June 24, 2008

Ask Dr. Possum!

Although this humble blog long ago was shuttered by its proprietor and no longer offers sustenance and solace to the poor lost and weary travelers of the virtual backroads of the electronic ether, we are quite happy to report that Dr. Possum apparently never got the closure memo.

Having swung by whilst on his way to a conference on mid-16th Century bawdy Dutch poetry, Dr. Possum was obviously quite stunned by the presence of a padlock on the front door of the Axis of Weevil World Headquarters Building. However, after some investigation of the side yard (and much subsequent beating and banging upon the wall of the travel trailer which serves now as my office/domicile/caretaker’s shed) he was able to rouse me from my usual midday torpor.

Overjoyed by his unexpected visit, I quickly prepared for him a wholesome repast of crackers and potted meat, and asked if he would be willing to stay for a while to answer all of the stacks of questions that have piled up since he last graced us with his presence.

Despite the urgency of his travel needs, he did agree to sit with us for a spell and dispense some of his wisdom and knowledge. To those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Possum’s oeuvre, he is a real doctor* and has oft-times been called upon to settle disputes and interrogatories of the most profound nature, and he stands ready now to answer similar inquiries on topics medical, philosophical, political, mathematical, and otherwise.**

SO THEN, to our first inquiry!

A “Mr. Larry Anderson” of the Northern Alabama District (whom some of you know as Mr. Larry Anderson), asks the following:

I really expected a Possumblog post explaining the background on Mr. Obama’s seal. Possimus isn’t it?



Dr. Possum Responds: Far be it from me to tread where others have already done exquisite work of explaining the details of this recent kerfuffle. My compatriots Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Weevil have both ably “put this to bed,” so to speak, and little remains left to say about it.

Other than the fact that Latin being what it is, translations are malleable things, and given the candidate in question, could possibly have multiple hidden intentions. Vero possumus could very well be intended to communicate the message “Yes, I can be George Jones,” indicating a president who is signaling his intent to embark on driving the SUV of state aimlessly around the winding backroads of international diplomacy while downing fifth after fifth of demon rum, only to wind up hammered to the gills and careening into a bridge abutment.

And then write a song about it.

Likewise, vero possumus could mean, “Truly, I can be a stupid possum.” Able to be trapped after being baited with only a few kernels of sweet corn, playing dead in the face of possible aggression by its enemies, and a lingering musky odor are but a few of the valuable things possums are known for, and similar characteristics are sure to strike fear into the minds of America’s foes. Not for nothing was President William Howard Taft—“Uncle Billy Possum”—known as The Scourge of Malignant Evildoers.

Or it could simply be akin to Cockney rhyming slang—vero possumus being the rhyming derivative of “throw ‘im under the bus,” which I’ve been told is quite a commonplace activity within the Obama camp.

[A note from the Editor, in re Mr. Anderson’s putative “expectation” of a post: We remind all readers that Possumblog has been failing to live up to expectations since its founding, and we continue to strive to uphold that standard.]

Next up, YOUR question! Please leave your submission in the comments section below, and Dr. Possum will astound you with his genius!


*Dr. Possum it a real doctor in the sense that he calls himself such, and dares anyone to take offense. However, in a court of law, he would admit that calling himself a real doctor would not be looked upon kindly by a judge.

**Dr. Possum’s answers, while completely authoritative, are not to be considered as completely authoritative, especially when it comes to matters of life and death, or nuclear fission.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 02:22 PM | Comments (12)

June 11, 2008

I promise, I had nothing to do with this. Not that I disapprove, of course.

Via Mr. Spud Buddy Marc Velazquez, this: 7 Arrested for Cheering at High School Graduations

COLUMBIA, S.C. — When school officials in Rock Hill, South Carolina, tell graduation ceremony crowds to hold their applause until the end, they mean it — Police arrested seven people after they were accused of loud cheering during the ceremonies.

