Possumblog

A virtual friendship, but a real loss.

I checked my email before I left for work this morning, and was greatly saddened to receive the following:

Terry and Jim [Jim Smith, who writes Unfreezing],

I just wanted to let you know that Steve passed away tonight. He was diagnosed with peritoneal carcinomatosis in late September and by mid-November was in hospice care (first at home and then at the in-patient facility). I know that he really enjoyed your blogs and sharing emails and odd news stories with both of you and he considered you to be his friends--he called you his virtual friends.

Please keep him (and me) in your prayers. I'm going to miss him terribly.

Thank you,
Kathie Hendry (aka Mrs. Steevil)

I sent Kathie a short response to express my sorrow at the news, but given how I knew Steve, I thought I would do well if I opened up the blog for a little while to reminisce.

Steve first dropped by, I think, because his brother Michael Hendry (aka Dr. Weevil) was one of the early members of the Axis of Weevil. And he just kept dropping by, with a variety of comments, computations, quotes, and quips, tales of rocket surgery and LBCs (little British cars) and Baltimorons, and Yanmar diesel engine repair and the thrilling sporting deeds of the University of Rhode Island. Take a look back through the archives to see some of what made Steve such a popular source of mirth around here.

I enjoyed conversing with Steve, and as Kathie notes, I considered him a good friend, despite the fact that we'd never met. Some folks are just like that, and Steve was one of them.

Which is why this news was all the sadder--since I pretty much closed up around here, I didn't get to talk to Steve nearly as much as in years past--every once in a while he'd send along a ill-written article from the Providence [RI] Journal or some stupid diversity memo from NASA that we could laugh at, but it was sort of hit-or-miss when something would fly over the transom.

The last time I had heard from him was in October, and I hadn't a clue that he was doing so badly. And that's my fault--I need to keep up with my friends, virtual or otherwise.

To Kathie and the Hendry family, thank you for sharing Stephen with us, and may God grant you grace and peace during this time.

Updates

Boy, I need to do a better job of being a benevolent dictator of the Axis of Weevil!

I was cruising through the referrer logs and noticed a visit from a site I'd not seen before, and after scurrying over to Medic 119's place, I see that this is the same fellow what used to go by the name of Seadoc up in the AoW blogroll.

I regret I haven't kept up with his exploits of late, and so I wanted to make up for that and tell you to hop over yourself and tell him we're all still thinking about him, and to congratulate him on that new stripe of his. Just be sure and wear shoes when you're walking around there, they got big critters.

Seeing him weighted down with his gear on down the page reminds me of one of my favorite possessions--a 1938 Army medic field manual. It's an interesting little guide on being a soldier and a caregiver, with tips on how to live the Army life and making sure the shoes in your locker are arranged properly, as well as things such as small unit tactics and weaponry, in addition to the more pertinent patchin' 'em up sections. The thing that is most notable is that even fully packed, the soldier of back then looked more like he was going on an hour-long hike. Small pack, bedroll, shovel, canteen, gas mask, pistol belt, rifle, and two medical pouches. Certainly wasn't anywhere near 145 pounds!

Anyway, keep up the good work, Corporal.

What You've All Been Waiting For!

The Axis of Weevil Headquarters Building Staff Christmas Gift List!

Being that they toil in relative anonymity, I thought, as Benevolent Leader, that it would be nice for once to bring our fine staff out of the shadows and allow them to share with you their Christmas gift wishes. Obviously, you don't HAVE to get them something, but I know they would appreciate even a token of recognition from Possumblog's many fans. Because there is no money this year for company bonuses or gifts.

ANYway, to start off, Chet the E-Mail Boy. Chet is quite the valued employee around here, whether it's oiling the Linotype machine or pumping out the septic tank. We love Chet, and even though he is an unpaid intern, we are happy to keep him agile and productive in his waning years.

DEAR MR OGLESBY: THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME WORK FOR YOU STOP I WANT A NEW BOX OF CORN FLAKES, SOME FOOT POWDER, AND A TOOTHBRUSH STOP THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL YOU DO FOR ME STOP

No, thank you, Chet! I'll see if I have a toothbrush around.

