Possumblog

It has been brought to my attention...

...that the last time this page changed, it was an entirely different month.

What’s the old saying? “Time flies when you’re having so much garbage to shovel that after the first hour you’d already gone through the entire gross of flimsy plastic sporks they gave you and so afterwards you had to make do with both hands and a torn Ziploc bag, not that it matters, because the garbage pile grows logarithmically, and to help out, a large array of new garbage spewing machines has been set up in a pleasing pattern about you so that no matter where you look, a cascading rainbow of effluvia splatters all around with an annoying, thrumming, ‘ta-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa’—” oh—wait, that’s not how it goes, is it?

No matter. Anyway, it’s been busy here, which is good considering the amount of non-business going on in other parts of the economy, but the genial watercooler quip about at least having job security still doesn’t ring quite true. You never really know what could be around the corner, other than it’s probably large and hungry and full of teeth. Something about having parents who grew up during the Depression does that to you.

So, anyway, work continues.

Family? Yep, they still exist. School’s about out, which is weird, because they started in August, and that was just last week. All the kids continue to grow up—Boy’s now nearly a head higher than me. Luckily, I can still take him, since I outweigh him by another him. He just got back from a band cruise that stopped in Cozumel, so he had to go get checked for the flu because of the cough he had. Caused by staying in the pool nearly the entire trip. No flu, no strep. And he didn’t get swept overboard or have his guts liquefied by either Mexican water or a contaminated salad bar or get caught up in the crossfire of a drug cartel gun battle. All of which are things parents imagine happening until said child is back at home. He had a bad sunburn, too.

Tiny Terror got herself an iPod Touch. She’s been saving her money for months and months now, and after all that saving and a robbery of the Great Crayon Bank, she’s now part of the iGeneration. Pretty cool little tool. The iPod, that is.

Middle Girl is still rockin’ right along—just finished up soccer season, still working at the vet’s office, still making good grades (they all do, but she seems a bit more driven to do her work).

Oldest has finished her first year of college. For long-time readers, you can all pretty well imagine how it went. For first-timers, you don’t really want to know.

Miss Reba is still working too much, but it’s not as bad as it was. Or at least it doesn’t seem that way, looking at it from the outside.

As for other stuff, I just don’t have enough excess brain capacity to ponder much more than the fundamental things of remembering to wake up each morning, brushing my teeth, and making sure I have on most of my clothes. Every couple of days I see something that angries up the blood and makes me want to launch a tirade, but then I have to get back to shoveling. Like, right now, for instance.

Staging a Comeback!!

As you all know, my overall site visits have been effectively cut in half since around April (as have a lot of other bloggers), due to some kind of jiggery-pokery Google has done to suppress hits for blogs in general (and I think non-Blogspot blogs in particular, but that's for another day's conspiracy-mongering).

Anyway, aside from the obvious effect fewer readers has on my rather fragile ego, the side-effect of this work by Google is that I also have been getting many, many fewer odd search requests, nearly drying up an entire Possumblog category, "Fun With Referrer Logs!" There IS no fun when there are no oddballs stumbling in here unawares.

THUS IT WAS WITH GREAT GLADNESS that one such person came crashing in, searching for meteer that's gonna blow earth up. Not JUST odd, but Possumblog is the NUMBER 1 result!

I once more feel that my arduous toil is not in vain! As opposed to, oh, say, our recent guest inquisitor.

ANYway, never being one to allow a visitor to leave without some satisfaction that his or her inquiry was worthwhile, I will say that the Earth-Blowin' Up Meteer IS on the way, and everyone should send me $100 apiece so I can get to work on my Anti Earth-Blowin' Up Meteer Defense Fence.

Thank you for your support.

Fun With Referrer Logs!

People come to Possumblog for many reasons.

Disturbed people come to Possumblog for many other reasons. Such as this fine person who wonders: Are there giant chocolate Easter bunnies called Maryann and Ginger

Yes. Yes there are.

A font of wisdom.

Yep, that's Possumblog.

How else to explain why anyone would think of coming here based upon the question: Is there anything that is manufactured in pantyhose that would smell when new?

It's because they know they'll find the answer here, that's why!

And the answer is "yes."

I lead a very sheltered life.

Witnessed by the fact that I had no idea what in the world anyone would be talking about when they stumbled upon Possumblog with the search query of: danny gray buttcrack flame seats for sale

Sounds luridly frightening, I must say.

HOWEVER, upon doing a bit of research, I found out that Danny Gray is a highly-respected maker of custom motorcycle seats, one model of which just happens to have the title of Butt Crack, and said model available with a variety of custom stitching upon the seat surface, including the sought-after flame-pattern stitching.

As I said, I lead a very sheltered life. Thank goodness for the Internet.

All things to all people.

Often I am startled to see just how people find their way to Possumblog, because anything with the name possum or blog in it doesn't seem like exactly the best way to find out much of anything. BUT, I suppose my carefully wrought reputation as a fount of all knowledge has grown over the years, so that now this humble site is even your source for crossword puzzle answers!

Sometime last night a person in California was searching for a ruler of the middle east + em*. Now, I don't know exactly how they got to Possumblog with that, seeing as how it's not even one of the returned results.

Maybe it was just fate.

In any event, it does appear the person was trying to complete a crossword puzzle, and so allow me to finish the result. A Middle Easter ruler beginning with "em" would be "Emo Phillips."

You're welcome!

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Well, I get all kinds, don't I?

Several hours ago had a Down Underer who was looking for weevil and bob pie.

Those wacky Australians. Everyone knows weevils go in cookies, not pie!

This one had me stumped, as well as Google, and so I got to thinking maybe they were looking for some sort of liquored-up dessert of some sort, so I looked for some 'weave and bob pie', which also didn't really work, and some 'bob and weave pie', which didn't work, before finally hitting on the idea that someone out there had come up with a variation on the Tipsy Cake.

