just must be Stupid Thursday.

The ever-reliable Mikkelsons take their time debunking yet another bit of bunkery, but then note, "The interesting aspect lies not in the analysis of the image, but in why so many readers considered it plausible enough to forward to us for verification."

Again, my theory on the matter can be found in the title of this post.

As a very wise man once said...

...Heh, indeed.

Although some of you might scoff, I have found that one can indeed live quite comfortably without having to buy toilet paper ever again.

I mean, what good is carrying a cloth shopping bag unless you use it to steal toilet paper from work! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE!?

Of course I am.

In a more serious vein, I do have to wonder if concerts aren't rather anachronistic and archaic. Why not just have a video concert piped directly to people's iPods and home theater systems? Sure seems like it would save a lot of time and energy that way.

But then again, that's not really the point, is it?

No, I suppose not.

Awww, how cute.

Lawyer: Flag burning prank, not politics

Well, as I said yesterday, they shouldn't be seen as anything other than three trespassing, private-property-destroying imbeciles. No matter whether it's political or not, they still set fire to something on someone's property, and they need to be punished. And deportation seems like a nice way to punish the two who aren't citizens. As for the citizen-moron, I figure making him wash fire trucks for a couple of months should instill in him a proper respect for flammables and other folk's stuff.

Quote of the Day

"This behaviour was clearly inappropriate and is completely unacceptable."

Yep, that's probably about right.

What I wonder...

Protesters target Rove at university

WASHINGTON - White House adviser Karl Rove was confronted by more than a dozen protesters who blocked his car and threw things as he tried to leave a speaking engagement at American University, officials said.

Rove was attending a guests-only discussion of electoral politics Tuesday night sponsored by the American University College Republicans. [...]

When Rove tried to leave a campus building, he was confronted by more than a dozen protesters who surrounded his car to prevent it from leaving, Csellar said.

"They were throwing unknown objects at the vehicle," said Secret Service spokeswoman Kimberly Bruce. She said members of the Secret Service asked the protesters to move. When they continued to block the vehicle's exit, campus police were contacted. [emphasis added]

Campus police lifted some of the demonstrators from the asphalt and carried them out of the vehicle's path so Rove could leave the campus. There were no arrests or injuries, police said. [...]

Two things I wonder, actually.

Why are people who hate Republicans (and Karl Rove in particular) because of their brutal warmongering and such like always the ones throwing junk at people? Enough of this kind of thing happens, and pretty soon I'm gonna get the idea that maybe they're not really non-violent pacifists!

Second, exactly why is it that campus police had to be called? You'd figure if you had a visiting Administration official on campus--no matter his ideology or political affiliation--that you would do him the courtesy of having at least a token representation of security there. Especially if you have even the slightest idea (no matter how baffling you might find it) that you possibly might have some students enrolled on your campus who think screaming and throwing things is not something to be discarded in childhood.

Maybe she should teach classes to monkeys at the zoo.

Teacher who threw feces at boy may keep job

By Scott Valentine
2 hours, 32 minutes ago

TORONTO (Reuters) - A Toronto school principal who pleaded guilty to throwing human excrement at a 12-year-old boy may get her job back, officials said on Tuesday.

"It's quite possible she'll end up back in her old position," said Grant Bowers, a lawyer for the Toronto District School Board.

Maria Pantalone, 49, a sister of Toronto's deputy mayor [emphasis added], was granted an absolute discharge on assault charges Monday after a judge said she "had already suffered enough," according to court documents.

The charges stemmed from an incident on July 30, 2006, in which police said Pantalone threw feces at the boy, who was not one of her students, hitting him on the shoulder.

The circumstances of the assault cannot be described due to a court publication ban designed to protect the identity of the victim. The judge in the case, however, said they were unique.

"I couldn't take it anymore. It was total, total frustration," Pantalone testified, according to media reports.

Well, I'm sure. I mean, I'd like to fling crap at my kids every once in a while.

But then I remember that I'm an adult.

She was suspended with pay from her position as an elementary school principal in August 2006.

In his ruling, the judge said Pantalone was "publicly embarrassed, if not humiliated. She has suffered more than most."

Just a tip, folks--to avoid public embarrassment and humilation and suffering caused by your having assaulting a child with thrown poop, Possumblog suggests you not throw poop.

Your're welcome.

Pantalone is on alternate assignment at school board offices and has no contact with students, Bower said.

I'm sure her coworkers are careful to keep an eye on her when she comes back from the restroom. And they probably keep an umbrella handy.

Once the school board completes its own investigation, she could return to her previous duties.

"The investigation won't take long," Bower said. "The fact that she admitted to the offense is certainly a factor."

Certainly.

A Toronto school board policy document details rules for the school at which Pantalone was principal that include the need to "show respect for yourself and others," and "keep hands, feet and objects to yourself."

Well, you know, some things are just too good not to share. Although fecal matter is probably not on that list.

ANYway, surely I'm not the only one curious about exactly where she procured the missile in question, and if it was her own, or produced by another manufacturer. And just exactly where is the usual chorus of people screaming about THE CHILDREN^tm!! In this case, it seems that it might actually be a good thing, for once, since all that's talked about is how difficult this has been for Ms. Stinkyflinger.

Mysteries, one and all.

(I just hope if she does get another job at a school that they avoid the temptation to welcome her by giving her a big plate of homemade chocolate fudge.)

And in other idiot news...

3 at Yale accused of burning U.S. flag

Now the headline makes this sound like one of your regular idiot college kid flag-burning stunt, but when you actually read the story, you find a slightly different angle.

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (AP) — Three Yale University students, one a U.S. citizen born in Pakistan, were arrested on charges of setting fire to an American flag hanging outside a home.

Said Hyder Akbar, 23, Nikolaos Angelopoulos, 19, and Farhad Anklesaria, also 19, were arrested early Tuesday on charges ranging from reckless endangerment to arson, police said.

Akbar, a senior, was born in Pakistan but is a U.S. citizen, police said. He worked as an informal translator for U.S. forces during the invasion of Afghanistan and later published a memoir, "Come Back to Afghanistan," based on his experiences, the Yale Daily News reported Wednesday. [...]

OOooooh--bold brave speakers of truth to powerers! Well, hold on a second...

Authorities said the three students had waved over two police officers in the area early Tuesday to ask for directions.

A short time later, the officers returned to the neighborhood to see if the students had found their way home and spotted the burning flag. One officer pulled down the burning flag and the other tracked down the three men, authorities said.

SO, they're not really brave young souls trying to make a point, but something more like three trespassing, private-property-destroying imbeciles.

Apparently CBS needs to review their pay scale for freelancers.

CBS free-lancer on Masters arrested in bank robbery

AUGUSTA, Ga. (AP) — A freelance editor from Alabama who was hired by CBS to help cover the Masters golf tournament this week was one of three people arrested Monday and charged in a bank robbery, authorities said.

A man wearing a white T-shirt, blue jeans and an Atlanta Braves sun visor entered a Wachovia bank branch on Gordon Highway shortly after 9 a.m. and handed a teller a note demanding money, said Sgt. Richard Roundtree of the Richmond County Sheriff's Department.

A red dye pack mixed in the money exploded in the parking lot, he said.

After an anonymous tip, investigators arrested Michael Alan Crane, 31, at a nearby Holiday Inn and found clothing stained with red dye in his room, along with an undisclosed amount of money taken in the robbery, Roundtree said in a news release.

Two alleged accomplices from the area, Jawone Reginald Bennett, 31, and Shelby Lee Wills, 28, were arrested a short time later at a lounge, he said. All three were charged with robbery by intimidation and held in the Richmond County Jail.

Roundtree said both Crane's hotel room and the rental car used in the robbery were registered to CBS.

Leslie Anne Wade, vice president of communications for CBS Sports, confirmed Crane's employment.

"He was hired as a freelance technician for this event," Wade told The Augusta Chronicle.

Idiot. Didn't take out the dye pack, room and rental car registered to CBS, left evidence all over the place--looks like CBS is still hiring the best and brightest.

Anyway, my prediction of how he'll try to wiggle out of this? He'll show the court several memos "signed" by "Les Moonves" ordering him to rob a bank in order to expose how poorly protected they are.

Obviously, I was much too quick to pick on Mississippi and Sweden...

Woman On Horseback Charged With DUI

SYLVANIA, Ala. (AP) - A Henagar woman was arrested for riding a horse while under the influence of a controlled substance and using the animal to ram a police car.

Sylvania police arrested 40-year-old Melissa Byrum York around midnight Sunday on DeKalb County Road 194. She was charged with seven counts that included DUI, animal cruelty and second-degree assault.

John Seals, the arresting officer, had to get back in his car and follow York after she allegedly coaxed the horse into a trot.

Seals pulled his car in front of the horse to try to get her to stop. She allegedly rammed the horse into the car and went about 50 more yards and tried to jump off, but York caught her foot in the stirrups.

Police also seized a small amount of marijuana, some crystal meth and several pills. [...]

What are the odds of THAT!?

Anyway, they seem to be going all out on her. You might think that DUI is stretching it, considering that it references the operation of vehicles, not the riding of domestic animals. Well, thankfully, we thought of that, and according to the definition:

(81) VEHICLE. Every device in, upon or by which any person or property is or may be transported or drawn upon a highway, excepting devices moved by human power or used exclusively upon stationary rails or tracks or electric personal assistive mobility devices; provided, that for the purposes of this title, a bicycle or a ridden animal shall be deemed a vehicle, except those provisions of this title, which by their very nature can have no application.

So, kids--when you get all cranked up on meth and maryjuwana, don't think you'll escape the long arm of John Law by ditching your Camaro and gadding about on your pony.

WHAT!?

What do you mean jets aren’t powrd by nachrl gas!?

I feel so unempowered!

Thank goodness for Mississippi Sweden

Couple fights for baby 'Metallica' name

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) — Metallica may work as a name for a heavy metal band, but a Swedish couple is struggling to convince authorities it's also suitable for a baby girl.

Sweden's tax agency rejected Michael and Karolina Tomaro's application to name their 6-month-old daughter after the legendary rock band.

"It suits her," Karolina Tomaro, 27, said Tuesday of the name. "She's decisive and she knows what she wants." [...]

Reminds me of that old Seinfeld bit, "You know, you name your kid Jeeves, you pretty much guarantee he's gonna grow up to be a butler."

ANYway, having four children of my own, I can safely say that the only thing a six-month-old is decisive about is eating, pooping, and peeing. Then again, you figure when she grows up to be a heavy metal groupie, that's probably enough.

(Oh, and apparently these fine folks aren't the only ones seeking to saddle their child with a lifetime of ridicule.)

A Diamond In The...

...well, not quite "rough."

Although roughage would have helped.

One can only hope...

Sharpton: DNA could tie me to Thurmond

...that Zsa-Zsa Gabor's husband isn't involved in this.

So a beaver, a rat, and a guy named Zbigniew walk into a Taco Bell...

New Yorker denies making 'Polish joke'

You know, I think we're probably only about a day away from a low-speed white Bronco chase.

Britney Spears flees rehab again

I hope she realizes...

...that the phrase "taking it one day at a time" doesn't mean you check out after a day--Britney Spears checks into rehab in LA: reports

Oh, I'm almost certain...

Gore announces 'global warming' concerts

...that this series of concerts will be attended by people who walked or used public transportation to arrive at the venues (and that includes the performers, too!), and that no electricity will be used, and that there will not be a huge mountain of garbage left over afterwards, and that the foundation set up to handle the funds will not soak up huge amounts of money for office staff and office supplies and a nice Manhattan office, and that the funds that DO get spent will stop global warming dead in its tracks.

I suppose we should be grateful there were no metal folding chairs around.

Dad tosses son's wrestling foe from ring

AURORA, Ill. (AP) — A father bounded into a youth wrestling match, picked up his son's winning opponent and launched him out of the ring, an episode caught on a home video.

After tossing the 11-year-old boy into the air Sunday, the angry father headed toward the cameraman, the father of the airborne boy.

"I was just wrestling, then the guy throws me," the boy, Nick Nasenbeny of suburban Aurora, told WMAQ-TV in Chicago. It was not known if the boy was injured.

Ray Hoffman, the father in the video and a part-time wrestling coach, told the television station he regrets his behavior and feels embarrassed. He said his son's shoulder was injured. Hoffman also said he will no longer be allowed to coach. [...]

Word on the street is that he is also being pressured to resign as John Edwards' campaign blogger.

That's great.

N.M. orders 500 talking urinal cakes

Now you'll have drunks trying to pick a fight with a urinal cake.

Oh, good grief.

I thought I was going to be able to stay away from mentioning anything about the sad passing of Anna Nicole Smith. But even in death, she can't escape the weirdness of the life she made for herself.

I feel like I need to take a shower now.

Disgraceful, Distasteful,

..and downright daft.

Who?

Who else.

Uh, well, I have a feeling it'll be an even longer time, now.

Police: Gunman in Dothan standoff upset he wasn't sent to Iraq

DOTHAN, Ala. (AP) — A 19-year-old member of the Alabama National Guard was upset about not being deployed to Iraq when he took over a small medical center, and he planned to "kill everybody there" but changed his mind when he saw a child playing in the waiting room, police said.

Jason Murphy of Dothan is charged with burglary, terrorist threats and criminal mischief for the 2 1/2 hour standoff he had with police while barricaded in the PrimeCare medical center on Monday. [...]

The burglary charge is a class B felony and carries a sentence of two to 20 years of imprisonment, while the other charges are class C felonies with sentences of one to 10 years in prison. Murphy is being held in jail without bond.

Maybe it's just me, but I have a feeling there are better ways of expressing your anger.

In the immortal words of Sgt. Hulka, "Lighten up, Francis."

I sure hope we don't go from "postal" to...

..."spacial." Astronaut charged with kidnap attempt

[...] "If you were just going to talk to someone, I don't know that you would need a wig, a trench coat, an air cartridge BB gun and pepper spray," said Sgt. Barbara Jones, a spokeswoman for the Orlando Police Department. [...]

People are just so judgmental.

And in a completely unrelated story--Love is ... a pair of really good jeans

Well, that, and a soggy pair of adult diapers.

But the Village People made it all sound so dreamy!

Police: Alabama man arrested in women's attire Navy deserter

BAY MINETTE, Ala. (AP) — A 21-year-old man described by police as a two-time U.S. Navy deserter didn't go unnoticed when he was arrested at a traffic stop in Bay Minette. Police said he was wearing women's clothing and makeup.

"A person in a town like Bay Minette that goes around dressed like a woman, stands out pretty good," Police Chief Michael Rowland said. [...]

Because apparently in a town like Bay Minette, female persons don't dress like women any more than the men do. Or something.

Police stopped Javaee Morrissette Robinson for driving with an expired tag Tuesday and learned he was wanted by the Navy for desertion, Rowland said.

Police don't believe Robinson was attempting to disguise himself. Rowland said Robinson has lived in Bay Minette for a while and has a history of cross-dressing.

"We just believe that is part of his particular lifestyle," Rowland said. [...]

And let's face it--navy blue is VERY slimming.

There's probably also some kind of joke in here about "rum, sodomy, and the lash," but I'm not sure it should be made.

Hey, just because it's a cliché doesn't mean it's not true.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Given the parents' actions, it's pretty easy to see why the kid acts the way she does.

Wow.

What a bargain.

"If you thought of this as the cabin on a boat, you'd say, 'It's pretty spacious.'"

Likewise if you were an amoeba, you'd think it was even more spacious, and not only that, you wouldn't care one bit if it IS a closet in a basement.

For what it's worth, I am subletting the area under my drafting table for anyone who'd like a small apartment close to the city center. Includes electrical and telephone outlets.

And I'm certain...

...it will be YUUUUUUGE. Trump to get star on Hollywood Fame Walk

One imagines he probably tried to get one that was bigger than everyone else's, and made of gold, and has lights, and a speaker with a recorded loop of him saying kind things about himself.

