May 22, 2007
Jack Bauer Update!
The only way the season finale could suck more?
Next season Audrey wakes up and it's all been a dream.
I admit I've kinda dropped out this year, mainly because of having the watching hour interrupted by picking up Boy from his Scout meetings, but I did happen to have the radio on in the van last night and picked up part of the dialogue. (Our Fox affiliate here in Birmingham is on channel 6, which can be heard down on the far end of the radio dial at 87.7)
Okay, so Smelly Face Chloe's gotten herself knocked up, Powers Booth has decided to blow up an oil platform with an Navy air strike, and the platform is the final hiding place of JackDaddy/Babe's Handler on it and some Chinese guys and a submarine doohickey the ChiComm want. Problem is that that the Guy from Babe has Jack's nephewson, too, so Jack and Gray Haired Boss steal a chopper to go rescue him. HURRY JACK--those F-18s are going to be there in TWENTY MINUTES!!
Now look--an F-18 can fly at around Mach 1.5, or anywhere between 900 to 1,000 miles per hour. If they're twenty minutes away from this platform, that means that they're around 300 miles away. The West Coast just had a nuke go off, and the closest air assets we have in the area are 300 miles away!? Either that, or the oil platform is 300 miles out in the ocean. Which can't really be right either, because the helo managed to get there before the fighters. AND...
Anyway, Jack goes off with the helo, gets his Dad to let go of the grandnephewson, left him on the platform, grabbed onto the chopper, flew off, platform goes boom, Jack drops off, Gray Haired Boss says, "eh, whatever, he can swim."
Which he does--in the next five minutes, Jack swims from the oil platform to Brokenose Girl's Daddy's house, comes in all wet, threatens him, says LEMME SEE HER! OR I'LL CRY UNMANLY TEARS!! Goes in and sees her faking comatosis with her big buck teeth bared like some kind of BEAVER and he tells her she's rilly cute and sweet and he wants to give her his class ring and then he leaves the room and shares an unspoken moment with her dad, then goes out on the patio to watch the waves and get all vertiginous looking down at the rocks below.
Will he!? Will he decide to go find a shark to jump? Will Chloe's baby be all pinchy-faced? Will JackDaddy survive? (Of course he will.) Will the ChiComm leave Jack alone? WHEN WILL WE SEE KIM BAUER IN A BIKINI!? I don't know, but I think that's about the only thing that will get me to watch again.
Posted by Terry Oglesby at May 22, 2007 08:19 AM