Sure enough, our good friends at Crisco actually have a recipe for Tipsy Pie! Now, they seem to be having server issues right now, so this recipe is taken from the Google cache of the site.

TIPSY PIE
Makes One 9-inch Pie
8 Servings

Crust

9 -inch Classic CRISCO Double Crust

Filling

1/4 cup butter or margarine
2 cans (29 ounces each) sliced cling in heavy syrup, drained peaches in heavy syrup, drained
1 -1/4 cups whipping cream
1 -1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup peach schnapps
1/4 cup bourbon
1/4 cup cornstarch

For crust, prepare (see Classic Crisco Crust recipe). Roll and press bottom crust into 9-inch pie plate. Do not bake. Heat oven to 375ºF.
For filling, melt butter in large saucepan. Add peaches, whipping cream, cinnamon and nutmeg. Cook and stir on medium-high heat until mixture comes to a boil. Add brown sugar. Reduce heat. Simmer 15 minutes. Add schnapps. Combine bourbon and cornstarch. Stir into peach mixture. Cook and stir until mixture comes to a boil and thickens. Lift peaches from sauce with slotted spoon, gently shaking off excess. Place in unbaked pie crust. Discard excess sauce. Moisten pastry edge with water.
Roll top crust same as bottom. Lift onto filled pie. Trim 1/2 inch beyond edge of pie plate. Fold top edge under bottom crust. Flute. Cut slits in top crust to allow steam to escape.
Bake at 375ºF for 35 to 40 minutes or until filling in center is bubbly and crust is golden brown. Serve barely warm or at room temperature. Refrigerate leftover pie.

Note: Pie can be baked at 325ºF in convection oven if desired.

Now--the obligatory disclaimer--I don't drink alcohol of any sort, but I'm not averse to using it for cooking flavor. Obviously, there is a problem of purchasing such flavoring agents--it can be very difficult to explain yourself in case you are seen leaving a booze establishment with clinking bundles of the Devil's elixir under your arm, so I advise religious people to find themselves a Episcopalian or Catholic friend to go buy it for them. (Sorry--that's an old joke.)

ANYWAY--I thought I had cleared up that little mystery, but thought I might better do just a tiny bit more research.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT that there is, in the Land of Bouncing Marsupials, a comic named Bob, who has a comic sidekick known as Weevil!? Maybe I just need to get out more, but I must confess never having known about the flashy Bob Downe, nor anything about his compatriot:

[...] For this show Bob is joined by Gabby Millgate, best know to international audiences as Muriel’s sister (“You’re terrible, Muriel!�) in the 1994 smash hit “Muriel’s Wedding�. Gabby plays several characters during the show including Bob’s ‘World Vision Sponsored Child’ Weevil, from a third world suburb - Yadonga (say it slowly), who is a cross between Eminem and Dennis the Menace. According to Bob “I expected to receive a lovely photo and he turned up on the doorstep.� Their Torvill and Dean inspired skating routine brought tears of laughter to audience eyes. [...]

The Internet is truly an alarming place.

In which I am once again called upon...

...to play "Mr. Owl" to the Internet's "little kid who wants to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop."

Prompted by this query from a Googler who wants to know: percentage of people who finish home study courses after quitting and restarting them for a second time

One, two-HOOO, three...

Three.

But then...

...I get a nice Asian visitor searching for valuable information who managed to find Possumblog, and I feel cozy and warm all over.

Fun With Referrer Logs!

It's been a while, and I'm not sure why I have not been getting as high quality of odd search requests lately, but then, one like this comes along and my faith in the Internets is restored.

We have a seeker today wanting to know where are Steve and Jaime Austin of the six million dollar man today. And they had to WORK to get to Possumblog, seeing as how it was the 108th result.

FAR BE IT FROM ME to allow such a diligent person to suffer the indignity of ignorance for a second longer!

Steve and Jaime Austin currently live in Sedona, Arizona, where they have a small real estate business as well as a shop that sells local craftware. Steve likes to get up every morning just before sunrise for a 10-mile jog and then returns five minutes later for a nice hot cup of coffee. After arising from the comfort of her Sleep-Number induced slumber, wife Jaime does light housework and sweeps up the splintered remains of various tables and chairs she has crushed.

Their time at the realty office and adjoining craft shop are spent chatting with customers and clients who enjoy coming by to talk and try to make the weird "dit-ditditditdiiiiiiiiiiiii" sound effect so prevalent in the couples' mid-1970s television shows. Although the pair laugh easily with their fans, it is apparent that the jokes have begun to wear on them, and thus they tend not to go out as much socially anymore.

They share a home with a Belgian Shepherd named Farrah.

AS ALWAYS, Possumblog is YOUR source for celebrity news!

Boy, that's the thing you want to see first thing in the morning.

Was just checking through the ol' referrer logs to see what all brought people to Possumblog, and saw this one: how to get possum blood out of carpet.

One shudders to think how that particular turn of events came about...

Well, lucky that I'm also an art curator.

We just had a visitor who was wondering: is my dali sketch genuine?.

Well, it's a bit difficult to say for certain without actually examining the sketch, but based upon what I know, I would have to say...

Cow.

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Well, you know, I've been doing this for a while now, and thought that I had seen just about everything. Then, I see this search request floating by, and I have to say it is a new one on me:

HOW TO SHAVE GENETICAL AREA

Class? Anyone?

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Oftentimes, I am called upon by the masses of Possumblog readers to clear up misconceptions or dispense small dollops of my prodigious scientifical knowledge. Just such an opportunities has arisen, due to a querist who has found himself at the World's Greatest Storehouse of Information, and asks this: Can a Possum cut a hole in your house?

Oh, absolutely. Give me a saw of some sort, and I can make quick work of cutting holes all in your house. The real question is why you'd want me to. I mean, I can use a door. Or even a window. So I really don't HAVE to cut a hole for myself. Unless you just need a hole in your house, which, as I've said, I can do quite well if given a power tool of some sort.

