Possumblog

Must be something in the air.

How else to explain the sudden uptick in people crazy enough to want to fill out paperwork for the Axis of Weevil?!

Oh, sure, there’s all the free junk, like the “Buy One String, Get One String Free” coupons from the House of String, and the good fellowship like our Thursday Afternoons Panhandling in the Streets get-togethers, and the nice pencils we steal from GoofyGolf World, but, still, all that glamour and excitement seems like it would be just too much for most people.

Apparently not.

ANYWHO, as I mentioned yesterday, Mrs. Adams mentioned LAST week that we ought to shanghai both Skinnydan AND Sarah G. to be in the Yellowhammer Computer Guild, and even in all of the confusion of staff turnover, we managed to get Dan all set. Sarah, whom I truly think is in this only to be able to meet Chet the E-Mail Boy, decided to place her signature to the official documents today as well. Poor woman.

SO, in order for us all to be able to get to know her, here is her completed application for us to look at. As Tarheel Marc Velazquez noted, it is occasionally necessary that the Calvinball Rules be applied in some cases. We do not do this lightly, preferring instead for the applicant simply to lie about their qualifications, but if necessary, we will take the appropriate steps to insure applicants are given every benefit of the doubt. Also, this rule-bending makes it much easier to mock them later if they mess up. “SEE!? We KNEW he shouldn’t have let YOU in!” Stuff like that always makes it fun around the office!

Anyway, here we go:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama.

Well I have never been the fair state of Alabama, but I've come close. I would be more than happy to visit if I ever had reason to. A good reason for me to travel would be a wedding or a dog show.

Sigh. Just like with Skinnydan, I believe a little editorial license is in order to make this more convincing. Let’s see…

“Why, of course I’d LOVE to live in Alabama! I love seeing all them huntin’ dogs run!” That’s better. I couldn’t think of anything about weddings, though. Anyway.

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

Not at all, I take pride in the fact that it is easier for me to list states I haven't been to than those I have. The list of states I've lived in is in between.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good.

I have a very low tolerance of idiots, idiotic behavior and idiotic policies.

And yet, she still wants to be a member of the Axis of Weevil…

4) Functionally literate.

I guess so. I read pretty good.

Show off.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

Lord no! That is one of my pet peeves.

6) Update your blog more than once a month.

Yup! Until I'm totally overwhelmed. Generally daily except for Saturday. That's the Sabbath dontcha ya know.

Indeed so. I do sometimes wonder, though, why God didn’t just make everything on one day and rest for the other six. That’d be kinda nice.

7) Willing to be made fun of.

Sure! Unless I need a nap.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself.

Well I do hang out here and I have a blog. I think that is enough proof.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning.

No, but I did print out the picture you posted for Dan. I do, however, have a fondness for the Colt building in Hartford, CT

Well, if you have the printout, it should be no trouble at all to frame it! You do have good taste in architecture, though.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read.

Yes, I have a pile of books next to my bed, a stack of magazines in the corner and I still check books out of the local library.

Speaking of which, did anyone else hear about the terrible fire at the library at the University of Alabama this past weekend? A tragic, total loss--both coloring books were burnt completely up.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory.

Python, check. Andy Griffith, well I can whistle the opening bit, I know who is who and I don't like the color episodes.

A very good start, but I believe it might do for you to have some remedial coursework, with an emphasis on Darlingology, and probably Advanced Rock Chunkin’. Also, although the B&W episodes are superior to the color versions, one must be very careful and not watch any of the ones with Jack Burns as Warren.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis.

We don't have a pick up truck, but we use or minivan like one. I take pride in the fact that our Freestar was probably the first one to have a lawn tractor stuffed in it. Oh and we have probably done more offroading in our minivans than your average fancy pants SUV.

If I am accepted into this august group I will do my
best to adhere to its principals. Also I don't keep kosher, but I am allergic to shellfish. So please, no shrimp gumbo (but I'm sure my husband would enjoy it!)

Sarah Getzler (hmm maybe I should make a cake)

You say “fancy pants” like it’s a bad thing.

Be that as it may, I think you will find your Freestar will be even more useful once you cut the roof off with a Sawzall. It’s great for those outsized items things that won’t lay down, such as hay balers, and Uncle Ed.

And the shrimp gumbo was Chet’s idea, because he’s not the brightest old geezer around.

BUT, GIVEN THAT SARAH has for some reason decided she wants to move her name down to the lower reaches of the blogroll, and seeing as how she has dutifully filled in all of the required information, AND SEEING AS HOW I am such a pushover for cake, BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME by Tommy Ned, who runs the Plate Press Shop at the Alabama Department of Corrections, I do hereby install one Sarah Getzler of Life at Full Volume as a full and complete member of the Deep South Quilting and Spite Society, better known to all as the Axis of Weevil, and do forthwith move her name from the top set of names to the bottom set of names!

As is customary with all new inductees (even if they are only moving next door), it is our joy to send to Sarah The World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, which is identical to that bestowed upon Skinnydan yesterday, containing a rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for the Freestar, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County; a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce ; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

When Chet arrives, please be sure and give him my cake. Do not tell him it’s cake, though, or he’ll eat it and it’ll gum up his insides.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! In a stunning turnabout, Jimmy, from next door, who has a condition, seems to have miraculously recovered from his torpor and ennui of the day yester, and has become quite agitated and excited about setting out on a new course of artistic endeavors he guarantees will be both therapeutic and remunerative. In honor of Sarah’s affection for the well-known breed of dogs know for hunting badgers, Jimmy has decided to decorate pine cones with little plastic eyes and noses for Sarah and her family, including any dogs that might be wanting a wonderful craft item. We thank Jimmy for his wonderful willingness to help out, although I think he’s mistaking badgers for prickly hedgehogs.

Anyway, congratulations, Sarah. As you know, be careful about leaving anything in the refrigerator, because Nadine and Misty get very angry and start throwing things away after a week, and they won’t give you your phone messages, and I think they might have been responsible for putting grease in the mailbox, but you didn’t hear that from me.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at October 11, 2005 04:53 PM