August 10, 2007


From our good friend and money-making-idea-man Marc Velazquez:

Hmmm, Britneyland...

If you have some free time tomorrow, maybe you could start a post and the gang could contribute ideas for opening the Axis of Weevil's Britneyland on the Redneck Riviera. It would be a great outlet for the Cornaguin/Cornatee inventory.

You could also have a "Possum Lair" section for kiddie rides. I'll stop for now and suggest a ride for the main park: Crash Cars while holding a baby on your lap (and driving with one hand as you're using your other hand to grasp a cold drink). Cigarette clenched in your lips is optional, though the park should be non-smokefree.

Was it Stan or Nate [It was Stan. Ed.] who could work on the lyrics for the "Look Away Britneyland" theme song for the park?

Folks, I don't know how this could miss!

The Mississippi, Alabama, and Northwest Florida Gulf Coast might have a lot of other entertainment-type things going for it, but I know this sort of venture would be a sure-fire hit! Further suggestions gladly accepted in the comments, as well as congratulations to Marc for being so forward-thinking and pop-culture savvy!

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 12:03 PM | Comments (12)

July 31, 2007

When in doubt...

...always grab the smokes and lottery tickets!


Posted by Terry Oglesby at 08:35 AM | Comments (0)

July 19, 2007

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume 3,910

This time at the Slap-Happiest Place on Earth!

Ala. woman charged with beating woman in line for Disney ride

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — An Alabama woman has been charged with beating and kicking a woman she said cut in line at a Walt Disney World attraction, authorities said.

Victoria Walker, 51, of Anniston, was released from Orange County jail after posting a $4,000 bond Tuesday, nearly two months after the altercation while in line for the Mad Tea Party.

Yeah, I know--"what are the odds!?"

Walker was with her 11-year-old daughter when she yelled obscenities at Aimee Krause, 35, of Clemont, Fla., and shoved two children with Krause, according to a sheriff's report. Walker grabbed Krause from behind and began beating her until witnesses pulled the women apart, the document said. [...]

"It's a small *&^%$(in' world after alllll, so get the ~!@$* outta my waaaaaay...."

Biggest surprise? There is no mention of alcohol.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 10:43 AM | Comments (3)

July 12, 2007

My goodness!

Looks like it was a busy Saturday in Hanceville!

By Karen Williamson
The Cullman Times

When the Hanceville Police Department received a complaint from a neighbor of 75-year-old James Bennefield’s last Saturday about a hog getting loose, the fracas ended with the hog getting shot and Bennefield being shocked with a Taser.

You know, it's not often you get to write an opening sentence with the words hog, fracas, and Taser in it.

Corp. Don Chamberlain and Officer Chris Westmoreland responded to the call on County Road 545 and spoke to the neighbor.

“The complainant advised the hog tore up the garden and the yard and was always getting out,” said HPD Investigator Lt. Jimmy Rodgers.

The officers had already been out to the house earlier the same day and discovered the hog running free. They asked Bennefield to put the hog back in the fenced area.

During the second visit, Bennefield became combative, Rodgers said.

“He became real aggressive, cussed the officer and told him he wouldn’t put his hogs up, and he wasn’t fixing his fence,” Rodgers said.

Well, I think that's probably happened to all of us at one time or another.

The hog was in the neighbor’s yard when the officers arrived. The hog then entered the road and became a road hazard, said Rodgers.

Chamberlain shot the hog.

According to police reports, an agitated Bennefield responded by charging one officer. He changed course and bore down on the other officer, Rodgers said.

One imagines there was great temptation to substitute the phrase "boar down on the other officer."

“Chamberlain tried to get Mr. Bennefield to calm down and (tried to explain) the reason for shooting the hog,” said Rodgers, reading from Chamberlain’s report.

But Bennefield only became more incensed, cursing and clenching his fists, according to Chamberlain’s account.

Finally, Bennefield took a swing at Westmoreland, according to the report, and Chamberlain responded by using his Taser gun. [...]

Bennefield said he has contacted an attorney and would file a complaint today if he was able to.

“I do not feel good,” he said. “I was advised by my attorney not to talk to anyone” until the complaint was filed.

Given the way in which fracases of this sort tend to unfold, he just better be glad John Law didn't get mixed up and Taser the hog and shoot him.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 01:44 PM | Comments (7)

June 12, 2007

Hey, it could have been worse.

Dump truck found in Alabama wave pool

DECATUR, Ala. (AP) — Decatur police are trying to determine how a one-ton municipal dump truck wound up at the bottom of the Point Mallard Park's wave pool.

Police said they suspect a maintenance worker could have been responsible for submerging the vehicle in the 8-foot-deep pool at the J. Gilmer Blackburn Aquatic Center. A wrecker service was called in to haul it out of the water.

Officers noticed several garbage bags floating in the water about 5 a.m. Sunday and had to move close to make out the shadowy object at the bottom. They said a gate was open and there were two sets of tire tracks, one leading up a ramp to the wave pool, the other appearing to match a white pickup parked nearby.

Police said an empty beer can, an unidentified vial and a pair of blue swim trunks also were found. The truck could have been driven into the pool as early as 10:30 p.m. Saturday, according to police.

Sgt. Steve Campbell said no arrests had been made, but the case could result in felony criminal mischief charges.

Not quite sure if I want to speculate on exactly how it could be worse, but I just know it could.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 04:13 PM | Comments (0)

June 08, 2007

HEY! There's no slapping in baseball!! Or wrestling!!

Oh. Sorry--my mistake: Mom accused of attacking baseball coach

PRINCETON, La. (AP) — A woman has been arrested for attacking a coach after finding out her daughter had not made the Little League all-star team, sheriff's deputies said.

Sherry Savage, 30, allegedly grabbed a baseball bat and started toward the female coach.

Someone snatched the bat away, but Savage is still accused of slapping coach Gina O'Neal in the face before the two wound up in a wrestling match, deputies said. [...]

"Savage," huh? Sorta like that old Seinfeld bit about naming your kid "Jeeves" pretty much guarantees he's gonna grow up to be someone's butler.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 03:40 PM | Comments (0)

June 07, 2007

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Politician Edition

Sounds almost as good as those melees you see of Taiwanese legislators duking it out: Alabama senator throws punch in scuffle in Senate chamber

Posted by Associated Press June 07, 2007 4:02 PM

MONTGOMERY -- Session-long tensions in the Alabama Senate boiled over Thursday as Republican Sen. Charles Bishop of Jasper punched Democratic Sen. Lowell Barron of Fyffe in the head before the two were pulled apart.

Bishop said he punched Barron after the senator called him a "son of a bitch."

"I responded to his comment with my right hand," Bishop said.