ANYway, glad to be of service to you in your quest for information.

A new reality show!?

Nope, just trolling through the referrer logs and found something that sounds worthy of the genre: housewife bullies other wives into catfights.

And they came to Possumblog...

Guess what.

There's even time for a dip into the referrer logs for an Inexplicable Search Request!

Prima Donna Fish Plate

I have no idea what that means.

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Oh, the people who come to Possumblog...

Criminals? Possibly--maybe it's someone trying to sell some knockoffs--to buy fake possum blogger

You just have to ask, though--why buy a fake possum blogger when you can have the REAL one for FREE?!

Now this is just ridiculous--pontiac aztek vehicle theft deterrent system problem. Now, are you gonna sit there and tell me that there would actually be anyone who'd WANT to steal an Aztek!?

How about Mayberry fans--howard f sprague painting. Can't stand any episode with Howard Sprague in it, so I don't know if there's any about painting or not. And I'm not gonna look.

Lushes? Maybe, or possibly just someone who desperately needs to widen his horizons a bit--ruby tuesday happy hour huntsville alabama. Hey, dude--EVERY hour is happy hour at Ruby Tuesday! Even the hour it takes before a waitress gets your order, and the hour it takes for them to get it to your table.

Anyway, hello to you all!

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Knowing how firmly the scope of history is in my grasp, is it any surprise to any of you that a wishful young querist came Possumblog's way today looking for: one paragraph on jefferson Davis ?

As always, I am willing to help.

"Jefferson Davis was a dry-cleaning magnate who rose from obscurity in the borough of Queens where he lived with his wife Louise and son Lionel, and due to canny business practices moved on up to the East Side, where they got a deluxe apartment in the sky."

Hmm? What!?

Oh--sorry. Wrong guy. Let's try that again:

"Jefferson Davis--first, last, and only President of the Confederate States of America--was not captured by Federal troops while dressed as a woman, but merely while wearing two articles of women's outerwear, not that there's anything wrong with that."

OOOooooo--I want a front row seat!

You know you've really done something in this ol' blogworld when someone manages to get to your site by searching for Screaming Trees movie about obsessive compulsive disorder.

My first inclination was that it had to do with Jack Handey's immortal deep thought: "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

You know, that is just so true.

However, Chet the E-Mail Boy says it's probably some kind of reference to a peppy '90s orchestra flannel-clad deadbeat youngsters occasionally listen to. He says they are hip, and I take his word for it, because if anyone knows hip, it's someone who's had two hip replacements.

Vermin!

We had a visitor not too long ago who came by Possumblog wanting to know--how to get rid of mice in caravan.

Obviously, there are several different ways, but I've always been fond of stealing their tiny little camels.

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Seeing as how I am an expert on everything, it is no surprise that someone just came by Possumblog wondering--why does the boll weevil monument have a monument in its honor

Heh, well, first of all, the monument doesn't have its own monument--that would just be too silly, even for us.

BUT, the Boll Weevil Monument in Enterprise, Alabama (erected 87 years ago) is the result of the devastating weevil infestation of the region in 1910-15. Emerging from spaceships, giant boll weevils roamed the countryside eating everything, including things like tractors and barns, striking fear into the hearts of citizenry. The weevils agreed to stop their pillage if the townsfolk would construct a giant statue and worship the beetles as gods, complete with sacrifices of attractive young beauty pagent contestants. The Enterprizians balked at killing off their women just to satisfy a bunch of bugs, and decided instead to build a giant weevil-killing robot, which exploded. Next, they built a giant iron cotton boll, hoping to give the weevils cramps, but this failed because they ignored it in lieu of the actual cotton plants surrounding it. Next, they figured they could use the leftover artillery pieces from the Spanish-American War that they had outside the armory, which did work pretty well, although it was messy to have to clean up the bug parts afterwards. Final eradication did not come until 1952, when the Air Force began a training exercise using tactical nuclear missiles.

So, there you go.

Fun With Referrer Logs, Part II!

This came in a while ago, and it deserves an answer: should getting married feel scary?

Obviously, this is dependent upon each individual, but in general, experts agree that if the spouse-to-be is a Hollywood celebrity between the ages of 18 and 78, or happens to be one of your backup dancers, the answer is most definitely yes.

Fun With Referrer Logs!

OFTEN, given that the name of this blog incorporates the word "possum," visitors come here searching for information about the beloved Didelphis virginiana. Such is the case with one such person in the vicinity of Pampa, Texas, who wanted to know, simple possum facts to tell kindergarten age children.

NOT BEING ONE to wish to disappoint anyone, I would be glad to supply the aforementioned information about the possum.

1) Possums are not quite as smart as earthworms, but have been able to quite handily outscore Howard Dean, M.D., in various tests of mental accuity.

2) Possums are able to legally drive cars, but few pass the exam without running over themselves.

3) Possums will attempt to evade danger by telling long-winded, humorless stories. Then they will fall over and play dead.

4) Possums have more teeth (50) than any other North American land mammal. (That one's true, actually.)

5) Possums will eat anything, but their favorite snack is kindergarten age children.

6) Possums can grow to heights of over 18 feet tall, and can weigh up to 9,000 pounds.

7) Possums have hind feet with an opposable thumb. The only reason they have not taken over the world is the difficulty inherent in trying to hold tools with their feet.

8) Possums cannot fly, although they can hover in midair for brief periods.

I certainly hope these facts are useful to you as you go about your teaching duties!

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Possumblog was host ever so briefly to an intrepid person searching for boll weevil and farm girl art. In the words of Keenan Wynn as Colonel "Bat" Guano from Dr. Strangelove, I think you must be some kinda deviated prevert. But, you know, thanks for dropping by and all.

Next up, a seeker of knowledge looks for crapulosity meaning. I believe that means Possumblog! I use it to mean something akin to crap with a lot of velocity behind it, again, much like most of what you read herein. However, "crapulous" actually is a word, and doesn't mean what I mean when I use it. Basically, it means being a glutton or suffereing from the effects of it.