When you look up the definition of "sorry low down good for nothing" in the dictionary...

You might find something like this: Former Trussville worker accused of identity thefts

If this turns out to be true and she is convicted, I think she ought to get her picture in the dictionary, too. It's bad enough to steal, but when you (allegedly) are stealing from people who shop at the Dollar Tree, well, that's pretty low.

And not only that, it besmirches my hometown that she decided to (allegedly) do her dirty work here.

Well, I guess the intruder was lucky.

Man beats intruder with extinguisher

YONKERS, N.Y. (AP) — A homeowner used a kitchen fire extinguisher to beat back an intruder before catching him early Thursday, police said.

The homeowner woke up around 1:30 a.m. when he heard a man banging on the kitchen door and fumbling with the doorknob while trying to get in, police said. When the homeowner opened the door to see who was there, the man barged in.

The homeowner, fearing for the safety of his wife and children upstairs, grabbed the fire extinguisher, sprayed the intruder with foam, smacked him over the head and held him on the floor, said police, who arrested the thug and took him to a hospital. [...]

I mean, the homeowner could have set him on fire first.

Hmm.

Police hunt pub urinal thief

LONDON (Reuters) - British police said Friday they were hunting a man who stole a urinal from a pub toilet.

The suspect walked into the Royal Oak pub in Southampton, on the English south coast, ordered half a pint of beer and then made several visits to the men's toilet.

There he carefully removed a white urinal from the wall, stuffed it into a rucksack and was captured on closed circuit television walking out with the bulging sack on his back.

"He made a very, very expert job of dismantling it from the wall and turning the water off. A very professional job," landlord Alan Dreja said in a video posted on the Southampton Daily Echo newspaper's Web site. [...]

I guess every guy has needed a portable urinal at one time in his life, but this seems a bit much to lug around.

A dose of chlorine in the gene pool...

Via famed NASA rocket scientist and galley slave Steevil, news of the winners of one of 2006's most prestigious awards.

Some people need to lighten up a bit.

Deep-fried turkey grounded at Dulles

CHANTILLY, Va. (AP) — Add deep-fried turkey to the list of banned substances at Dulles International Airport.

A holiday party last week at the airport's administrative offices drew a fire marshal and complaints from union officials upset with the menu: a deep-fried turkey prepared on site that they deemed a fire hazard.

"It has ... come to my attention that the Dulles Management decided it would be a nice idea to DEEP FRY A TURKEY in the Dulles administrative quarters, surrounded by carpet, linoleum, an airport, aircraft, a control tower, thousands if not millions of gallons of jet fuel and thousands of passengers and employees," Kieron Heflin, an air traffic controller's union representative, complained in a letter to management. [...]

Okay, now maybe they have a point, although if you read the rest of the article, it doesn't seem to have been quite the disaster-waiting-to-happen it's made out to be by the union rep. And I guess that's my beef--there's nothing wrong with trying to maintain a safe work environment, but the tone of the memo is so childish and insipid and so full of overwrought hysteria that it only serves to make the writer look like a humorless, imbecilic twit.

Surely that's not what was intended.

I'm sure everyone at Dulles has enough to do without making this into an issue.

Then again, maybe not.

Steevil Laughed.

From highly-respected NASA rocket scientist Steevil, this article, and the comment, "ignorance of astronomy is a terrible thing."

In fairness to the stone-fondling goobs in the story, I will note that my Architectural Treasures of Europe calender up on the wall beside my desk does say that today is the solstice. (I won't mention that my desk calendar has it right.)

In any event, I am sad that there is no reference in the article to the monument being in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.

I have an idea.

Trump and Rosie argue over Miss USA

How about a show with The Donald and The Rosie as hosts. It would be yuuuuuge. And maybe they could have a steel cage death match.

Well, I'm certain it must be a bunch of roving disgruntled University of Alabama fans.

Auburn police looking for water balloon vandals

AUBURN, Ala. (AP) — Auburn police are looking for vandals who have damaged a number of cars in Auburn. The weapon — water balloons.

Police say nine people reported their cars were damaged earlier this week by water balloons that were apparently tossed from passing cars.

Police Captain Tom Stofer says the balloons have caused more than four thousand dollars in damage. He says the balloons have cracked or shattered windshields and dented car hoods. [...]

Now that's either some REALLY big balloons, or someone's gotten into the heavy water.

Zero Intelligence Watch

Just saw this one: Texas child suspended after hugging aide

WACO, Texas (AP) — School administrators gave a 4-year-old student an in-school suspension for inappropriately touching a teacher's aide after the pre-kindergartner hugged the woman.

A letter from La Vega school district administrators to the student's parents said that the boy was involved in "inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment" after he hugged the woman and he "rubbed his face in the chest of (the) female employee" on Nov. 10.

DaMarcus Blackwell, the father of the boy who attends La Vega Primary School, said he filed a complaint with the district. He said that his son doesn't understand why he was punished. [...]

After Blackwell filed a complaint, a subsequent letter from the district said the offense had been changed to "inappropriate physical contact" and removed references of sexual contact or sexual harassment from the boy's file.

Administrators said the district's student handbook contains no specific guidelines referring to contact between teachers and students but does state that inappropriate physical contact will result in a discipline referral. [...]

He's a FOUR YEAR OLD, for crying out loud!

This is what happens when you have people with more college degrees than common sense running the show. No, little boys shouldn't be allowed to run around nuzzling twixt the ninnies of women to whom they are not legally wed, but the thing to do is tell him not to do that, tell mom and dad they might need to have a little discussion about such things, and drop it.

And that's it.

As mugshots go...

...this one actually isn't half bad, considering what there is to work with.

Ye shall have irony with thee alway.

Via noted scholar and Spitfire pilot Steevil, this particularly interesting website.

You know, there's something to be said for anyone studying theology who would consider buying a term paper online to use in one of their classes.

Not sure what, exactly, but it does seem like it would be a lot cheaper to just sell your soul to Satan.

Rule #1

Always assume the gun is loaded.

Rule #2

Always keep muzzle pointed in a safe direction

Rule #3

Don't be an idiot.

It has often been said...

...that a redneck's last words are usually, "Hey, y'all! Watch THIS!"

One wonders if something similar is expressed by yobs with fireworks.

(By the way, there is no evidence Guy Fawkes ever placed gunpowder anywhere near his nether regions.)

Okay, who had the pool on this one?

Via CNN's Breaking News Alert: "Britney Spears files for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences."

Wow--who could have seen that coming!?

Anyway, coming as it does on Election Day, I must question the timing.

Y'know...

Woman claims to find finger in sandwich

...doncha think fingers are just a little passé?

OH, by the way--did you hear about the butcher who backed into the slicer and got a little behind in his work?

That joke always makes me laugh.

Operative Word -- "Again"

Man with mannequin fetish arrested again

In case I ever get to be an aging movie star...

...please slap me if I start saying stuff like this: Ford says he's fit to play Indiana Jones.

ROME - Harrison Ford says he feels "fit to continue" to play Indiana Jones despite growing older.

Ford, 64, said at the inaugural Rome Film Festival on Friday that he was delighted to team up again with directors Steven Spielberg and George Lucas for the film. Lucas co-wrote and executive produced the earlier films, which Spielberg directed.

"We did three films that stay within the same block of time. We need to move on for artistic reasons and obvious physical reasons," Ford said at a news conference. "I feel fit to continue and bring the same physical action." [...]

Ford played Indiana Jones in 1981's "Raiders of the Lost Ark," 1984's "Temple of Doom" and 1989's "The Last Crusade." In the last film, Jones' father was played by Sean Connery, who Ford said might also appear in the planned fourth feature. [...]

Something to ponder--Sean Connery was born in 1930. In 1989, he was 59 years old. Five years younger then, than Ford is now.

Sorry, dude. Despite your affectation of an ear piercing and having the attention of a (much) younger (yet equally creepy) companion-waif, you're not fooling anyone.

The question appears not to be...

..."Am Our Children Lurning?" but rather, "Exactly WHAT Am Our Children Lurning!?" Teacher charged with disturbing corpse

ROCKY GAP, Va. (AP) — A high school science teacher is charged with breaking into a century-old funeral vault, handling the remains of a corpse, and taking photographs of two students holding the bones inside the crypt.

Authorities have charged Candace Longworth, 31, of Bastian, with a felony charge of disturbing and defiling a dead person from a place of burial and two misdemeanor counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The teenagers have been charged as juveniles.

"It's not anything anyone would call school-related," said Tazewell County Commonwealth's Attorney Dennis Lee. "It's just bizarre." [...]

Uhmmm, ya think!?

Funny, but she doesn't look like what you think a corpse-disturber would look like. ANYway, why would anyone think this is a good idea? And that it would be an even better idea to photograph yourself in the act?

And just in case the page is removed, here's a copy of the putative Tomb Raider's photo.

The amazing stories you find...

...when you have a Google News Alert with the keyword "Volvo"--Woman cited for deer possession

Read it all--and just remember, this took place in Oregon, not around here.

(Because let's face it, if it had occurred here, she would have had the good sense to field dress it before stuffing it in the trunk.)

UPDATE: But speaking of stereotypes, I think it's best we not even discuss this one.

Speaking of lucky numbers...

An exceedingly odd and disturbing report from the island of Rhodes, via Steevil, who has been known to use his top-secret NASA rocket science skills to steam quahogs.

In any event, every time I begin to think Alabama has a lock on peculiarity, stories like this come along and make me glad we aren't good enough for status symbols.

Going back to our earlier post on edumacation...

...just had a co-worker come by with a letter, and a very odd question. "Look at this. [shows me signature line on letter] Is this some sort of weird way to spell 'Lewis,' or do you think this is supposed to be 'Louise'?"

I looked at the name typed on the paper.

Louis

"Uhhh, well, no--it can be pronouned Lewis like 'St. Louis,' or Lewie, like 'Louis Armstrong.' But it's not 'Louise'."

Who's never seen the name Louis before!?

::sigh::

Hey, speaking of crazy...

Calif. sues carmakers over global warming

By Michael Kahn

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - California on Wednesday sued six of the world's largest automakers, including General Motors Corp. and Toyota Motor Corp., over global warming, charging that greenhouse gases from their vehicles have caused billions of dollars in damages.

The lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Northern California was the first of its kind to seek to hold manufacturers liable for the damages caused by their vehicles' emissions, state Attorney General Bill Lockyer said. [...]

Lockyer told Reuters he would seek "tens or hundreds of millions of dollars" from the automakers.

The lawsuit seeks monetary damages for past and ongoing contributions to global warming and asks that the companies be held liable for future monetary damages to California. [...]

"Shameless pandering and infernal idiocy," you say? Well, consider the source:

[...] Lockyer -- a Democratic candidate for state treasurer in the November election [...]

If your idea of a wise steward is someone who will waste millions of your taxpayer dollars on an absolutely insane lawsuit simply so he can grandstand and preen, then by all means, elect this man as your state treasurer.

Obviously, the car companies are going to have to work on this in the courtroom, but it might be worth considering that state, county, and local jurisdictions in California buy a lot of cars--police cars, utility trucks, supervisor's vehicles. Since the state has just become a plaintiff in a lawsuit against the car companies, it only seems fair that those companies should suspend delivery of all vehicles and spare parts to California government offices until this is settled. Sure wouldn't want the state to be seen as having a conflict of interest or anything, or further exacerbate the air quality problems in California by continuing to fill the place up with filthy death-spewing internal combustion thingies. Also, I think it would be wise until this is all settled for all public employees to have to park their official vehicles and take public transportation. Keep a united front and all.

Is there nothing he can't do!?

Man accused of fraud blames Karl Rove

By LARRY NEUMEISTER
The Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — Attorneys for a man accused of fraud say he was charged at the behest of presidential adviser Karl Rove in retaliation for a flood of spam e-mails sent to a campaign Web site. A federal prosecutor says the claim is "absurd."

Assistant U.S. Attorney David M. Siegal urged U.S. District Judge Laura Taylor Swain on Monday to reject arguments that Rove caused the criminal investigation that led to charges against Robert McAllister.

Siegal said lawyers for McAllister made the "patently absurd argument that the U.S. attorney's office in the Southern District is a shill for Karl Rove and has arrested and indicted their client in some sort of vindictive retaliation." [...]

Well, obviously, I question the timing.

The bad thing about this story? Not that some moron isn't being laughed out of court, but the fact that there is a sizable portion of people who consider themselves smart progressive free-thinking sorts who are nodding their heads and thinking, "Yeah, I bet the US Attorney's office in the Southern District IS a shill for Karl Rove."

And they're SERIOUS.

I figure they probably look--

--just like Iran's President. Big Arm Woman enthralls us with tales of tiny tantrums by the tenured.

[...] One would think that people who have to communicate for a living might understand the importance of reasonable discourse. [...]

An odd confluence...

...of Rhode Island, wolf hybrids, higher education, stupid people, and Alabama, via the ever-vigilant NASA scientist Steevil.

Wolf hybrids -- illegal in state -- seized from URI president's home

BY KATIE MULVANEY
Journal Staff Writer

SOUTH KINGSTOWN -- Cotton and Gabe, two hybrid wolves, are in the care of the South Kingstown pound after being taken from the property of University of Rhode Island President Robert L. Carothers.

The wolf hybrids belonged to Carothers' 19-year-old son Matthew, who recently retrieved them from Alabama, said Dr. Howard Troob, a veterinarian who cared for the animals. A third, Nikita, was euthanized due to heartworm disease.

South Kingstown Animal Control Officer Robert Wilson learned that wolf dogs might be in the area from his Richmond counterpart, Ann Fisher. He found two chained in a small grove of trees off Carothers' front yard at 90 Meadow Tree Farm Rd. on Aug. 9. They howled, rather than barked, upon his approach. A third was loose in Richmond and Matthew was trying to capture it with the help of the police, according to a police report.

State Department of Environmental Management officers seized the animals on Aug. 11 because it is illegal to keep wolf hybrids in Rhode Island without a permit available only to veterinarians and wildlife handlers, reports show. The hybrids are considered wild animals.

At the request of URI's vice president of administration Robert Weygand, who was watching Carothers' house while he was away on vacation, Troob, a URI alum, agreed to take custody of the animals from the DEM and shelter them at the Washington County Veterinary Hospital.

"These dogs came out of the woods in Alabama. I really shouldn't have had them," Troob said. His desire, he said, was to save them from being destroyed.

Uh, Sparky? There are better ways of doing that.

Matthew had gained the animals' absolute trust by camping with them in the woods for three days before bringing them north, he said. One had escaped on the trip.

Oh, sure. They absolutely trusted him. And knew that if times got hard they could always eat him.

"The kid is young and spirited," said Troob.

Or what we call around here, "young and dumb."

Troob inoculated the hybrids and segregated them from the other animals, he said. Though Matthew said the animals had been vaccinated, he could not produce the paperwork, he said. Despite strict quarantine warnings about limited contact with people or animals, his staff had managed to give one of the females a bath, he said.

Seems as though Rhode Islanders have different definitions of both "absolute" AND "strict."

On Aug. 15, Weygand signed euthanasia forms on behalf of Carothers to have the animals put down, police reports show. Nikita, whose age was estimated at 4 to 5, was euthanized on Aug. 22 because she had heartworm disease and due to limited space at possible hybrid sanctuaries, Troob said.

The wolf dogs were transferred to the local pound that same day after Matthew attempted to rescue them from the hospital, Troob said.

"I didn't want to have to deal with that," Troob said.

I have a feeling I know someone else who'd be better off in quarantine.

The two hybrids are now awaiting transfer within the week to the Dancing Brooke Lodge, a sanctuary for wolf dogs in Lempster, N.H.