Six people at Fort Mill High School's graduation were charged Saturday and a seventh at the graduation for York Comprehensive High School was charged Friday with disorderly conduct, authorities said. Police said the seven yelled after students' names were called.

"I just thought they were going to escort me out," Jonathan Orr told The Herald of Rock Hill. "I had no idea they were going to put andcuffs [sic] on me and take me to jail."

Well, just what DO you think happens to hardened criminals when they break the law, Junior!? THEY DO HARD TIME, THAT'S WHAT!!

And no, I don't know what 'andcuffs' are, although I imagine they're probably something the grammar police use when someone uses conjunctions poorly.

Orr, 21, spent two hours in jail after he was arrested when he yelled for his cousin at York's commencement at the Winthrop University Coliseum.

Rock Hill police began patrolling commencements several years ago at the request of school districts who complained of increasing disruption. Those attending graduations are told they can be prosecuted for bad behavior and letters are sent home with students, said Rock Hill police spokesman Lt. Jerry Waldrop.

All the cases, except for one that includes a resisting arrest charge, will be handled in city court and are punishable by a maximum of 30 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.

That's all!? WHY, back in my day, they'd throw you under the jail, and make you pay a billion dollars, and you'd have to be chained to a post and break rocks for 100 years!! No wonder this has grown into such a large problem. Complete breakdown of law and order, obviously. Obviously, it's time to start having the event recorded with no students or family present, and a copy sent home with each student so they can enjoy it in the privacy of their own home. Unless they start making too much noise there, too, in which case we can send the SWAT team out to quiet 'em down a bit.

Orr said he thinks people should be allowed to cheer.

"For some people, it might be the only member of their family to graduate high school, and it was like a funeral in there," Orr said.

They have diplomas at funerals? I THINK NOT!

William Massey, 19, was arrested but said he plans to fight the charge. He said he simply "clapped and gave a little whoop" when his fiancee's name was called. Massey said there were warnings before the ceremony but none that said he could be arrested.

He said not everyone who cheered was arrested.

"There's a lot more people that did it than six or seven," said Massey, who graduated from Fort Mill last year.

Oh, and I suppose if everyone was jumping off a bridge you'd go do that too, eh? This is just the way that crack dealers and hookers and used car salesmen and politicians get started, you know. Be glad the intervention of John Law has given you the wake-up call you so desperately needed. Of course, not so glad that you'll applaud or shout or anything like that.

Fort Mill Principal Dee Christopher says school officials don't ask that offenders be arrested but that he plans to keep a police presence at future graduation ceremonies.

"We think it's important for every graduate's name to be heard and for every person in the arena to be able to see that student cross the stage. ... That's why we have disruptive guests removed," he said.

Last year in Galesburg, Illinois, five students were denied diplomas from the city's lone public high school after enthusiastic friends or family members cheered for them during commencement. Students could get their diplomas after completing eight hours of public service for the school district.

In seriousness, I believe the world is a fair place, and small people who seem to get satisfaction from screwing around with everyone else will get their due.

As for me, my thoughts are the same as what I posted below--I don't think it's necessary to scream and whoop, especially if what you're screaming is just stupid, but really, arresting someone is a bit much.

ANYway, Marc says hey to you all and that I need to post something once a week, just to let everyone mingle and comment and stuff. Well, it would be nice, but since this blog has been closed up and retired for nigh onto a year now, it just wouldn't do to come out and post something anymore. Nope--just have to quit cold-turkey, as I already have done, and not post anything at all. Not even a humorous news story.

Not even to talk about the mundane things such as how hot it's been here the past two days, and the fact that Rebecca went and got herself a summer job at the vet's office down at the foot of the hill from where we live (and where we take our animals, thus securing us the coveted employee discount), and how very, very busy I've been at work, and junk like that. None of that anymore, alas.

So, anyway, until the next time I don't have anything to say...

Posted by Terry Oglesby at 09:47 AM | Comments (9)