Finally, someone mistakes Possumblog for The Manolo! by coming here looking for ladies two-toned oxfords. They must have REALLY wanted to find some, because they went all the way to the number 93 search result to get here. How could I disappoint such a person!? So, here you go--a black and white ladies co-respondent oxford with Cuban heel (not Castro, however, although I'm sure you could paste his photo on the bottom) brought to you by the Gandolfi Company of Great Britain.

Ooops--one slipped up on me!

Yet another referrer log person, this time looking for mechanically separated chicken machine picture

I'm not sure why anyone would want to see something like that, but I'm always willing to oblige. Here you go.

Fun with Referrer Logs!

Hooray!

For some reason, the overnight hours were filled with some wonderful things to examine and pontificate about. SO, let’s get started, shall we? Please? ::sigh:: Okay, but if we wait for you to get back from the toilet, you might as well wait on me to get back from going downstairs and buying a refreshing, sugar-free caffeinated cola beverage! HMPH!

Okay, now then, if EVERYONE is ready, we’ll start.

First someone wanting to know about the best pocketknives. Not really an off-the-wall sort of question like I usually get, and surprisingly it has nothing to do with various female celebrity body parts.

SO, I prefer older-style pocketknives with at least two blades. And I like them in carbon steel. Stainless is a bear to sharpen, and can be brittle. I've mentioned before that I'm not particularly fond of Swiss army knives, either Victorinox or Wenger, because they seem to be very prone to tip breakage. I know you aren't supposed to pry on things with them, but a bent tip is still much more useful than one that breaks completely off. I carry an old Uncle Henry 885 that I've had for years and it's still quite sharp, although in need of a tune-up from going pocket-dull. I also carry a Smith & Wesson thumb opener--yes, I know, it goes against what all I've just said, but it's very handy to be able to open with one hand, and stainless DOES have the nice quality of staying sharp a lot longer.

Next up, something sure to be helpful for everyone! topics of conversation for the office christmas party. Knowing what a gifted raconteur I am, it is no surprise someone would make their way here to find out what to say! SO,

BEST TOPICS FOR CHRISTMAS PARTY CONVERSATIONS--

1) The superiority of Muslim culture to all others.
2) Do you think I should shave this?
3) I don't really hate you-hate you.
4) Looks like Don has his gay apparel on again!
5) Gosh, this bow is getting pretty tight!
6) When I drink eggnog, I vomit. A lot.
7) Peace on earth? Gimme a B-52 and I'll see what I can do.
8) Halliburton!

Happy Holidays!

Next, someone looking for information about that most extraordinary person, Irish Rap Mogul sean paddy combs making the band. It's manly yes, but I like it, too!

Speaking of lunch, we have someone wanting some Kung Pao Fists of Fury. I tell you what, those peppers can make your insides feel like someone has some fists of fury in there.

Next up, a kind, searching soul wants to know what does free refills mean with escorts. Oh, that was a program Ford had back around 1986 or so where they would give you a coupon for a free tank of gas for your new Escort.

On, then, to this person, who for some reason came to Possumblog because
I keep hearing civil sirens. Well, surely that's much better than hearing rude ones.

And then we have this one: baggy clothes to hide curvy lusty figure. I must confess that I do tend to wear looser clothing than is absolutely required, but, well, you know.

Okay, finally, here's one that's actually something worthwhile. Every so often, someone will trip in here and want me to define yankee dime. As any good Southerner will attest, that's a quick peck on the cheek, usually doled out to unsuspecting children who want some money.

HOWEVER, when I looked at the returned results, I found a definition from a wonderful resource I'd not heard of before, and one that goes into my Big List of Reference Websites. It is the aptly named Double-Tongued Word Wrester, compiled and written by one Grant Barrett, who says:

Double-Tongued Word Wrester records undocumented or under-documented words from the fringes of English. It focuses upon slang, jargon, and other niche categories which include new, foreign, hybrid, archaic, obsolete, and rare words. Special attention is paid to the lending and borrowing of words between the various Englishes and other languages, even where a word is not a fully naturalized citizen in its new language.

I am an American lexicographer for Oxford University Press in New York City. This site is not sponsored by, affiliated with, nor otherwise related to Oxford University Press, which does not necessarily endorse, validate, nor approve its contents. In my work for OUP, I am project editor for the Historical Dictionary of American Slang and editor of the Oxford Dictionary of American Political Slang (2004). Outside of OUP, I am also editor of The Official Dictionary of Unofficial English (April 2006, McGraw-Hill) and vice president for communications and technology for the American Dialect Society. [...]

Of course, he's not quite up there with Possumblog as a source of information, mainly because he refuses to make stuff up.

ANYway, off to lunch now!

Fun With Referrer Logs!

A busy overnight, it seems, of people with hard questions and a burning desire to know--so deep that they came to something called "Possumblog" thinking their problems could be solved. WELL, WHO AM I TO DENY THEM!?

So, first up, this querist who wonders: how do i get rid of mice chat room

Well, this might be difficult to do unless the mice have a chat server residing within your own home. If there is content you find objectionable in a mouse's chat room, if it's within the bounds of the law and the rules of the chat room, you might have no recourse. If it does appear the mice have overstepped the limits of their rights of free speech (such as engaging in libel or defamation), it's best to first contact the chat room moderator and ask that that particular mouse be banned from posting, rather than trying to shut down the entire chat room. If this is a problem with your mice operating their own chat room out of your house, you most certainly are within your rights to restrict access to their computers or even remove them if they are unwilling to abide by your wishes. If they persist in engaging in unwanted behavior, a small dab of peanut butter on the bait pedal of a Victor mousetrap generally will solve the problem within a few days.

Now then, this person wants to know: what are the best plants to obscure a neighbor's driveway?

