July 23, 2010

What not to do.

Well, it's summertime here in the Heart of Dixie. That means it's hot. A lot of hot.

For those of us who grew up wearing husky-size jeans and graduated into the big-n-tall portion of Wal-Mart in later life, the heat of summer can bring particular miseries. Especially when one's fat little legs work themselves together as we walk, and produce an effect much like a Boy Scout starting a fire with two sticks. (Assuming he's starting a fire with two chubby sacks of meat instead of sticks.)

Anyway, that sort of a heat rash is bothersome, and it's nice to have a little talcum powder to cool things off. I've about finished off all the bits and pieces of baby powder we had left over from when the kids were little, so when I went to the store today, I figured I'd pick up a replacement box.

'Say,' I said to myself, 'I wonder how this Gold Bond Medicated Powder would work?', being that I'd seen it provide instant cooling relief to a variety of low-paid actors on late weekend night television commercials. I compared the name brand to the store brand, and was about to get the cheapo version when I espied the EXTRA STRENGTH version of Gold Bond. Ah, nothing like the nuclear version, right?


So, I finished my shopping, came home, unloaded, made lunch for myself and the kids, went and got some more stuff from the store that I'd forgotten, did a load of clothes, and then remembered my powder purchase--you know, what with all that to-and-fro friction I'd brought onto my limbs from using them to walk.

Upstairs, peeled off the safety seal on top of the powder, dropped my jeans down, pulled out the waistband of my tighty-whities, and dumped a generous helping of talc, acacia, eucalyptol, methyl salicylate, salicylic acid, thymol, zinc stearate, 5.0% zinc oxide, and 0.8% menthol down onto Area 51.

Hmm. I expected...well, something. Oh, well.

Hitched everything back up, put away the powder, sat down to check my email, and was suddenly reminded of the old Richard Pryor routine where one of his characters decided to splash some aftershave onto himself, and decided to splash some everywhere, and was suddenly betaken by an intense burning the like of which he'd never felt, causing him to want to flush certain parts of himself down the toilet.

I was reminded of this routine because after about ten seconds of sitting, I began to feel a distinct tingling sensation, something like when you slam your elbow into the corner of a table while catching your little toe on the corner of your bed while eating a bowl of jalapenos inside of a blast furnace on the Sun, all concentrated into a small area not usually accustomed to such sensations.

Those of you who've ever been victimized by the application of a dollop of Icy-Hot or Atomic Balm to your athletic supporter by your "friends" in the locker room might be familiar with the sensation.

That was about thirty minutes ago now, and I think in the future, I shall not be nearly so free in the application of Gold Bond (Extra Strength) Medicated Powder to my more sensitive locations.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at July 23, 2010 03:11 PM

An important warning that those products liability lawyers some how missed. It's good that you are here to warn the rest of us.

Posted by: Jordana at July 24, 2010 02:39 PM

::smacks forehead:: You're RIGHT! I need to find me a good product liability lawyer who specializes in morons who injure their delicate bits with powder!

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at July 24, 2010 06:13 PM

But now you walk with a certain style and dash-- i bet.

Posted by: jim at July 27, 2010 10:56 AM

You are correct--in, fact, more style and dash than I've ever experienced.

I'm also reminded of the old comedy bit (and all the various iterations thereof)--

First person: "Could you show me where you keep the talcum powder?"

Second person (either prisses, or walks bowlegged): "Walk this way, please."

First person: "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder!"

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at July 27, 2010 11:34 AM

Hello non-blogger. I was at a site (graveyardmall.com) that had Auburn golf head covers for cheap ($5) and I thought of an infamous Auburn grad and now just saw the powdered naughty bits post. It seems like there should be a link there ...

I gave serious consideration to joining Facebook for the chance to be your facefriend. After blogging so many years I just can't get sufficiently motivated to go through with it. That, and my wife and son are already on it, and I see their faces plenty at home already, and I wouldn't want to intrude on their fun, and ... enough excuses for now.

Maybe I'll join in the next big app that will involve video conferencing, kinda like the Jetsons. I'll be sure to have my face mask ready when I get online, in case I have major bedhead or powdered donut lips. NOT powdered naughty bits!

Posted by: Marc V at August 9, 2010 07:39 PM

There probably IS a link there, but one that we would all do well to avoid.

As for Facebook, I'm on it less than I'm on here--I'm cramped since we can't access it from our work computers, and once home I just don't have the time. But it is sorta nice to pretend to know famous people who don't realize how many creepy stalker types like me are trying to be their Facebook friend...

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at August 9, 2010 10:18 PM

And Facebook gives the rest of us a chance to stalk the Artist formerly known as PossumDaddy.

Posted by: Jordana at August 11, 2010 08:46 PM