Next up, Miss Butch. This is Chet's Hmong ladyfriend, and technically, she is not an employee, paid or unpaid, but she keeps hanging around to try and catch Chet doing something wrong or making cow-eyes at the girls, so I went ahead and asked her what she wanted.

Je veux un fusil tuer les communistes culs, et quelques écrous bétel qui sont impossibles à recueillir dans cet endroit, et Chet doit cesser de regarder d'autres femmes!

Um. Okay.

Now then, many of you have spoken to Miss Wanda on the telephone and suffered from hearing loss after she slammed the phone down as she hung up on you. Please do not hold that against her, she is a very nice lady and if you don't agree she will adulterate the yogurt you brought for breakfast. So, here are her gift choices.

I want all of you goomers to stop leaving your dirty lunch boxes in the refrigerator, and I want everyone to fill our your W-4s right the first time and quit asking me to do it for you, and some mango citrus body wash from Bath and Body Works.

How nice!

Oh, and speaking of Chet and Miss Butch, Chet says that he'd like to request something for the company car, our beloved Mercury Tracer:

I DO NOT MEAN TO BE A PEST BUT WE HAVE NO BRAKE PADS LEFT ON THE FRONT AND CANNOT STOP STOP

Be glad to help you out, Chet. I'll see what we can find at Pull-a-Part.

Now then, for one of our far-flung overseas stringers, Irish Correspondent Pat Slagging, seen here at his most recent swell party in Cork. (Pat is asleep on the floor underneath the girl in the foreground.)

Pat says:

I just want to wish all of you a very happy Christmas and if I had one thing to wish for, it would be me own pub. And to be paid for my last story that you used.

What a nice fellow!

Next up, Ernesto, who handles all of our billing chores.

Ernesto asks for:

I just want a nice gun. Anything will do. And some cartridges for my gun. That's all. Ha-ha. I'm just joking. I really would like a kitten. And an iPod. Really. Oh. And a gun.

Hmm. Ernesto might need a break.

Up next, former Possumblog Sports Center Chief Statistician, the lovely redhead Ipsa Dixie!

Baker and Baker, Attorneys

2314 East North Boulevard
West Covina, CA

December 1, 2005

Dear Sir:

Must we remind you again that Ms. Dixie is no longer in your employ, and that your repeated attempts to contact her violate the terms of the no-contact order handed down by the court? Any further attempts to contact our client will be met with serious legal consequences.

Yours truly,

J.B. Baker, Esq.

P.S. I would like a new Parker pen, and one of those cool laptops that have the armored cover on them. Thanks!

One of our better known hangers-on is someone whose talents we make use of from time to time, and who conveniently lives right next door--that's right, it's Jimmy from next door (who has a condition)!

I would like to have a room of my own that I did not have to share with my aunt, and I would like it if she would leave my stuff alone in the closet, and I would like a box of real pastels and some sketch paper, and a Hello Kitty easel, and a subscription to Sports Illustrated, and a box of those chocolate turtles (not real turtles) and some socks, and a real watch instead of the toy one that my aunt gave me, and a girlfriend, and one of those belts that has your name on the back, or maybe one of the kits where you can do it yourself and make things like lanyards, and a ladder, and my very own pack of cards, and that's about it.

Not to be confused with Jimmy from next door, we now have those two rascally rednecks, Jimmy Neil and Clew.

(Jimmy Neil) I want some good dope. (Clew) I want that, and some beer, and I want one of them signs that says "FORD TRUCK PARKING ONLY" and I want a fruitcake. (Jimmy Neil) You ARE a fruitcake, man! (Clew) Shut up. (Jimmy Neil) No, you! Oh, hey, I want an iPod with the pictures on it. (Clew) Yeah, me too. And some beer. (Jimmy Neil) Yeah. Me too. And a car. (Clew) OH! HEY, I want like a place where you can get bail bonds like out of a vending machine--THAT would be cool! [This conversation went on for another thirty minutes. The remaining portion has been redacted for space considerations.]