Barron initially refused to comment and went into a closed-door meeting with other Democrats. Sen. Vivian Figures, D-Mobile, was seen going into the Democratic meeting carrying first aid supplies, but she said Barron was not hurt.

Bishop said he regretted throwing the punch because "that's not the way grown men solve their problems," but he said he would not immediately apologize to Barron.

The fight came on the final day of the 2007 regular session of the Legislature as Republican senators were using delaying tactics to force the Democratic leadership to bring up an election reform bill to ban transfers of campaign donations between political action committees.

The Senate had just taken a recess Thursday afternoon when Bishop approached the chair where Barron was sitting. Moments later security officers and others rushed to separate the two senators.

Alabama Public Television tape showed Bishop taking a swing at Barron and hitting him in the head.

Republican senators and a few dissent Democrats have been using delaying tactics in the Senate all session to protest Senate rules formed by the Democratic majority that the minority coalition says are unfair.

"It's indicative of how much tension is in the Senate right now," said Sen. Larry Dixon, R-Montgomery.

Members of the Alabama House said the incident makes the entire Legislature look bad.

"It's certainly a black eye on the Legislature and the Senate in particular," said Rep. Jay Love, R-Montgomery.

So to speak.

Anyway, looks like someone finally took Frank J. up on that whole "punch liberals in their dumb monkey face" thing.

No word on if any deer antlers or shovels were involved in the fracas.

(Post updated at 4:50 with version of events via the Huntsville Times in lieu of shorter version from the Birmingham News I'd first posted. Links to respective Senator's websites added.)

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 04:22 PM | Comments (0)


Finally, someone has taken my idea of how to deal with miscreants.

Feisty Ga. family subdues home intruder

HINESVILLE, Ga. (AP) — A robbery suspect was rescued by officers after his intended victims disarmed him, beat him with a metal broomstick and were about to whack him with a shovel, authorities said.

Police officers who were summoned to the home late Tuesday said they found the suspect, identified as Darrel Rolle, 27, lying on the living-room floor as Wu Ni's family held him down.

"He was so exhausted, we had to help him walk to the patrol car," Sheriff's Deputy Brian Barnes said.

Poor little thing. Even worse is that an hour later he was hungry for another butt-whupping.

Ni, a restaurant cook, told officers that he, his wife, his parents and other family members were returning to the home when he was confronted in the master bedroom by a man pointing a gun and shouting, "Give me the money!"

Ni said the man forced him to his knees and was taking cash from another family member when Ni grabbed his arm and took the gun away.

But that was just the start of the melee. According to the police report, Ni's parents and a cousin jumped on Rolle, and the combatants moved to the living room, where Ni's wife, Rong Lin, pummeled Rolle with a metal broomstick.

Rong his bell, so to speak...

When the broomstick bent, Rong Lin got a shovel from the backyard, but Barnes and a second officer arrived before Rolle could get hit with the shovel, authorities said.

"When we walked into the living room, the family let Rolle go," Barnes said. "We were able to cuff him without incident."

I'm certain he was quite ready to be arrested.

Oh, and here's something:

The gun turned out to be a pellet gun, police said.

Rock crush scissor. Paper cover rock. Scissor cut paper. And a real shovel beats fake gun.

Rolle was treated at a hospital for scratches and a bite on his ear and then taken to jail. He was charged with armed robbery, burglary and battery. Wu Ni was treated at the scene for cuts and a bite on his arm.

Hinesville police could not say Thursday whether Rolle had an attorney.

Somehow, I can almost guarantee you there'll be some sort of ambulance-chaser who'll sign on to try to rip these folks off for defending themselves.

I bet you it won't be someone from Hinesville, Georgia, though.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:05 AM | Comments (0)

Oh, who am I kidding.

No made-up story is ever as good as real life.

Man in critical condition after being stabbed with deer antler

COLUMBUS, Ga. (AP) — A Columbus, Georgia, man was in critical condition after being stabbed with a deer antler during a fight.

Columbus police responding to the incident Monday night found a man lying in the road and another man sitting nearby. Police say 55-year-old Terry Moore had a stab wound to his left ribs and a head wound. He was rushed to The Medical Center in Columbus.

According to authorities, witnesses said the man sitting with Moore, 47-year-old Eugene Ellington, stabbed him with a deer antler and struck him with the rim of a bicycle tire. Ellington was arrested and has been charged with aggravated assault.

Police say the two men were acquaintances who argued before the fight because Moore refused to stop calling Ellington a name with an expletive.

But of course.

Ellington denied that the deer antler was his.

Well, he's technically right--he's not a deer and so he couldn't possibly have grown a deer antler. Still, I'm not sure that's a winning legal gambit in this instance.

And finally--

The west Georgia city is located near the Alabama line.

A little too near.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 10:17 AM | Comments (0)

May 30, 2007

Beware of Greeks bearing...

...big armloads of wiring and tubing--Athens man charged in copper theft.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 03:12 PM | Comments (4)

May 23, 2007

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume MCMLXII

Fisherman shot during Ga. tournament

GREENSBORO, Ga. (AP) — An 86-year-old man didn't want anyone getting too close to his fishing lines, so he took a few shots at a pair of fishermen competing at a tournament, authorities said. One of them was hit in the arm.

John Burke Yearwood of Madison was jailed on a charge of aggravated assault and later released on bond.

Greene County Sheriff Chris Houston said Yearwood has been putting his fishing lines out in the area for decades.

Two men competing in a fishing tournament Saturday on the Oconee River told authorities that when they got close to Yearwood's lines, Yearwood raised a rifle and fired two shots that hit the water in front of their boat. A sheriff's department report says Yearwood — who was at a fishing camp but was not in the tournament — fired a third shot that hit Craig Barnett as he sat in the boat.

The men said they sped away in the boat and used a cell phone to call 911.

The sheriff's report says Barnett, a Sycamore resident, sustained a wound under his left arm and gave authorities a small-caliber bullet that he says went into his arm. [...]

Well, that's pretty bad, but it's not like he was spotlighting them.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 12:52 PM | Comments (2)

April 24, 2007

I usually entitle stories similar to this...

..."Perpetuating the Stereotype," popping up occasionally when one of my beloved band of redneck brothers around here goes off and does something so startlingly--but stereotypically--idiotic that one cannot help but be embarrassed for the ridicule it brings down on the rest of us from folks who live beyond our borders.

But this one is a bit different--oh, sure, an idiot from Alabama, to be sure, but probably not one with a wall full of Dale Earnhart memorabilia and a case of Bud in the fridge: Calhoun Community College prof arrested for death threats

DECATUR, Ala. (AP) — A Calhoun Community College professor who claimed that a former student left a death threat on her voicemail has been arrested and charged with making the threats.

