July 27, 2005

As I was standing here...

...in my luxurious penthouse office high atop the second floor of the opulent Axis of Weevil World Headquarters, absentmindedly stroking a bronze bust of the poet Burns (George), I noticed Chet the E-Mail Boy out in the yard below, slowly pushing the lawnmower with his usual short, hopping motions.

Poor Chet--at his age, and him out in this hot sun, and in the middle of an ozone alert! I opened the window and yelled out to him, "CHET! Don't forget the part over by the dumpster!" Poor, hard-working, Chet. I really should pay him something. Then I think to myself, "Why? He'd only go waste it on corn flakes and snuff."

I sat back down at my reproduction antique mahogany-grained particle board desk to get back to work, plotting world domination. It would be so much easier if the address list was up-to-date, you know? I mean, is it that hard?

I rifled through the in-box--darned Bilderbergers and their silly tracts! Sale paper from the Illuminati. Hmm, they've got Rockport walking shoes on sale. Vinyl siding offer from the Trilateral Commission. As if! They'd probably only finish three sides of the place before they ran off with the money. Something from Wal-Mart, a coupon booklet from The Black Helicopter Company. Ho-hum.

BUT THEN, what's THIS!?

I took the paper from the box...

I flew to the window again, "CHET! CHET, COME HERE! I NEED YOU!"

This could be the big break I've been plotting for years! Chet finally made it up the stair and into the office, the squeaky wheels of his oxygen canister cart heralding his approach. "CHET! You REALLY need to put some grease on those wheels, old fellow, but more importantly, I need you to take a telegram!"

It seems that a certain woman, who recently became known to us by the cryptic title of "KS'sLF," or "Lauren," had been told by her media-savvy blogging man-friend Kenny Smith that she should apply for membership in the Sacred Order of Cotton State Writers and Ne'er-do-wells.

You see, it turns out that this mystery woman--also known as "Annie" (presumably for Anonymous, and not the red-headed orphan kid with hollow eyes) has her own blog, AND not only that, she works at a well-known local media outlet. THIS was just what I needed--an inside path to gain control of my very own television station!


ANYway, I hurriedly dictated a note to Chet, who furiously scribbled it onto one of his yellowed, leftover Western Union sheets. "Hurry, Chet! And Chet?"

"Yes?" he wheezed.

"Please--change your shirt. You have grass all over you, and you smell like sweat and Old Spice."

He tipped his hat and I tossed him a quarter, and then he wheeled about and squeaked back down the steps to the boiler room, to his telegraph key.

NOT LONG THEREAFTER, I heard dear Chet the E-Mail Boy come clomping back up the steps and down the hall to my office door. I decided not to spring out from behind the door and scare him as I had done last week, because I think we nearly lost him that time. And he still has to fill in the sink hole in the side yard by the storage shed. And help Luther fix the differential in the dump truck.

So, I allowed him to come in with the eagerly-awaited reply without being unduly frightened. He handed me a freshly-inked sheet of paper hot off the Merganthaler linotype, I made my corrections to the spelling, he disappeared and reset the type, reinked the plate, then finally gave me an acceptable final copy. And here now is Annie-Lauren's application answers:

Let's see if I can pass the rigorous test...

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama

~Check. I live and work in B'ham

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

~Check. I used to be, but then I realized the joy of getting people to give me "The Look" when I say where I live. And then I can laugh.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

~"Here's your sign." Best line ever created.

Although "git 'er done" scores well, also. And various R. Lee Ermey lines from Full Metal Jacket. Anyway--

4) Functionally literate

~More so than some!! Hehe!

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD

~I was a double major in college. One of those majors was English. Hooked on Phonics worked for me.

Hmm, well, I don't suppose it's too much of a problem that she's an English major. After some unlearning, she should be fine. And maybe something sparkly to wear, like a drum majorette uniform. That would be cool!

6) Update your blog more than once a month

~Check. If all else fails, you'll get the "What I learned this week" post on Fridays

7) Willing to be made fun of

~Check. You can read about the fun my co-workers have at my expense in my blog.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

~Check. Because really, if I couldn't laugh at myself, I'd be a sad individual.

True, but, let's remember, it's really more important in the greater scheme of things that we can laugh at you.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

~Nope. But I do know who he is. Remember - I'm slowly being converted to the ways of the South.

Sorry, no excuse. Click here, clip and past on the wall, please.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

~Check. And I go to the library and take out even more to read in all my 'spare' time. Ha.

In the words of that great American puppyeater, Glenn Reynolds, "...Indeed."