Not to be outdone, Kit the Wonder Cat adds his two cents worth in the discussion.

Mmmrrrrr, ::hack::

Stupid cat.

One of the many success stories around the Possumblog Editorial Offices is that of Luther G. Cloode, who has parleyed his lack of ambition and mechanical skills into a high-paying career as a consultant to Cletus' Car Corner.

Luther says he would like:

I woold like to have everyone over to my house for chrismas except for my stupid nephews Jimmy niel and Clew, who are too stupid to live. I wuold also like to have one of those big Crafsman tool chestes that have all the tools in their. And a houseboat.

I'm sure you'll get just what you deserve, Luther!

Oh, and how could I forget dewey soft Possumblog White House Correspondent, Norah O'Donnell, seen here lounging in my office--

Norah requests from Santa:

Hi! I want a 40 carat diamond ring, a Bentley, and a mansion in Georgetown!

Thank goodness I have enough left in my discretionary fund for just such a request!

Next, Ibrahim Malwad, who runs our computer department.

Ibrahim writes to Santa for:

I have nothing to ask of your filthy saints nor any wish to celebrate the birth of your false prophet! I would like one of the desktop weather station/clock devices, a Playstation Portable, a new Norelco shaver, some new tee-shirts, and a kitten. Oh, and Death to America.

That Ibrahim is SUCH a kidder!

And finally, I suppose it's time to hear from your humble host and despotic ruler.

Oh, I don't know--a kitten, I suppose.

Thank you all for tuning in over the past few years, and for continuing to keep us on the New York Times Best Seller List. We couldn't have done it without you, the finest readership in the world!

I wonder if we can get a Mount Prospect City police car as our band car?

Larry Anderson, recovering from arm surgery but gamely typing away as some sort of perverse physical therapy, wonders this:

[...] I see that Nate McCord is learning to play the dulcimer so maybe we can form the Axis of Weevil Band and get famous. Jim Smith could send in some licks and we could get the Possumman to sing a few lines and the next thing you know, we have us a hit.

Oh, and from reading some other Weevilites, I think there are several musicians on the rolls who could contribute.

You know what? That really does sound like fun, although I'm not sure how we could pull it off given the widespread nature of the Redneck Diaspora.

So, who all do we have out there in the Axis of Weevil who are musically inclined? And how could we cut a record and still be all spread out all over the country like this? And could it include storytelling as well as music?

You know, having the first All-Blogger Band would be pretty cool.

As would riding around in the Bluesmobile.

A Bellicose Weevil Woman Goes to her Reward

I just found out this morning that one of the most fascinating women in the blogworld has passed away. Heather Bare, known to most of you as MommaBear, was quite a character, and I am proud to say she was a member in good standing of the odd little world of the Axis of Weevil. Here is the post from when she was inducted (along with Miss Meryl) back in January of 2003. One quote in particular says about as much about her as anything probably will--

I have two side-arms that are my 'carry guns'...tools...all the rest are my "toys", although they require a hell of a lot of care when handling!!

I really am 68...well, the chassis is, but I know I'm still only 43, which was one of my best years! So there!!

Indeed so.

All our best to her family.

Must be something in the air.

How else to explain the sudden uptick in people crazy enough to want to fill out paperwork for the Axis of Weevil?!

Oh, sure, there’s all the free junk, like the “Buy One String, Get One String Free” coupons from the House of String, and the good fellowship like our Thursday Afternoons Panhandling in the Streets get-togethers, and the nice pencils we steal from GoofyGolf World, but, still, all that glamour and excitement seems like it would be just too much for most people.

Apparently not.

ANYWHO, as I mentioned yesterday, Mrs. Adams mentioned LAST week that we ought to shanghai both Skinnydan AND Sarah G. to be in the Yellowhammer Computer Guild, and even in all of the confusion of staff turnover, we managed to get Dan all set. Sarah, whom I truly think is in this only to be able to meet Chet the E-Mail Boy, decided to place her signature to the official documents today as well. Poor woman.