As much as I hate to intervene into what appears to be an interpersonal squabble, it's hard to beat an evergreen tree-form holly such as a Nellie Stevens. They get big, and they're quite dense, and they don't drop their leaves, and they're pretty, and hardy, and even if you don't trim them, they look okay. Second choice would be osage orange, which has the added benefit of razor sharp thorns all over it, discouraging to potential visitors.

And finally, then there's this nice person who wants to find: full figured hooker clothing

Well, these are nice and come in sizes up to 3XL.

There now--I hope this helps everyone!

And to wrap up the day, Fun with Referrer Logs!

Just had a seeker of knowledge drop by wondering--What is a possum {is a part of the cat family or monkey}

Well, my friend, you're right on BOTH counts! Some of you might not realize it, but what we call "marsupials" are actually the offspring of an experiment in animal husbandry begun under the Animal Progress Authority begun during Franklin Roosevelt's presidency. As a way to improve the diversity of animal life during the Depression, the APA undertook a wide variety of efforts to create new animal species, with an eye toward creating jobs for people by either encouraging people to raise the animals for food, or hunt them for government bounty.

The possum was created by carefully intermixing a monkey, a coati mundi, a cat, a badger, a goat, another cat, and a peanut. The APA was disbanded soon afterwards.

And the funniest part of this? The source:

"Domain Name gov.bb (Barbados)
IP Address 200.50.66.# (UNITED NATIONS SERVICES)"

I realize I know a lot of folks...

but, still, when someone asks a question like this--where is a snakes favorite place to be rubbed--I mean, come ON!

First of all, do you really think I have Harry Reid's Senate phone number, and second, do you really think he'd share that sort of personal information about himself with a complete stranger?

Fun With Referrer Logs!

The search string is something we get a lot around here--"axis of weevil"--so that's not what was so interesting.

It was the server the request came through: state.gov

Yep, that's right, the Newnited States of America Department of State has someone who wants to know about The Cotton State Pixel Guild! Was it our reference this morning to that hottie Madeleine Albright? Was it our plans for world domination? Was it my plans for opening the Condi-minium, where all of the residence units have artwork of Condi Rice hanging on the walls? Was it the recipe for grilled manatee steaks with Key lime chutney? Was it my repeated requests for billions in foreign aid so I can get some cool rims for the Volvo (which, was, after all, made in Sweden)?

I do not know. I have instructed Chet the E-Mail Boy to send a message to further explore this phenomenon.

Fun with Referrer Logs!

Some bright young entrepreneur just visited seeking some information about: pros of being a spanish telemarketer

Right off the top of my head, I'd say one good thing is that those hot-blooded Spaniards have a very low tolerance for being bothered on el teléfono and will hunt you down and get all Zorro on you. That'd be pretty cool.

And though you might not expect it, I hear they still have a lot of junk left over from the Inquisition, and are really in need of someone to test it to see if it still works.

So, you know, have fun and all!

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Oh, today things are a bit racy--someone came by earlier wanting to get some free instructions on how to drive your man wild in bed.

Now, I have to admit, this is kinda out of our league, even for Possumblog, seeing as how I don’t usually invite men into my bed, much less with the intent of doing anything like driving them wild. But you know, if someone had a big enough urge to know to come to Possumblog to find this information out, then it’s up to me to try to help.

Because I am a helpful person.

And enjoy giving free instructions.

Now then, being that I am a man (at least on those occasions I am allowed to be by the female members of my household) I can at least speak to the things that would drive ME wild in bed, which you, the general reading public, may try (at your own risk) upon men which might occasion you own beds. I cannot say that these instructions would work on other men, so your results may vary. They are in no particular order as to efficacy, and nothing but your own discretion should prevent you from combining two or more of any of the items. Finally, none of these things have actually ever been tried out on me, so I’m really only speculating here.

FREE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DRIVE YOUR MAN WILD IN BED

a) Sprinkle itching powder on the sheets.

b) Start a conversation about curtains while NOVA is rerunning that show about the Enigma code machine.

c) Disallow any flatulence, even if the auditory effect is humorous or somewhat musical.

d) Tell your man that you saw this picture on the Internet today, and that you’re just as limber, and then go to sleep.

e) Clip your fingernails or toenails.

f) Short sheet the bed.

g) Come to bed in a slinky robe, announce you have something really exciting hidden under your robe, then smile and slowly reach inside, and pull out this week’s sales circular from Kohl’s department store and mention that they’ve got some really cute stuff that’s on sale, and when your man notices that Daisy Fuentes is on the cover, angrily ask if he thinks she’s cuter than you.

h) Ask if the stove is off downstairs. After man has gone to check and returned, ask if doors are locked downstairs. After man has gone to check and returned, ask why man seems so grouchy.

i) Just when you’re both about to nod off, quietly ask if what Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction was really all that bad, “you know, considering the circumstances.�

j) Wait until your man is asleep and put his hand in a bowl of warm water.

There now. Hope that helps!

Next up, we have this request--patricia heaton's rack.

Okay, look--I think she’s very nice, and nice looking, and frankly she is the only reason I ever watch reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, but isn’t this just a little much to be coming to Possumblog in hopes of seeing?! I mean, come on!

Well, okay, if you insist. But it's down in the extended entry because depending on where you work, it might be inappropriate.

Your Portal for All the World's Knowledge

I just took a moment from my chores to check the referrer statistics, and ran across this query from a recent visitor. Please turn your volume down because it was delivered in a shoutey voice: WHAT NATION IS CREDITED WITH THE DISCOVERY OF TOILET PAPER.

Thankfully, there is Possumblog to answer such tough questions.

According to my research, it appears toilet paper was discovered NOT by the Vikings as has been promoted in years past (refer especially to Giardia's 1925 work, Scoperte di carta nei giorni antichi), but actually appears to have been a discovery by Dutch spice traders who found found it growing wild in the South Pacific.

