Possumblog

What You've All Been Waiting For!

The Axis of Weevil Headquarters Building Staff Christmas Gift List!

Being that they toil in relative anonymity, I thought, as Benevolent Leader, that it would be nice for once to bring our fine staff out of the shadows and allow them to share with you their Christmas gift wishes. Obviously, you don't HAVE to get them something, but I know they would appreciate even a token of recognition from Possumblog's many fans. Because there is no money this year for company bonuses or gifts.

ANYway, to start off, Chet the E-Mail Boy. Chet is quite the valued employee around here, whether it's oiling the Linotype machine or pumping out the septic tank. We love Chet, and even though he is an unpaid intern, we are happy to keep him agile and productive in his waning years.

DEAR MR OGLESBY: THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME WORK FOR YOU STOP I WANT A NEW BOX OF CORN FLAKES, SOME FOOT POWDER, AND A TOOTHBRUSH STOP THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL YOU DO FOR ME STOP

No, thank you, Chet! I'll see if I have a toothbrush around.

Next up, Miss Butch. This is Chet's Hmong ladyfriend, and technically, she is not an employee, paid or unpaid, but she keeps hanging around to try and catch Chet doing something wrong or making cow-eyes at the girls, so I went ahead and asked her what she wanted.

Je veux un fusil tuer les communistes culs, et quelques écrous bétel qui sont impossibles à recueillir dans cet endroit, et Chet doit cesser de regarder d'autres femmes!

Um. Okay.

Now then, many of you have spoken to Miss Wanda on the telephone and suffered from hearing loss after she slammed the phone down as she hung up on you. Please do not hold that against her, she is a very nice lady and if you don't agree she will adulterate the yogurt you brought for breakfast. So, here are her gift choices.

I want all of you goomers to stop leaving your dirty lunch boxes in the refrigerator, and I want everyone to fill our your W-4s right the first time and quit asking me to do it for you, and some mango citrus body wash from Bath and Body Works.

How nice!

Oh, and speaking of Chet and Miss Butch, Chet says that he'd like to request something for the company car, our beloved Mercury Tracer:

I DO NOT MEAN TO BE A PEST BUT WE HAVE NO BRAKE PADS LEFT ON THE FRONT AND CANNOT STOP STOP

Be glad to help you out, Chet. I'll see what we can find at Pull-a-Part.

Now then, for one of our far-flung overseas stringers, Irish Correspondent Pat Slagging, seen here at his most recent swell party in Cork. (Pat is asleep on the floor underneath the girl in the foreground.)

Pat says:

I just want to wish all of you a very happy Christmas and if I had one thing to wish for, it would be me own pub. And to be paid for my last story that you used.

What a nice fellow!

Next up, Ernesto, who handles all of our billing chores.

Ernesto asks for:

I just want a nice gun. Anything will do. And some cartridges for my gun. That's all. Ha-ha. I'm just joking. I really would like a kitten. And an iPod. Really. Oh. And a gun.

Hmm. Ernesto might need a break.

Up next, former Possumblog Sports Center Chief Statistician, the lovely redhead Ipsa Dixie!

Baker and Baker, Attorneys

2314 East North Boulevard
West Covina, CA

December 1, 2005

Dear Sir:

Must we remind you again that Ms. Dixie is no longer in your employ, and that your repeated attempts to contact her violate the terms of the no-contact order handed down by the court? Any further attempts to contact our client will be met with serious legal consequences.

Yours truly,

J.B. Baker, Esq.

P.S. I would like a new Parker pen, and one of those cool laptops that have the armored cover on them. Thanks!

One of our better known hangers-on is someone whose talents we make use of from time to time, and who conveniently lives right next door--that's right, it's Jimmy from next door (who has a condition)!

I would like to have a room of my own that I did not have to share with my aunt, and I would like it if she would leave my stuff alone in the closet, and I would like a box of real pastels and some sketch paper, and a Hello Kitty easel, and a subscription to Sports Illustrated, and a box of those chocolate turtles (not real turtles) and some socks, and a real watch instead of the toy one that my aunt gave me, and a girlfriend, and one of those belts that has your name on the back, or maybe one of the kits where you can do it yourself and make things like lanyards, and a ladder, and my very own pack of cards, and that's about it.

Not to be confused with Jimmy from next door, we now have those two rascally rednecks, Jimmy Neil and Clew.

(Jimmy Neil) I want some good dope. (Clew) I want that, and some beer, and I want one of them signs that says "FORD TRUCK PARKING ONLY" and I want a fruitcake. (Jimmy Neil) You ARE a fruitcake, man! (Clew) Shut up. (Jimmy Neil) No, you! Oh, hey, I want an iPod with the pictures on it. (Clew) Yeah, me too. And some beer. (Jimmy Neil) Yeah. Me too. And a car. (Clew) OH! HEY, I want like a place where you can get bail bonds like out of a vending machine--THAT would be cool! [This conversation went on for another thirty minutes. The remaining portion has been redacted for space considerations.]

Not to be outdone, Kit the Wonder Cat adds his two cents worth in the discussion.

Mmmrrrrr, ::hack::

Stupid cat.

One of the many success stories around the Possumblog Editorial Offices is that of Luther G. Cloode, who has parleyed his lack of ambition and mechanical skills into a high-paying career as a consultant to Cletus' Car Corner.

Luther says he would like:

I woold like to have everyone over to my house for chrismas except for my stupid nephews Jimmy niel and Clew, who are too stupid to live. I wuold also like to have one of those big Crafsman tool chestes that have all the tools in their. And a houseboat.

I'm sure you'll get just what you deserve, Luther!

Oh, and how could I forget dewey soft Possumblog White House Correspondent, Norah O'Donnell, seen here lounging in my office--

Norah requests from Santa:

Hi! I want a 40 carat diamond ring, a Bentley, and a mansion in Georgetown!

Thank goodness I have enough left in my discretionary fund for just such a request!

Next, Ibrahim Malwad, who runs our computer department.

Ibrahim writes to Santa for:

I have nothing to ask of your filthy saints nor any wish to celebrate the birth of your false prophet! I would like one of the desktop weather station/clock devices, a Playstation Portable, a new Norelco shaver, some new tee-shirts, and a kitten. Oh, and Death to America.

That Ibrahim is SUCH a kidder!

And finally, I suppose it's time to hear from your humble host and despotic ruler.

Oh, I don't know--a kitten, I suppose.

Thank you all for tuning in over the past few years, and for continuing to keep us on the New York Times Best Seller List. We couldn't have done it without you, the finest readership in the world!

Posted by Terry Oglesby at December 6, 2005 12:29 PM