SO, in order for us all to be able to get to know her, here is her completed application for us to look at. As Tarheel Marc Velazquez noted, it is occasionally necessary that the Calvinball Rules be applied in some cases. We do not do this lightly, preferring instead for the applicant simply to lie about their qualifications, but if necessary, we will take the appropriate steps to insure applicants are given every benefit of the doubt. Also, this rule-bending makes it much easier to mock them later if they mess up. “SEE!? We KNEW he shouldn’t have let YOU in!” Stuff like that always makes it fun around the office!

Anyway, here we go:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama.

Well I have never been the fair state of Alabama, but I've come close. I would be more than happy to visit if I ever had reason to. A good reason for me to travel would be a wedding or a dog show.

Sigh. Just like with Skinnydan, I believe a little editorial license is in order to make this more convincing. Let’s see…

“Why, of course I’d LOVE to live in Alabama! I love seeing all them huntin’ dogs run!” That’s better. I couldn’t think of anything about weddings, though. Anyway.

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

Not at all, I take pride in the fact that it is easier for me to list states I haven't been to than those I have. The list of states I've lived in is in between.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good.

I have a very low tolerance of idiots, idiotic behavior and idiotic policies.

And yet, she still wants to be a member of the Axis of Weevil…

4) Functionally literate.

I guess so. I read pretty good.

Show off.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

Lord no! That is one of my pet peeves.

6) Update your blog more than once a month.

Yup! Until I'm totally overwhelmed. Generally daily except for Saturday. That's the Sabbath dontcha ya know.

Indeed so. I do sometimes wonder, though, why God didn’t just make everything on one day and rest for the other six. That’d be kinda nice.

7) Willing to be made fun of.

Sure! Unless I need a nap.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself.

Well I do hang out here and I have a blog. I think that is enough proof.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning.

No, but I did print out the picture you posted for Dan. I do, however, have a fondness for the Colt building in Hartford, CT

Well, if you have the printout, it should be no trouble at all to frame it! You do have good taste in architecture, though.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read.

Yes, I have a pile of books next to my bed, a stack of magazines in the corner and I still check books out of the local library.

Speaking of which, did anyone else hear about the terrible fire at the library at the University of Alabama this past weekend? A tragic, total loss--both coloring books were burnt completely up.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory.

Python, check. Andy Griffith, well I can whistle the opening bit, I know who is who and I don't like the color episodes.

A very good start, but I believe it might do for you to have some remedial coursework, with an emphasis on Darlingology, and probably Advanced Rock Chunkin’. Also, although the B&W episodes are superior to the color versions, one must be very careful and not watch any of the ones with Jack Burns as Warren.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis.

We don't have a pick up truck, but we use or minivan like one. I take pride in the fact that our Freestar was probably the first one to have a lawn tractor stuffed in it. Oh and we have probably done more offroading in our minivans than your average fancy pants SUV.

If I am accepted into this august group I will do my
best to adhere to its principals. Also I don't keep kosher, but I am allergic to shellfish. So please, no shrimp gumbo (but I'm sure my husband would enjoy it!)

Sarah Getzler (hmm maybe I should make a cake)

You say “fancy pants” like it’s a bad thing.

Be that as it may, I think you will find your Freestar will be even more useful once you cut the roof off with a Sawzall. It’s great for those outsized items things that won’t lay down, such as hay balers, and Uncle Ed.

And the shrimp gumbo was Chet’s idea, because he’s not the brightest old geezer around.

BUT, GIVEN THAT SARAH has for some reason decided she wants to move her name down to the lower reaches of the blogroll, and seeing as how she has dutifully filled in all of the required information, AND SEEING AS HOW I am such a pushover for cake, BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME by Tommy Ned, who runs the Plate Press Shop at the Alabama Department of Corrections, I do hereby install one Sarah Getzler of Life at Full Volume as a full and complete member of the Deep South Quilting and Spite Society, better known to all as the Axis of Weevil, and do forthwith move her name from the top set of names to the bottom set of names!