Pound manager AnnMarie Biegner said the town had kept the situation quiet because they didn't want people stopping by to stare at the animals. A double enclosure was built around their kennels to keep visitors away and quarantine signs were plastered on their cages.

Five-year-old Gabe paced his kennel, staring out intently from his concrete quarters and seeming wildly out of place with the striking markings of a wolf. Cotton, 1, appeared easily spooked and jittery in the neighboring kennel. Pure white with delicate features, she is prone to nervous bouts of diarrhea, Biegner said.

Say--I wonder if either of them would like to be a network news anchor!?

Anyway, I'm sure both of them are probably thinking to themselves, "Sheesh--he gained our absolute trust in those three days of camping, and NOW look at us. Should have eaten him first, and then allowed him to gain our trust."

"I don't see them as a threat, they're not aggressive. They'd just rather be left alone," she said. Matthew, who could not be reached for comment, is not allowed to visit them, she said.

CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S THE VICTIM HERE!?

Robert Carothers explained that his son didn't realize that hybrid wolves were restricted in Rhode Island. He recently moved from Florida where they are legal, he said.

"He's certainly very fond of them," he said. The youngest of three, Matthew will start classes at the Community College of Rhode Island today.

No doubt where he will attempt to gain the absolute trust of co-eds by camping with them for three days.

Carothers said he was not at home when the hybrids were there.

"I feel bad for him but that's the reality he faces," he said.

Police Chief Vincent Vespia, who has worked closely with state veterinarian Dr. Christopher Hannafin, said he did not expect to press charges.

"Our concern now is for the safety of the animals and the safety of the public," Vespia said.

One wonders then why the state passed a law making them illegal to own, if they aren't that gung-ho about actually prosecuting anyone.

Raising hybrids is legal in some states, particularly in the South, said Anna Jeanne Russell, of Dancing Brooke. Cotton and Gabe will join 40 other dogs at the 48-acre sanctuary, she said.

Wolf dogs, she said, are powerful, smart animals who are widely misunderstood.

People "think you can keep them like a dog and they're not dogs," she said, adding that the animals need plenty of space to roam.

Not to be so picky, but it would seem that 1.2 acres per wolf-dog isn't really a whole lot of space to roam. But it's probably better than chained up in the university president's yard.

OOOooooh! This sounds--

--tendentious, yet supercilious. Sent by noted musical arts lover Steevil, who also took note of the steallar qualities of one of the guests:

[...] Chuck D, founder of “Public Enemy� and recognized as hip-hop’s most respected intellectual, kicks off the series on Sept. 12. [...]

Steevil notes that such high approbation in this instance is akin to being the the world's tallest midget.

Steevil's Losers of the Day! UPDATED!

Taking a break from rocket science, Steevil (brother of Dr. Weevil), sends along his picks for Loser of the Day--

Via The Corner, ol' Ez let's us know what the big problem is.

And for the second candidate, more lip-dribble from one of the most industrious members of the Idiot Hall of Fame.

UPDATE: Steevil breaks in with a late entry! I would also like to nominate the Washington Post for including an accompanying picture that has absolutely nothing to do with the article in question.

In fairness--the cleanup of New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf Coast truly is several orders of magnitude more difficult to accomplish than people wish to think, if for no other reason than the huge amount of area involved. Then you add in all the political and bureaucratic idiocy, and it certainly doesn't help things. The damage is difficult to comprehend, and although it might be easy to say more could be done, it is far more problematic to quantify exactly what should have been expected to be accomplished by now.

There are apparently a lot of people who think a year is plenty of time to have everything back and running, but if you just think how long it takes in good times, with a slack labor market, to, say, get a house built--five, six months?

Now think about just how much of the Gulf was blown away.

Even in the very best of circumstance, with a functional bureaucracy dedicated to both assisting the rebuilding AND maintaining the public health, safety, and welfare; with local leaders willing to work hand in hand with state and Federal authorities to lead and make timely decisions; with a funding mechanism that is transparent and expeditious; and with the availability of qualified tradesmen able to do the necessary rebuilding work--NONE OF WHICH ACTUALLY EXIST, EVEN IN THE ABSENCE OF NATURAL DISASTER--the rebuilding effort would STILL be a multi-year endeavor, and it might take an entire generation to recover fully.

It's not a perfect world, though--there is graft and corruption up and down the line, and the supply of labor is tight, and the local political movers have never been anything close to being a model of efficiency. But I can say this, the old adage that 'doing the same things over and over again while expecting a different outcome is the definition of madness' has never been more appropriate. In a disaster of this scale, there is very little to be lost in trying to come up with newer, better solutions that don't rely on the pandering, self-absorbed idiocy of people like Nagin. In a perfect world, rebuilding would take years. In Moronica, it might not ever get done.

As for Nagin's analogy to the WTC, it's inapt and stupid and insensitive. And par for the course. Cats meow, dogs bark, Nagin yammers. But hey, he's the Choice of The People, so who am I to question their wisdom?

Anyway.

That must have been one REALLY--oh, wait. I already used that one.

West Ala. judge arrested on drug charges in Mississippi

58!? Maybe he could find a nice temp job in Oregon.

(By they way--who wants to take bets that at least a portion of his defense will be that he was conducting his own freelance undercover sting operation.)

That must have been one REALLY wide turn...

Oregon driver strikes Alabama skateboarder

It's a very short blurb, but I find it fascinating that the victim is a 29 year old female skateboarder working a temporary job in Oregon. Obviously, it's wrong to stereotype people, but I have this strange feeling that her temporary job was not working as a brain surgeon.

Well, if he's NOT crazy...

...then he sure is stupid for picking the absolute worst time to take a high-speed drive through an airport fence--Man crashes through Fla. airport fence

FORT MYERS, Fla. (AP) — A driver believed to be mentally ill crashed through a fence and led police on a high-speed chase around a runway, endangering passengers on two planes, authorities said.

The car crashed through a perimeter security gate and onto a runway at Southwest Florida International Airport, came close to a Southwest Airlines plane that was taking off Tuesday night and sped under the wing of another plane preparing to depart, authorities said. [...]

The chase began when a Lee County sheriff's deputy showed up at 34-yer-old [sic] Jack J. Brems' Fort Myers home on a disturbance call. A port authority officer picked up the chase after Brems' car crashed through the airport security gate. [...]

Brems' former father-in-law, Dennis Mucerino, said Brems had been treated for mental illness and had recently started referring to himself as Jesus.

"He kept preaching the Bible," said Mucerino, who lives two doors down from Brems in San Carlos Park. "He was coming down to my house. He wouldn't stop talking. You couldn't get a word in. I told him to go away because I didn't like dealing with him." [...]

Just a tip here, folks, but if one of your family members starts getting all Messianic on you, don't let him have the car keys.

I need a tissue...

Feather shortage vexes badminton players

EL MONTE, Calif. (AP) — Among the unsung victims of recent outbreaks of bird flu is the shuttlecock. Chinese geese have been slaughtered by the millions to prevent the spread of the disease, and that has left a shortage of the fine feathers used to make the badminton projectiles.

Only the thickest, heaviest goose feathers from northern China are used to make premium shuttlecocks and sometimes as few as two feathers per goose make the final cut.

But now, shuttlecock makers are having to settle for substandard feathers, and the sport's devotees in Southern California say the birdies they're buying just aren't the same.

"Everybody complains now, 'What's wrong with the shuttle?'" Dan Chien of El Monte said after a practice session at the San Gabriel Valley Badminton Club. "It was goose feather, but now it feels almost like duck."

O, the humanity!

The sport is popular among some Chinese immigrants in Southern California, and the region is home to many of the best players in the nation.

Now, to my mind that's about like being home to the world's shortest giant, but that's probably just me.

Prices have risen 25 percent in recent months, and top of the line shuttlecocks have been going for $25 a dozen as companies compete for limited feathers and players hoard the best birdies.

"If bird flu becomes pandemic, shuttlecock prices could become twofold or threefold higher," said Ahmad Bakar, director of shuttlecock seller Pacific Sports Private Ltd. [...]

Oh, come on now--look at the bright side--if bird flu becomes pandemic, think of how many fewer players there will be!

Anyway, time to drag out the tiny violin.

I suppose it's slightly better...

...than our electronic message boards around here, that usually don't have anything useful on them.

Steevil (who is not a sock puppet) sends along this article about getting the most out of what you've been given:

Emergency Signs Used to Promote Fish Fries

NEWPORT, Ind. Jul 27, 2006 (AP)— State homeland security officials have warned Vermillion County to stop using electronic emergency message boards to advertise fish fries, spaghetti dinners and other events.

Homeland Security, which bought the 11 signs for $300,000, said the county could risk losing federal money. The county has stopped using the signs for the community announcements, and commissioners plan discuss the matter next week.

The president of the County Commissioners said Homeland Security is interfering with local governing.

"We run the county," Commissioner Tim Wilson said. "We make decisions to run the county on what's best for us. Did we misuse (the signs)? Or did we just run the county as we saw fit?"

Hmm. Sounds like someone thinks awfully much of himself. But you know, when you feed at the Federal trough, there is a certain protocol, and believe it or not, Federal rules trump those of Vermillion County. Yeah, hard to believe, I know.

Not to say the Feds are all that smart--I'm still trying to come to grips with the idea that Vermillion County (2000 population: 83,919) needs eleven message boards, considering that Jefferson County has just 14, even though it has a population of 662,000, and serves as the state's transportation hub.

Mother of the Year Nominee!

As well as for "Understatement of the Year"...

[...] "She has a flair for the dramatic," her mother told the newspaper for Tuesday's editions. "I have never tried to stop my children from doing whatever they want. As long as they are happy, aren't hurting anyone, and it's keeping them out of the poor house." [...]

You tell 'em, Mom!

As for the rest of the story, it's really more about her daughter rather than her.

::snort::

Miss Francesca with an overheard conversation--sometimes, you really have to wonder about people.

Speaking of driving...

Two items, actually--Mich. boy, 5, takes off in grandma's SUV

YPSILANTI TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — A 5-year-old boy hopped behind the wheel of a sport utility vehicle and drove it several blocks looking for his mother following an argument with his grandmother, authorities said.

The child was not injured in his short drive last Wednesday, and his grandmother's 2004 Cadillac Escalade was stopped without incident.

The boy, whose full name wasn't released, started the truck, cranked up the stereo and stood on the driver's seat to see over the steering wheel, Washtenaw County Sheriff's Cmdr. Dave Egeler told The Ann Arbor News. [...]

I've said it before and I'll say it again--young drivers should resist the urge to turn up the volume on the stereo in order to keep from becoming distracted.

Next, this one from Lileksland: Minivan crashes during drivers' switch

FULDA, Minn. (AP) — It's probably not a good idea to switch drivers while the vehicle is moving.

The State Patrol said three young people were in a Chrysler Town and Country minivan on U.S. Highway 59 on Monday when they tried to switch drivers while the cruise control was set.

During the exchange, the van went out of control and overturned, sliding into a ditch. The van was totaled.

The driver, 19, was airlifted to a hospital with possible internal injuries. Two passengers were sent to another hospital with head injuries.

"WARNING: Cape does not allow user to fly."

Of Backpatting and Beechcrafts

Tim Blair with a story that makes me wish I was wealthy enough to be as deeply empathetic as Mr. Brokaw.

Someone needs a clue bat.

Jordan persuades 'MySpace' girl to go home

DETROIT - A 16-year-old Michigan girl who authorities say tricked her parents into getting her a passport and then flew off to the Mideast to be with a West Bank man she met on MySpace.com headed for home on Friday. [...]

Katherine disappeared Monday after talking her family into getting her a passport by saying she was going to Canada with friends, sheriff's officials said. She apparently planned to visit a man whose MySpace account describes him as a 25-year-old from Jericho, Undersheriff James Jashinske said. [...]

Shawn Lester told The Saginaw News that her daughter has "never given me a day's trouble. ... I just don't understand with all these new laws protecting America how a 16-year-old kid could get out of the country." [...]

[Emphasis mine] Well, let me explain--it might not have occurred to you to think about it, but none of "all these new laws" [? Ed.] make it illegal for someone to LEAVE THE COUNTRY. Second, you didn't help yourself when YOU WENT AND GOT HER A PASSPORT! That meant that not only could she LEAVE this country, but she could also GET INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY.

However, if you wish, since you somehow think it the responsibility of the government to keep your children within the United States, I will have our Congressional delegation sponsor new legislation requiring that the children of dimwits cannot leave the country.

From the Reality-Based Community

A nice little corker about how sophisticated, tolerant, highly educated, diversity-loving people act.

Obviously, silly junk like this goes on on both sides of the political aisle.

However, I would say that shiftless, no-account, dim-witted conservative-leaning persons who are stuck in dead-end, low-paying jobs should see about getting work as emeritus professors. It apparently doesn't require much in the way of sense, as witnessed by the near constant stream of liberal academics who seem to greatly enjoy putting their stupidity on public display while drawing nice taxpayer-funded salaries.

Man Bites Do--er, well, no--not quite that.

Police: Woman Beats Dog Breeder With Dead Chihuahua

ST. PETERS, Mo. -- Having your new puppy die can be tough. But it may have pushed one Missouri woman over the edge.

Investigators said she went back to the breeder's home and forced her way in. A fight broke out, and eventually the two women ended up on the porch. That's where police say the angry owner used the dead Chihuahua puppy to repeatedly whack the breeder over the head.

According to the Saint Louis Post-Dispatch, the breeder told a neighbor to call police. That led the dog owner to get in her car -- taking the dead puppy with her, which she waved from the sunroof as she drove off.

Police aren't identifying the woman, but said she could face burglary and assault charges. The breeder wasn't seriously hurt. [...]

And here I sat, thinking I'd heard everything.

(Thanks to the crippled Dr. Smith for the news tip, and to Jeff Goldstein for finding that elusive silver lining. And I beg all of you, let's not have any suggestions that "Dead Chihuahua Puppy" would be a cool band name. Because it wouldn't.)

Perpetuating the Stereotype

Saudi national charged with threatening to blow up Delta flight

ATLANTA (AP) — A Saudi national faces charges he threatened to blow up a Delta Air Lines flight because he was upset he was denied a job as an interpreter for U.S. military operations in Iraq.

But the suspect says he was only making a joke while having some drinks. [...]

According to a criminal complaint, Al Suwailem was at Fort Benning on Monday, where he was going through the process to become an Arabic interpreter.

According to the complaint, Al Suwailem was told he would NOT be hired because he was denied security clearance. He was informed he would have to fly home to Idaho the next day on a Delta flight. [...]

Just a tip--if you're a Saudi national turned down for an interpreter's job with the military because you couldn't pass the security clearance, it's probably not a wise thing to go sit in a bar and joke about bombing a plane.

And speaking of idiots...

...one wonders how much good could be accomplished in the world were the Leftist makers of giant papier-mache heads set to work doing things that were actually productive.

And really, just who is impressed by papier-mache?

Thanks for the tip, Mr. Genius!

Zebras viewed as difficult to raise

Why, it's almost as if they're a wild animal or something!

Epidemiology

You know, you can't pick up a computer monitor nowadays without seeing news stories about the obesity epidemic, the diabetes epidemic, the bird flu epidemic, the AIDS epidemic, the asthma epidemic, the knife attack epidemic, the cancer epidemic, the allergy epidemic--on and on.

But you know what? No one ever seems concerned about the stupidity epidemic.

I'm just sayin'.

One for the Reality Based Community...

Via Tim Blair, news that your aluminum foil beanie might be a clever ANTI-anti-mind-control-ray (non)barrier. Or something.

I think--

I'll just stick to roses on our anniversary.

Hollyweird

You know, some people...

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore party in Iowa

You know, when I read that, I kinda thought it was an odd place for celebrity partying--I mean, as far as I can figure, Iowa doesn't have a New York or a Los Angeles. And I imagine they LIKE it that way, especially if it means not having to hang around with a klatch of incredibly immature boors.