Limestone County Sheriff Mike Blakely said Penelope Blankenship, who taught criminal justice and sponsored the college's criminal justice club, [emphasis added] was charged with making a terrorist threat, a Class C felony punishable by two to six years in prison.

College telephone records led to the 43-year-old Decatur woman's arrest Friday.

"The initial suspect was investigated and interviewed and there was no way the person could have made those calls," Blakely told the Athens News Courier in a story Tuesday. "We subpoenaed Calhoun's phone records and determined that the incoming calls came from the cell phone of the instructor and, when questioned, she admitted making the calls."

As we say around here, "that takes a special kind of stupid."

A female left a voice message that mentioned last week's Virginia Tech shootings and said, "you next." The female also left a voice message for campus security threatening the instructor.

Blankenship told investigators she recognized the anonymous caller's voice,

At least she's not THAT far removed from reality--she at least could recognize her own voice!

but the investigation indicates that Blankenship made the calls through the Calhoun switchboard to security and to her own voice mail.

Good grief--if our smarty-pants college professors are this dumb, what hope is there for the rest of us laboring under the "ignert hick" label!?

When asked why the instructor devised the hoax, Blakely said, "I can't comment on that. You will have to ask her that." [...]

If only she were a politician, she could claim it was a botched joke about George Bush.

Let's just hope she's not started swapping tips with Deb Frisch.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 12:29 PM | Comments (2)

March 01, 2007

Oh, so it's culture you want?

Goober Fest.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 12:26 PM | Comments (0)

December 07, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Pigs (and Possums) Aloft Edition

Our sharp-eyed legal-eagle Mississippi correspondent Kathy S. sends along an intriguing article for those of us with a fascination for the vulgar class: Man Fined for Tossing Pig at Hotel

WEST POINT, Miss. Dec 6, 2006 (AP)— When pigs fly, indeed. Kevin Pugh, 20, of Cedar Bluff, has been fined $279 for tossing a pig over the counter at the Holiday Inn Express in West Point on Nov. 12. Pugh pleaded guilty Tuesday in city court to a charge of disturbing the peace.

HEY! Just exactly when did pig-flinging at the Holiday Inn Express start being considered disturbing the peace!?

It gets more interesting--

West Point Police Lt. Danny McCaskill has said Pugh didn't know the employees of the hotel. There was no evidence intoxication was a factor.

That right there might be the biggest shock of the whole thing.

No one was hurt, including the pig, officers said.

"This was the silliest thing I've ever seen," McCaskill said. "Almost every officer we had was involved because the incidents kept happening at different hours."

Well, hey--you try scheduling an animal-flinging where you can do them all at one time! It's not that easy, my friend. Or, at least, that's what I hear.

McCaskill said Pugh was accused of walking into the hotel and throwing the 60-pound pig over the counter.

"He said it was a prank," McCaskill said. "It must be some redneck thing, because I haven't ever heard of anything like it."

Yet another one for the estimable Mr. Foxworthy--"You might be a redneck if even a police lieutenant in West Point, Mississippi calls you a redneck!"

McCaskill said there have been four late-night incidents involving animal-tossing at West Point businesses. Twice a pig was tossed and two of the incidents involved possums.

All four of the disturbances took place between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., McCaskill said.

Pugh is accused in a second animal-throwing incident at a Hardee's restaurant. He has pleaded innocent to disturbing the peace in that case and will appear in city court on Dec. 19.

Okay, it was all fun and games until you got the ugly marsupials involved, bub!

As for the possum-toss, this article in the Northeast Mississippe Daily Journal from back in November goes into a bit more detail:

[...] Hardee's was first hit by a prankster Aug. 2 when he placed a small pig inside the restaurant about 4 a.m., the police report said.

The next incident was reported Sept. 28 when an opossum was placed inside Hardee's about 2:30 a.m.

Aug. 4, another 'possum was dropped over the Holiday Inn Express desk. [...]

My only comment is that it's probably better than having to be on a plane where a woman lit a match to cover up a bout of butt-thunder. The best part of the whole thing is the last paragraph of this article, which was written by Mississippi State student Amanda Harris:

[...] Three of the four animals thrown over counters were recovered by police and were not harmed. The pig used in the most recent incident was last seen running down U.S. Highway 45 Alternate toward Starkville where the Arkansas Razorbacks will play the Mississippi State Bulldogs today.

Football--no more than one degree of separation from any story about any topic...

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:15 AM | Comments (8)

December 05, 2006

Mr. Foxworthy, you have a call on line one.

Seems you might have yet another to add to your list: Float driver in Anderson Christmas parade charged with DUI

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

COLUMBIA, S.C. - A man driving a float in the Anderson Christmas parade has been charged with drunk driving after he passed another float then sped down Main Street, police say.

When officers caught up to 42-year-old David Allen Rodgers, he had an open container of alcohol in the truck he used to haul the children and adults on the float for the Steppin' Out Dance Studio, Anderson Police spokeswoman Linda Dudley said.

Surely someone had some idea that David Allen might decide to dip into the Christmas cheer a little early. Then again, maybe that's part of his charm.

Witnesses said Rodgers was driving in line in Sunday's parade when he pulled out to pass a tractor in the float.

Well, in fairness, there wasn't nothing coming the other way, and the tractor was moving awful slow.

Rodgers sped down Main Street and ran a red light, while a witness on the float called 911 on a cell phone, police said.

Officers started chasing Rodgers, who didn't stop for three miles.

Well, in fairness, he probably couldn't see the blue lights or hear the sireens, what with trying to grab that forty that rolled under the seat and all. And three miles isn't all that far if you're going fast enough.

Once he pulled over, he tried to attack an officer, Dudley said.

Now that probably wasn't a good idea.

Rodgers, whose child was on the float, faces more than three dozen charges, including DUI, 18 counts of kidnapping and assaulting an officer, authorities said.

Now having your kid on there? That probably wasn't a good idea, neither.

A woman who answered the phone at Rodgers' home would not talk to a reporter and a message left at the dance studio was not returned Monday.

Rodgers will have a bond hearing on the kidnapping charge Tuesday. He has a prior traffic offense, but Anderson Police officials could not elaborate on the charge.

Prior offense, eh?

Color me shocked.

ANYway, "You might be a redneck if you drove your child's dance studio float in the Christmas parade while you was all lit up like a Christmas tree yourself with a nose glowing like ol' Rudolph's, and you decided the tractor in front of you was too slow and so you took off down Main Street with a bunch of screaming kids and ran a bunch of red lights and had to be chased for three miles by the police and after getting stopped you decided to whup up on the cops before getting arrested."

Operative word, as always, might. Because, you know, stuff like this happens everywhere.

