December 03, 2008

Yet another one of life's little milestones... UPDATED

...if you are a moron.

My lumpy old gray hunk of Swedish iron just turned over the quarter-million-mile mark!

A testament to the basic solidity of the thing, as well as the maniacal devotion to scheduled maintenance by the previous owner.

In any event, I believe I deserve a Federal bailout totalling $1,245,010,000.12.

UPDATE 12/9/08--OH, GREAT--now EVERYbody's getting in on the act!

Posted by Terry Oglesby at December 3, 2008 09:01 AM

I'm sorry, but you don't meet the requirements for a federal bailout. If the scheduled maintenance had been mismanaged, if the car was prone to frequent breakdowns, if you had been able to secure millions in loans with a broken down junker as collateral, the feds would be happy to give you all the funds you want.

Competence is never rewarded.

Posted by: Diane at December 3, 2008 10:04 AM

Exactly. That's why the original owner should be screwed out of it, and I should get the money. I have never been accused of competence.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 3, 2008 11:48 AM

Is the 12 cents meant to bailout your primary supplier, the pick-a-part?

Posted by: skinnydan at December 3, 2008 12:10 PM

Call me crazy but I can't see how you are deserving of a bailout as long as the Volvo continues to chug along. After all, you weren't crazy enough to buy a used Jaguar or MG so the "I was an idiot led astray by adastardly used car salesman" doesn't fly. Furthermore, I do not recall you taking an interest only, variable rate, balloon payment loan to buy said vehicle.

Now if you were asking for a low interest line of credit for used parts, I could almost see some sense in it.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at December 4, 2008 10:44 AM

No Dan, the 12 cents is there to show that this is not some arbitrary number I just cooked up, but rather an exacting and scientifically calculated totalization of all the monies I am due, right down to the penny. Nothing less would be equitable, anything more would be unpatriotic.

And Larry, you ARE crazy. Simply because Volvo continues to exist is immaterial to my own needs. Remember, it IS all about me. As for how I intend to use this money, obviously it will be used to the betterment of all the Earth. And for The Children. And if you disagree with me you're a racist.

Now, give me my bailout money and no one will get hurt.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 4, 2008 11:08 AM

Dear Mr. Oglesby,

Thank you for your blackmail note of Dec. 4. We are delighted to know you have requested $1,245,010,000.12 of Other People's Money.

As you might imagine, we are quite involved with numerous Creative Financial Restructurings, and we are dealing with each customer in alphabetical order.

Once we have resolved the issues of the Oglesbxyzian Fur Traders and Catapults Association, you can be sure we will step right up to the plate for you.

Thank you for your patience.

The Feddal Gubmint

Posted by: skinnydan at December 5, 2008 08:49 AM

Typical bureaucrats--diddling away with meaningless busywork while URGENT NEEDS GO UNMET! IT'S ANOTHER FEMA/KATRINA DEBACLE! WHERE'S MY MONEY!? Look, I'm not ever supposed to have to pay my house note or for gasoline EVER AGAIN, and if I don't get my check right now, I'm gonna have to pay for stuff with MY OWN MONEY! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE!? WHERE IS THE SANITY!?

And where's my check?

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 5, 2008 11:13 AM

Congratulations. My own 1986 240 failed by a mere 21,000 kilometres to reach the half million last month - continued fuel-line problems - and was traded on a 940.

Posted by: kitchen hand at December 6, 2008 10:31 PM

Well in spite of not yet receiveing your well-deserved bailout payment, I hope you treated the old girl to an oil change and coolant flush as part of the celebration of her longevity. I haven't quite got 170K on the truck but it's getting close.

And just today I stopped in at the Caddy dealer to check out the CTS sedans. I found a lovely blue one that I could fall right into love with!

Posted by: Nate at December 7, 2008 10:57 PM

Thank you, sir--although I've got nothing on the Kitchen Hand Family when it comes to high mileage Volvos. ::genuflecting toward Australia::

By the way, on the low-mileage end of the scale, how is the Tangerine Dream working out?

And Nate, it is due for an oil change, but it's too chilly at the moment for me to want to crawl around on the driveway. In order to take it to the oil change place and not have to do it myself, I will first need MY BAILOUT CHECK!

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 8, 2008 09:18 AM

Tangerine Dream has rocketed from 40,000 kilometres right up to 48,000 kilometres since I purchased it in March '07. Although its rate of accumulating mileage relative to its age still means it will take what? 300 years? to reach the mileages of the departed 240 and my '77 wagon, currently on 445,000 kilometres.

Posted by: kitchen hand at December 11, 2008 03:05 AM

That is still an amazing story. A while back, Jamie Kitman wrote in Automobile magazine about a like garage-find Volvo of an even earlier vintage, and I'm still jealous that I can't seem to stumble on something like that.

(By the way, for those members of the audience who are more comfortable with Imperial units, Kitchen Hand's 48,000 kilometers is the equivalent of 29,826 gallons!)

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 11, 2008 09:40 AM

What's that in Fahrenheit?

Posted by: skinnydan at December 11, 2008 10:49 PM

Well, you have to convert kilometers to Celsius first, then multiply by 7/9 and add 12. I think it's about 7,800 degrees.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 12, 2008 09:03 AM

That 122 is an amazing find. Unfortunately, I dislike the colour.

Posted by: kitchen hand at December 13, 2008 03:40 AM

Oh, come on--everyone loves medium bland!

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 15, 2008 12:26 PM