The first live specimens were brought to Amsterdam in 1667, and the population was highly impressed with the curiosity, although no one knew quite what the rolls could be used for. Sensing a use for the product, a clever Dutchman named Keirn Duhuipp stole some seeds and began growing his own rolls in a fallow tulip patch, and upon their maturity, demonstrated their sanitary and cleansing properties to astonished Dutchmen (his wife was tasked with demonstrating for Dutchwomen). Soon, all of Holland erupted into a frenzy of speculative buying of toilet paper plants. Various hybrid types were soon on the market with varying degrees of softness and decorative designs, further fueling the furious bidding, and Duhuipp profited handsomely in the early years.

However, when the inevitable market crash occurred, Dehuipp found himself overextended and creditors confiscated all he owned, including his chamber pot.

Today, toilet paper is grown all over the world, and in many of the same varieties that were popular in Dehuipp's time. Toilet paper is the 3rd most profitable cash crop in Idaho, and 4th in South Dakota, where the rich soil is especially favorable for growing toilet paper.

We hope you have enjoyed this trip through world history! As always, Possumblog's researchers stand ready to answer questions of any sort in our quest to further man's knowledge.

And then, there's this...

...a person who trips in here based upon this search string: Received my tetanus booster today OW!

In the immortal words of famed Tennessean Glenn Harlan Reynolds, "Heh-- indeed."

In the immortal words of famed Arkansan William Jefferson Clinton, "I feel your pain."

In the immortal words of famed English antihero The Black Knight, "'Tis but a scratch!"

In the immortal words of famed Californian Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger, "You think a shot hurts?! Try to being named Alois. All the guys in school calling out, "'Ey! Lois!" I tell you this, such things as that make a tiny shot seem like nothing at all! At least I am not like Johnny Cash, who was named by his father 'Sue.'"

Directions Given for Free. Results Worth Twice the Price.

Just had a person come by who was pondering deep, ponderful things, and so went and asked that friendly Jeeves fellow: were is the original consution kept at?

Well, My Annoyingly Pedantic Friend Jeff^TM would say, "Between the A and the T," but let's not let linguistics hinder us in our quest to dispense knowledge.

The Consution is kept at Consution Hall in Phadepha, Pevania.

You're very welcome. If the Possumblog Research Facility can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact us.

In a shift from the usual silliness...

...in which Fun With Referrer Logs is a jumping off point for deriding pointless or stupid search requests, I just had a visitor whom I would DEFINITELY like to help if possible.

The search request came through Ask Jeeves, and was this: find royal marines old pals connection

600 returned results, and I feel bad because stupid Possumblog is first up, simply because of a post I did three years ago when I linked to a picture of a highly attractive Royal Marine of the female version. (And trust me--if I could find the picture I'd post it again.) But that's all it was--and certainly wasn't what this fellow was looking for.

Which I think would probably be a site such as this one: The Royal Marines Reunion Page, which is for active members and those who have left Her Majesty's service. Might also be good to check out the homepage of the Royal Marines, just for fun.

Fun with Referrer Logs!

Learn something new every day--I was quite baffled by the query that came through a while ago--Rock Shock Reba Race modifications

Having a wife named Reba tends to bring out such odd inquiries, but this was one I'd never gotten before. What in the world IS this!? Pretty quickly I found out that there is a company called SRAM who make who make bicycle parts, and for some reason their RockShox subsidiary chose "Reba" as the name of one of their front fork models. "Reba's combination of light weight and stiffness make it the most versatile option..."

I had to quit reading right there--I was getting all stirred up. Well, okay, I did happen to see there is a "Bossed lower leg option," and a "Motion Control with adjustable Floodgate." Rrrowll.

(And for the more prurient amongst you, here's a shot of two hot young ladies engaged in a bicycle race, although I doubt they are using RockShox forks.)

Fun With Referrer Logs!

Good morning, science fans! As you all know, Possumblog continues to set itself apart as your most valued source of information regarding all matters scientific, and thus it is no surprise that we recently had a Filipino visitor to our sleek, high-tech headquarters to ask about: Trivia about Giraffe weevil

Well, my friend, you've come to the right place. If there's ONE thing we can claim the most knowledge about, it's insect trivia!

1) The giraffe weevil is the world's largest weevil, weighing close to 140 pounds when fully grown.

2) The giraffe weevil is usually found in cool, damp areas around the house, or in Africa.

3) The most common male giraffe weevil name is Blake, and the most common female name is Tiffany.

4) Giraffe weevils have only one natural predator, the giraffe weevil weevil.

5) The giraffe weevil was first described by famed entomologist Sir Dentley North-Wodely during his expedition up the Zambezi River in 1857. In his journal, his first sighting of the giraffe weevil is noted thusly: "April 14th, tea time: A deucedly great INSECT has just dropped onto one of our native porters, and it appears to be quite mad, with great snapping pinc--"

Sadly, this was also Sir Dentley's last sighting.

6) The largest private collection of giraffe weevil specimens is held at Lloyd Selby's International House of Curiosities, Rt. 4, Brooklyn, Kansas.

7) In 1903, a giraffe weevil infestation wiped out Alabama's entire giraffe crop. Although many farmers faced ruin, the devastation forced them to consider alternative crops such as the duckbilled platypus and penguins. The results of this change were dramatic and contributed to an overall boost in farm productivity and profits. Grateful citizens of Godly Hollow, Alabama erected a monument to the pest, in appreciation for the positive change wrought by the beast, and the diversification of Alabama's farm life.

Well, there you have just a sample of the fascinating information about this insect. As always, we are happy to be of assistance as you endeavor to make yourselves real smart.

UPDATE: In an effort to give you nightmares for the rest of your life, the lovely and talented Jordana Adams sends along a picture of this beast.

Actually, it's really not much worse than this.

It's been a while, but...

...it's time for FUN WITH REFERRAL LOGS!

How do I get these? Well, no use to quibble--let's just be entertained!