And for your enjoyment, Steppin' Out Dance Studio, and photos of the 2005 Anderson Christmas Parade.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:33 AM | Comments (2)

October 03, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume n+1

Stabbing apparently in Athens over football video game

Okay, first ignore the ineptly written headline--imagine it saying something more along the lines of, "Athens man stabbed in dispute over football video game." And obviously, we ain't talking about Athens, Greece.

Here's the story:

ATHENS, Ala. (AP) — A football fan is facing an attempted murder charge after allegedly stabbing a Limestone County man during an argument over a video game.

Sheriff Mike Blakely said James Rodney Wilson, 34, of Tanner and Lance Eugene Borchert, 34, were playing PlayStation football at Borchert's home Saturday.

"Borchert quit playing around 1:30 a.m. and got into bed with his wife and Wilson came in and stabbed him in the back with a butcher knife," Blakely said.

Blakely said the stabbing apparently occurred because Tennessee beating Auburn, not in a real game, but on a video game.

"I can only assume Wilson was on the losing end," he said. [...]

One would also probably be safe in assuming large volumes of spiritous beverages had been consumed throughout the morning, midday, afternoon, evening, and night by all parties.

One must also assume James Rodney is not a true Auburn man, in that he allowed his emotions to get the better of him and stabbed his friend in the back in rage. Obviously, a much better revenge for all concerned would have been for James Rodney to allow the video game score to remain as it was, and instead run up the score with his friend's wife, so to speak.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 03:02 PM | Comments (2)

September 07, 2006

A heartfelt thank you to the good people of New Hampshire

Gosh--everyone is being so helpful in taking some of the burden off of us--it's like there's some kind of benevolent movement underway to share some of the stupidity burden. So, thanks everyone, and especially to our good buddy Chuck from Nashua, NH for his efforts--Man's gun fires in Wal-Mart bathroom

HUDSON, N.H. (AP) — A Nashua man faces a felony reckless conduct charge after his gun discharged in a Wal-Mart bathroom, striking the ceiling and scaring an employee in the next stall.

Charles Masterson, 36, said he pointed his gun toward the ceiling because he had been taught that was the safest thing to do when it wasn't being used.

Uhh, well, no, numb-nuts. When it's not being used, it goes in what we call a "holster." But more about safety later...

The precaution backfired when the gun discharged Tuesday night while Masterson was in the bathroom.

Police charged him for putting the teenage employee in danger. Masterson's 13-year-old son also was in the bathroom.

Masterson was jailed overnight, but released on personal recognizance Wednesday after his arraignment in Nashua District Court.

Masterson said he had been carrying the Glock 9mm pistol in his waistband. [...]

Well, we learn two things here. First, if you're going to carry a weapon, please don't just stick it in your pants. And second, this was not just a matter of a weapon misfiring. Glocks are made so that it can only fire when it is being held firmly and the trigger is being squeezed. Although they are mechanical devices and all mechanical devices can fail, the design of the mechanism is such that it is physically impossible for the firing pin to contact the cartridge primer UNLESS the weapon was deliberately fired. Even if he was stupid enough to carry the thing in his pants, if it fell, it wouldn't fire. Even if he held it up at the ceiling to be safe, it wouldn't fire as long as he just held it there. It fired because he fired it, and that's all there is to it.

He is what we call "an idjit."

[Employee Adam] Carew told police Masterson walked out of his stall, put the gun in his pants and just walked right out of the bathroom like nothing happened.

Wal-Mart employees called police.

Well, I guess you never know--maybe the guy has a ceiling full of holes above his chamber pot at home...

UPDATE: Oooh--a companion story! Wal-Mart to tailor stores to customers Gosh, I hope this means Kevlar ceiling tiles!

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 04:43 PM | Comments (2)

A heartfelt thank you to the good people of Oregon.

For taking a little bit of the "Perpetuating the Stereotype" heat off of us Southerners with episodes such as the one reported here: Cops: Chicken dies, wife shoots husband

CHESHIRE, Ore. - A woman shot her husband in the back after he killed her pet chicken, the Lane County sheriff's deputies said. Deputies said they were sure that Mary Gray, 58, intended to shoot her husband, Stephen Gray, 43. They weren't certain if the husband meant to fire at the chicken.

"We don't know if it was an accident or if it was on purpose," Sgt. Clint Riley said. "It depends who you ask."

The chicken was not available for comment.

Riley said the couple had been drinking for much of Monday --

Golly, what are the odds of THAT!?

-- while they did yard work at their rented home in the town northwest of Eugene, and they began arguing after Stephen Gray shot the chicken with a .44-caliber handgun.

Deputies said he was then hit with a shot from a .22-caliber rifle, and is recovering. Mary Gray was arraigned Tuesday on an assault charge.

Revenge may well be a dish best served cold, but sometimes it's best just to go ahead and have chicken instead.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 10:51 AM | Comments (2)

August 10, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume---uhhmm, I seem to have lost count...

Four neighbors arrested for fight over cigarette butt

DECATUR, Ala. (AP) — A cigarette butt casually tossed to the ground sparked a daylong argument between four neighbors that escalated into a fight that sent at least three of them to the hospital and got them all arrested.

"It's sad that people were injured over a cigarette butt," Lt. Chris Mathews, spokesman for the Decatur Police Department, said Thursday.

Sad, yes, but still, COMEDY GOLD!

Police said a guest visiting Bobby Joe Ray, 42, tossed a cigarette butt toward the edge of Ray's yard on Aug. 4. The butt landed near a fence belonging to Ray's neighbor, Michael Alan Bradford, 24. Bradford got angry and started shouting about it.

The odds of someone in this story being named Bobby Joe Ray?

You have to figure they're about even.

Several residents of the neighborhood said Ray and Bradford argued about the butt all day, Mathews said, and eventually Ray's sister, Shirley Lynn Ray White, 32, who lives across the street, tangled with Bradford's wife, Health Mills Bradford, [sic. Her name is actually "Heather" we learn later. But she's probably not the same Heather Mills who was married to Paul McCartney. And I don't know if she has a fake leg or not. As with the previous odds-making, I'd give it about an even chance. Ed.] 27, and the men soon joined in.

Reminds me somewhat of the old Todd Rundgren tune, "Bang on the Drum All Day," as in, "I'm Gonna Argue 'Bout the Butt All Day!"

At least three went to the hospital for treatment of injuries, and all four were arrested Tuesday and were released on bond the same day.

Shirley Lynn Ray White is charged with third-degree assault. Bobby Joe Ray and Heather Mills Bradford are charged with harassment. Michael Alan Bradford is charged with harassment and third-degree assault.

