September 15, 2006

"Spray 'Misty' for me..."

In which I once again sally forth as a hard-hitting citizen-journalist to expose yet another of the world's manifold problems--pleasantly-scented restroom deodorizers!

(Yes, it's a slow news day.)

Anyway, the housekeeping folks here have taken it upon themselves to equip each restroom in the building with a spray can of something called Misty, a "dry deodorizer" of some sort, in the refreshing "Lemon Peel" odor. (Why such things aren't called reodorants, I cannot tell you.) Anyway the intent, as expressed on the can writing, is to remove the unpleasant odors that might be sucked up your nose and replace them with newer, betterer odors. According to the company's info (.pdf file)

"The fragrances have been upgraded to ensure superior olfactory notes and tones. But a fantastic fragrance is not the only premium feature you will find. Also included is not one, but two odor counteractants for maximum deodorizing power. The dual system quickly neutralizes malodors with industrial and institutional strength even on smoke, decay, urine, feces, solvent, vomit, cooking, animal and more."

Good night Irene, what more could there be!?

IN any event, I will attest that the chosen fragrance is indeed robust yet pleasant. That being the problem. It's a little TOO nice--it smells a bit vanilla-y, something like Stewart's Creme Soda, or maybe like someone is cooking lemon-poppy seed muffins.

Now, obviously I don't want our restrooms to smell bad, like the stuff they are designed to carry to the sewer. Neither do I necessarily want them to smell of industrial solvents and disinfecting chemicals. But I have to say, I really can't get into the idea that the outhouse should smell like the kitchen--it unnerves me to walk in, expecting to see a man about a horse, and it seem as though I lost my way and wound up in a bakery.

Nice scent--wrong venue.

In order to make things better, I have taken it upon myself to suggest alternative scents. Looking at the available choices: Baby Powder, Bayberry, Cinna Fresh, Cool Breeze, Lemon Peel, Snappy Apple (The Traditionals); Autumn Heather, Harvest Fruit, Holiday Potpourri, Spring Rain, Summer Breeze, Winter Fresh (The Seasonals); Floral Gardens, Highland Forest, Waterfall Mist, Wild Berry Patch (The Botanicals); and Fresh Cotton, Mango, Melon, Orange, Peach, Vanilla (The Naturals), I believe it would be best to do away first of all with anything that might be edible.

This gives us:

Baby Powder--Possibly good, in that it is what you put on a baby after you change his smelly stinkin' pants. There is, however, the off-chance that this is actually made from powdered babies. That's just wrong.

Cool Breeze, Summer Breeze--Well, there's breezes, and there's breezes. This could be a good choice if you had beans the previous evening.

Autumn Heather--I knew a girl named Heather back in college, but I don't remember her smelling like anything special. Let's skip this one.

Spring Rain, Waterfall Mist--Sometimes the smell of falling water CAN be pleasant, so this one might be a good choice.

Winter Fresh--Sounds like it might be like smelling someone with a mouthful of Wrigley's or Certs, which would tend to put it over in the edible-so-don't-use-it category, but then again, it might be that smell of burning dirt when the furnace kicks on for the first time. Skip it.

Floral Gardens, Highland Forest--No. I can't stand florally botanical type smells in the crapper. It just makes the whole experience that much more unpleasant.

Fresh Cotton--Well, I like this smell--nothing like a set of bedsheets right out of the dryer, but again, it's such a pleasant non-pooping-place smell that it might be the wrong thing, too.

After all that, it pretty much leaves us with the scents intended to replicate either air or water.

Might be best just to open the window.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at September 15, 2006 11:28 AM

Wow, it is a slow day for you. I can't think of any other critter to batter dip and fry that you haven't already mentioned.

Instead of a "Lemon Peel" odor, how about an "Emma Peel" odor instead?

Posted by: Marc V at September 15, 2006 01:58 PM

Boy, you sure know my weaknesses!

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at September 15, 2006 02:02 PM

Emma Peel.....

Yeah Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great shades of the '60's

Posted by: Southtrek at September 15, 2006 02:33 PM

I can think of a few manlier scents that might actually work for you:

"Revolutionary Black Powder"
"Winter Cordite"
"Splash of Brake Fluid"

And the ever popular "Napalm" ("Smells like...Victory... over bathroom odors")

Posted by: skinnydan at September 18, 2006 08:21 AM

Hmmm--maybe Lemon Peel isn't quite so bad after all...

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at September 18, 2006 10:00 AM


Posted by: skinnydan at September 18, 2006 10:58 AM

Well, you know, if I could find it with a slightly woody undertone, with an afterbite of citrus and pomegranate.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at September 18, 2006 11:05 AM

Whut kind ofa soljer are yew, ennyway? You think Patton smelled like citrus, Boy?

Posted by: skinnydan at September 18, 2006 12:56 PM

Well, I bet he smelled better than Vinegar Joe Stillwell.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at September 18, 2006 01:04 PM