Possumblog

The things I do to entertain you people!

I had to cover the front desk today so the secretary could go to lunch, and since I didn't have any time to waste going across the street for lunch (not to mention the fact that I only had four bucks on me), I hied myself to the snack bar in the basement to see if there was anything worth hunting and gathering.

We've had a sandwich machine down there for a few months now, but I have resisted, up until now, the urge to purchase anything. But I was hungry, and needed blog fodder, and so I fed my bills into the change machine and plunked down 9 quarters for...

9.65 ounces (273 grams) of "Fully cooked beef and onion patty (beef, water, onions, textured vegetable protein product (soy protein concentrate, caramel color, zinc oxide, niacinamide, ferrous sulfate, copper gluconate, vitamin A palmitate, calcium pantothenate, thiamin mononitrate (B-1), pyroxine hydrochloride (B-6), riboflavin (B-2) cyanocobalmin (B-12), seasoning (hydrolized corn protein, dextrose, salt, onion powder, spices), sodium phosphates, caramel color), enriched bun (enriched bleached wheat flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid, enzymes), water, sugar, partially hydrogenated soybean and cottonseed oils, sesame seeds, contains 2% or less of yeast, salt, calcium sulfate, enzymes, monoglyceride, tricalcium phosphate, wheat starch ascorbic acid, azodicarbonamide, calcium stearate, sorbitan monostearate, citric acid, silicon dioxide (flow agent), calcium propionate (perservative), pasteurized process American cheese (cheddar cheese (pasteurized milk, cheese culture, salt, enzymes), milkfat, water, sodium citrate, salt, sodium phosphate, sorbic acid as a preservative, oleoresin paprika (color), annatto (color), with starch added for slice separation). Contains: Wheat, soybean, milk, sesame seeds."

The only drawback?

The name. It's the BIG AZ BURGER, courtesy of our fine vending concessionaire and Pierre Foods, Inc. of Cincinnati, Ohio. I realize I'm in the minority on this, but still, must EVERY SINGLE COMPONENT of popular culture race toward such shallow punkish coarseness?

I had hoped before I did my online searching that maybe Pierre was located in Arizona, and could conceivably have some redemptive excuse for using AZ to describe their (admittedly) very large burger patty, but, alas, no.

Fo shiz.

I guess there's probably a certain demographic they were shooting for, for whom eating something named for an adjective for a donkey or the human posterior is both breathtakingly and boldly countercultural. But (so to speak) for me, I'd rather not be reminded about the fundamental parts of the cow that can be ground up and still be considered "beef."

Oh well--I realize there are some who see the vast store of humor involved--and apparently the company's not afraid of a copyright challenge from David Letterman and his canned ham, so who am I to worry about such things?

ANYWAY, I don't eat vending machine burgers very much (never) but since I wanted something to eat, I figured eh, why not.

Opened one end of the package, shoved it in the microwave, set it on two minutes, waited two minutes, and upon being warned by the buzzer on the oven, I removed my piping hot Big Az Beef Charbroil with Cheese on a Bun and was impressed by the slathering of yellow spilling out everywhere. Especially since I didn't realize until after reading the package that it came with cheese--I thought it was just a big az plain burger on a bun. So, you know, BONUS!

The smell was not unfamiliar--a somewhat piquant blend of food vending machine quality beef with a woody undertone reminiscent of a well-used poleax handle. I scurried back to my desk with my piping hot provender, plopped it onto a paper towel, and lifted back the bun to add condiments--mustard, mayo, ketchup. I was impressed with the appearance of the slab of beefiness--on one side it had an impressive tattoo of grill marks, and on the other, the familiar wafflelike cheesecloth texture of highly processed ground animal products, familiar to prison inmates and concession stand workers everywhere.

And the flavor?

Well, it was still too scalding hot to pick up, so I had to use my plastic utensils from the drawer. Maybe it was the delicate nature of using flatware to gently cut and carve the burger into bite-sized (although still big az'd enough for a man like me) pieces, but no matter, after chewing it up and swallowing it, I have to say, it was pretty doggone good!

No weird chunks of unchewable cartilage, no stringy ligaments, nothing that caused me to blanch or quake or quiver, and yes, even after being microwaved, the bun was really okay. Overall, it was actually a better, and less expensive, burger than the ones they used to serve in the snack bar when there was actually someone running the kitchen part of it.

So, a qualified yea--not quite the best burger in the world, but still quite impressive for something in a refrigerated vending machine. I'd still change the name, though, simply out of deference to the more prudish amongst us. Maybe something like THE BIG O BURGER or something.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at May 24, 2007 02:48 PM