First up: kevin july 2005 xanga OR blogspot OR blogger OR weblog "he called me" -brittany -feferline. The oddest thing is Possumblog isn't even one of the returned results. Oh, and by the way, that should be 'Briduny Phepherlyne.'

Next up: recommendations for a viable business plan for Cracker Jacks. You college kids and your willingness to plagiarize from the Web! Anyway, I AM here to help, so here goes--

1) Start putting better prizes in the boxes.
2) One good prize would be a million dollars in each box. Or, maybe just one box. But please do away with the crappy tattoos.

There. Hope you get an A on your assignment!

I tend to get a lot of the next one, for some reason: mad possum. I'm not mad at all.

I recall receiving a similar request to this one a while back--"radio shack business hours"--my answer at the time is the same as today. Use the phone and call them.

NOW, for some super icky grossness, which I know you've all been craving. For some strange reason, we had a visitor here who wanted to know about sexual grandma medicin. All I can tell you is that Chet the E-Mail Boy's 100+ year-old Hmong ladyfriend Miss Butch swears by betel nuts. Then again, Chet swears by corn flakes, so who knows what the real deal is?

Now then, down in the extended entry is a long, boring list of search phrases that I pulled from the Movable Type stat counter. They don't have the referrer link, but they are nonetheless rather interesting....

jodi applegate wardrobe malfunction--Still looking for the pictures for this one.

white eyeliner--Please, don't.

ugly animals--This shows up a LOT. I don't know why anyone would come to Possumblog looking for ugly animals, though.

how to pronounce the word lopper--That would be "lopper." Glad to help.

nicest man of the world--No one around here fits the bill.

how to arrest someone--Best way is to start shouting "CITIZEN'S ARRE-UST! CITIZEN'S ARRE-UST!" like Gomer did when he was trying to arrest Barney.

ways to hurt yourself at home--I need to write a book about this one.

dutchess of cornwall--What a HOTTIE!

interesting stuff to talk about--Okay, folks, move along--nothing to see here.

Got several permutations of this one--mutual of omaha wild kingdom theme song. It went something like "BuhhBUHHbuhbuhBUHHbuh--WHOOOHEEEEE--buhmbuhm-bah-WHEE".

volvo high mileage--Not anything at all like the Mile High Club, I guarantee you.

reptile eating man--Hmm. Wonder if that would be news?

what name would you find on elton john’s birth certificate? Actually, several. His name, his mum and dad's names, and the doctor's name.

how to get a box spring downstairs--Actually, the problem is not getting it down, the problem is getting it down without killing yourself in the process.

is the price for teddy ruxpin too high? 2005--No! Buy several! They're sure to be collector's items!

get a bed frame upstairs--Actually, the problem is not getting it up, the problem is getting it up without killing yourself in the process. And yes, I realize that could sound rather risque.

architectural term for straight--According to my Penguin Dictionary of Architecture, that would be "straight." Alternatively, "uncurved."

how to make a rat puppet--Take one rat, insert hand. Alternatively, take one rat. Attach strings to its little limbs and tail and attach to a piece of wood.

dead possum deodorizer product--Nothing works.

why did the girls in the office put the man in skirt and heels--To get to the other side?

how to move adjustable bed to second floor--Actually, the problem is not moving it, the problem is moving it without killing yourself in the process.

the world with erors--Yep, it seems so.

i am childlike--HEY! MICHAEL JACKSON CAME BY! Or he will in a few minutes.

what s so hard about being me?--It's actually not at all difficult, as long as you don't mind the dementia.

inappropriate office attire--I suppose it depends on the office, but I think a suit made of rat puppets would be out of place just about anywhere.

ANYway, there you have it, at least for now.

Well, I might be deathly ill...

...but at least there's a treasure trove of odd search requests in the referrer logs this morning!

Such as: Kangaroo meat Raleigh NC. MMmm-MM! Save me a drumstick! I tell you what, Barney's right--they DO have everything in Raleigh! They'd talked about opening a kangaroobecue joint over in Mt. Pilot, but that never really panned out.

Anyway, you can get kangaroo meat at any grocery store in Raleigh, although with all the wild herds that wander and hop around the place, it's really easier just to go catch your own.

NEXT, we have this one: urinal +"tiger stadium". Hmm. I guess that's what they mean when they scream "Go Tigers!"

Actually, this could be a couple of places--Detroit's baseball field, or LSU's football stadium. Surely no one is comparing either to a urinal. That would just be mean.

One of the leading contenders for Most Inexplicable Search String, this one from down in New Zealand: boeing funny clip highway finger brakes jeep emergency. Don't know what that's all about, but it sure does sound like it could be entertaining. Which is why I can't figure out why Possumblog is returned as an answer, but never mind that.

Keeping with our international theme, we have this from the Netherlands, or Holland, or Dutchlandia, or whatever the heck they're calling it now: "there is no substitute for cubic inches" 350z. You know, that is just so true. I'm not sure why 350Z was appended on there, other than to point out that it only has a 3.5 liter engine, which in real measurements is around 213 cubic inches, which is exactly half of 426 cubic inches, which is really about the minimum size engine anyone should consider having. You know, if Nissan dropped a Mopar 426 Hemi into a 350Z, that would be really, really cool. Hmmm--maybe I could do that with the Volvo! Hmmmmm....

Next, from Brazil, home of giant, hard to crack fatty nuts and some sort of waxy depilitory method that's all the rage, we have this little item: "when the sky gets dark", a-set. Heh--foreigners are so funny! Here in America, when the sky gets dark, it's not a-set, it's called "sunset"! Silly Portuguese speakers!

Now then, one that's actually probably intended for Billy Joe Bob and the boys at the BBQ Emporium--cletus goes to the suburbs. Interesting thing is, this is the title of some sort of digital video production. I don't have the ability to view it, and with a title like that, who knows how diabolical it might be, but it just goes to show that...uhhh, well, it goes to show-- Hmm. I'm not really sure what it proves.

