Possumblog

It is time.

IRON BOWL TIME!

(A long post--if your browser cuts off before the end of the post, press your F11 key twice.)

Tomorrow marks the 70th meeting betwixt the Tigers and Tide, and although I don't really care too much one way or the other who wins or loses, there are a few readers of Possumblog who invest in the contest a bit more than the normal amount of enthusiasm. Don't believe me? Take a look at this picture that Kenny Smith just sent me.

As is the tradition here at Possumblog Sports Center, we once more trot out the hoary old family favorite that I wrote a few years back (again apologizing to Clement Clark Moore), just to get us into the spirit of things. There is a slight revision to my original version in order to suit the venue of the game. Oh, and the rhyme and meter sometimes stretch the limits of artistic license--forewarned is forearmed.

'Twas the night before the Iron Bowl, when all through Alabama
Not a critter was stirring, not even a yellowhammer;
The RVs were parked by the stadium with care,
In hopes that some sandwiches from Mama G's soon would be there;

The students were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Jack Daniels danced in their heads;
And mama in her blue jersey, and I with my big orange foam #1 finger,
Had by the teevee started to linger,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sofa to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a golf cart, and some fat redneck in a red suit--
So at him I yelled, "HEY! Get off my yard, or else I will shoot!"

With a little old driver, so sloppy and drunk,
I knew in a moment it must be Bob from down the street who is just about the most rabid Alabama fan I know.
More rapid than War Eagles his curses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, D*&!@! now, D$#?**! now, P&%$$$#@R and V*&^~!
On, C**&$#@@T! on C*&%?! on, D!@#$R and BL*&&^>?N!
To the top of Denny Chimes! to the top of Bear's tower!
Now #$@##%^! away! Feel the Tide's Power!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the moron he climbed,
With a snootful of scotch, and an urge to pee, ill-timed.

And then, he was tinkling, I heard on the roof
The dribbling and dripping of that big goof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down Bob slid and slammed to the ground.

He was dressed all in crimson, from his head to his shoes,
And his clothes were all tarnished with cigar ashes and booze;
A roll of toilet paper, and a box of Tide were flung on his back,
And he smelled like a pig or some kind of macaque.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow (except for the thin brown stream down the side from his dip of Skoal);

The stump of a stogie he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a giant beer belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.

He was dimwitted and slow, a right stupid old cuss,
And I laughed when I thought of him getting hit by a bus;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had more things to dread;

He spoke not a word, but rolled over with a smirk,
And let loose a thundering back burp, the rude old jerk!
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, and striking a pose;

He sprang to his cart, to his team gave a whistle,
And away he drove off, like a low-flying cruise missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he weaved out of sight,

"Hey Auburn!
Hey Auburn!
Hey Auburn!

We're gonna beat the hell
out of you!

Rammer Jammer
Yellow Hammer
Give 'em hell Alabama!"

::sniff:: Always brings a tear to my eye, it does.

NEXT UP: MERCILESS TAUNTING OF THE OPPONENT!

Yet another old favorite--

Two Auburn players were fishing on one side of a river, and soon were joined by two Alabama players way over on the opposite bank. They began verbally harassing each other across the distance, until one of the Alabama players could stand it no longer and challenged the more vocal of the Auburn players to a fight.

"JUST TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!" hollered the Bama player across the river.

"COME ON AND GET ME, YOU BIG HICK!" yelled the Auburn player, "AND MAH NAME'S CLARENCE!"

The fight was momentarily stopped however, due to the width and current of the river making crossing impossible.

"HOW KIN I GIT OVER THAR TO WHUP YER BUTT, CLARENCE!?" called the Crimson Avenger.

"GO DOWN YONDER ABOUT A HALF MILE TO THE BRIDGE AND COME ON AND GIT ME!" said Clarence.

Time passed, and after a while, the Alabama player came back with a worried look on his face to find his friend wondering what had happened. "Where you been!? I never seed you go over and fight Clarence over there!"

The first young man replied, "Well, I was all het up to go, but when I got to that bridge, there was a big yeller sign on there that said 'CLEARANCE 13 FEET HIGH' and I lost mah nerve."

NOW THEN, having done all that, on to the tale of the tape. The Plainsmen come into the game resurgent after putting away the Georgians between the Hedges last week, although a bit battered and bruised. They exhibited a poise under pressure in that last game that is a credit to them and to their coaches. They failed to give up, a situation which would have helped a lot against their first opponent of the year, the Yellow Jackets of GaTech. They have the added benefit of the home turf this year, and this game will mark the naming of the playing surface in honor of my good friend Pat Dye, so it would be quite a letdown to lose this one.

THE TIDE, on the other hand, seems to be taking the LSU loss very hard. It was heartbreaking, yes, and messed up any chance for a national title, but still, this is an excellent team, as much as it pains me to say. They are FINALLY playing like a team this year, even if the nasally-gifted young Brody Croyle does get a lot of press related to his BMOC status. Defensively, they are tough as they come, which might be their downfall. Offensively, they manage, but they don't quite have the offensive-defensive-special teams balance that Auburn has recently shown, and Auburn's defense will press hard on Croyle. Look for some interceptions.

If the Crimson defense can hold on tight, it will be a close, hard-fought game. The Bammers can score enough to win, IF their defense is able to shut down the Kenny Irons/Devin Aromashodu/Ben Obamanu run/pass threats by the Tigers. Look for Alabama to blitz often--this has been about the only thing that has stymied the Tigers this year--pass protection has generally been good for soph QB Brandon Cox, except the line seems less able to pick up the blitz. Plays have seemed to develop too slowly, and Cox has shown a slightly elevated level of confusion at these times. Adjusting to this and maintaining some calm will be crucial.