Officials confirm that there is no ordinance in Decatur prohibiting stupidity.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 02:48 PM | Comments (3)

August 02, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, VOL MCMLXXI

Valley Head man arrested for waving flag in the nude near highway

FORT PAYNE, Ala. (AP) — A Valley Head man was arrested for walking naked along a highway while waving an American flag.

The DeKalb County Sheriff's Department arrested Gerald Lynn Kelley, 52, and charged him with public lewdness in connection with the incident, the Fort Payne Times-Journal reported Tuesday.

DeKalb Deputy Mike James said deputies were sent to Hammondville about 3 p.m. Sunday after receiving calls about two men walking nude along U.S. 11, just inside the town limits.

James said Kelley, who was allegedly drunk, was wearing only a cowboy hat and boots.

The other man, reportedly clad in the same attire as Kelley and carrying an American flag, could not be found. Police reports show that Kelley and the other man had been at a party that got out of hand. [...]

Ya think?

But at least we don't have to question his patriotism.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 03:06 PM | Comments (4)

July 13, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume MCMXLVI

Stolen construction equipment leads to "junkyard war" in Athens

ATHENS, Ala. (AP) — Roaring motors and clanking metal tipped off police to a "junkyard war" involving two roommates who allegedly stole construction equipment and caused thousands of dollars in damages in a battle of forklifts, backhoes and bulldozers.

James Aaron Morris, 22, and Brandon Leigh Langford, 29, both of Athens were found in a track hoe after midnight Tuesday when officers responded to calls alerting them to noises in the woods near an apartment.

"They were playing war with the machines and trying to hit each other," Athens police Lt. Floyd Johnson. "It was like some kind of junkyard war." [...]


As I always tell my younguns, "horseplay leads to heartache."

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:53 AM | Comments (2)

June 02, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereot--Oh, wait--they ain't from here!

Hey, I like Taylor Hicks as much as I possibly could, but I think everyone can agree this is taking it a bit too far--

Via the Plattsburgh (NY) Press Republican: Son hits mom during 'American Idol' discussion

Staff Writer
June 01, 2006

PLATTSBURGH — A Plattsburgh man is facing felony charges for allegedly striking his mother in the head with a sharp object hooked to a bicycle chain after she made a comment about "American Idol."

Cory K. Favreau, 24, of 200A Margaret St. was discussing the television show "American Idol" with his mother, Jan M. Chagnon, on May 24 at about 10:15 p.m., according to Plattsburgh City Court records.

At that time, Chagnon told Favreau that a particular contestant, Katharine McPhee, was going to have a successful career despite losing to another contestant, Taylor Hicks.

Favreau allegedly stood up, made a malicious comment to his mother and struck her in the head with a sharpened, cross-shaped object attached to a bicycle chain.

Court records say that Favreau and Chagnon were drinking alcohol at the time. [...]

Golly, what are the odds of that.

Many thanks to upstate New York for taking some of the heat off of us (at least for little while) when it comes to incidents of this sort.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 10:52 AM | Comments (10)

May 17, 2006

Uhmm, aren't we taking this "Wildcat Pride" thing just a bit too far?

Kentucky family fights to keep pet lion

MELVIN, Ky. (AP) — Amid a backdrop of colorful swingsets, clunky cars and giggling kids, a beast with a thick mane and daunting eyes paces in his cage.

To some around this small Appalachian town, he's a frightening menace. To others, he's the local mascot, a novelty.
But to the Collins family, he's "Kitty," their beloved pet lion.

"That's my kid," said 22-year-old Melissa Collins, a married mother of three, as she pet [sic] Kitty through his 300-square-foot chain-link cage. [...]

No word if any of the parties involved are related to Skillzy's friend, "The Kentuckian." Or to "Mother of The Kentuckian."

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 04:36 PM | Comments (0)

May 11, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Version 29,491

Well, as an Alabamian, all I can say is thank goodness for North Carolina: Bomb described as 'little boom thing'

DURHAM, N.C. (AP) — A man who pleaded guilty to lobbing a homemade bomb at his girlfriend said he was actually aiming for a beaver dam. In the end, he was the only person injured, and he now faces 10 months in prison as well.

In the words of Carl Spackler--

carl spackler.jpg

"Varmint Cong."

Otis Cecil Wilkins, 45, pleaded guilty Wednesday to assault with a deadly weapon and was sentenced to 300 days in jail. He had been charged with attempted first-degree murder.

Odds of being named "Otis"? Probably better than even, I'd say.

According to sheriff's deputies, Wilkins had threatened the ex-girlfriend, then threw the bottle bomb at her car as she drove into her yard in Rougemont, about 30 miles north of Raleigh. Witnesses said the bomb exploded in "a large fireball," and then rolled back toward Wilkins, igniting his shorts.

And thus we find the rustic backwoodsy analog of the Shakespeare quote, "hoist by his own petard."

You have to feel sorry for him--I mean, he either couldn't throw very far, or couldn't run very fast to get away from a rolling bottle ball of flame. That could set your shorts on fire.

Public Defender Lawrence Campbell said Wilkins' target was a beaver dam that blocked a waterway, and that the bomb was ignited by ash from his cigarette that fell onto the fuse.

Gosh, it just keeps getting better and better, don't it?

Wilkins spent more than a week at a hospital burn center.

"I ain't no terrorist," he was quoted as saying in a law enforcement report from the incident last year. "It was just a little bit of black powder. It was just a little boom thing."

That's what she said!

Sorry. I realize that was very juvenile. This is nothing to make light of. Or to light off.

Wilkins pleaded guilty to three assault counts, one for his ex-girlfriend and two for other people nearby, including the woman's 3-year-old granddaughter. Prosecutor Mitchell Garrell said he pursued a plea-bargain because the ex-girlfriend was uncooperative.

Imagine that.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:24 AM | Comments (8)

May 05, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Episode 5,340

Alabama man charged with attempted murder over dent in car

PENSACOLA, Fla. (AP) — A man is charged with attempted murder for apparently firing a gun at a Pensacola man over a dent in the alleged shooter's car.

Authorities say 48-year-old Michael Gay pulled into a Pensacola convenience store Wednesday. When Gay's brother got out of the pickup, the passenger side door hit the fender of a car.

Gay says he apologized to the driver of the car, 23-year-old Andre Frye of Citronelle, Alabama.

Escambia County Sheriff's office says Frye then punched Gay in the mouth.

Reports say Frye went to his car, got an automatic pistol and fired two rounds at Gay.

The bullets broke the window on the truck's passenger side. No one was injured.

Frye told investigators he got his gun because he thought Gay getting one.

Frye is being held at Escambia County jail on $250,000 bond.