As is customary with all new inductees (even if they are only moving next door), it is our joy to send to Sarah The World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, which is identical to that bestowed upon Skinnydan yesterday, containing a rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for the Freestar, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County; a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce ; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

When Chet arrives, please be sure and give him my cake. Do not tell him it’s cake, though, or he’ll eat it and it’ll gum up his insides.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! In a stunning turnabout, Jimmy, from next door, who has a condition, seems to have miraculously recovered from his torpor and ennui of the day yester, and has become quite agitated and excited about setting out on a new course of artistic endeavors he guarantees will be both therapeutic and remunerative. In honor of Sarah’s affection for the well-known breed of dogs know for hunting badgers, Jimmy has decided to decorate pine cones with little plastic eyes and noses for Sarah and her family, including any dogs that might be wanting a wonderful craft item. We thank Jimmy for his wonderful willingness to help out, although I think he’s mistaking badgers for prickly hedgehogs.

Anyway, congratulations, Sarah. As you know, be careful about leaving anything in the refrigerator, because Nadine and Misty get very angry and start throwing things away after a week, and they won’t give you your phone messages, and I think they might have been responsible for putting grease in the mailbox, but you didn’t hear that from me.

In our discussion in the week past regarding Moses and barbecue...

...Larry Anderson asked in the comment section if the Axis of Weevil Board of Registrars had ever considered making Skinnydan (who by then had become part of the topic of conversation) an "honorary" member of the Alabama Knitting and Invective Society.

Well, as we all know, there are no honorary members--you're either a Weevil or you ain't. Having said that, though, the only drawback was that there seemed to be no application on record from Mr. Dan regarding his desire to be a member, and as we all know, we are quite the stickler for properly filled out paperwork. Well, there was that, and I had gotten the indication that Dan wasn't really THAT interested in pretending as though he would like to live in Alabama.

Further clamor for the relocation of Skinnydan from one part of the blogroll to another was offered by Mrs. Adams, who suggested bypassing the proper procedures and simply sending Chet the E-Mail Boy via train, of all things, to New York with a World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, and while he was at it, to drop one off in Virginia as well for Sarah G. And then something about an aardvark--whatever THAT might mean.

BUT WHAT ABOUT PROCEDURES, PEOPLE!? WHAT ABOUT TRADITION!?

Then this morning, I walked in and noticed that Dan says he DID send in an application, and that Junior in the mailroom has been messing with it for over a YEAR!

Obviously, everything is just falling apart around here--inadequate internal controls, people bypassing established procedures, people leaving old tunafish sandwiches in the refrigerator--wellll, it's going to stop. Junior has been made redundant (more than he already was) and was escorted from the building this morning. In his desk we found several applications, and as Dan mentioned, one he had sent in so very long ago, but as a courtesy, I asked Skinnydan to fill out another one just so we could have a clean copy that didn't have greasy potato chip stains on it.

Well, let's examine it, then, and see how he stacks up against our high standards and exclusivity:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama

Ummm, I can find it on a map?

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

Heck no. Why be embarrased by a grasp of geography?

Now, despite the fact that he's already ahead of probably half the population, this first requirement is crucial to establishing what we call "street cred." If you're gonna be a Weevil, you have to be able to rub the Boll Weevil Statue in Enterprise without making a mockery of the whole ceremony. You have to be strong, and committed, and love Alabama with a whole-hearted devotion. Or, you know, be willing to prevaricate a bit. With that in mind, I would like to take a moment here to get out the e-WhiteOut and fix Dan's application so it reads better. "Oh, yes--when I'm not summering in the Hamptons, I'm wintering along the Redneck Riviera. Y'all." There now. Much better. NEXT--

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

Now, now. I happen to like some idiots. I like them locked in cages wearing signs saying "Don't point cameras at the liberal senators", but I like 'em.