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Patrons at a West Des Moines bar were surprised when celebrity couple Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore showed up unannounced and partied until closing time at 2 a.m.

Kutcher is a native of the eastern Iowa town of Homestead and was visiting family with Moore and her daughter, Scout. They received a text message from Los Angeles-based disc Jockey, DJ AM — Adam Goldstein — who was performing at the nightclub Aura on Sunday evening, the couple told bar patrons.

Moore and Kutcher split their time between an isolated VIP booth and the DJ booth, where Kutcher jumped around enthusiastically.

He's just so kewl. And enthusiastic!

They drank Voss water, Red Bull, Heineken and Corona.

Make that SO kewl! Such unobtainable exotica! Of course, you know what they say, you can't really BUY Voss, et al., you can only RENT it!

And when Moore visited the restroom, the bar cleared it for her.

Heaven help her if she'd actually had to pee with a bunch of sloshed cornfed Iowa barflies! The indignity of it all!

Moore was not friendly to those attempting to take pictures, telling them to get away. Some patrons taking pictures were asked to leave the bar.

My goodness, people--can't she and her manchild mate enjoy the fruits of Bacchus and jump around enthusiastically without being pestered by camera-wielding Hawkeye rubes!?

As the bar was closing at 2 a.m. Kutcher tried unsuccessfully to arrange for a helicopter to take his family home.

"I contacted every pilot I know, and I couldn't get a hold of anyone with a helicopter," bar manager Mike Caudle said.

SHEESH! It just FIGURES, dude!

Kutcher also couldn't find a limo on short notice, so Caudle had his security personnel drive the group the 100 miles home in his Cadillac Escalade.

Poor, poor Demi and Ashton. They try so hard to be rilly kewl playmates to 15 year old Scout, and yet they just can't manage to overcome people's insensitivity to their special celebrity needs.

Yet another sign the Apocalypse is nigh...

Paris Hilton plans reggae, hip hop album

Speaking of moral relativists.

And idiots-- Galloway: Blair's death would be justified

By DAVID STRINGER
The Associated Press

Galloway was quoted as saying an attack on Blair that caused no other casualties would be a justifiable response to Britain's support for the 2003 U.S.-led invasion of Iraq.

"It would be entirely logical and explicable — and morally equivalent to ordering the deaths of thousands of innocent people in Iraq as Blair did," the monthly GQ magazine quoted Galloway as saying. [...]

I take it the term "maverick" has now come to mean "unhinged."

Noting that Mr. Galloway was contacted for verification of his quote and was reached while travelling in Cuba, you may recall it was this same Mr. Galloway who was rather cozy with yet another megalomaniacal dictator.

One is reminded of a prime minister's words from an earlier era (who exulted in the euphoria of having been shot at without result) who chastised those who wished to remain neutral to the rising threat of German National Socialism: "Each one of them hopes that if he feeds the crocodile enough, it will eat him last."

Photographic evidence--

--of when it's time to tell your plastic surgeon he's done enough.

A couple of things--

Madonna blasted for concert crucifixion

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Less than 12 hours after Madonna crucified herself on a mirrored cross, the Catholic League expressed its discontent with the concert stunt. [...]

Oddly enough, not by going on murderous rampages through the streets, burning down concert halls, or record shops.

Though [Catholic League president Bill] Donohue said that Madonna "has been spicing up her act with misappropriated Christian imagery for a long time," he thought that her faith in Kabbalah might inspire new respect for religion.

"I guess you really can't teach an old pop star new tricks," he said. "Poor Madonna keeps trying to shock. But all she succeeds in doing is coming across as a boring bigot." [...]

I don't think anyone expected anything more, did they?

It's sad that Madonna, who I think probably does have creative talent on some level, can't come up with anything more hard-hitting than this to demonstrate her various hatreds. And make no mistake--for all her talk about spirituality and open-mindedness, she is full of vituperation and venom. And, strange as it may seem, for the very nation that has allowed her the unbridled freedom to become a multimillionairess able to say and do anything she pleases. Madonna is able to mock Christianisty (and Judaism, with her embrace of the Kabbalah) and America for the very reason that she knows there aren't goverment agents who will throw her in jail, and that her mansions and possessions will be right where she left them. Something like the flea who thinks he makes the lion roar, or the rooster who thinks his crow makes the sun come up, Madonna's inflated sense of self isn't particularly impressive when you look at the bigger picture.

Eh.

And then, there was this--Maines stages apology recall

The Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines apologized for disrespecting President Bush during a London concert in 2003. But now, she's taking it back.

"I don't feel that way anymore," she told Time magazine for its issue hitting newsstands today. "I don't feel he is owed any respect whatsoever." [...]

Uhmm--was there ANYone who believed her initial "apology" was sincere? And is there anyone outside of an elementary school playground sandbox who acts this way? (Well, I mean, outside of the entertainment industry.)

Here, Natalie--here's a buck. Go get yourself an ice cream and you'll feel all better.

Everything you need to know about the dangers of vegetarianism--

Prince voted sexiest vegetarian

We is SAVED!!

Gore in movie campaign to protect Earth

[...] Gore has been hailed as an articulate innovator and mocked as a boring exaggerator. His movie blends the story of his life with a downright scary assessment of global warming. [...]

I, on the other hand, hail him as an innovative exaggerator, and mock him as articulately boring, and look forward to not seeing the downright scary assessment of his life blended with a story of warming globes.

Hey, good luck with that, too.

Bill Clinton to write book on public service

By SARA KUGLER
The Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — After writing an autobiography that sold millions of copies and earned him a hefty advance, former President Clinton has struck a deal to write another book.

Alfred A. Knopf will publish the new work, in which Clinton will focus on public service and individual citizen activism, telling a story that he hopes will "lift spirits" and "touch hearts," the former president said in a statement Wednesday. [...]

Lifting spirits and touching hearts by teaching us about lifting skirts and touching parts.

It's GOLD, baby!

Oh, that's not so bad at all.

McCartney may lose quarter of fortune in divorce

I mean, surely he can spare two bits.

O tempore! O mores!

Models strike in Italy's fashion capital

You people have no idea how hard we pretty people have it!

By COLLEEN BARRY
The Associated Press

MILAN, Italy (AP) — Models refused to pose, photographers stilled their flashes and stylists laid down their brushes for three hours Wednesday to protest the lack of rules governing their industry, which they complain is taking the gloss off Italy's fashion capital. [...]

Internationally known photographer Antonio Guccione participated in the action in a show of solidarity.

"In the 1980s, everyone was here, all of the most famous models and photographers. Everybody worked in Milan." said Guccione, whose photographs have appeared in Vanity Fair, among other magazines, and whose subjects have included Umberto Eco, Federico Fellini and Giorgio Armani. "Now the situation is different. Everyone shoots abroad and our economy has fallen."

Dolci told some 100 participants who gathered during the action that the crisis striking the fashion industry — which he estimated has an annual turnover of euro1 billion ($1.2 billion) a year — also hit other areas, such as hotels, restaurants, museums and taxi drivers.

"The damages are huge," he said. [...]

I go now to weep the hot, hot tears of remorse for this tragedy which unfolds before our very eyes.

Hmm. I suppose this means she WON'T still feed him...

...when he's sixty-four: Paul McCartney, Wife Blame Media for Split

You know, it's a bit hypocritical to seek constant media attention, then complain that it's ruined your life.

From the Abstract Expressionists School of Protest

Protesters pour spaghetti on Dane offices

COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) — Seven young activists were detained Thursday after pouring some 440 pounds of cooked spaghetti and sprinkling tomato sauce on the stairs leading up to the Finance Ministry in the Danish capital, police said.

So, what do you think they were protesting? Imports of Italian pasta damaging domestic pasta growing operations? The lack of oregano in the Danish diet? No tomato sauce for olive oil? Not quite.

The protest was staged against a government proposal to cut state-financed student grants, allegedly to encourage Danish students to finish their education more quickly, the activists said.

"The government's planned reduction ... forces young people to live below subsistence level," they claimed in a statement, mocking the government to set up a "youth buffet on the stairs" of the ministry. [...]

Sorry, maybe I'm just missing the subtle mocking jab at the state here, but if this is the best prank a bunch of college kids can come up with, I think there are some problems in Denmark that go FAR beyond some plan to reduce the amount of money they pay a bunch of worthless commie slackers to go to school.

Similar to my plan for eliminating illegal aliens in the United States, I recommend the Danes declare all universities as state prisons, and then the students will be clamoring to be let out. Once they're gone, close the gates.

What's worse?

Photographer says 'Dame Edna' punched him

A 72 year old comic transvestite punching a photographer, or being the photographer and complaining that you were punched by a 72 year old comic transvestite?

Ready, aim...

Montgomery Mauler team fired by owner

That's right--not a player--the whole team.

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) —
Montgomery's indoor football team has been fired.

They had a football team!?

Amid complaints for back wages, the owner of the Montgomery Maulers has fired the players.

But that doesn't mean Montgomery will be without a National Indoor Football League team.

Whew.

Owner Jamie LaMunyon says an entirely new team will play in Montgomery next week.

She says the new team will have players who played on other teams or didn't make the Maulers during try outs. [...]

Not to be unkind, but exactly what does it say about the level of play in your league if you can afford to fire an entire team, hire an entirely new team, and play a game within a week?

Don't forget...

...your pants.

Of all occupations...

...this is probably the worst one to have if you dislike clothing: Carpenter who works naked is arrested

OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) — A carpenter who keeps his clothes clean by working in the nude was arrested after a client returned home early and found him building bookcases in the buff.

Percy Honniball, 50, was charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure this week for the October incident.

He told officers he stripped before crawling under the client's house to do electrical work because he didn't want to soil his clothes, police said.

Honniball said Thursday that working au naturel gave him a better range of motion and that a skilled craftsman can work clothing — and injury — free.

"In certain situations such as demolitions where you are smashing rock you want to be clothed and protected because this rock can harm you," he said.

True, but I kinda think you might would want some protection from flying splinters and whirling sawblades, too. But maybe that's just me.

Honniball was caught working naked in Berkeley three times in the last six years and put on probation for violating a city ordinance.

Honniball says he doesn't plan to do work in his birthday suit again.

Well, I'm sure this is one of those things people just don't plan. I'm sure it's purely one of those unpredictable moods that hits you as you're swinging your hammer. So to speak.

Police said he apologized to the startled homeowner, but was fired. The homeowner paid Honniball for the finished work, but deducted $200.

"He kept out that amount to change his locks," Oakland Police Officer Jesse Grant said.

Let's just hope Honniball doesn't know any nekkid locksmiths.

(And for what it's worth, I think "Honniball" is probably not the best name if you're going to be in the news with a story like this.)

When Creepy Meets Stupid

Phony doctor gives free breast exams

MIAMI (Reuters) - A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday.

One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said.

Only THEN did she get suspicious!? LOOK AT THIS GUY!! I think I would have been a tad bit suspicious sometime BEFORE he started exploring my naughty regions.

The woman then phoned the Broward County Sheriff's Office and the suspect fled. He was arrested at another woman's apartment in the same Lauderdale Lakes neighborhood on Wednesday, a sheriff's spokesman said.

Nothing like perversionary perserverence.

The white-haired suspect, Philip Winikoff, carried a black bag and claimed to be visiting on behalf of a local hospital.

"He told the woman that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams," sheriff's spokesman Hugh Graf said in a statement.

At least two women, both in their 30s, let him into their homes and he fondled and sexually assaulted them, the investigators said.

Emphasis mine. In their 30s!? I could almost see this if they were confused little old ladies, but just exactly how oblivious do you have to be if THIS GUY shows up at your door and offers to polish your knockers!?

Or, could it be that these were some of those voters who couldn't figure out how to punch a hole in a piece of paper?

Winikoff was not a doctor, Graf said. He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership.

If the shuttle van's a rockin'...

Déjà Vu

I thought this story sounded familiar--Fla. teacher accused of taking bribes

PENSACOLA, Fla. (AP) — A second middle school teacher was arrested for allegedly letting students skip gym class if they paid $1 each day.

Tamara B. Tootle, 39, turned herself in Thursday and faces six counts of bribery, the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said.

Authorities said she told students at Ernest Ward Middle School during the 2004-05 school year that they didn't have to dress for her physical education class but would still receive a 100 percent for participation for a bribe. [...]

Why, that sounds just like...yep, sure enough:

Escambia County School District spokesman Ronnie Arnold said investigators learned about Tootle's activities from Terence Braxton, a former teacher at the same school who was arrested in February on bribery charges. [...]

As I said about Braxton, I'll say about Tootle--you have to be pretty low to shake down kids.

"Yeah, THAT'S the ticket!" Redux

Anniston man, used as expert witness in court, exposed as fake

By JENNY BONE MILLER
The Associated Press

ANNISTON, Ala. (AP) — Robert Madrid had a dream resume. Harvard Medical School graduate. Doctorate from Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Atlantic Coast Conference scholar-athlete. Member of the high-IQ society, Mensa.

The problem was, it really was a dream resume.

The 42-year-old former resident of Glenwood Terrace in Anniston, who has testified as an expert witness in Talladega and Jefferson county court hearings, pleaded guilty in Talladega County Feb. 22 to charges of first-degree perjury. He had been arrested almost exactly a year earlier, after prosecutors discovered that his long list of credentials were fabricated.

"Fortunately, he was discovered before he testified at a jury trial. He could have done some damage to our criminal justice system," said Talladega County District Attorney Steve Giddens.

Prosecutors and friends have compared Madrid to Leonardo DeCaprio's character in the movie, "Catch Me If You Can," because almost everything about his life turned out to be fake, down to the antique engagement ring he gave to his second wife, Selina Volz.

Madrid, a Maryland native, who did not graduate from college at all, according to a childhood friend, was charged with five counts of first-degree perjury in connection with five false statements made during one 2005 civil trial in Talladega.

An indictment said he lied about holding a "Ph.D. in Cognitive Neuropsychology from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology," at a civil case involving the estate of the late Anniston anesthesiologist Dr. John Bryant.

Giddens office plans to recommend a five-year sentence with a year in prison at Madrid's sentencing hearing, set for April 19.

Calhoun-Cleburne Assistant District Attorneys Brian McVeigh and Lynn Hammond discovered that Madrid's purported accomplishments were fabrications as they prepared for an upcoming murder trial.

Something about him, according to McVeigh, "just didn't feel right." They started making phone calls to his claimed alma maters, Harvard and M.I.T. Neither had any record of Madrid even attending. [...]

In high school, Madrid would buy college books and memorize names of professors so that he could approach college women in the nearby bars in the college town where he grew up. He attended the University of Maryland with [childhood friend Edward] Machoskie, but left during their sophomore year. He told friends he was transferring to Georgetown University.

Machoskie and Madrid did not communicate for years at a time, but when they reconnected, Madrid, who lived in Minneapolis and Salt Lake City, claimed to be a millionaire, a conservative radio talk-show host, a convert to Judaism, and president/CEO of Eagle Gate Associates, an auditing firm. [...]

But, apparently, never claimed to be married to Morgan Fairchild.

Impressive!

Springfield to sing at Daytime Emmys

NEW YORK (AP) — Rick Springfield will perform his '80s hit "Jesse's Girl" and other songs at the Daytime Emmy Awards later this month. [...]

Springfield, 56, returned to daytime TV last year to reprise his popular "General Hospital" character, Dr. Noah Drake, which he portrayed from 1981 to 1983.

Brian Frons, president of ABC Daytime, said this year's Daytime Emmys "will be a must-see television experience, and we are thrilled Rick will be opening the show."

"His performance will be sure to create an energy and frenzy that will make for a very entertaining evening," Frons said in a statement.

