June 24, 2008

Ask Dr. Possum!

Although this humble blog long ago was shuttered by its proprietor and no longer offers sustenance and solace to the poor lost and weary travelers of the virtual backroads of the electronic ether, we are quite happy to report that Dr. Possum apparently never got the closure memo.

Having swung by whilst on his way to a conference on mid-16th Century bawdy Dutch poetry, Dr. Possum was obviously quite stunned by the presence of a padlock on the front door of the Axis of Weevil World Headquarters Building. However, after some investigation of the side yard (and much subsequent beating and banging upon the wall of the travel trailer which serves now as my office/domicile/caretaker’s shed) he was able to rouse me from my usual midday torpor.

Overjoyed by his unexpected visit, I quickly prepared for him a wholesome repast of crackers and potted meat, and asked if he would be willing to stay for a while to answer all of the stacks of questions that have piled up since he last graced us with his presence.

Despite the urgency of his travel needs, he did agree to sit with us for a spell and dispense some of his wisdom and knowledge. To those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Possum’s oeuvre, he is a real doctor* and has oft-times been called upon to settle disputes and interrogatories of the most profound nature, and he stands ready now to answer similar inquiries on topics medical, philosophical, political, mathematical, and otherwise.**

SO THEN, to our first inquiry!

A “Mr. Larry Anderson” of the Northern Alabama District (whom some of you know as Mr. Larry Anderson), asks the following:

I really expected a Possumblog post explaining the background on Mr. Obama’s seal. Possimus isn’t it?



Dr. Possum Responds: Far be it from me to tread where others have already done exquisite work of explaining the details of this recent kerfuffle. My compatriots Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Weevil have both ably “put this to bed,” so to speak, and little remains left to say about it.

Other than the fact that Latin being what it is, translations are malleable things, and given the candidate in question, could possibly have multiple hidden intentions. Vero possumus could very well be intended to communicate the message “Yes, I can be George Jones,” indicating a president who is signaling his intent to embark on driving the SUV of state aimlessly around the winding backroads of international diplomacy while downing fifth after fifth of demon rum, only to wind up hammered to the gills and careening into a bridge abutment.

And then write a song about it.

Likewise, vero possumus could mean, “Truly, I can be a stupid possum.” Able to be trapped after being baited with only a few kernels of sweet corn, playing dead in the face of possible aggression by its enemies, and a lingering musky odor are but a few of the valuable things possums are known for, and similar characteristics are sure to strike fear into the minds of America’s foes. Not for nothing was President William Howard Taft—“Uncle Billy Possum”—known as The Scourge of Malignant Evildoers.

Or it could simply be akin to Cockney rhyming slang—vero possumus being the rhyming derivative of “throw ‘im under the bus,” which I’ve been told is quite a commonplace activity within the Obama camp.

[A note from the Editor, in re Mr. Anderson’s putative “expectation” of a post: We remind all readers that Possumblog has been failing to live up to expectations since its founding, and we continue to strive to uphold that standard.]

Next up, YOUR question! Please leave your submission in the comments section below, and Dr. Possum will astound you with his genius!


*Dr. Possum it a real doctor in the sense that he calls himself such, and dares anyone to take offense. However, in a court of law, he would admit that calling himself a real doctor would not be looked upon kindly by a judge.

**Dr. Possum’s answers, while completely authoritative, are not to be considered as completely authoritative, especially when it comes to matters of life and death, or nuclear fission.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at June 24, 2008 02:22 PM

Does Dr. Possum know anything about that not-so-lost tribe I posted about today? It has certain Not-a-Doctor-For-Legal-Purposes ring about it.

Posted by: skinnydan at June 24, 2008 03:48 PM

Why yes, I was a recent visitor to the Mascho Piro village and was greeted warmly by their chief, Dantu Rathero.

It was quite a sight, I must say, and I was touched that they were so very unencumbered by the trappings of modern life. They seemed oblivious to their nakedness, and not at all bothered by the fact they were still using dial-up on a 14.4K modem, and Netscape Navigator 2.1.

One of the young men of the tribe attempted to show me how desirable he was to the women of the village, and I must confess stifling a laugh as he clumsily tried to call out for pizza using a gigantic brick phone that must have been twenty years old!