If anything, Dan gets sympathy points for having to endure representation by Chuck Schumer and Hillary Clinton.

4) Functionally literate

Literate, yes. Functional - meh.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD

I wouldn't call what I do typing. I can, however, hunt & peck with the best of them.

A bit like being the world's shortest giant, but I think we can live with that...

6) Update your blog more than once a month

Close enough. I'd like a waiver for October, given the steady parade of Jewish Holidays.

Which the Rules Committee is quite willing to overlook for a batch of raspberry hamantaschen.

7) Willing to be made fun of

Boy, this club has a lot of rules. I suppose.

Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

Only on days ending in "y".

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

I got a framed picture of Steve Yzerman and another one of John Vanbiesbrouck. It's not quite what you wanted, but I think I've cornered the market on oddly spelled hockey players.

An admirable goal, and I admire your puckishness. However, John Browning must be paid homage so you must clip this out, frame it, and place it in a prominent location within your home--you'll be glad you did, and it makes his merry eyes twinkle and his mustache twitch.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

Check. Lots of them belong to the Mrs., but I can't read all of mine either.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

Pinin' for the fjords? Opie, that possum wouldn't Voom if you put 10,000 volts through it.

Someone's obviously been studying!

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

What you call a pickup truck, we call a black '78 Caddy. Tomato, potahto, potato, tomahto.

Fuhgeddaboutit.

Watch your language, young man!

As for trucks and Caddies, now that we have the Escalade, you can have your Caddy and ea--umm. Well, shoot. I had a good pun for "cake and eat it, too," but I lost my train of thought.

ANYWAY, I believe that after reviewing this application, and in consultation with various other voices in my head, that there is nothing here that would disqualify Skinnydan from upping stakes from the upper blogroll and plopping down in the southern half.

SO IT IS WITH GREAT FEELING AND EMOTION, that we, the fearsome conglomeration of persons known far and wide as the Axis of Weevil, do hereby INSTALL, INDUCT, and INCULCATE the most famous man in New York into our proud assemblage, AND BY THE POWER BESTOWED UPON ME by various lunatics, I do solemly bestow upon Skinnydan all of the rights, privileges, taxes, fees, mulcts, dunnages, and coupons pursuant to said membership.

Congratulations, Dan, and as is customary with all new Inductees, we would like to present to you The World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing as it does a decidedly non-kosher rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for your black '78 Cadillac, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County--although I doubt that it's kosher by any reasonable measure); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs--delicious and more than likely not kosher; a box of Jim Dandy grits which are more than likely kosher; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce which is so salty it must come from the Dead Sea, which is in the Holy Land, therefore it could be kosher; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale, which might be kosher since buffalo chew their cud and have split hooves, but then again, the name has nothing to do with the contents of the can, which, as far as I have been able to determine, contains zero grams of buffalo. Or rocks.

Obviously, the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack presents problems for those on a restricted diet, and Chet's suggestions of catfish fillets and shrimp gumbo were useless.

SO, Skinnydan's first assignment is to assemble a list of clean items from his home state of Alabama which would be appropriate to give to fellow keepers of kashrut. And he thought being a Weevil would be a cushy job!

IN ANOTHER DISAPPOINTMENT, Jimmy who lives next door, and who has a condition, is feeling quite down in the dumps, seeing as how Junior was his step-uncle on his mother's side, and seeing as how Junior was his source for Victoria's Secret catalogs that came through the mailroom, and now with Junior's sudden departure, it appears that Jimmy's condition has taken a turn for the worse. Usually Jimmy is quite anxious to welcome new members with various arts and/or craft projects that he undertakes both as therapy and as an outlet for what he calls his "muse." Which he pronounces "moose." But with Jimmy having taken to his bed, we were at a loss for that special extra touch that makes everyone want to be an Axisite. BUT IN AN EXTREMELY FORTUNATE HAPPENSTANCE, we found that we still have a lovely full-size "Moorenumental" polyresin reproduction of the Alabama Supreme Court 10 Commandments. This is one FULL-SIZE and will make a lovely decoration in anyone's yard, including Skinnydan's, and it has the 10 Commandments right on the top in the authentic King James text, just like the original!