Then on to the special teams--here I have to say Auburn has an edge, especially in punting and on kick returns.

BUT, what of the most important measure of football prowess!?

Auburn's cheerleading page has managed to stay relatively well updated this season, although the photo quality has been spotty. And there is this continual insistence on having pictures of male cheerleaders. This must end.

However, nothing could have prepared me for the shock of seeing how shamefully, woefully underrepresented Alabama is in this contest, with only one photo of each squad. Such a pity. Thankfully, there is some consolation in that the Crimson Caberet seems to understand their importance to the overall ability of the team, manifested by their display of not only another squad photo, but individual members as well. And no guys. Still, both Auburn and Alabama do a much better job with sports such as oh, say, volleyball, where not only do the participants get a big write-up, they also seem to be really, really tall, and blonde. That's a good thing.

IN ANY EVENT, it is now time to go on to the most exciting part of our show, the WEEKLY SCORE PREDICTION! And this week, being special and all, means CELEBRITY PROGNOSTICATIONS!

You might recall a couple of years ago I managed to con James "The Amazing" Randi into giving me a prediction for the game (which turned out to be exactly right) and so I thought I would give him a chance again this year to use his supernatural psychic powers.

I woke up Chet the E-Mail Boy and had him send out this letter the other day:

From: Terry Oglesby
To: randi@randi.org
Date: Nov 15, 2005 10:26 AM
Subject: Once more in need of your Auburn-Alabama prediction!

Good morning, Mr. Randi:

My name is Terry Oglesby, and you might recall that last year [sic--as I said, this was actually two years ago. Ed.] I requested your amazing mental powers to assist me in predicting the score of the Auburn versus Alabama game. I posted your prognostication on the highly stupid blog I write called Possumblog, and obviously, since you have such extreme psychic abilities, your prediction of a crushing Tiger defeat of the hated Crimson Tide was COMPLETELY correct!

After some added clarification on my part.

BE THAT AS IT MAY, it has now become time once again for the annual Festival of Football Madness here in our fair state, and I was wondering if I could once again impose on you for a Special Celebrity Prediction of the score. It would certainly be a thrill for both me, and all both of my readers.

Yours truly,

Terry Oglesby

I waited with extreme anxious waitfulness, until Chet came huffing and blowing into my office with Mr. Amazing's reply:

From: James Randi
To: Terry Oglesby
Date: Nov 15, 2005 10:38 AM
Subject: RE: Once more in need of your Auburn-Alabama prediction!

I’m now in awe of my own powers, and must decline to further exhibit these abilities, for fear of winning my own prize.

Remember, I’m 100% correct, at this point – so I’ll now retire.

James Randi.

Crushed, yet still not defeated, I had Chet send one more message--

Well, poop. Hmm. Could I use your rejection letter instead? It would still go a long way toward giving the place a little celebrity glamour.

Terry

And guess what?! SUCCESS!

Sure...
James Randi.

WOO-HOO!

Now then, counting up the total of words in the message Mr. Randi first wrote, I arrive at the number 36. Counting up the total number of words in his LAST message, I arrive at 3. Therefore, I think it safe to say that Celebrity Score-Guesser James Randi predicts Auburn 36--Alabama 3.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL--I have saved the best for last!

None other than the lovely and fantabulous NBC13 Health Reporter and Auburn alumna WENDY GARNER!!

Say hello, Wendy!

"HELLO!" [not her actual voice]

I also had Chet send her a message begging for her perspicacity--

From: Terry Oglesby
To: "Garner, Wendy (NBC Universal, WVTM)"
Date: Nov 15, 2005 9:59 AM
Subject: The Arn Boll

Hey Wendy--

I am going to do my usual annual celebrity forecast on Friday for the big game. Now I know in years past you were bound to secrecy about your prediction, but since your station's not doing the weekly picks this year, would you consider giving me your official prediction? I would certainly appreciate it!

Hope everything's going well for you, and look forward to receiving your reply.

Thanks,
Terry

With quiet anticipation, Chet and I listened for the tell-tale clatter of his telegraph key, and we were richly rewarded yesterday morning:

From: Garner, Wendy (NBC Universal, WVTM)
To: Terry Oglesby
Date: Nov 16, 2005 10:46 AM
Subject: RE: The Arn Boll

Gladly!

AUBURN- 28
alabama- 14

How are you? I hope you're doing well!!
WAR EAGLE!

wg

She's so darned cute! (And I say this platonically, given that her husband is a gigantic fellow who played football at Auburn, and who would probably like nothing better than to squish me into a runny paste.)

Anyway, I hold great hope for her accuracy.

Finally, what would the Possumblog Sports Center pregame show be without a pick from our Football Pickin' Chicken?! Pretty darned boring, that's what! Sadly, it seems our LAST Football Pickin' Chicken, Avi, ran off to Barbados with a man claiming to be a matador and expert in C++ and Fortran. So, we've had to get Kit, the Wonder Cat, to stand in today for the FPC. Take it away, Kit!

Stupid cat. Well, before he passed out, he expressed concern about the game, and seems to think it will be a low-scoring affair. As best as I can tell, he said Auburn 14--Alabama 13, but it's hard to tell with all the purring and burping up of hairballs.

ANYWAY, that my friends has been the EXTENDED PLAY VERSION of Possumblog Sports Center! Tune into see the big game at 2:30 on See B.S.

Until either the SEC Championship or a bowl game of some sort, we bid you adieu!

Posted by Terry Oglesby at November 18, 2005 10:16 AM