Energy! Frenzy! SPRINGFIELD!!

It's a shame I'll miss this.

Gosh, Some People are Stupid!

A bit of backstory is in order--close to a year ago (or more, I can't keep up), we had some martinet in the department who promulgated a series of rules for using this new "e-mail" technology. Part of the new protocol was that if you received one of the "e-mails" from someone, you had to reply to it to make sure the person knew you received it. Even if you had nothing to say in response, even if you were just one part in a long chain of addresses, you must write something.

In the spirit of liberty, it was allowed that this response didn't have to be long-winded, and the person who came up with the rules supplied several words one could use to reply, such as "Understood," or "Received," or "Acknowledged." (And no, it was never fully answered if the person to whom you were responding had to answer back YOUR "Understood" with a "Received" of his own.)

So, then, today--I get a courtesy message of a meeting on Thursday, at which my attendance is usually wholly superfluous. I deleted it, seeing as how I have never answered back any of these things unless it really concerns me.

An hour later, someone else on the distribution list decided to send his acknowledgement, and yes, as you can probably guess, he replied to everyone. He used the simple and pointless, "Ack." He's the type of good bureaucrat who just can't ignore orders, no matter how stupid they might be, but he does understand writing out "Acknowledged" burns up valuable nanoseconds that could better be used to enforce other stuff. So he abbreviates. He's clever that way, you know.

Anyway, I just got back from lunch, and there was another message.

Someone else on the distribution list (who, for the record, is not in public service) who had taken the time to hit the Reply All button, and typed up the following:

Huh? What is this Ack?

However much I'd love to believe this is a joke, I know it's not--he's really that dim.

Just remember what Mark Twain said, "It's better to keep your finger off the Send button and people think you a fool, then to click it and remove all doubt."

"And if thy neighbor..."

"...takest him up a ball of red rubber, and whoppest thee upside of thine head, thou shalt not turn thee thy other cheek, but shall hurl him to the ground, and utterly kick him in his bits, yea verily also in his pieces, until he cries out for the brother of his father. Amen." Dodgeball game leads to assault charges

The Associated Press

LIBERTY, Mo. (AP) — A youth minister was charged with assault for allegedly knocking a 16-year-old boy down and kicking him in the groin after taking a head shot from the teen in a dodgeball game.

David M. Boudreaux, 27, was charged Wednesday with one count of third-degree assault. According to court documents, the incident happened in February at Crescent Lake Christian Academy.

Authorities said the teen missed Boudreaux with one throw but then knocked the youth minister's glasses off with the next.

The boy apologized, authorities said, but Boudreaux pushed him backward, and when the teen got up again, Boudreaux kicked him in the groin and left.

The teen suffered whiplash and post-concussion syndrome and had blood in his urine after being kicked, according to court records.

Boudreaux later apologized, prosecutors said.

Jeanne D. Hewitt, administrator of Crescent Lake Christian Academy, said Boudreaux had been placed on administrative leave.

Someone's been reading a bit too much from the Book of Armaments, it seems.

Well, the song DID say...

...he'd been in trouble with the law since the day he and his brother were born:

'Dukes of Hazzard' actor Wopat charged

RINGWOOD, N.J. (AP) — Tom Wopat, who played Luke Duke on the TV series "The Dukes of Hazzard," faces a drunken driving charge in northern New Jersey, authorities said Friday.

Wopat was arrested in Ringwood and charged with driving while intoxicated and reckless driving, said Bill Maer, a spokesman for the Passaic County sheriff's department.

He was pulled from a Ford Bronco Wednesday night after hitting orange traffic cones and nearly striking a Ringwood police car sent to an accident, Maer said. [...]

Boss Hogg could not be reached for comment. Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrain simply stated, "GYUGggigigig!"

And yes, this is as good an excuse as any to call Daisy on the CB and see if she can bring the bail money.

Say, I have an idea!

How would you like a little insight into the type of people I work with?

Sounds like fun, don’t it!

I walked by the refrigerator yesterday (where we have a box for empty aluminum soft drink cans), and noticed the following note taped to the side of the fridge and taped to the wall above the can box (transcribed exactly as written):

To whom this matter concerns:

Thou shall not “STEAL� the Planning Division’s re-cycle able Aluminum cans. This Division is in desperate need of a refrigerator. Re-cycling those cans is one of the ways the subject refrigerator is to be paid for. Therefore this is both a notice and a warning to you. The subject cans belong to the people on this floor only. You may not confiscate these for “your sole profit�. The can crusher should be enough of a clue to you that there is now a guided intended use for the cans. Please be honest and do not take the cans. If you continue to do so, you WILL be caught and its not going to be pretty!

Hmm. Well, you know, insanity rarely is pretty.

"Just when you think you've seen it all," indeed.

Officials: Middle school kids paid $1 a day to skip gym class

By MELISSA NELSON
The Associated Press
PENSACOLA, Fla. (AP) — An Escambia County middle school gym teacher let children sit out his class if they paid a $1 bribe daily, netting the Alabama man perhaps thousands of dollars, officials said Thursday.

Authorities said students paid Terence Braxton, 28, of Atmore, Ala., between September and December. He has apparently left the area and is being sought by detectives, who plan to arrest him on bribery charges.

"It's not bad if you can make an extra $100 a day tax free," said Ronnie Arnold, spokesman for the Escambia County School District. [...]

The official charges accuse Ward [sic. That should read "Braxton." Ward refers to Mike Ward, spokesman for the Escambia County Sheriff's Office. Ed.] of taking about $230 from the six students, but Ward said Braxton's actual take from the 250 sixth-to-eighth-grade boys and girls was girls was likely much greater. [...]

You know, you have to be pretty low to shake-down kids.

Well now, that's a feather in your cap.

Or turban, as the case may be--Pakistani Cartoon Protests Largest Yet

When I see headlines like this, it reminds me of one thing--a plain white business card with the simple inscription: "Wile E. Coyote -- Genius"

::sigh::

Boy, this is just what I DIDN'T want to hear about today. From the school superintendent via e-mail from the school:

02/09/06
Today in a random locker search, a weapon was discovered at Hewitt Trussville Middle School. Dr. Williams [the principal, Ed.] and the School Resource Officer immediately notified Trussville Police Dept. The student involved was immediately detained. At no point were the students or faculty of Hewitt-Trussville Middle School in any danger. The incident has been turned over to the Trussville Police Dept.

The Superintendent and Board will work in cooperation to respond quickly and appropriately. Additional Central Office Administrators will be on site at Hewitt-Trussville Middle School the remainder of the week. Dr. Williams and Central Office Administrators are visiting each classroom and communicating to students that this and other inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated. Consequences will be dealt with swiftly and severely. Our #1 priority is that students attend school in a safe environment.

About the only positive thing in this is that the school has the willingness to send this to parents before they hear about it some other way; and that no one was hurt.

Talk about living up to your own expectations...

Steevil, brother of Dr. Weevil, and someone who reads a lot, sends along this link to a Houston Chronicle story, and notes wryly--"not a promising start to a news story." I would have to agree.

By KIM COBB
Copyright 2006 Houston Chronicle

NEW ORLEANS - When Hurricane Katrina hit, Ivory "B-Stupid" Harris was living at 2800 Perdido, the parish jail. It was his home away from home. [...]

Steevil also notes that perdido is Spanish for "lost."

And in other Stupid People news...

Blast mars Super Bowl celebration in Colo.

SHERIDAN, Colo. (AP) — A couple planning to set off their own Super Bowl pyrotechnics accidentally blew up their own car while transporting a balloon filled with an explosive gas.

Norman Frey, 46, and his companion suffered busted ["busted"!? I don't suppose I should be surprised. Ed.] eardrums in the explosion Sunday as they drove to a Super Bowl party, according to the Arapahoe County sheriff.

The balloon had been filled with acetylene, a flammable gas used in welding, and it had rolled across the back seat, possibly causing static electricity that ignited the gas. The explosion broke windows, bent doors outwards and pushed up the roof about a foot.

"Looking at the car closely, it's amazing that these people weren't killed," Sheriff Grayson Robinson said.

Several people reported the explosion, but when a deputy arrived, Frey and the woman had abandoned the vehicle.

The license plate led them to Frey, who faces a felony charge of possession, use, or removal of explosives or incendiary devices. The woman will not be charged, authorities said.

O! The humanity!

A couple of thoughts--you know, that must have been one BIG balloon. And apparently there is no law against stupidity in Arapahoe County, seeing as how they had to charge the moron with the felonious use of an explosive device.

I blame Hollywood.

Well, that, and people who just generally having a strong streak of idiot in them.

Anyway, I blame Hollywood the most for their cockeyed insistence on perpetuating the idea that you can get anywhere in a building by using various ductwork. Might as well try to go through the plumbing.

You know, for my part...

...I think all the alliteration in the headline is a bigger crime: Possum Possession Puts People in Peril

OWEGO, N.Y. (AP) - That's according to New York's environmental conservation laws, which say it's illegal to possess wild animals without a state permit.

A Binghamton-area couple found that out after they had rescued a baby opossum they found in their back yard.

Tina and John Laskowski of Owego were hauled into court after a state conservation officer was tipped off that the couple had adopted the tiny marsupial a few months ago. They named the injured opossum Webster and nursed him back to health.

Webster was turned over to an animal rehabilitator when the couple was charged with possession of small game without a permit.

A town justice found the animal-lovers guilty and sentenced them to an unconditional discharge.

State wildlife officials say wild animals can carry diseases and even little critters can become aggressive as they grow older.

Van O'Cain, New Media Manager

Hard to believe anyone would be such a busybody as to turn these folks in for nursing a baby animal back to health.

Nothing pains me so much...

...as to hear that the jackbooted totalitarian government with which we now find ourselves encumbered refuses to acknowledge that basic fundamental human right of full citizenship for imaginary friends.

How dare those mean people not allow imaginary friends to ride along with us as we go about our daily chores!

Next thing you know, they'll be saying you shouldn't let them drive while you take a nice nap on the way home at the end of the day!

Who will we be able to blame when things go wrong?!

WHAT WOULD ATLANTA RHYTHM SECTION SAY!!?

Don't be surprised when someone tries the same thing here.

Judge to Rule on Merit of Christ Case

By MARTA FALCONI, Associated Press Writer
2 hours, 38 minutes ago

VITERBO, Italy - An Italian judge heard arguments Friday on whether a small-town parish priest should stand trial for asserting that Jesus Christ existed.

The priest's atheist accuser, Luigi Cascioli, says the Roman Catholic Church has been deceiving people for 2,000 years with a fable that Christ existed, and that the Rev. Enrico Righi violated two Italian laws by reasserting the claim. [...]

Cascioli claims that Righi's assertion constituted two crimes under Italian law: so-called "abuse of popular belief," in which someone fraudulently deceives people; and "impersonation," in which someone gains by attributing a false name to a person.

"The point is not to establish whether Jesus existed or not, but if there is a question of possible fraud," Cascioli's attorney, Mauro Fonzo, told reporters before the hearing.

Cascioli says the church has been gaining financially by "impersonating" as Christ someone by the name of John of Gamala, the son of Judas from Gamala.

He has said he has little hope of the case succeeding in overwhelmingly Roman Catholic Italy, but that he is merely going through the necessary legal steps to reach the European Court of Human Rights, where he intends to accuse the church of what he calls "religious racism." [...]

And you thought...

...Alabama's legislators were a bunch of venal do-nothings content to find creative ways of sucking up tax dollars. Tsk, tsk, you cynical person, you!

Look at what we have now! Alabama Senate votes to make black bear official state mammal

By PHILLIP RAWLS
The Associated Press

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — Alabama has an official bird, insect, reptile and amphibian, but no official state mammal. State Sen. Pat Lindsey wants to change that by giving official recognition to the black bear, a rarely seen animal that lives primarily in southwest Alabama.

On Thursday, Lindsey, D-Butler, got the Senate to vote 25-0 for his legislation declaring the black bear as the official state mammal. His bill still must be passed by the House and signed by the governor to become law.

Lindsey said school children in Escambia County suggested the legislation, and he decided to pursue it because "we've got everything else." [...]

PREACH IT, BROTHER! And let's not sell ourselves short--there's PLENTY of everything else we can be officializing--let's go through and come up with an official state everything! Official State Pastime? MISLEGISLATING!

Anyway, aside from the obvious stupidity, there's the whole issue of "why the black bear?"

Keith Guyse, assistant chief of the wildlife section of the state Conservation Department, said Alabama has a long-established population of black bears west of the Mobile Delta near Saraland. Studies have indicated there are less than 50 bears in that area, he said.

In addition, probably 20 bears have wandered from east Tennessee and northwest Georgia into northeast Alabama, but they haven't settled down and establish a bear population like those in southwest Alabama, he said.

The bears tend to keep to themselves and are rarely seen, although one recently made big news. Deer hunter Kenneth Scoggin of Chunchula reported he shot and killed a 165-pound female bear on Nov. 25 after it ripped the skin off his knee.

Some states allow the hunting of black bears, but Alabama has not since 1940. Killing a bear in Alabama — except in self-defense — can bring a fine of up to $5,000 and up to a year in jail.

The black bears in Alabama tend to be small, typically weighing about 120 pounds, Guyse said. "There are no real big ones. One that weighs 200 pounds is a big one," he said.

70 scrawny black bears. You know, for an official state something-or-other, wouldn't you at least want something, I don't know, special? Most abundant? Biggest? Smallest? Funnest to play with? Something that people actually associate with Alabama? Why not deer? Got enough of those, that's for sure--and they tend to weigh more than the bears. Coon dogs? Bobcats? Squirrels? Possums? Hey, what about People? Why not make humans the state mammal!?

From the "Am Our Childrin Lerning" File

Ohio high school porn homework canceled

BROOKLYN, Ohio (AP) — A high school research assignment on Internet pornography was canceled after parents in this Cleveland suburb complained.

Superintendent Jeff Lampert said that although the teacher's apparent goal — to discuss the harmful effects of pornography — was well-intentioned, he agreed with parents that the assignment was inappropriate for 14- and 15-year-old freshmen at Brooklyn High.

The assignment asked students to research pornography on the Internet and list eight facts about pornography. Students also were asked to write their personal views of pornography and any experience they had with it.

Lampert said he doubted the teacher would face any punishment.

"BILLY! You've been in there for an hour! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"Uh--HOMEWORK, Mom!"

You know, I wonder about people sometimes. And then I have to stop, because it makes my head hurt.

Stories I stopped reading after the first twenty words.

Pamela Anderson Takes Aim at KFC

FRANKFORT, Ky. Pamela Anderson is leading a charge to remove a bust of KFC founder Colonel Harland Sanders from the state Capitol. [...]

Hehehe. "Bust." ::snicker::

Which reminds me--it's lunchtime. Time for a nice big chicken breast.

Ever'body gotta have a hobby, I suppose, but...

...this is a bit more than I'd be interested in taking up for relaxation.

Although, in fairness, it's probably a lot cheaper than messing with old cars.

You go, girlfriend!

Oprah dismisses claims about Frey memoir

Tell it, sister! And I might be speaking out of turn, but I've heard her next book club author will be Tommy Flanagan!

Yeah, that's the ticket!

(They DO have a past, you know...)

The Duke of Cleveland, eh?

And he would have gotten away with it, except for those meddling kids.

Eww.

For what it's worth, be sure to stick me in the ground when the time comes.

"Ars gratia artia," Great Big Igmoranus Edition

Artist chains feet in desert, loses key

BAKER, Calif. (AP) — An artist who chained his legs together to draw a picture of the image hopped 12 hours through the desert after realizing he lost the key and couldn't unlock the restraints, authorities said Wednesday.

Trevor Corneliusien, 26, tightly wrapped and locked a long, thick chain around his bare ankles Tuesday while camping in an abandoned mine shaft about 5 miles north of Baker, San Bernardino County sheriff's Deputy Ryan Ford said.