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

~Check on the Monty Python...not so check on Andy

The Axis of Weevil Campus Outreach Program will be having a Mayberry Refresher Course on August 19, 2005. Spaces are limited, sign up today.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

~I don't have a pickup truck, but if you know of one for sale that I could buy for $100 or so to use 2x a year to haul crap, let me know...

And by the way...I do know someone else that doesn't own a pick up truck. But said he would let me drive his riding mower.

Well, as you all know, even I no longer possess a factory-built pickup truck, although I have been the proud past owner of three, all of which worked. However, as I have counseled applicants in the past, it is quite easy to convert any sedan into a pickup truck through the use of a Sawzall. Just start behind the back of the doors and start cutting the roof off, and pretty soon you can have your own custom El Camino-like vehicle. Like this lovely Volvo... THAT'S what mine's gonna look like! Anywho, the riding lawnmower thing is a good idea, too. (Be sure to get the newest one, made right here in Alabama.)

Can't wait to see how I fare...

WELL, all in all, I think very well, Laurannie! I mean, aside from being a Yankee and all that.

SO THEN, by the powers bestowed upon me by Rhonda at the Shell station, who complimented my haircut, BE IT KNOWN TO ALL that Annie (or Laurel Ann, or whoever she really is), writer of the superlative A Yank Gone South blog (and not to be confused with Miss Janis' Gone South blog, which has many more birds), is HEREWITH inducted into the Yellowhammer Quilting and Conversation Guild, better known to most as the fearsome and mighty Axis of Weevil, with all of the rights and obligations devolving thereto, including, but not limited to, occasional use of the company's Mercury Tracer.

WELCOME, Annie, and as is customary with all new persons shanghaied into the AoW, you can expect to receive your very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Basket, containing a rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for your lawnmower, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Jimmy from next door (who has a condition) has asked that he be allowed to let his artistic talents spring forth (recognizing that the last time that happened, his aunt caught him and grounded him for a month) by creating for you a special sculpture of the venerable local television personality Joe Langston, created entirely from Vienna sausage cans! Jimmy avers that the medium is very difficult to work with, but promises an unprecedented level of detail. And a rather delicious aroma.

SO, then, all of you say hello to our newest Weevil! Although you might have to do so in the comments here, since she doesn't seem to have a way to leave comments at her site.

IN RELATED NEWS, it's time the refrigerator in the break room was cleaned out. Anything left in there by Friday and Miss Nadine is going to throw it out, bowl and all. Also, staff are requested to quit taking home the yellow notepads. Those are mine. Further, the Employee of the Month sign has been taken from the parking spot by the back door. Please return this as soon as possible, because the restroom key was attached to it.

Thank you.

OH, and I need the keys to the television station for just a few hours, Annie. Thanks again.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at July 27, 2005 03:05 PM

First of all, if this Annie person has a real type address, not just one of those no-good internet addresses, she should be eligible to receive some no-kidding AoW memorabilia like a sticker or something.

'Cept I just realized, its not really AoW stuff. Maybe I can fix that...

Posted by: Nate at July 27, 2005 04:51 PM

The keys? Sure. I'll get right on that...for a small price, of course...

Posted by: Lauren/Annie/Whatever at July 27, 2005 05:03 PM

Welcome to the friendliest corner in the internet. I too am a Yank in the South (Richmond, Va to be precise).

Oh and Terry, if the fridge is being cleaned out, I want my cookie tin back. It probably got stuck on top.

Posted by: Sarah G. at July 27, 2005 08:19 PM

Nate, I'm sure Annie Whatever does have a physical address. At least I hope so, because I sent Chet out to take her gift basket to her yesterday. He's still not back, though, so I might get worried. Or not.

And Lauranne, please remember that if the keys are NOT returned, you will be forced to use the men's room.

And Sarah, are you talking about the decorative Oreo tin that had the Santa and the little kid on it from 2001? The sorta round one? Never seen it. Don't know anything about it.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at July 28, 2005 07:31 AM

Yes, that it! And it smells like chocolate chips on the inside.

Posted by: Sarah G. at July 28, 2005 12:08 PM

I don't know what you're talking about.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at July 28, 2005 05:29 PM

Oh, and by the way, it just occurred to me that Miss Annie was speaking of the keys to the television station, and NOT the keys to the restroom, which was affixed to the Employee of the Month parking sign. I feel so silly!

Anyway, my statement still stands--hand over the station keys, or you have to use the men's restroom.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at July 29, 2005 07:57 AM