Possumblog

In our discussion in the week past regarding Moses and barbecue...

...Larry Anderson asked in the comment section if the Axis of Weevil Board of Registrars had ever considered making Skinnydan (who by then had become part of the topic of conversation) an "honorary" member of the Alabama Knitting and Invective Society.

Well, as we all know, there are no honorary members--you're either a Weevil or you ain't. Having said that, though, the only drawback was that there seemed to be no application on record from Mr. Dan regarding his desire to be a member, and as we all know, we are quite the stickler for properly filled out paperwork. Well, there was that, and I had gotten the indication that Dan wasn't really THAT interested in pretending as though he would like to live in Alabama.

Further clamor for the relocation of Skinnydan from one part of the blogroll to another was offered by Mrs. Adams, who suggested bypassing the proper procedures and simply sending Chet the E-Mail Boy via train, of all things, to New York with a World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, and while he was at it, to drop one off in Virginia as well for Sarah G. And then something about an aardvark--whatever THAT might mean.

BUT WHAT ABOUT PROCEDURES, PEOPLE!? WHAT ABOUT TRADITION!?

Then this morning, I walked in and noticed that Dan says he DID send in an application, and that Junior in the mailroom has been messing with it for over a YEAR!

Obviously, everything is just falling apart around here--inadequate internal controls, people bypassing established procedures, people leaving old tunafish sandwiches in the refrigerator--wellll, it's going to stop. Junior has been made redundant (more than he already was) and was escorted from the building this morning. In his desk we found several applications, and as Dan mentioned, one he had sent in so very long ago, but as a courtesy, I asked Skinnydan to fill out another one just so we could have a clean copy that didn't have greasy potato chip stains on it.

Well, let's examine it, then, and see how he stacks up against our high standards and exclusivity:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama

Ummm, I can find it on a map?

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

Heck no. Why be embarrased by a grasp of geography?

Now, despite the fact that he's already ahead of probably half the population, this first requirement is crucial to establishing what we call "street cred." If you're gonna be a Weevil, you have to be able to rub the Boll Weevil Statue in Enterprise without making a mockery of the whole ceremony. You have to be strong, and committed, and love Alabama with a whole-hearted devotion. Or, you know, be willing to prevaricate a bit. With that in mind, I would like to take a moment here to get out the e-WhiteOut and fix Dan's application so it reads better. "Oh, yes--when I'm not summering in the Hamptons, I'm wintering along the Redneck Riviera. Y'all." There now. Much better. NEXT--

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

Now, now. I happen to like some idiots. I like them locked in cages wearing signs saying "Don't point cameras at the liberal senators", but I like 'em.

If anything, Dan gets sympathy points for having to endure representation by Chuck Schumer and Hillary Clinton.

4) Functionally literate

Literate, yes. Functional - meh.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD

I wouldn't call what I do typing. I can, however, hunt & peck with the best of them.

A bit like being the world's shortest giant, but I think we can live with that...

6) Update your blog more than once a month

Close enough. I'd like a waiver for October, given the steady parade of Jewish Holidays.

Which the Rules Committee is quite willing to overlook for a batch of raspberry hamantaschen.

7) Willing to be made fun of

Boy, this club has a lot of rules. I suppose.

Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

Only on days ending in "y".

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

I got a framed picture of Steve Yzerman and another one of John Vanbiesbrouck. It's not quite what you wanted, but I think I've cornered the market on oddly spelled hockey players.

An admirable goal, and I admire your puckishness. However, John Browning must be paid homage so you must clip this out, frame it, and place it in a prominent location within your home--you'll be glad you did, and it makes his merry eyes twinkle and his mustache twitch.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

Check. Lots of them belong to the Mrs., but I can't read all of mine either.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

Pinin' for the fjords? Opie, that possum wouldn't Voom if you put 10,000 volts through it.

Someone's obviously been studying!

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

What you call a pickup truck, we call a black '78 Caddy. Tomato, potahto, potato, tomahto.

Fuhgeddaboutit.

Watch your language, young man!

As for trucks and Caddies, now that we have the Escalade, you can have your Caddy and ea--umm. Well, shoot. I had a good pun for "cake and eat it, too," but I lost my train of thought.

ANYWAY, I believe that after reviewing this application, and in consultation with various other voices in my head, that there is nothing here that would disqualify Skinnydan from upping stakes from the upper blogroll and plopping down in the southern half.

SO IT IS WITH GREAT FEELING AND EMOTION, that we, the fearsome conglomeration of persons known far and wide as the Axis of Weevil, do hereby INSTALL, INDUCT, and INCULCATE the most famous man in New York into our proud assemblage, AND BY THE POWER BESTOWED UPON ME by various lunatics, I do solemly bestow upon Skinnydan all of the rights, privileges, taxes, fees, mulcts, dunnages, and coupons pursuant to said membership.

Congratulations, Dan, and as is customary with all new Inductees, we would like to present to you The World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing as it does a decidedly non-kosher rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for your black '78 Cadillac, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County--although I doubt that it's kosher by any reasonable measure); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs--delicious and more than likely not kosher; a box of Jim Dandy grits which are more than likely kosher; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce which is so salty it must come from the Dead Sea, which is in the Holy Land, therefore it could be kosher; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale, which might be kosher since buffalo chew their cud and have split hooves, but then again, the name has nothing to do with the contents of the can, which, as far as I have been able to determine, contains zero grams of buffalo. Or rocks.

Obviously, the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack presents problems for those on a restricted diet, and Chet's suggestions of catfish fillets and shrimp gumbo were useless.

SO, Skinnydan's first assignment is to assemble a list of clean items from his home state of Alabama which would be appropriate to give to fellow keepers of kashrut. And he thought being a Weevil would be a cushy job!

IN ANOTHER DISAPPOINTMENT, Jimmy who lives next door, and who has a condition, is feeling quite down in the dumps, seeing as how Junior was his step-uncle on his mother's side, and seeing as how Junior was his source for Victoria's Secret catalogs that came through the mailroom, and now with Junior's sudden departure, it appears that Jimmy's condition has taken a turn for the worse. Usually Jimmy is quite anxious to welcome new members with various arts and/or craft projects that he undertakes both as therapy and as an outlet for what he calls his "muse." Which he pronounces "moose." But with Jimmy having taken to his bed, we were at a loss for that special extra touch that makes everyone want to be an Axisite. BUT IN AN EXTREMELY FORTUNATE HAPPENSTANCE, we found that we still have a lovely full-size "Moorenumental" polyresin reproduction of the Alabama Supreme Court 10 Commandments. This is one FULL-SIZE and will make a lovely decoration in anyone's yard, including Skinnydan's, and it has the 10 Commandments right on the top in the authentic King James text, just like the original!

So, we have awoken Chet the E-Mail Boy, loaded up the company's Mercury Tracer (as if we could afford a TRAIN TICKET! Sheesh!) with goodies, strapped the monument to the roof, strapped Chet behind the wheel, and send him your way, Dan. Please keep an eye out for him, because he has been known to drive into large bodies of water, and has a fear of ferrets and weasels.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at October 10, 2005 03:14 PM