February 07, 2006

As part of our ever-expanding list of services...

...the Board of Directors of Possumblog Enterprises have decided to start a new venture, based upon the suggestion of one Jim Smith (not an alias) of Greenville, East Carolina.

Noting that the Possumblog writing staff has a great deal of life experiences between them, and always seem to have just the right answer to any problem--especially those of a pseudo-medical nature--Jim Smith (not an alias) suggested that we begin our very own Fake Doctor's Advice column. This suggestion was prompted by our advice to Jim Smith (etc.) to treat his severe cold by drinking plenty of fluids and petting his dog.

Therefore, we herewith launch our newest venture, Ask Dr. Possum, and request only that you pay our invoice for services as promptly as possible. Or else.

Now then, for those who need help--the Ask Dr. Possum Line is open. Leave your questions (which, by the way, need not be limited to those requiring quackery, but might be on any topic for which you require soothing relief) in the comment section, and we will see that they are answered expeditiously.

*Obligatory disclaimer. "Ask Dr. Possum," Possumblog Industries, Possumblog Enterprises, Possumblog Kitchens, Possumblog Farms, and any other related corporate entities make no guarantee regarding the validity or accuracy of any information offered, because, let's face it, who asks a marsupial for advice!? So, you are more than welcome to ask serious questions of an intensely private nature, but be forewarned that the answer you receive is worth only what you pay for it.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at February 7, 2006 01:59 PM

This is a good idea. I’m sorry I didn’t get here earlier but I was out petting my dog.
Well Dr. Possum I have a question about how to deal with teenager who won’t take responsibility. See I’ll start you off with an easy one.

Posted by: jim at February 7, 2006 02:15 PM

I have 3 food questions:

Toe cheese - are you able to save up enough for a mini-pizza, or do you just give into temptation and sprinkle it on whatever's for supper?

Green salsa - is that just red salsa gone bad? [Where's Sugarmama when you need her?]

Diet Coke - what is the MDR* for aspartame ingestion sufficient to cause abnormal behavior, such as starting/writing a blog?

(* Minimum drankin' requirement)

Posted by: MarcV at February 7, 2006 02:28 PM

Thank you for your question, "Jim". Teens and responsibility go together like balloons and acetylene. It is possible to do, obviously, although the consequences can be rather loud.

The problem as we see it, based upon our extensive research, is that teens are full of certain chemicals that produce antiresponsibility germs, that attack the brain and cause things like advanced shrillness, and overwhelming insensitivity to others. In days gone by, these germs only caused actions such as wearing raccoon skin coats and saying things like, "Golly gee whiz, Miss Hinklegreen, do you think I could hold your hand as we walk home from the sock hop!?"

Today, however, due to the influences of global warming, lawyers, and Europeans, the irresponsibility germs in teens have mutated and grown much more powerful.

To date, the most powerful cure for this is something called Reality, which, given current American culture, is something avoided at all costs. Reality is actively forestalled as much as possible from invading the lives of people, so they might enjoy an arrested adolescence that carries on until late-middle age, or even to whatever age it is that the senior senator from Massachusetts is.

But it has been shown that such things as holding down an actual job, paying a house note, mowing the grass, and having to deal with selfish people on a daily basis is enough of a shocking dose of reality that many people are able to overcome their antiresponsibilititis and lead normal lives. Of course, they usually die by 50 from all the stress, but hey.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 7, 2006 02:36 PM

And MarcV, thank you for YOUR questions. In order, then:

1) I will not dignify that with an answer, because as we all know, toe cheese is NOT an actual cheese product, but rather an accretion of lint, dirt, perspiration and skin oils, and is therefore fit only to be a senior senator from Massachusetts.

2) Green salsa is made from frogs. And Sugarmama is out running a marathon of some sort, and frankly needs to stop and eat a couple of cheeseburgers and some milk shakes and quit being so skinny, or else I won't have anything to hug when we go eat lunch.

3) I'm not quite sure what you're implying, but as far as our research shows, it would be necessary to drink 48 gallons of Diet Coke a day before any sort of abbbbbberaennnnntt t behavior is noted.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 7, 2006 02:44 PM

Thanks-- that covers it as well as anything i've seen.
So the only possible therapy is an application of the clue-bat?

Posted by: jim at February 7, 2006 02:52 PM

Well, there's that, and divine intervention. Which is really nothing more than a clue bat, raised to an infinite level.

Even then, however, there are some such as Pharoah, who are rather hard-headed.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 7, 2006 02:56 PM

I have kind of a mixed question. How does one get one's family to get in gear more quickly to get places in an '83 Chevy Impala that seems to be hesitating on hills and is burning a quart of oil every month?

Posted by: skinnydan at February 7, 2006 03:27 PM

I hate to be the first one to quibble with your excellent if a bit strange answers, but I believe the Pharoah was hard of heart not head.

Posted by: Pastor Larry at February 7, 2006 03:32 PM

My, what an interesting batch of questions. First, Mr. Skinnydan, from Long Island--

A multipart question--first, that Impala that hesitates on hills. Obviously it's best to live uphill from all your destinations, but failing that, it could be the clutch bands in the transmission, or possibly low fluid. Check the fluid first, and if normal, take the car to a local mechanic and give them 5,000 dollars. After they have spent the money, you can trade the car in. The using of a quart of oil a month might be a bad thing, or not. There in New York, a nice sheen of oil on the bottom of the car helps keep salt and snow from sticking and causing rust. Likewise, if you just keep adding a quart a month, you really don't ever have to change the oil, since it's pretty much changing itself. Finally, getting everyone into the car and to a destination on time requires careful planning, an eye for detail, and a willingness to commit yourself to inventing a time machine. Or screaming and crying.

Now then, for Pastor Larry--you are correct, Pharoah's heart was hard, but what we do not get from the Biblical narrative is that his head was even harder, which explains why the sphinx is carved out of stone.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 7, 2006 04:01 PM