For the entomologists amongst you--giant weevil only-facts. Yes, facts are absolutely necessary when dealing with giant weevils. Giant weevils, about the size of common housecats, currently infest most homes. They are not often seen due to their ability to hide in cabinets and behind refrigerators. They are vicious, persistent killers, and are immune to most insect sprays. They can only be killed by extended exposure to Ralph Nader. They also have a flavor something like chicken.

And finally, someone has finally stumbled upon my newest money-making idea: "take-out jeans". Run out of pants? Just hop in the car and run down to one of my soon-to-cover-the-nation Take Out Jeans places, stop at the menu board, order the type of jeans you want (including Extra Spicy) and by the time you get around to the cashier, a fresh piping hot pair of jeans will be waiting for you! This just can't miss.

Anyway, that's enough of that mess for today. I'm going to go to a MEETING now! YIPPEEE!

Fun with Referrer Logs!

Well, I knew something must be afoot this morning when I checked the logs and found MANY varied references such as this one: jodi applegate wardrobe malfunction.

INNnnnteresting. Especially considering that Jodi is yet another target of my unhealthy obsession for attractively perky newswomen. Well, the bottom of all these queries had to be gotten to, so I checked Google News, and sure enough, this article from the New York Daily News popped up with all the spicy details (scroll to bottom):

WNYW/Ch. 5's Jodi Applegate had a minor wardrobe malfunction Tuesday on "Good Day New York."

During a segment on summer fashions, Applegate put on a new blouse.

"I'm not sure if I'm wearing exactly the right foundation garments with this particular one," Applegate said adjusting her garb. "It's semi-see-through whether you want it to be or not."

Interestingly, not one letter of complaint arrived here.

Well, as I always say, "rrowlll."

MORE Questions!

This one is actually something I might be able to shed some light on. Or not.

Anyway, just had someone swing through wondering: I want to know what the last name Oglesby means.

Okay then, but you probably won't after you find out.

ANYway, as an amateur genealogist, this is one of those things (for some reason) you think is good to know, and so first thing, you go searching around for it and wind up somewhat disappointed. Supposedly (and this comes from various self-pubished books and junk that can be INCREDIBLY off track), the name Oglesby is derived from Ogilvie, one of the fine old families of Scotland. "Ogilvie," in turn, is supposed to be derived from an Olde Englishe word meaning "high place," although I have also seen other places say it means "son of the blond man." But, basically, it only has the littlest to do with Oglesby. People get all excited thinking they're descended from nobility, but the more likely thing is that your genes were passed down from one of the yeomen or varlets or villeins or knaves on the pastureland of some landholder named Owhatever.

Another problem is that names were notoriously unstandardized and phoneticized until into the early 19th Century--my own great-g-g-g-g-granpappy Sabert is listed in Rev War lists, later census rolls, and even the old family bible not only as Sabert, but as Seabert and Sabred, with the last name variously being Oglesbee, Oglesbey, Oglespey, Oglesberry, and Oglesby. His kids seemed to have stuck with Oglesby, however.

My advice? Let it mean whatever you want it to.

It is wrong to laugh at people.

But I just noticed another jewel in the referrer log--oil pan on an eagle magdalen

Uhmmm, I think you might be thinking of the Medallion, a wonderfully craptacular vehicle combining the talents of the American Motors Corporation, its successor the Pre-Daimlerized Chrysler Corporation, and the wacky Gauls of Renault.

Come to think of it, Magdalen might have been a better name...

Science Information YOU Can Use!

Often, the medical staff here at Possumblog is called upon to answer questions about various dread maladies affecting the general population of this area, due in large part to the incredible reputation we have built for ourselves as being accurate and responsive.

It is then no surprise that we just had a visitor searching for how many cases of athlete's foot in Calhoun county, nor is it surprising that Possumblog is the number one returned search result.

It is a validation of all our hard work.

IN ANY EVENT, there are two cases--Bobby Lundertrell who works at the Citgo, and his brother Lell, who does not work.

Fun With Referrer Logs!

I realize everyone has their own little peculiarities. (Present company excepted, of course.) But I think some peculiarities are a bit more, how shall I say it, ahhh--peculiar--than others.

Like those of the person who waded through 274 other links before landing on Possumblog, all the while looking for naked/female/golfers.

I'm just asking here, but if that's your deal, why on EARTH would you think there would be stuff like that here--on something called "Possumblog"!?

Fun With Referrer Logs!

One of the bad things that having something to record visits is that sometimes you get hits based upon something stupid you misspelled. It's always annoying to me, because I like for stuff to be spelled more or less right. So, occasionally, I do get stuff like this: make youself incontinent.

Possumblog was grabbed for this odd request because in a long ago post, I misspelled "yourself," and left out the R. The nice thing is that when stuff like this comes up, I can at least go back and fix the typo. Which I did.

BUT, as for the query at hand. I must say I find this a disturbing thing to want to do. Who would want to be incontinent? Remember, as a very wise man once said, "no man is an island."

So, always try to be a continent.

Hmm?

What?

Oh. OH!

Well, then, that's even more disturbing.

And Yet MORE Referrer Log Wisdom

A bit earlier in the day, we had a young student of Chinese mysticism and lawnwork who tripped on a rake and landed in a pile of Possumblog as he searched vigorously for info on what--confucius says about dandelions.

Knowing how up I am on my Confuciunarianist wisdom, it should come as no surprise that I have an answer readily at hand. In Analects, Confuscius tells us:

"Oh good grief, how I hate dandelions. The best thing to do is just pour the weedkiller to them in the late fall and early spring, and then keep after them with one of those weed-popper things that you can get at the mart by the wall of the village."

I KNEW she was grouchy, but I never expected THIS!

I just had a visitor come by here wanting to know: can yorkshire terrier hunt possums?

I don't suppose it was Miss Francesca, but you never know about people who like small dogs.

IN ANY EVENT, I'm not sure what the answer is, but I can guarantee it would be terribly entertaining to find out.