The Baker-area artist often sketched images inside mines in the Southwest.

When he finished his chain drawing, he realized he would have to seek help in Baker, the deputy said.

"It took him over 12 hours because he had to hop through boulders and sand," Ford said. "He did put on his shoes before hopping."

Anyone care to wager on if they were Birkenstocks?

Corneliusien finally made it to a gas station on the edge of Baker. He called the Sheriff's Department, which sent paramedics and deputies with bolt cutters.

Corneliusien's legs were bruised, but he was otherwise in good health, Ford said. The artist did not have a listed phone number and could not be reached for comment.

And the drawing?

"He brought it down with him," Ford said. "It was a pretty good depiction of how a chain would look wrapped around your legs."

Which is just what the art world has been crying out for.

In a similar vein, I will be offering a set of high-quality lithographed prints I have created, illustrating "How String Would Look Wrapped Around Your Finger," "How Pants Would Look Wrapped Around Your Ankles," "How String Would Look Wrapped Around Your Pants," "How Chain Would Look Wrapped Around the Chain-Spool-Thingy at the Hardware Store," "How Leonardo Da Vinci Would Look Wrapped Around Your Refrigerator," and "How Your Money Would Look Tucked in My Wallet."

Operators are standing by. With bolt cutters.

Eugene Volokh...

...chats with the locals so you don't have to.

And trust me, that's a VERY good thing.

One more for the Stupipalooza!!

Ex-officer charged in Taser shooting of partner

They argued on patrol, prosecutors say

December 8, 2005
BY BEN SCHMITT
FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER

A fired Hamtramck police officer was charged Wednesday with assault and battery for allegedly discharging a Taser weapon at his partner last month during an argument in their patrol car.

Ronald Dupuis, 32, of Allen Park was charged with the 93-day misdemeanor by Wayne County prosecutors. He is making arrangements to be arraigned, possibly later this week, according to Hamtramck Police Chief James Doyle.

Dupuis, a 6-year employee, is accused of firing the Taser at his female partner during a Nov. 3 argument.

Doyle fired him about a week later.

A police report indicates Dupuis and his partner, Prema Graham, began arguing after Dupuis demanded she stop the patrol car at a convenience store so he could purchase a soft drink. Graham wanted to get back to the police station and drove past the store.

At some point, the pair began arguing and struggling over the steering wheel, according to the report.

At one point, Dupuis used his department-issued Taser weapon to strike Graham in the leg near the intersection of Holbrook and Conant, prosecutors said.

She was not seriously injured. [...]

::sigh::

Well, gee whiz--it must just be Stupid People Day.

Iran's Ahmadinejad casts doubt on Holocaust

By Paul Hughes
Thu Dec 8, 9:26 AM ET
TEHRAN (Reuters) - Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Thursday expressed doubt that the Holocaust occurred and suggested Israel be moved to Europe.

His comments, reported by the official IRNA news agency from a news conference he gave in the Saudia Arabian city of Mecca, follow his call in October for Israel to be "wiped off the map," which sparked widespread international condemnation.

"Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces and they insist on it to the extent that if anyone proves something contrary to that they condemn that person and throw them in jail," IRNA quoted Ahmadinejad as saying.

"Although we don't accept this claim, if we suppose it is true, our question for the Europeans is: is the killing of innocent Jewish people by Hitler the reason for their support to the occupiers of Jerusalem?"

"If the Europeans are honest they should give some of their provinces in Europe -- like in Germany, Austria or other countries -- to the Zionists and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe. You offer part of Europe and we will support it," he added. [...]

Yeah, well, I'm sure he's just being quoted out of context.

(I will hand it to him, though--the European speech repression laws are pretty ridiculous.)

Oh, and speaking of stupid people...

Train Driver Sacked Over Nude Photo

A train driver has been sacked after stripping off while at the controls of an express train.It is believed that the driver used his mobile to take a naked picture of himself on a Sheffield to London train, which he was operating at 125mph for Midland Main Line.The driver is believed to have sent the picture to a Midland Main Line employee, who alerted bosses.

A Midland Main Line spokeswoman said: "The driver was suspended straight away while we held a full investigation.

"The driver has now been dismissed. Safety is, and always will be, our main priority."

According to The Sun, the sacking of the driver is part of a wider problem.

It reported that a number of drivers had been stripping off shortly before passing other trains.

They were then allegedly alerting their colleagues and encouraging them to look at them as they sped past one another.

Obviously, one must consult the Book of Pythonania for an appropriate excerpt. Ahh, yes--from the Parrot Sketch:

[...] Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.
Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
Attendant: No, this is Bolton.
Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.
Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop! [...]

Very well.

If only this meant...

...the end to those annoying Geico commercials.

How very odd.

Tenn. school principal recants on beating

Pitiful. Here's the story of the "attack" itself from back on November 9--he managed to put himself in intensive care!

When you read things like this...

Sen. Specter Defends Terrell Owens

You pretty much figure Mr. Specter needs something else to do. Preferably, somewhere other than "serving" in Congress.

A warning to parents.

'Belligerent Drunk Man' gets into fight

Look, when you give your kid a name like that, things are just bound to turn out bad.

Plugged up!

A new crazy screaming guy's out in the park this afternoon.

He's standing at the top of the big flower bed shaped like Alabama. Big guy, dressed in a big orange shirt with a baseball cap and shorts, and carrying a portable microphone with speaker.

He's just a'screaming. Can't quite tell what about, although I heard something about "dressing up" and a hallelujah. I figure he's probably got something against Halloween, but you know, if you look like a big round orange pumpkin, it tends to dilute your message.

Even if you do have a portable speaker and microphone.

And speaking of birds...

...there comes this: Scrushy movie in negotiations, his lawyers say

Dickie Bird Fills the Silver Screen! I can hardly wait. But on to the "story"--

Friday, September 16, 2005

RUSSELL HUBBARD

News staff writer

Lights, camera - Scrushy!

Reminds me of the "Just JACK!" line from Will and Grace, but whatever.

Richard Scrushy lawyers Donald Watkins and Jim Parkman say they are in talks with Hollywood screenwriters and movie producers interested in turning their story into a feature-length film.

"We have met with directors and actors well known to the American public," Watkins said. "It is a David vs. Goliath story, and a tale of seemingly divergent personalities coming together to win the battle nobody said could be won."

Using millions of dollars paid by the defendant; dollars gained in what even the defense acknowledges was a massive fraud scheme. Meaning that the proceeds paid to the defendant for his salary, and stock options, and loans, and various other honoraria and love offerings wasn't actually fairly gotten, and, in fact belong to the people who were defrauded. But hey, WHO CARES! GREAT PICTURE IDEA, right!?

About two weeks ago, the pair met in Hollywood with star actor James Woods and Todd Slater, executive producer of the 2004 film biography of musician Ray Charles, Watkins said. Also at the table were Rodney Stone, who produced the 1991 biography of basketball star "Pistol Pete" Maravich, and Harry Thomasson, a Bill Clinton confidante and co-creator of the 1980s television hit "Designing Women."

Meetings with potential screenwriters are scheduled later this month.

"Hollywood figures are gripped by this story that played out in Birmingham," Watkins said. [...]

I've no doubt Hollywood figures are gripped, which says a lot about Hollywood, doesn't it?

I will say this, though--James Woods? If he's in it for the Dick role, that's GOLD, BABY! No one plays oily megalomaniacal psychopaths quite so well! Except for maybe Chris Walken. AND you got some Clinton pie in there, too?! Pure, solid, 24k GOLD!

"Anything dramatic is of potential interest to audiences," said Richard Walter, chairman of the screenwriting program at the UCLA school of theater, film and television. "Great dramatic art always has memorable characters."

The Scrushy tale might qualify.

I sense a very large contribution going to the UCLA school of theater, film, and television. It is something of a leap, however, to go from memorable character straight to great dramatic art. Using them together in the same sentence doesn't guarantee results. I mean, just look at Weekend at Bernie's Two.

The former CEO flew airplanes, played in bar bands and said he wanted to be the highest-paid executive in corporate America while running HealthSouth. Lawyers Watkins and Parkman also put their ample personalities on display during the trial.

To put it mildly.

Walter, whose students include the screenwriters of "Sideways" and "War of The Worlds," said the corporate/courtroom thriller hasn't lost steam with film studios.

`A nice-lookin' fellow':

"It's tried and true, a perennial," he said. "That genre will never go away."

Translation? "I'm telling you it hasn't lost steam so you won't believe what you're seeing from box office receipts. Because you know that, and I know that, but HE doesn't know that, and if there's that much walking around cash to spread around, why shouldn't it go to a few deserving members of the creative community, right? Right!"

Scrushy has also had feelers about movies, the former CEO said.

You know, I have always thought of him as having feelers, and now it has been confirmed. OOOOH!! I know--another creapy greasy guy like maybe Jeff Goldblum! You know, that fly movie he made!? You could have him be like, a hospital CEO, and he's like, rich, and does experiments, and a fly lands in some test tube, then on him, and he starts turning into a fly, and the FBI arrests him for insider trading and stuff, and he hires a lawyer, and in court, the CEO starts turning into a fly and Tom Cruise is there and he starts screaming and OOOOH! Catherine Zeta-Jones! Her and Tom Cruise are a legal team, and they've got to defend him because the FBI and the Securities and Exchange Commission are trying to railroad him because they want to steal the secret fly formula so they can find Osama Bin Laden, so they want him in jail or a box or something, and Catherine Zeta-Jones starts falling in love with him, but he looks at her and says something about even though he's rich, he'll still be turning into a fly all the time, and she is conflicted, because Tom Cruise tells her that they have a duty to defend him but he thinks he might just be misleading them about the fly experiments and so then they have Joe Peschi come in and he plays like the guy who was the lawyer in My Cousin Vinny, and they manage to all get the fly CEO off, and the FBI gives him his own private island in exchange for the formula. GOLD, BABY!

"We've had people call us," he said. "We've been approached by various agents and people who have a relationship with that."

Scrushy added that he doesn't know who should portray him, but that it should "probably be a nice-lookin' fellow."

Well, that's just so true. And let's hope they find someone who looks good no matter if he's wearing a cowboy hat, mullet and cheesy mustache, or nice slick Pat Riley hair.

As for Watkins and Parkman, they plan to retain significant editorial control over any project they assent to, possibly as co-producers. That's because they want to tell the story of the relationships between the lawyers and their winning strategies, as well as the more oft-heard tales of corporate excess and greed the former finance chiefs described on the witness stand.

"The interesting thing is how we all came together from different legal backgrounds and won the case," Parkman said. [...]

Ummmyeah. Anyway, there probably needs to be a car chase, too. Like having the fly driving really fast through town to get away from the Feds. 'Cause that's really important to the story, too, you know. Oh, and we probably need to find a way to get some cleavage in here, too.

[...] Neither Parkman nor Watkins plan to appear in the film, although Watkins said Denzel Washington "would be about the right fit" to play him.

Or possibly the mechanical shark from Jaws.

Anyway, it should be quite the thriller. OOOOH!! MICHAEL JACKSON COMEBACK VEHICLE! He could play Watkins! GOLD, BABY!

Well, it's about time, darn it!

Federal Judge Declares Pledge Of Allegiance Unconstitutional

NOW, ON TO THE MONEY! We've erased the scourge of "under God" and once we get rid of "In God We Trust," why, then, ol' buddy-boy, we'll FINALLY have a--umm, well, EVERYTHING WILL BE WONDERFUL and, ahhhh, well, THE SUN WILL SHINE AGAIN and, and...FOR THE CHILDREN!

Idjits.

And another thing...

Mr. Dershowitz--you began your snotty tirade in the Puffington Host with these words: "My mother always told me that when a person dies, one should not say anything bad about him. My mother was wrong. History requires truth, not puffery or silence, especially about powerful governmental figures. And obituaries are a first draft of history. [...]"

Well, you're right--your mother was wrong. She should have said "only cowards say bad things about someone who just died." You've had several months now to make these points while the guy was still alive, and yet you save them up to tar him when he's not around to give response. You could wait a few months--as far as I know, the teacher hasn't asked for your first draft today. But, you must show yourself for what you are.

You sir, are a poltroon.

This is news!?

I was eating lunch and just got this CNN breaking news alert on the email: "New Orleans flood waters contaminated with e. coli, official in office of Mayor Ray Nagin tells CNN."

This is a surprise? This is news? Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that not only is the water contaminated, you shouldn't drink it, either.

The Medium of Seeds.

And here I was, thinking that folks over on the leftward reaches of the political spectrum needed to get a life. Then it comes about, quite by accident, that I see things like this, and realize that I have been so very wrong all along.

And yes, it would be rude of you to complain that the seeds could have been planted to grow food for a poor family, or the many hours lovingly gluing each one on the board could have been spent serving soup to homeless people. You just don't understand.

And we don't 'need' people, either, apparently.

New exhibit at London Zoo - humans

Point at which I stopped reading? Got all the way to the third sentence, almost--

LONDON (AFP) - London Zoo unveiled a new exhibition -- eight humans prowling around wearing little more than fig leaves to cover their modesty.

The "Human Zoo" is intended to show the basic nature of human beings as they frolick throughout the August bank holiday weekend.

"We have set up this exhibit to highlight the spread of man as a plague species [...]

If you think of yourself as a plague, I'd rather not be around you. Or read what you have to say.

I also found the photo caption amusing--"Scantily-clad volunteers mimic homo sapiens [...]". Well, yes. I would imagine that if this is your idea of a good time, you probably ARE just mimicking other human beings.

Just what the doctor ordered.

New med school proposed for city

ANNA VELASCO
News staff writer

The presidents of the Jefferson County Commission and Miles College are trying to drum up support to start an osteopathic medical school, hoping to address doctor shortages in rural and low-income urban areas and to boost the number of minority physicians.

Doctors of osteopathy, or DOs, are licensed physicians but have different training programs from MDs. [...]

Well, there might be a reason for the difference--from the Skeptic's Dictionary:

[...] Andrew Taylor Still (1828-1917), a Civil War surgeon in the Union army, is credited with discovering osteopathy as an alternative to the medical practices common in his day, practices which failed to save his three children from spinal meningitis. Still became convinced that he could cure diseases by shaking the body or manipulating the spine. In his autobiography, he says he could "shake a child and stop scarlet fever, croup, diphtheria, and cure whooping cough in three days by a wring of its neck" (Barrett). He also advocated clean living, including abstinence from alcohol and medically prescribed drugs. Surgery was to be avoided, if possible. [...]

Well, bless his heart.

As for me, I'd rather not have any of my tax dollars going to support such an endeavor, ESPECIALLY when there are so many other worthy projects that require funding, such as my perpetual motion machine factory.

Remember this...

...if you're a couple of psychopathic murders who just shot up a courthouse, it would probably be better to keep acting like that if your getaway cover story is that you're on your way to an Amway convention.

Cabbie: Amway Tale Didn't Wash

(CBS) When taxi driver Mike Wagers picked up a couple outside Cincinnati Wednesday, he had no idea authorities considered them armed and extremely dangerous.

He had no clue they were wanted in Tuesday's escape from, and fatal shooting of a guard at, a courthouse in Kingston, Tenn. And he had no way of knowing he was about to become a key player in their capture. [...]

"The cover story they gave me didn't really seem to wash too much," Wagers told The Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith Thursday. "I mean, I could kinda see through that. But I had no indication that these guys were really dangerous or they were on the run."

They claimed they were heading to a sales conference of Amway, the household goods manufacturer. But, says Wagers, "They didn't strike me as the Amway type, because, to be honest, they weren't very pushy about their product. And I've dealt with (Amway salespeople) before. So that was my only real suspicion. [...]

Somehow, I don't think the Amway people are going to like this.

From the "Dog bites man" file...

Odd, I think...