Possibly the most charming thing about this group of savages is their reliance on the ancient practice of reading newspapers, and I must say it was incredible to view the reverence with which they hold their tribal god, Thene Wyorkt Imes, or as I've been able to translate, "The Old Gray Lady."

Posted by: Dr. Possum at June 24, 2008 04:11 PM

Well, she ain't what she used to be, that's for sure.

Posted by: skinnydan at June 25, 2008 07:42 AM

It could be the problem is that she's exactly like she used to be. People just got wise to the fact that her priests might not really have any special insight, despite all the mumbo-jumbo about mooses in the room.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at June 25, 2008 07:45 AM

Doctor Possum
What is fecal coliform bacteria and should they charge me extra for having it in my water?

Posted by: jim at June 25, 2008 01:24 PM

Jim, although they are generally not harmful themselves, fecal coliform bacteria indicate the possible presence of pathogenic (disease-causing) bacteria, viruses, and protozoans that also live in human and animal digestive systems. Therefore, their presence in streams or water supplies suggests that pathogenic microorganisms might also be present and that swimming and eating shellfish might be a health risk.

Since it is difficult, time-consuming, and expensive to test directly for the presence of a large variety of pathogens, water is usually tested for coliforms and fecal streptococci instead.

Sources of fecal contamination to surface waters include wastewater treatment plants, on-site septic systems, domestic and wild animal manure, and storm runoff.

In addition to the possible health risk associated with the presence of elevated levels of fecal bacteria, they can also cause cloudy water, unpleasant odors, and an increased oxygen demand.

Municipalities do not usually charge customers for contaminants, unless you look like some dumb sucker who thinks the idea of thick, chunky, organic water is really cool, in which case they might put it on your bill.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at June 25, 2008 01:36 PM

Dear Dr. P, the Blue states have lost big time in Heller vs DC. [insert Happy Dance] So what will be the next big strawman to extend Statist control here in the US? More War on Drugs & Terror or something new?

Posted by: Chef Tony at June 26, 2008 03:07 PM

Given our choices in the upcoming elections, I believe it's quite obvious the next four years are going to be something of a golden age for the stupid and the ignorant.

I sense support building for a huge new movement to combat the evils of Common Sense, Self-Reliance, Self-Determination, and Crunchy Salty Greasy Snack Foods so that we can save The Children(tm), The Environment(tm), and The Perpetually Aggrieved(tm).

I would recommend we all hop on the bus before we find ourselves thrown under it.

(In fairness, the bus will be fueled by lovely golden Illinois-grown and ADM-picked corn-based biofuel, so really we should be grateful for the opportunity to be squished.)

Now, would you please just let me eat my waffles?

Posted by: Dr. Possum at June 26, 2008 03:37 PM

Waffles, sir, are neither Crunchy, nor Salty. Can you, the voter, trust a Dr. Possum who will nuance the truth about a food that is ONLY Greasy and a Snack?

Truly, the time has come for Change.

Yes, Change, ladies and gentlemen, because that is all you will have left in your wallet after the candidates are through with you.

Posted by: skinnydan at June 27, 2008 08:38 AM

These are not the waffles I once knew, and I am saddened that they have become a distraction to my efforts to bring hopeful changiness and changeful hopetude to America.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at June 27, 2008 09:17 AM

Ummm ... gawrsh, it's been so long since I've been able to ask a question. What question should I ask?

Well, that was lame, but I'm out of practice.

Hmmm, have you been asked to stand up for Ruben "Velvet Teddy Bear" Studdard's wedding? What do you recommend they serve at the reception? Actually, what flavor of Boone's Farm wine goes with Cornaguins?

Posted by: Marc V at June 27, 2008 07:55 PM

No, but Kellie Pickler said I could help her pick out a new saddle tattoo.

As for reception foods, it's difficult to go wrong with Salty Greasy Sugary Starchy foods. The Sugar-frosted Cornguins, for example.

I would not recommend anything from Boone's Farm, although my judgement may be clouded by a particularly violent gastric episode at a 1978 .38 Special aftershow party in Jacksonville, although it is possible my ailment was more due to the effects of stifling summertime heat, a bad batch of oysters, and a rather ill-tempered groupie. Still, were the Studdard family, I would choose something unavailable in convenience stores.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at June 28, 2008 08:21 PM