So, we have awoken Chet the E-Mail Boy, loaded up the company's Mercury Tracer (as if we could afford a TRAIN TICKET! Sheesh!) with goodies, strapped the monument to the roof, strapped Chet behind the wheel, and send him your way, Dan. Please keep an eye out for him, because he has been known to drive into large bodies of water, and has a fear of ferrets and weasels.

As I was standing here...

...in my luxurious penthouse office high atop the second floor of the opulent Axis of Weevil World Headquarters, absentmindedly stroking a bronze bust of the poet Burns (George), I noticed Chet the E-Mail Boy out in the yard below, slowly pushing the lawnmower with his usual short, hopping motions.

Poor Chet--at his age, and him out in this hot sun, and in the middle of an ozone alert! I opened the window and yelled out to him, "CHET! Don't forget the part over by the dumpster!" Poor, hard-working, Chet. I really should pay him something. Then I think to myself, "Why? He'd only go waste it on corn flakes and snuff."

I sat back down at my reproduction antique mahogany-grained particle board desk to get back to work, plotting world domination. It would be so much easier if the address list was up-to-date, you know? I mean, is it that hard?

I rifled through the in-box--darned Bilderbergers and their silly tracts! Sale paper from the Illuminati. Hmm, they've got Rockport walking shoes on sale. Vinyl siding offer from the Trilateral Commission. As if! They'd probably only finish three sides of the place before they ran off with the money. Something from Wal-Mart, a coupon booklet from The Black Helicopter Company. Ho-hum.

BUT THEN, what's THIS!?

I took the paper from the box...

I flew to the window again, "CHET! CHET, COME HERE! I NEED YOU!"

This could be the big break I've been plotting for years! Chet finally made it up the stair and into the office, the squeaky wheels of his oxygen canister cart heralding his approach. "CHET! You REALLY need to put some grease on those wheels, old fellow, but more importantly, I need you to take a telegram!"

It seems that a certain woman, who recently became known to us by the cryptic title of "KS'sLF," or "Lauren," had been told by her media-savvy blogging man-friend Kenny Smith that she should apply for membership in the Sacred Order of Cotton State Writers and Ne'er-do-wells.

You see, it turns out that this mystery woman--also known as "Annie" (presumably for Anonymous, and not the red-headed orphan kid with hollow eyes) has her own blog, AND not only that, she works at a well-known local media outlet. THIS was just what I needed--an inside path to gain control of my very own television station!

BUWWAAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAAAA! BUWAAAAAAAAHA HAHAHAHA! BUWAHAHA-Wahahah::cough::hack:: Man, that hurt.

ANYway, I hurriedly dictated a note to Chet, who furiously scribbled it onto one of his yellowed, leftover Western Union sheets. "Hurry, Chet! And Chet?"

"Yes?" he wheezed.

"Please--change your shirt. You have grass all over you, and you smell like sweat and Old Spice."

He tipped his hat and I tossed him a quarter, and then he wheeled about and squeaked back down the steps to the boiler room, to his telegraph key.

NOT LONG THEREAFTER, I heard dear Chet the E-Mail Boy come clomping back up the steps and down the hall to my office door. I decided not to spring out from behind the door and scare him as I had done last week, because I think we nearly lost him that time. And he still has to fill in the sink hole in the side yard by the storage shed. And help Luther fix the differential in the dump truck.

So, I allowed him to come in with the eagerly-awaited reply without being unduly frightened. He handed me a freshly-inked sheet of paper hot off the Merganthaler linotype, I made my corrections to the spelling, he disappeared and reset the type, reinked the plate, then finally gave me an acceptable final copy. And here now is Annie-Lauren's application answers:

Let's see if I can pass the rigorous test...