...that this ad is running in Japan. You know, what with there being all that freshly harpooned whale meat around.

I suppose it's a lot harder to look cute while balancing a cute furry whale chick on your knee.

FLORIDA!

Land of pickup trucks, alligators, and idjits!

Thanks to the ever vigilant Janis Gore for this one--Police: Man made up murder story

OCALA - A man made up a story about killing a hitchhiker and burying the body in the woods in an effort to persuade his wife to leave him, authorities said.

Teddy Claire Akin, 28, of Ocala was charged Tuesday with making a false report and petty theft. He was being held without bail.

Teddy, you might want to consider doing something like not bathing or finding another woman to make her leave you. Just a thought.

Akin's wife, Felicia, called the Marion County Sheriff's Office on Monday to report that her husband had told her that he killed a hitchhiker, authorities said.

Akin told investigators he had picked up the hitchhiker, who wanted a ride to Tampa. He said he hit the man in the neck, causing him to gasp and make a gurgling sound, when the two got into an argument over how far Akin would drive him, authorities said.

Akin said he dumped the body in a forest near a gun range and kept the man's wallet, which contained the license of Utah resident Dennis Legrande Allen, authorities said.

Well, give him this--when he makes up a story, he adds lots of colorful detail and such like to give it that ring of truth.

Deputies searched the area Akin described with dogs and an air unit but failed to find a body Monday evening, Capt. Thomas Bibb said.

Akin eventually told investigators that he was going through a divorce and had hoped the murder story would make his wife leave him, said Sue Livoti, a sheriff's office spokeswoman.

Akin told investigators he found the wallet on top of a newspaper stand. Investigators reached Allen in Utah by phone; Allen said he did not know Akin. [...]

And that's probably for the best.

Sometimes, you know, it's best just to be patient and listen to some music.

"As numb as your brain," indeed.

Kenny Smith sent me this link to this tender, heartwarming story of a mother's love for her child. A mother who has obviously had a terrible struggle in life, seeing as how she is saddled with an IQ in the low single digits.

As I told Kenny, there would seem to be better ways to earn money than through permanent facial disfiguration.

On the other hand...

...this is one of those that just makes you shake your head--Pastor arrested for hoax kidnap note at Fort Payne restaurant

It's too long to excerpt, and it bears a complete reading for the fullest effect.

I don't suppose they'll be eating out again anytime soon.

::sigh::

I can't even work up a YEAGGGGHHHH for this one--Dean Answers Cheney's Barb About Mother

BOSTON - Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean, responding to criticism from the vice president, said he doesn't "care if Dick Cheney likes my mother or not."

The vice president said in a recent interview that Dean was not the type of person to lead a political party and mentioned the chairman's mother.

Doc, he wasn't making fun of your mother--he was making fun of YOU!

Dr. Dean is probably the only person alive when faced with the schoolyard taunt of "You're so ugly your mama had to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you!" responded by shooting back, "How DARE you speak of my mother like that!"

The thing to have done would be to start a "Moms Who Love Howie" group--have a big bunch of women who look like Barbara Bush on the steps of the Capital, all giving Dean big kisses and apple pies.

Pop Culture Primer!

If you're like me, you always want to be tapped into what the youngsters are up to nowadays so you can interact with them on their own terms, and build better intergenerational connections. It's always so much fun to "hang" with your "homeboys" and be thought of as "cool" and "with-it." Man.

So, in an important public service, I will help you understand what all's going on with our youth. Your first bit of "411"?

This is an example of the hand signs that say, "I am a big dolt. True dat."

You're welcome!

Schadenfreude

Two PETA employees arrested in N.C.

"We will be appalled," indeed.

When Grounding Takes on an Even More Literal Meaning

14-year-old steals aircraft from small airport

FORT PAYNE, Ala. (AP) — Police say a 14-year-old boy is in juvenile detention today after he apparently decided he wanted to fly a Cessna aircraft.

Fort Payne Police Chief David Walker said the Rainsville youngster was apparently wandering around the Fort Payne Municipal Airport when he found a set of keys inside the cockpit. [...]

Walker said the boy started the plane's engine and after driving around the runway he took off. Police estimate the teen flew about five minutes and then landed. But he took off again and flew the plane over areas of Fort Payne for nearly a half-hour.

When the boy attempted to make a second landing, he barely missed a fence. Seconds later, according to police, the plane's engine died causing it to make a hard landing on a road near the airport.

The boy, who told police it was his first-ever flight, suffered only minor injuries.[...]

You know, that could have turned out much worse.

So, what's this about being cruel to the disabled?!

Well, you KNOW how I am. Kicking crutches out from under invalids and such. I suppose my life of insensitivity to the suffering of others was bound to catch up with me.

I have thought about what happened yesterday and have tried my best to let it perk and distill and clarify so that I can recall it without dipping into churlish defensiveness and my vast hidden store of invective. However, I found there was no way I could recall it without once again becoming rather annoyed at the poor, poor Victim-Americans out there.

SO, if you don’t like it when I get all mean to stupid people, or think that somehow stupid people should get a pass if they’re handicapped, or would just rather go do something else rather than read a tiresome screed of little global importance, please keep clicking around up in the blogroll upstairs for some other diversions.

For the rest of you, buckle up...

5:20 p.m. Downtown Birmingham Main Post Office.

I had some letters to mail, and they were in big envelopes, so I had to go inside to buy postage for them. This time of the afternoon, the place is busy with folks on the way home doing the exact same thing, so the parking lot does get sorta busy. There was a line waiting all the way out into the driveway. Finally got up the little hill and started looking for a place, following a gold-colored late model Chrysler minivan.

The van pulled into a place up ahead, and I thought it had grabbed the only empty space on that side, right there at the building sidewalk. But, then I noticed that it had pulled into a handicapped space, and there was one regular space just to the right that was empty. Sweet!

Pulled in, and heard a horn blow. Couldn’t tell where it was coming from, of course, because I was still in the van. Opened the door, and heard it again, this time noting that it was coming from the gold Chrysler. I looked in and saw a woman in the driver’s seat, and just then the sliding door started opening and I saw she had a ramp van. The horn continued to blow--sporadically. Was she trying to get my attention? I walked up, then back a bit and looked in the passenger side window--“Me? Hello, did you need me?� I pantomimed and pointed to myself--“Ma’am, are you blowing at me?� She never would look my way. Just kept that horn blowing, and I figured that it wasn’t me she was trying to signal, but maybe it was a warning for the ramp coming down. I stood there another moment, and decided she didn’t want me for anything. I walked in, and the horn blew some more.

Went to the scale and started the process of weighing each envelope and buying a 60 cent “stamp� for each. Stamp? Almost as big as the darned envelope! All the while, the horn outside was blowing--HONK. HONNNNK. HONK. HONKHONK HONK. HONK. I wondered what in the world she could be doing out there. I continued to weigh and buy and push buttons at the self-serve station when I noticed in my peripheral vision that there was as woman in a wheelchair behind me. I tried to hurry up a bit so I could get out of the way so she could have her turn, but the whole process with these machines isn’t quite as intuitive as it should be.

“Sir? Sir?!�

I turned to my right, “Yes ma’am?�

“Sir, you parked too close to my van. I couldn’t use my wheelchair ramp.�

“Oh, well, I’m very sorry, ma’am--I tried to get your attention--that’s why I was standing there at your window and asking you if you needed--�

“Well, you parked too close to me. But I don’t suppose you really care about the difficulties of disabled people.� Said as she turned and rolled off. “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but I didn’t realize I was in the way.� She never looked back or acknowledged what I was saying.

::sigh::

I turned and went back to my stamping, because, you know, what could I do? I’m not going to create a scene in the post office with some wheelchair lady. I apologized for a slight I had not tried to cause, and for one that I had tried to remedy as best I could at the time.

Afterwards, as I have run this back and forth through my mind, I have tried my best to put myself in her situation, and to think how I might have reacted.

Which is why this little episode just burnt me up.

Let me say this to you, woman--you might have a bit of learning to do yourself.

You see, just because YOU are in a wheelchair, doesn’t mean YOU are the top dog when it comes to empathy for the disabled. You have no right to sit there and think that because the person standing there at the stamp machine pissed you off, that your disability automatically makes you right. Think about this--with the advances made in prosthetics, that chubby guy at the stamp machine MIGHT have had two artificial legs. I know I’ve seen people walking around and you’d never know they had prosthetics. I could have been one of those people. So maybe you should hold your tongue about such things.

And you probably didn’t realize that the person you were talking to was “disabled� in the past. Yes, back in the bad old politically-incorrect days when crippled children were called “crippled children.� I had to wear a rigid leg brace and a built-up shoe for four years--from 1st grade to 4th grade--back when there were no such things as special seating for the disabled, or nice low ramps, and back when some people would wonder out loud if you might be some sort of mentally retarded child. I did recover, I can walk now, but it’s not like you could ever say I don’t know what it’s like. I do. And of course, now that I have hypertension, you know, if I felt like it, I could get my doctor to sign the form so I could get a handicapped sticker for my cars and park in the same parking spaces you use. But I don’t want to.

More sensitivity? Well, you also probably never stopped to think what that mean old fat guy does for a living. See, although I’m a lazy bureaucrat now, when I was on the private side, one of my areas of expertise was working to retrofit buildings to comply with the Americans with Disabilities Act. Personally, I think the ideas of universal accessibility make good business sense (despite thinking that making the tenets of that philosophy a civil rights law was a very bad idea), and doing all that work gave me an appreciation not just for making things accessible for persons using wheelchairs, but also accessible for a whole range of physical disabilities.

And it’s not like I just did one or two buildings.

No, I did a bunch.

Including United States Postal Facilities throughout Alabama.

Including the Main Post Office building in downtown Birmingham.

Yep--that automatic door, those curb ramps, those low thresholds, and indeed, those four parking spaces delineated outside for handicapped access--I drew those up. And guess what, dear lady--there was a parking space SPECIFICALLY DESIGNATED for van parking just on the other side of the required 8-foot-wide loading space from the parking spot you chose. You see, most wheelchair-bound people who drive ramp vans KNOW to use the van space, because it is INTENDED to give you sufficient maneuvering room on the passenger side so you can get your chair in and out with no problems. That you chose to use the wrong space is NOT my fault.

And let’s get something straight, here, toots. I didn’t park too close to you. I parked in a legal parking space that just happened to be next to a handicapped space.

Now, you might not think that’s right, and you might not appreciate that when I went outside after all this was over with and noted that my van was further away from the line on your side than it was on the passenger side, but let’s be perfectly clear--I could have parked ALL THE WAY UP TO THE LINE IF I WANTED TO. That whole entire space belongs to one car, and that’s just the way it is.

As it was (and as it always is) I tried to park centered in the space--it’s just a lot easier that way. But I parked where I was supposed to. Why didn’t you? And hey, I’m sorry you had to back up a bit and pull over to the left--I’m sorry because again, you seem too dense to understand the purpose of the VAN ACCESSIBLE SPACE designation.

So, to recap--you parked in the wrong space. The fact that someone dared to park in a space beside you--DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT CAUSED YOU INCONVENIENCE--is no indication that that person is insensitive to your needs, or to the needs of the larger community of differently-abled persons. Quit wallowing in your self-pity. You want to live as part of the mainstream community? Fine, quit blaming others for your own ineptitude. Quit playing the victim/oppressor game. Quit assigning guilt to those who honestly meant you no harm. And lay off that danged horn.

Oh really?

Taliban chief: Bin Laden alive and well

Maybe so. Or not. I do know it's been an awfully long time since we've heard any scratchy cassette tape recordings of his disembodied voice. And let's face it--in a world awash with video recorders, it just seems chintzy of him not to favor us with a viewing. Maybe holding the latest edition of a newspaper.

Not to say that Islamist terror isn't still a real problem--it is. But it also is, and always has been, much larger than just Bin Laden. The breathless denunciations and smug castigations from certain quarters, spouted by those who seem to take perverse pride in defeatism, miss the point. If he's dead, we can't catch a ghost, and to continue to give him attention gives him unnecessary credence. If he's alive, he's been rendered ineffectual by our efforts, but continued obsession directed solely at him again gives him more credit than he deserves, and distracts from the broader goals we should be fighting for.

Anyway, for what it's worth, even if he is alive, I bet he doesn't get to walk downtown at lunch and go have lunch with his friends. What sort of victory is that?

One can only hope.

Jackson Won't Share Bed With Kids Again

One also hopes that this doesn't have an addendum, such as, "But Has No Qualms About Sharing the Floor," or "Sleeping Bags Still Just Fine," or "Defines 'Kids' as Women Over 18."

Well, it's all very much a mess. But given the outcomes of the O.J., Kobe, and Baretta cases, I suppose it's not at all surprising. Neither is this corker from one of the jurors--Juror: Jackson 'Probably' A Molester. Why not convict him?

Well, according to that article, the jurors didn't like the mother, who can safely be called a grifter of the highest order.

[...] Juror No. 5 said she remembered the woman snapping her fingers at the jury. The juror said she thought to herself, "Don't snap your fingers at me, lady."

Another juror said she wonders why the accuser was allowed to stay with Jackson so long -- saying no mother "in her right mind" would let her child just go off and sleep with someone, Michael Jackson or anyone else. [...]

Yep, she was after something, and maybe she even thought by selling her child to a freakish wealthy pedophile, she might be able to hit the bigtime. Sort of a sick symbiosis--one feeding his lust for small boys by preying on the sorts of people who find him fascinating; the other feeding her lust for money and reflected fame.

But it still seems clear to me that despite the appearance that Jackson was being set up for extortion, he made it awfully easy to do. Like crack to Marion Barry, some things are just too hard to resist for some people, even if it is a setup.

Anyway.

Just one suggestion...

Crowe uses Letterman visit to apologize

By DAVID BAUDER

The Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — A chagrined Russell Crowe apologized Wednesday for throwing a telephone at a hotel concierge this week, saying he reacted poorly to being a lonely family man away from home.

"This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life," the Australian actor told David Letterman. "So to actually make a new number one is spectacularly stupid."

Crowe, in New York to promote a new movie, was angered by a malfunctioning phone at the Mercer Hotel at 4 a.m. Monday, so he threw it and struck a concierge in the face. [...]

"Hopefully at some stage, I'll be able to apologize directly to Nestor but at the moment, he's not answering his phone," Crowe said.

Crowe acknowledged what most tabloid readers already know: that he has a temper problem.

"But at the same time, I also have, in the moment, infinite patience, you know?" he said. "We had nine rooms in that hotel over a period of seven days and everybody was having the same problems."

Crowe is married to actress Danielle Spencer and they have a 17-month-old son. With the time difference with Australia, reporting back home can be rough, he said.

"I'm, you know, trying to fill my basic obligations to my wife who needs to know that I'm at home, I'm in bed, I haven't had too much to drink and, primely important, that I'm alone," he said. [...]

Hmm. Well, I suppose some people's infinite is shorter than others.

In any event, I have to offer one suggestion. Now, I realize I am not a multimillionaire movie actor jet-setter, but there are these nifty gadgets now called "cell phones" that allow you to call just about anywhere. I realize the roaming charge might be a bit high, but have you ever made a long-distance call from a swanky hotel? And since these new cell phones are so tiny and light, they aren't nearly so damaging to others when thrown at their head.

Anyway, just a thought, Russ.

I think if I lived anywhere near Port Richey, Florida...

...that I would never again set foot in Fletcher Music Center at Gulfview Square Mall, nor would I ever buy anything from anyone named Scott L. Heyder.

Sorta makes one pine for the olden days, when there was a much more ready supply of hot tar and loose feathers.

Maybe it's just me...

...but this probably isn't the best look to sport in court.

Although I will say Phil looks remarkably like Everyone Loves Raymond co-star Doris Roberts.

Kinda late to start thinking rationally.

