December 09, 2005

Maybe I just need to give up.

I mean, it's obvious no one else cares, right?

What am I talking about?

Why, the Christmas Choir Concert at the high school, of course.

And the inevitable circumstance that arises every time I go to one of these things, in which people who seem to think the best way to show their appreciation for the children and their hard work is to sit there and TALK ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE PERFORMANCE.

It never fails. YOU! The big goomer sitting dead center on the front row with your wife and two little boys. Yes, you--the guy with the patch of gray hair about the size of a half-dollar on the back left side of your head. SHUT UP ALREADY!

He sat there, and when he wasn't singing along in the non-singalong parts, he was chatting with his wife. Loudly. And despite the obvious throat-clearing disdain shown by the man sitting behind him, who just happened to be me. If you think your precious chorister is worth coming to see, SHUT. UP. AND. LISTEN.

But, like I said, maybe I just need to give up and join EVERYONE ELSE, who seem to think these things are some excuse to act like a bunch of drunk quidchompers at a tractor pull. Maybe next one I'll get up and WHOOTWHOOT! at the top of my lungs during the quiet parts where I tend to drift off. Or maybe I can just turn around in my seat and scream "THAT THERE'S MAH BABY!" I don't think anyone would care.


AS FOR THE PERFORMANCES themself, well, pretty good, but I have a few tips. The middle schoolers were mostly girls, and had very pretty black formal floor-length dresses on, with a pretty white pleated bit on the skirt. There must have been fifty of them. Each one seemingly having had a jar of crazed itching-powder-dusted fire ants dumped into their drawers before going on stage. My goodness, I have never seen so much fidgeting in my LIFE. Please, please--hands in front of you or to the side. And stand still.

And second, please refrain from acting like a troupe of hyenas on crack when you've sat down in the audience to hear the high school choir sing. Yes, I was young and enthusiastic once, too, but there's a time and a place for everything, and a loud, raucous WHOOTWHOOTWHOOOT!ing after In Excelcis Deo (and every other song, for that matter) seems a bit out of place.

For the teachers--hey, how about a rehearsal to figure out where everyone is supposed to be on the risers? During the show is not the time to figure it out. And please, don't make the kids who use wheelchairs or walkers or stuff wait OUTSIDE IN THE COLD to come on stage--there's a whole area stage right where they could have stood and been inside. And this--how about a little less banging on the pianoforte. Accompaniment is fine, but remember, we didn't come to hear the piano player.

They all have such beautiful voices, and all the miscues and unforced errors doesn't make me say "Aww, how cute and charming!" but rather makes me wish adults had enough confidence in themselves to not be self-conscious about requiring some level of decorum amongst their charges. Then again, when you have parents who can't keep their stupid yaps shut for five friggin' minutes at a whack, maybe I just expect too much.

You know, maybe we could just have a Jumpin' Baby J. Hannukah Pep Rally or something.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at December 9, 2005 03:07 PM

Now, now.

Besides, Chanukah pep rallies ALWAYS involve re-enactments of the climactic Maccabee battles, and I can't imagine the stage at your place was built with live elephants in mind.

[ed. - if it was, I recommend stocking up on Applesauce. Pachyderms most definitely do NOT like sour cream on their Latkes.]

Posted by: skinnydan at December 12, 2005 11:18 AM

It might not have been made for elephants, but the various Big Fish in Little Ponders have created a "tradition" whereby after every performance of any sort, whether sacred or secular, whether play or recital, they all gather in the center of the stage and start their "Wild Jumping Up and Down Song Accompanied By Loud Chanting of 'WAAAAAAA WAooWA-AAAAAHHHHH, WAoh-wa-AAAAHHHHH, BAM-BAM-BADABUMP! BADABUMP! [repeat]'"

Ahhh, kids.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 12, 2005 11:45 AM

I knew a cantor who sounded like that once, but some anitbiotics cleared it up pretty quickly.

Posted by: skinnydan at December 12, 2005 12:06 PM

Did he have the jumping up and down part, too?

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 12, 2005 12:10 PM