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama

~Check. I live and work in B'ham

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

~Check. I used to be, but then I realized the joy of getting people to give me "The Look" when I say where I live. And then I can laugh.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

~"Here's your sign." Best line ever created.

Although "git 'er done" scores well, also. And various R. Lee Ermey lines from Full Metal Jacket. Anyway--

4) Functionally literate

~More so than some!! Hehe!

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD

~I was a double major in college. One of those majors was English. Hooked on Phonics worked for me.

Hmm, well, I don't suppose it's too much of a problem that she's an English major. After some unlearning, she should be fine. And maybe something sparkly to wear, like a drum majorette uniform. That would be cool!

6) Update your blog more than once a month

~Check. If all else fails, you'll get the "What I learned this week" post on Fridays

7) Willing to be made fun of

~Check. You can read about the fun my co-workers have at my expense in my blog.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

~Check. Because really, if I couldn't laugh at myself, I'd be a sad individual.

True, but, let's remember, it's really more important in the greater scheme of things that we can laugh at you.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

~Nope. But I do know who he is. Remember - I'm slowly being converted to the ways of the South.

Sorry, no excuse. Click here, clip and past on the wall, please.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

~Check. And I go to the library and take out even more to read in all my 'spare' time. Ha.

In the words of that great American puppyeater, Glenn Reynolds, "...Indeed."

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

~Check on the Monty Python...not so check on Andy

The Axis of Weevil Campus Outreach Program will be having a Mayberry Refresher Course on August 19, 2005. Spaces are limited, sign up today.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

~I don't have a pickup truck, but if you know of one for sale that I could buy for $100 or so to use 2x a year to haul crap, let me know...

And by the way...I do know someone else that doesn't own a pick up truck. But said he would let me drive his riding mower.

Well, as you all know, even I no longer possess a factory-built pickup truck, although I have been the proud past owner of three, all of which worked. However, as I have counseled applicants in the past, it is quite easy to convert any sedan into a pickup truck through the use of a Sawzall. Just start behind the back of the doors and start cutting the roof off, and pretty soon you can have your own custom El Camino-like vehicle. Like this lovely Volvo... THAT'S what mine's gonna look like! Anywho, the riding lawnmower thing is a good idea, too. (Be sure to get the newest one, made right here in Alabama.)

Can't wait to see how I fare...

WELL, all in all, I think very well, Laurannie! I mean, aside from being a Yankee and all that.

SO THEN, by the powers bestowed upon me by Rhonda at the Shell station, who complimented my haircut, BE IT KNOWN TO ALL that Annie (or Laurel Ann, or whoever she really is), writer of the superlative A Yank Gone South blog (and not to be confused with Miss Janis' Gone South blog, which has many more birds), is HEREWITH inducted into the Yellowhammer Quilting and Conversation Guild, better known to most as the fearsome and mighty Axis of Weevil, with all of the rights and obligations devolving thereto, including, but not limited to, occasional use of the company's Mercury Tracer.

WELCOME, Annie, and as is customary with all new persons shanghaied into the AoW, you can expect to receive your very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Basket, containing a rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for your lawnmower, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Jimmy from next door (who has a condition) has asked that he be allowed to let his artistic talents spring forth (recognizing that the last time that happened, his aunt caught him and grounded him for a month) by creating for you a special sculpture of the venerable local television personality Joe Langston, created entirely from Vienna sausage cans! Jimmy avers that the medium is very difficult to work with, but promises an unprecedented level of detail. And a rather delicious aroma.

SO, then, all of you say hello to our newest Weevil! Although you might have to do so in the comments here, since she doesn't seem to have a way to leave comments at her site.

IN RELATED NEWS, it's time the refrigerator in the break room was cleaned out. Anything left in there by Friday and Miss Nadine is going to throw it out, bowl and all. Also, staff are requested to quit taking home the yellow notepads. Those are mine. Further, the Employee of the Month sign has been taken from the parking spot by the back door. Please return this as soon as possible, because the restroom key was attached to it.

Thank you.

OH, and I need the keys to the television station for just a few hours, Annie. Thanks again.