Pilot thought jets would shoot him down

WASHINGTON (AP) — The pilot of a plane that was intercepted by the military earlier this month said Tuesday he thought he was going to get "shot out of the sky."

"There was no doubt in my mind," said Hayden L. "Jim" Sheaffer, who also revealed that he was handcuffed and interrogated by federal authorities when he subsequently landed his single-engine Cessna aircraft May 11 in nearby Frederick, Md.

Appearing on NBC's "Today" show with his lawyer, Sheaffer, who has had his pilot's license suspended, held his thumb and index finger about an inch apart to dramatize how close he thought he was to being shot down. [...]

After reading the whole article, I think his thumb-forefinger gesture might also be an indication of the size of his brain.

NOW THEN!

I hate errands.

ANYWAY, the next thing I have to look forward to this afternoon is our Monday Morning Staff Meeting, which has now seemingly become a moveable feast of ineptitude.

For nine years, the staff meeting was at 8:30 Monday morning, until my betters decided they wanted to meet first before filthing themselves with the peons. So, it was decreed they would meet first, and then they would come and dispense wisdom from on high to us at precisely 9:30. Which never has worked out.

Why? Because the Big Kids' meeting can run as long as deemed necessary to insure everyone has had some buttockissing. SO, it can be 10, 10:30, or maybe like today, at 1:00 p.m.

Why even bother?

TRADITION!

OOoooh--bad mojo!

Russellville mother charged with threatening child's teacher

The Associated Press

The mother of an elementary school student was jailed and may be deported as an illegal alien after being accused of threatening her daughter's teacher.

Police Chief Chris Hargett said Aurora Mercedes Soto, 43, of Russellville, has been charged with making a terrorist threat and second-degree assault. He said she commented that she was going to "hire a witch to put a spell on her and if that didn't take care of her, she was going to take care of her herself."

Officers went to Soto's residence to arrest her and at that time she said something to her 9-year-old daughter in Spanish, and the child attacked the officer, Hargett said. [...]

I just hope they don't use the spell-casting as part of the charge against this loon.

More importantly, though, if you believe in spells enough to go pay good money to hire a witch, don't you think you should have enough belief in what you paid for to not feel the need for a backup plan? I realize it's probably hard to get good spell-casting witches nowadays, but surely a little good word-of-mouth would lead you to someone with some kind of written guarantee and nationwide warranty.

I'm just saying.

Trust me--

--whenever I manage to lop off a digit, I promise I won't show it to the girls in the office, even if they ask.

(Although I might sell it for Volvo parts.)

Awww, poor artists.

Artists concerned tattoos losing nonconformist lure

Because, you know, only nonconformity is true art.

I imagine it (that being the sudden concern) also has something to do, not necessarily with nonconformity itself, but with the type of people who've picked it up. I mean, if it was just cool conformists, the poor tortured artists types might be okay with it. But when it's Junior's 90 year old mee-maw sporting a new rose ankle tattoo and showing it off at the Supercenter, well, that's just too much.

My suggestion for non-conformists wannabes? Get a job, cut your hair, shave, bathe, and dress like me. I promise you, you will be unique in amongst your arty friends.

Somehow, I feel less than confident about a good outcome...

Senate Tries to Untangle Oil-For-Food

Obviously, the search for truth will be subverted by a search for a way to blame your political opponent. (Expect to see Robert Byrd trembling with much anticipation and dementia.)

Hmm. Wonder if she'll ask for the reward money?

Finger Traced to Woman Who Blames Wendy's

Zero Intelligence Watch

Yes, I realize it's a shameless rip-off of Best of the Web. Sorry.

ANYway, I just saw this one and had to just shake my head--Band banned from performing 'Louie Louie'

The Associated Press

BENTON HARBOR, Mich. (AP) — A pop culture controversy that has simmered for decades came to a head when a middle school marching band was told not to perform "Louie Louie."

Benton Harbor Superintendent Paula Dawning cited the song's allegedly raunchy lyrics in ordering the McCord Middle School band not to perform it in Saturday's Grand Floral Parade, held as part of the Blossomtime Festival.

In a letter sent home with McCord students, Dawning said "Louie Louie" was not appropriate for Benton Harbor students to play while representing the district — even though the marching band wasn't going to sing it. [...]

Dawning said that if a majority of parents supports their children playing the song, she will reconsider her decision.

"It was not that I knew at the beginning and said nothing," Dawning said. "I normally count on the staff to make reliable decisions. I found out because a parent called, concerned about the song being played."

"Louie Louie," written by Richard Berry in 1956, is one of the most recorded songs in history. The best-known, most notorious version was a hit in 1963 for the Kingsmen; the FBI spent two years investigating the lyrics before declaring they not only were not obscene but also were "unintelligible at any speed."

::sigh:: Okay, I figure I'm about as prudish and uptight of an individual as I can be, but this is just stupid. Unless the marching band is also going to sing and not play, and not sing the real lyrics but someone else's dirty made-up lyrics, in which case the woman would have a point.

It might also help her out if she took a moment and read the Snopes article. (Yes, I'm relying heavily on the Mikkelsons today.) A word of caution--the Snopes article does have a nasty (non-original) version of the lyrics, so be warned, because it IS lewd.

By the way, if we start making it against the rules to play catchy tunes that might have some unsavory lyrics to go with them, it might be worth remembering that the tune for the National Anthem is based upon "To Anacreon in Heaven," which itself was full of rather bawdy lewdness.

Put THAT in your lockbox!

Gore to get lifetime award for Internet

By ANICK JESDANUN

The Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — Al Gore may have been lampooned for taking credit in the Internet's development, but organizers of the Webby Awards for online achievements don't find it funny at all.

In part to "set the record straight," they will give Gore a lifetime achievement award for three decades of contributions to the Internet, said Tiffany Shlain, the awards' founder and chairwoman.

"It's just one of those instances someone did amazing work for three decades as congressman, senator and vice president and it got spun around into this political mess," Shlain said. [...]

Oh, give it a rest, Tif. It got spun around because Mr. Excitement said something stupid and got called on it, and didn't have the ability to do damage control.

And whatever he did to promote funding for Internet research is all fine and good, but let's remember--IT WAS MY MONEY! Nothing irks me more than to see politicians rifle my pockets for small change, then crow about the wonderful coin collection they have assembled.

Anyway, for the real straight-setting of the record, this September, 2000 article from Snopes.com does a much better job of setting out what Electric Al did or didn't do.

Well, everybody thinks it's fun until someone gets hurt...

Explosive found by sheriff in Decatur

DECATUR, Ala. (AP) — A pound of homemade explosive found at Funland Self Storage in Decatur could have caused considerable damage and possible death if detonated, authorities said. [...]

Governor Moonblog.

Jerry Brown enters world of blogging.

Yes, that Jerry Brown. The article is one of those that is entirely self-parodying, both for the subject of the article and for the inane pretentiousness of the author, leaving me not much else to say except..

...who cares?

Whatever.

Just saw this one--Guerrilla Art Group Mocks Exclusive L.A. Enclaves.

Hey, maybe it's just me being an old fart, but if they really wanted to be edgy and philosophical, why not have a guerilla art group that mocks the entire idea of there being such a thing as guerilla art groups?

Idjits.

"One of these days, Alice...BANG ZOOM!"

Panhandle man who `mooned' jurors competent for retrial

PANAMA CITY, Fla. (AP) — A defendant who dropped his pants to "moon" a jury has been ruled mentally competent for retrial on charges he beat his girlfriend.

Cornell Jackson, 31, tried to persuade Circuit Judge Michael Overstreet that he was crazy and not faking mental illness at a hearing Tuesday but to no avail.

"I ain't in my right mind," Jackson insisted. He also told the judge: "I am going to the moon. The spirits are gonna take me to the moon."

Jackson, accused of attacking a former girlfriend on consecutive days in 2000, was convicted of armed burglary, aggravated battery and aggravated assault at two trials although he missed the first one and part of the second. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison.

He declined to attend the first trial and was removed from the second in July 2003 after shouting "cuckoo" and displaying his bare buttocks to jurors. [...]

Probably best to drop the act rather than the pants once you get in the stir, Cornell. Just sayin'.

FINALLY!

All these years, that whole thing about "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound" have driven me up the wall--but now, I know!

Sen. Jeffords Won't Seek Re-Election

No.

UPDATE: Or rather, who cares.

Serves 'em right.

From Snopes.com, how not to get a great deal on a laptop.

Priorities--always the priorities.

MOBILE, Ala. (AP) — A Mobile woman has been jailed on charges accusing her of driving her vehicle into two cars and a pedestrian before fleeing on foot, bringing along her 6-year-old son while carrying a bottle of wine.

Police Cpl. Marcus Young said Yanique Mauldin, 32, abandoned her vehicle and ran from officers Sunday afternoon.

Mauldin, who is already on probation for an assault conviction in 2004, was held on charges including felony leaving the scene of the accident, resisting arrest and misdemeanor DUI. [...]

::shaking head::

Obviously, just because they arrest someone doesn't mean--

that he's guilty.

Man suspected of being I-65 flasher caught naked

EVERGREEN, Ala. (AP) — A man who allegedly has been flashing motorists on Interstate 65 for months was caught in a police chase when a tire blew out on his getaway vehicle. He was wearing only tennis shoes.

Mark D. Estis, 45, of Calvert was arrested after motorists reported seeing a naked man just before 10 a.m. Thursday on the interstate, about 9 miles southwest of Evergreen.

Alabama Bureau of Investigation Agent Doug Darby spotted a suspicious vehicle. Conecuh County Sheriff's Investigator Tyrone Boykin said he arrived to help Darby just as Estis, wearing only tennis shoes, emerged from woods and got into the vehicle.

Estis sped off, Boykin said, but was caught after one of his tires blew out.[...]

"He told us he had been doing this about a year, and said he had problems and wanted help. He didn't say what made him start," Boykin said.

Then again...

How do you know the U.N. Oil for Food scandal is real?

Annan: US, UK Also Bear Blame in Oil, Food Scandal

Because Kofi's trying to weasel out of culpability by blaming someone else, of course!

The article is one long series of finger-pointings, with the sort of Annan-whininess that has all the lasting importance of a toddler slapfight.

Okay, big boy--you want the U.S. and Britain to really be in charge? Get out of the way and let us run things. Don't like it when the U.S. and Britain don't do what you think is their job? Stand up and say something.

Kinda like what Lee Iacocca used to say--'lead, follow, or get out of the way.'

Really, now!

Punters Bet on Old, European, Conservative Pope

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and offer my own prognostication that he will be Catholic, too.

Pitiful. Just pitiful.

Woman charged in Girl Scout cookie theft

MALCOMB DANIELS
News staff writer

A Shelby County woman with a history of writing bad checks has been charged with theft of $4,848 in Girl Scout cookies.

The Shelby County Sheriff's Department charged Doris LeAnn Taylor, 33, of the Shelby community with one count of theft by deception, Sheriff Chris Curry said Thursday.

Taylor, a Girl Scout cookie mom, is accused of ordering 3,020 boxes of cookies and then failing to return either money or cookies to the Girl Scouts of Cahaba Council, which serves seven counties. Cookie moms are mothers who take responsibility for supervising sales by a group of Scouts. [...]

Ruby Cox's daughter sold some of the cookies that earned money Taylor is accused of keeping.

"To lie to innocent people is wrong, but to steal from the Girl Scouts is ungodly," Cox said.

Laying it on a bit thick, there--stealing in general being one of the 10 original ungodly things, after all. But anyway, the kicker--

According to court records, Taylor pleaded guilty in more than a dozen cases of writing bad checks in Jefferson County, dating to 2001. She also faces eight bad check charges in Shelby County.

Marjorie Davis-Stephan, spokeswoman for the Girl Scouts of Cahaba Council, said the information Taylor provided on a form required to become a cookie mom didn't raise any red flags. [...]

Well, you figure there's probably not a space on the form there for check-kiting convictions.

I bet there'll be one from now on.

The Shelby County District Attorney's Office plans to prosecute Taylor's case, said Bill Bostick, chief assistant district attorney.

Taylor was released from jail on a $20,000 bond. If convicted, she could face a sentence of two to 20 years in prison. Attempts to locate Taylor for comment were unsuccessful.

I can imagine so.

As a very wise man once said to me, "It takes all sorts, but you wonder why there are so many of that sort."

Who?

Most Dean activists don't back Kerry, Gore

Bless their little hearts. And with the recent time change, they're an hour even MORE irrelevant.

But, of course, there is always hope. I hear Dewey supporters are planning on mounting a strong comeback effort for '08.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Oh, give me a break.

Fla. sheriff used records to find critic

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Orange County's sheriff used driver's license records to contact a woman who wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper citicizing his staff's use of Taser stun guns and describing him as fat.

Some say Orange County Sheriff Kevin Beary violated federal privacy law when he had his aides use the records to get the address of Alice Gawronski. He sent her a letter accusing her of slander.

Well, first off, Chunky--it's not slander. Slander is spoken, libel is written. But that's beside the point--

It is illegal to access a driver's license database to obtain personal information, except for clear law-enforcement purposes, under the U.S. Driver's Privacy Protection Act of 1994.

"I recently read your slanderous remarks about the Orange County Sheriff's Office in the Orlando Sentinel," Beary wrote Gawronski on March 23. "It is unfortunate that people ridicule others without arming themselves with the facts before they slander a law enforcement agency or individual."

I suppose it's not worth going over the idea of slander again, is it? But as for arming yourself with the facts, why look in the license database?! Aren't there such things as telephone books if you want to harrass someone? Or Google?

Gawronski said, "I thought I was exercising my First Amendment right of free speech — expressing an opinion in an open forum about a paid public official." She considered Beary's letter a form of intimidation.

"If I were her, I'd sue and get him in front of a jury. He'd probably get laughed out of the courtroom," said Chris Hoofnagle, the senior counsel for the Electronic Privacy Information Center.

And with a name like Hoofnagle, he's probably heard his share of laughter. But here's where we have to get the chest waders on--

But sheriff's spokesman Jim Solomons said using a database to respond to a resident's concern is well within Beary's official duties.

Surely to goodness, Jim, you don't think this little response is the type of response this resident was seeking, do you? I mean, no one can be that dense.

The issue arose when Gawronski's letter appeared in the Sentinel on March 10, expressing concerns about Taser stun guns.

In her letter, she referred to a news conference when Beary allowed himself to be zapped with one to demonstrate its safety. Seeing Beary "in an obvious state of duress" convinced her the stun guns should not be used, she wrote.

Gawronski also wrote that Beary appeared overweight and suggested that if deputies were more fit, they might not need to resort to zapping suspects.

Okay--now one for the other side. Taser guns probably do have some risk of causing death, but you have to remember they are intended to be used to subdue someone who DOESN'T WANT TO BE SUBDUED. What--would you rather the cops go ahead and start blasting? Yes, it looks bad to watch someone be tasered, but it's a lot less gruesome than having to pick up their innards from off the street.

Hey, it's fine if you don't think they should be used, but there aren't a lot of alternatives that work as well. Which is what She'ff Heavybottom should have dashed off to the newpaper letters to the editor column--NOT to the letter writer.

Beary said he was a victim of slander.

I think we have establishacated that by now.

"During my Taser incident, I was never under any duress," he wrote Gawronski, adding that his heart activity was monitored by a doctor. Before the test, the 5-foot, 10-inch Beary estimated his weight at 290 pounds.

I'd say he was a victim of too much gravy and biscuits, and this is said as someone who has been very close to that level of undertallness.

Anyway, end result--Tasers aren't the worst thing in the world--they are much less deadly than a 230 grain slug in the center of mass.

Using a license database to hassle a citizen who disagrees with you isn't part of a policeman's job.

Slander is not the same as libel.

Fat cops who get offended by being called a fat cop shouldn't be either.