Now, I have to say, I do feel a similar sense of anger when someone wallops the side of my car. However, I can't recall getting quite so angry as to resort to wasting ammunition on the problem.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 09:27 AM | Comments (0)

April 25, 2006

A Matter of Degree

Steevil, famous NASA rocket scientist and observer of culture both low and high, sends along this MSNBC article in which the authoress deigns to explain the "allure" of the so-called "white-trash" culture we seem to be immersed in at the moment.

Steevil says, "The author claims to be white trash herself, but seems as clueless as any MSM chick."

Well, bless her heart.

In any event, as I have said before there is a distinction that must be made between the good ol' boy, the redneck, and po' white trash; that being, that one must never be given firearms, one must never be given liquor, and one must never be given either.

The trick, of course, is in knowing which is which.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 12:27 PM | Comments (14)

Jack Bauer Update? FORGET THAT!

Listen to THIS!

74-year-old woman chokes intruder, sends him running

4/25/2006, 7:49 a.m. CT
The Associated Press

DECATUR, Ala. (AP) — A 74-year-old woman thwarted a home invasion by choking the intruder until he ran away.
Thelma Carter said when the man she allowed to use her phone Sunday suddenly barged into her Decatur home, she grabbed his throat and - quote -- "strangled the living daylights out of him" -- end quote.
Carter said the man, who appeared to be in his twenties, looked scared. When she began calling for her grandson, who wasn't in the house at the time, the intruder turned and ran.
Carter said the man was running down the street the last time she saw him.
The retired motel clerk, who took a self-defense course a few years ago and works as a school crossing guard, says she's keeping an eye out for the man in her neighborhood.

I don't know--I think once I'd had the living daylights strangled out of me by a 74 year old retiree, I'd just move on to less dangerous work like being a javelin catcher or something.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 07:20 AM | Comments (0)

April 11, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume MCXIII

Via Dave Helton at Red Georgia Clay, what happens when you have cats, dogs, firearms, and rednecks around your house:

Dispute over dog and cat ends in shooting

A dispute between two Catoosa County neighbors Sunday night ended in a shootout with one man suffering gunshot wounds to the head and chest.

According to Catoosa County Sheriff Phil Summers, Terry Dewitt McDaniel of 48 Mark Lane, shot his neighbor’s dog. He claimed the dog, which belonged to William Beyer of 93 Campbell Circle, was chasing his cat.

Summers said Beyer’s wife told him the dog had been shot and he got a handgun and went to McDaniel’s residence to confront him.

“During the altercation, Mr. McDaniel and Mr. Beyer exchanged gunfire,” Summers said. “Mr. McDaniel was not injured. Mr. Beyer suffered from gunshot wounds to the head and chest area from Mr. McDaniel’s shotgun.”

Beyer was transported to Erlanger Medical Center by ambulance around 8 p.m. for treatment and authorities arrested McDaniel and charged him with a misdemeanor for cruelty to animals, Summers said.

Beyer’s condition is not life threatening, according to the sheriff, although he may have suffered an eye injury from one of the shots.

McDaniel was released after posting a $2,500 bond Monday morning. The case is still under investigation and the Sheriff’s Department is consulting with the Catoosa District Attorney’s office to determine if additional charges will be filed, Summers said.

See?! This is why I don't need a cat or a dog--nobody'll get mad and come gunning for me when I shoot up a bunch of stupid mice.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 12:05 PM | Comments (2)

March 29, 2006

Well, I'll give the Yankees the ability to cope with snow...

...but when it comes to fearsome cats--

Crazy Cat Terrorizes Connecticut Town

FAIRFIELD, Conn. - Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car. [...]

--well, they don't have NUTHIN' on folks down here!

Loose Bengal tiger sought in Cullman

Cullman County Sheriff’s deputies and animal control officers have stepped up patrols in the Berlin community since late last week looking for what residents describe as a Bengal tiger roaming the area.

Sheriff’s deputies were first called to a neighborhood off Cullman County Road 1641 in the eastern part of the county Thursday night on a report of a tiger in a back yard of a home, said sheriff’s Lt. Phillip Patterson.

Four adults in three homes on that road reported seeing the animal before it disappeared into a wooded area before deputies arrived, Patterson said. Later, another person was interviewed who had seen the animal earlier in daylight in a field near some cows but had not reported it to law enforcement, he said.

No sightings have been reported since that time.

The animal’s description matches that of a young adult Bengal tiger about waist high and weighing about 200 to 250 pounds with about a 3-inch red collar, Patterson said. There have been no reports of anyone having lost a tiger, he said.

Well, then, it must not have been lost, eh?

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:52 AM | Comments (2)

March 16, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume 1,242

Via Skillzy, whom I believe has never forced anyone to drink beer at knifepoint, this charming story from down Mobile way:

Police: Hitchhiker forced to eat at knifepoint

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Staff Reporter

A Tennessee man faces kidnapping charges after police said Wednesday that he took a hitchhiker to a Robertsdale convenience store and forced him to eat pizza and drink wine at knifepoint.

Timothy Lee Hagewood, 42, of Clarksville Tenn., was charged with second-degree kidnapping and resisting arrest after the incident Tuesday evening.

Hagewood picked up Billy Watson, 35, of Jacksonville, Fla., somewhere along Interstate 10 in Mobile, according to Robertsdale Police Investigator Anthony Dobson. Watson entered Hagewood's Dodge pickup truck voluntarily and was apparently headed back to Florida.

The victim told police Hagewood had driven around the Baldwin County area before arriving in Robertsdale. They pulled into the Pride Express Food Mart, on U.S. 90, around 6 p.m. Tuesday.

Suddenly, Hagewood demanded that Watson sit down on the floor of the convenience store and eat ready-made pizza, the investigator said.

The horror. The horror.

Police believe Hagewood was drunk at the time, according to Dobson.

Gee, I wonder what would make them think that?

At one point, Hagewood offered a clerk $40 for a bag of ice and a soda and refused any change, Dobson said.

Hagewood then pulled a 5-inch knife from his pocket and pressed it against Watson's stomach, Dobson said.

Later, Hagewood opened a bottle of wine by breaking its tip over a table, took swigs, and told Watson, "Don't get up or I'll cut you," according to Dobson.

Seems like he should be more concerned about cutting his lip open--those wine bottles can be sharp! Ouchie! Of course, he had to use a bottle, because busting a carton over the counter just makes a big mess. Anyway,

Watson ate some pizza and drank wine "for a moment, to pacify (Hagewood) and to calm him down," Dobson said.

Along with at least four other patrons, two workers were inside at the time of the alleged incident. Each person escaped safely and the workers called police.

Hagewood never threatened either store clerk or the several patrons inside the business at the time, according to the investigator.

"They knew something was up when he put it (the knife) to the guy's stomach, so they got out," Dobson said.

Yep, that probably doesn't happen every day.

