April 19, 2006

Not since the Clinton Administration

No, really.

I couldn't believe it either.

Seems we had a server outage earlier this morning. I could occasionally get online, but couldn't even begin to access my worky-worky stuff--particularly hard was that there was no Word and no Outlook.

What to do?

Well, I looked to my left and saw the giant pile of garbage that I've been accumulating over the years. Old vacation leave slips, business cards, Dillon Blue Press catalogs. Honestly, I measured it and it was as stack of junk over 11 inches high.


So, I cleaned that off, and culled all the junk and kept the few essential things needed to do business. Still no intranet connection, though.

I looked just to the right of the previous stack at the OTHER stack of stuff that sat right in front of my monitor between it and my phone and mouse. Dangitall, might as well get that, too. I got it all the way down to the actual faux woodgrain plastic laminate on the top of the desk.


The papers on the very bottom of both stacks dated to 1998.

EIGHT YEARS of JUNK! Where's Sandy Berger and his Magical Pants when you need him!?

I wish that was all of it--there's a in-out box full of the same kind of junk, and the vast area over on the right hand side of my desk, and then there's that previously mentioned pile of stuff on my window sills. But, now that I've finished lunch and the server's back up, I have to see if I can finish my work now.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at April 19, 2006 12:43 PM

I see your 11 inches and raise you two feet.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at April 19, 2006 01:21 PM

At least now I have enough room to raise my two feet and put them on my desk.

As for this dangerous wager you seem to be embarking upon--Mr. Anderson, I remind you I am a bureaucrat as well as a pack rat. I work not just with vast heights but with unimaginable widths when it comes to generating useless paper.

Volume, sir, is the name of the game.

In the interest of gamesmanship, however, I will see your two feet of height, and raise you 24 cubic feet, comprised mostly of wads of tracing paper.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 19, 2006 01:32 PM

Dang it and we just removed all the UPS shipping boxes from the two projects we are doing. I guess you called my bluff, Sir.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at April 19, 2006 01:41 PM

Silence overcame the putty-hued offices as the two paper-pushers eyed each other warily. El Gordo Possumo began pulling the pile of cash toward him...

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 19, 2006 01:53 PM

"Remove yore hand slowly, Sirrah", said the Kudzu Kid pulling out his large stack of used printer cartridge packages."

Posted by: Larry Anderson at April 19, 2006 01:58 PM

El Gordo Possumo's sweep of the arm stopped. He smiled, his rows of sharp pointy teeth gleaming in the glow of soothing fluorescent lighting...

Oh, I see--it's gonna be that way, eh pard? Fine. We'll play some more, if that's what you want--I remember the last guy who said that--his last words were, "Heh. Indeed."

I see your stack of used printer cartridge packages, and raise you five archive boxes of Civil Defense Community Shelter Plans for Jefferson County, Alabama, dated April, 1968. And a Christmas tree box full of outdated permit application forms.

Gasps were heard in cubicles, and the hush was broken only by the fax machine busy signal.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 19, 2006 02:29 PM

Stop it you two! I'm chokin here in my cubicle trying not to laugh out loud!

Posted by: Nate at April 19, 2006 02:50 PM

QUIET OVER THERE, McCORD! You're gonna make me lose my concentration! And I have a feeling this slicker here ain't the one to be losing my concentration around...

El Gordo Possumo's narrow beady eyes squinted, becoming narrower. And beadier.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 19, 2006 02:55 PM

I'm sorry it has to come to this since I have taken a liking to you, but I am forced to play the stack of government contract financial reports I have spent the last three days trying to understand. It is a small but deadly (boring) pile. I figger the 6 pages have the weight and volume of a large semi load of hazardous waste.

And be assured, Mr. McCord knows I speak the truth can serve as my witness.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at April 19, 2006 03:05 PM

A single drop of perspiration broke from El Gordo Possumo's brow. Suddenly, he jumped to his feet!


Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 19, 2006 03:12 PM

BTW, does your spouse know you are "reading" Dillon Blue Press catalogs? Hmm?

Posted by: Nate at April 19, 2006 03:27 PM

As the tumult grew as crazed office workers fled the supposed appearance of a badger, El Gordo Possumo saw that his devious diversion had not fazed one hardy office worker, who obviously knew too much.


Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 19, 2006 03:32 PM

"Civil Defense Community Shelter Plans for Jefferson County, Alabama, dated April, 1968?"

Kind of puts my 1970-something copies of the NASA Directory of Station Locations in (pathetic) perspective.

Posted by: Steevil (Dr Weevil's bro Steve) at April 19, 2006 04:05 PM

Nothing quite like knowing you're a target for thermonuclear warheads.

Or a badger, for that matter.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 19, 2006 08:02 PM

Amateurs, all of you, Amateurs.

I got two file rooms full of old paperwork.

And I get paid to keep the crap. Not well, but paid.

Posted by: skinnydan at April 21, 2006 07:07 AM

Hey, don't be mean to me or I'll "lose" all your paperwork behind a file cabinet!

Not that I'VE ever done that...

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 21, 2006 08:53 AM