A security camera showed Hagewood step behind the counter at some point, but Dobson said it was unclear what Hagewood did in that area of the store.

Hagewood and Watson were inside the store for about 10 minutes before police showed up, according to Dobson.

When officers arrived, Hagewood tried to walk toward a billiard room in the rear of the store. One officer told Hagewood at least four times to lie on the floor. When he did not respond, the officer used a Taser, which uses an electrical charge to immobilize the suspect, Dobson said.

And here was po' ol' Timmy Lee, thinking his day had gone pretty doggone good up till then, and he'd found him a wine-drinkin' and pizza-eatin' buddy to hang out with, and then the MAN had to go and taser him! Bummer, dude!

Neither Watson nor anyone else inside the store was hurt during the incident, the officer said.

"I've been doing this 11 years, and I've never run across anything like that -- I've never seen anybody hold anybody at knifepoint and demand that they drink wine and eat pizza," Dobson said.

That'll be one to tell the grandkids, that's for sure.

Hagewood, who was being held in the Baldwin County Corrections Center in Bay Minette on $16,000 bond, faces between two and 20 years in prison if convicted of the felony kidnapping charge.

The lesson, Dobson said, is "Don't hitchhike. You never know who you're getting in the car with."

That is just so true.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 02:08 PM | Comments (2)

March 02, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume MCML...uh, oh, who knows.

Another'n from Steevil today, and actually one that gives lie to the idea of lazy shiftless rednecks. I mean, this fellow put in a LOT of effort to the task at hand, despite the stunning lack of success in his endeavors.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 03:07 PM | Comments (2)

January 18, 2006

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Vol. XCVI, No. 2

B'ham couple win $250,000 prize on T-V show

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) — A Birmingham couple are all smiles today after they managed to win a 250,000 dollar first prize on the N-B-C show, "Fear Factor: Psycho."

22-year-old Chad Granger and 21-year-old Lacy [sic] Moulton, both students at Auburn University, beat out five other couples in a series of nauseating and scary stunts. One of the stunts featured Lacy [sic] being dynamited out of the top floor of a mansion.

Another Alabama couple, Ben and Blair Wheeler will get a shot next week at winning a 50,000 dollar prize on the show. The Auburn couple will appear on a one-time "Fear Factor" episode next week.

Chad, Lacey--happy for the win and the money and all, but couldn't you lie and say you were Bama students?

(And aside from all that, since when did the AP Stylebook change so that the hyphens in "T-V" and "N-B-C" are the preferred way of punctuating an abbreviation?)

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 01:39 PM | Comments (6)

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Vol. CXVI

Take yer pick on this one--either it's an unstable bureaucrat or hothead redneck (or both--they aren't mutually exclusive, you know): Fired Foley city employee arrested in City Hall assault

FOLEY, Ala. (AP) — A fired city employee has been arrested and charged in an attack on Foley City Administrator Perry Wilbourne, who was treated for a broken nose.

Police charged Craig Cotton, who surrendered on second-degree assault charges in the attack Tuesday in Wilbourne's office, Police Lt. Richard Springsteen said.

Wilbourne was taken to South Baldwin Regional Medical Center, where he was held for observation Tuesday night. His nose was broken in the attack, one eye blackened and his face was cut, said Mayor Tim Russell.

Russell said Cotton, a city construction manager, was fired about four months ago, but did not say the reason for the dismissal.

The mayor said Cotton had appealed his dismissal to the city's Personnel Board and a hearing was pending when the attack took place.

Gonna go out on a limb here and say that I think his appeal hearing isn't going to turn out very well.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 01:29 PM | Comments (0)

December 08, 2005

You know...

...some people are so stupid, there is nothing that can be said that could adequately deride their brain power.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 08:54 AM | Comments (4)

December 01, 2005

A few words of advice.

Memphis Area Man Goes on Naked Shooting Spree

GERMANTOWN, TN - A Tennessee man who called police after seeing a naked man firing a gun at commuters says he "couldn't believe it."

Eddie Cox was driving home in suburban Memphis when he saw the man wearing nothing but socks despite temperatures in the 40s. Cox called police, who came to the scene and arrested Glen Higgs.

Higgs now faces charges of reckless endangerment, indecent exposure, firing a weapon and public intoxication. Officers found a revolver in a nearby yard. [...]

If you're going to go on a shooting spree, it's probably best to wear more clothing. Likewise, if you're going to drink, it's best to lock up the guns, and keep yourself inside if you like to wander around naked. Finally, if you do like wandering around naked, it's probably best not to go off on a drunken shooting spree, especially when it's cold outside.

It all kinda works hand in glove, so to speak. Or foot in sock.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:03 AM | Comments (3)

November 04, 2005

Perpetuating the Stereotype--Northern Edition

Well known sailor and NASA rocket scientist Steevil sends along a link to a story about the Dullard-American community, and proudly notes that there are folks in his area who can act just like the breed we harbor further to the south. So, here from the District of Columbia--

Police: Burrito Sparks 7-Eleven Fight

That must have been one tasty burrito.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 08:58 AM | Comments (2)

November 01, 2005


And here I thought I would run out of "Perpetuating the Stereotype" material...

Woman charged with biting husband's genitals

The Associated Press

Stations: Please note contents before airing. (AP) — ENTERPRISE, Ala. (AP) — A Coffee County woman is charged with domestic violence for allegedly biting her husband's genitals.

According to Sheriff Ben Moates, the victim decided to press charges against his wife after learning from a doctor that the bite mark was infected. Moates said Nyela Stinson was arrested because her husband is a quadriplegic and unable to defend himself.

Stinson, who awaits a preliminary hearing, posted bond and was released from the county jail.

I'm not sure it's relevant, but Enterprise, Alabama is home of the Boll Weevil Monument.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 12:59 PM | Comments (0)

October 28, 2005

Well, there goes my "Perpetuating the Stereotype" schtick...

Darn that Cecil Adams and his tireless work at restating the obvious! "[...] In the recent indicators of national intelligence I can find--eighth-grade math scores and what all--southern Appalachian states aren't conspicuously clustered at the bottom. On the contrary, notwithstanding the blue-state-smart-red-state-dumb malarkey you sometimes hear, I'd say stupidity in our society is pretty uniformly spread around."

Of course, the original questioner is from Canada, so he probably thinks he's safe. Despite not knowing his geography, and being silly enough to demonstrate it.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:16 AM | Comments (3)

October 06, 2005

Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume MCCLXVIII

As you read this article, let's all remember what best for Rainbow.

Although unrelated to the main gist of the article (and its completely self-parodying nature), I am glad to see that newspapers have finally gotten away from the practice of shackling reporters to the silly, outdated concept of having to employ good grammar.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 03:02 PM | Comments (4)

August 17, 2005

Perpetuating the Stereotype!

An interesting little blurb:

Jacksonville [Alabama] Police are still searching for Jennifer Sue Hollis who they say broke into a woman's house and beat her with a high heeled shoe.

That other woman has been identified as Heather Jones McCrath.

The victim told police she was still sleeping when the women arrived at 5:30 a.m. and that McCrath probably thinks she was interested in her boyfriend.

Boy, it's a good thing those professional guys have editors. What you might miss in this online version is that two women broke into the house and hit the inhabitant with the shoe. Another bit of information that's missing is something I heard this morning as I was flipping around the various news shows, that being that one of the assailants is missing an arm.

That really just adds a whole 'nother layer of interest to the story, eh?

UPDATE: Here's a companion piece from the local NBC station that is just as comical in its poor composition. (It also says the woman's name is McGrath instead of McCrath--who knows what's really right!?) Anyway, I especially like this sentence--"The victim suffered minor injuries though one of the assailents [sic] had only one arm."

I'm still trying to parse that one--the "though" and "only" are making problems. Maybe it should be "Although the assailant had only one arm, the victim still suffered minor injuries," or maybe, "The victim suffered minor injuries at the hand--and we DO mean hand since the assailant only had one--of her attacker."

Anyway, thank goodness the professional media employ editors.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 03:54 PM | Comments (6)

August 04, 2005


Land of pickup trucks, alligators, and idjits!

Thanks to the ever vigilant Janis Gore for this one--Police: Man made up murder story

OCALA - A man made up a story about killing a hitchhiker and burying the body in the woods in an effort to persuade his wife to leave him, authorities said.

Teddy Claire Akin, 28, of Ocala was charged Tuesday with making a false report and petty theft. He was being held without bail.

Teddy, you might want to consider doing something like not bathing or finding another woman to make her leave you. Just a thought.

Akin's wife, Felicia, called the Marion County Sheriff's Office on Monday to report that her husband had told her that he killed a hitchhiker, authorities said.

Akin told investigators he had picked up the hitchhiker, who wanted a ride to Tampa. He said he hit the man in the neck, causing him to gasp and make a gurgling sound, when the two got into an argument over how far Akin would drive him, authorities said.

Akin said he dumped the body in a forest near a gun range and kept the man's wallet, which contained the license of Utah resident Dennis Legrande Allen, authorities said.

Well, give him this--when he makes up a story, he adds lots of colorful detail and such like to give it that ring of truth.

Deputies searched the area Akin described with dogs and an air unit but failed to find a body Monday evening, Capt. Thomas Bibb said.

Akin eventually told investigators that he was going through a divorce and had hoped the murder story would make his wife leave him, said Sue Livoti, a sheriff's office spokeswoman.

Akin told investigators he found the wallet on top of a newspaper stand. Investigators reached Allen in Utah by phone; Allen said he did not know Akin. [...]

And that's probably for the best.

Sometimes, you know, it's best just to be patient and listen to some music.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 02:00 PM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2005

Well, that's good enough for me.

'Cooter' Urges Fans to Skip 'Dukes' Movie

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 09:00 AM | Comments (0)

June 02, 2005


Well-known Georgia tractorist Dave Helton sent me a very nice photo this morning of something he describes as an Alabama bass boat.

I report, you decide:

Now, maybe I'm just trying too hard to make excuses, but the guy's red ball cap does have the University of Alabama logo on it, and there are many Bama fans outside of Alabama, so this might more accurately be labeled a Crimson Tide bass boat, so as not to offend the rest of us here in the state who would have been smart enough to strap a styrofoam cooler on there.

Dumb ol' hick.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 10:43 AM | Comments (5)

May 18, 2005

I'm just glad...

...that no one found it in a bowl of chili, or a cup of frozen yogurt.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 12:39 PM | Comments (2)

April 20, 2005

I promise I will never do this.

Fla. Gunman Puts Car 'Out of Its Misery'

LAUDERDALE-BY-THE-SEA, Fla. - A man with car trouble is in trouble after shooting five rounds into the hood of his Chrysler "to put my car out of its misery."

John McGivney, 64, shot his 1994 LeBaron with a .380-caliber semiautomatic, Broward County sheriff's deputies said.

When the property manager at his apartment complex asked what he was doing, McGivney said, "I'm putting my car out of its misery." He tucked his gun in a pocket and went back inside.

He was arrested Friday on a misdemeanor charge of discharging a firearm in public. He posted $100 bail Saturday.

McGivney said the car has been giving him trouble for years and had "outlived its usefulness." He called the shooting "dumb" and worries he will be evicted. But he doesn't regret it.

"I think every guy in the universe has wanted to do it," McGivney told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "It was worth every damn minute in that jail."

I believe John might need to find other outlets for his frustration.

Either that, or donate the car to a worthy cause.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 08:51 AM | Comments (1)

April 19, 2005

Priorities--always the priorities.

MOBILE, Ala. (AP) — A Mobile woman has been jailed on charges accusing her of driving her vehicle into two cars and a pedestrian before fleeing on foot, bringing along her 6-year-old son while carrying a bottle of wine.

Police Cpl. Marcus Young said Yanique Mauldin, 32, abandoned her vehicle and ran from officers Sunday afternoon.

Mauldin, who is already on probation for an assault conviction in 2004, was held on charges including felony leaving the scene of the accident, resisting arrest and misdemeanor DUI. [...]

::shaking head::

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 08:41 AM | Comments (2)

April 11, 2005


Ivan-struck bar on Florida-Alabama line to be bulldozed, rebuilt

Yes, the Flora-Bama--but wait, don't despair!

The Associated Press

PERDIDO KEY, Fla. (AP) — The famed Flora-Bama Lounge will be bulldozed because of damage from Hurricane Ivan, but the owners say it will be "just as low rent" as before when rebuilt on the Florida-Alabama state line.

The ramshackle bar, a beachfront landmark for 43 years, was still standing after the September hurricane, but Ivan's storm surge almost gutted the low-slung building, filling it with sand "bar high," said co-owner Joe Gilchrist.

He and partner Pat McClellan will hold an Irish wake Saturday for the old Flora-Bama. They said the 20th annual Interstate Mullet Toss also will go on as scheduled April 22, giving loyal fans yet another chance to see how far into the next state they can chuck the ubiquitous seafood staple. [...]

Even for those of us who do not imbibe of demon liquor, it was still a landmark.

I really kinda doubt it will be quite so ramshackle and low-rent as it was pre-hurricane, though--building codes and such. Maybe in another 43 years...

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 11:31 AM | Comments (0)

April 08, 2005

Err, thanks.

Via fellow redneckophile Dave Helton, we give you--

The Redneck Hot Tub.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 09:15 AM | Comments (3)