June 20, 2007

Right up there with "Do these jeans make my butt look big?"

Was sitting there at the kitchen table this morning, quietly eating my whomp biscuit (thank you, Jerry Clower) and a glass of tea as my lovely bride sat with a bowl of Special K.

"What would you do if I got really skinny?"

Dang--just like when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor--I'm sitting there minding my own business and next thing you know I'm having to dodge torpedos! There's NO WAY to answer this well--if you say anything, it sounds like you're agreeing she DOES need to lose some weight, and even if she does, she doesn't WANT to think I think she's fat, and I don't WANT her to think I think she's fat, because when she thinks that, she gets all moody and doesn't want there to be any sort of nocturnal recreational activities, which makes me all agitated and jumpy.

"I, uh, well, I would probably tell you that you needed to eat something, or else you'd get sick, because you'd lost too much weight."

Yes, that was lame, but good grief, I was barely awake.

And, of course, since my parry was ineffectual, it only invited further discussion.

"No, I'm not talking about having anorexia--I'm just saying if I got really slim."


"Well, I, uhh, you're--[get up and attempt to flee to refrigerator]--uhmm, how much do you think you would like to lose?"

I have GOT to start getting up earlier and getting woken up before having these conversations.

"...but Reba, I have to say, this one's awfully hard to answer and not get in trouble, sorta like asking 'do these pants make me look big.'"

She thought for a second, "No, I wasn't looking for a compliment..."

Aaaaa-HAA! I finally got confirmation of motivation behind The Question! I knew it all along, but girls, one of your own finally let it slip that you only ask that question when you want to be told you look nice! I KNEW IT!!

Now if I could only figure a way out of the fix I was already in.

"...I was just thinking that I'd like to get back to the size I was when I had Ashley."

I continued attempting to affect my extrication from this situation with questions about what size she thought she should be, and avoided tripping any of the wires crisscrossing the area, or running across one of the laser beams, and sidestepped the mines, and managed to change the subject right as I jumped out of the way of the crocodile tank, which was full of sharks, too.

I did this by changing the subject when Rebecca came in the kitchen.

Thank goodness for the cavalry.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at June 20, 2007 08:19 AM

Whew ... at breakfast too! Kinda makes you wanna get up earlier to avoid those types of breakfast conversations. I'm reminded of the Twix commercial, for those moments when you don't want to say anything and instead cram your mouth full of Twix bars. I suppose it would not have looked good to cram a whole biscuit in your mouth, though.

Repeat after me: Your health and happiness are far more important to me than any dress or pant size you happen to fit into. We have gone through some changes during our marriage and I intend to love you as you change in the future as I hope you will love me as I change.
(Then quickly change the subject to the kids.)

Posted by: Marc V at June 20, 2007 08:51 AM

Response #2: Why, I'd buy you a pair of Chuck Norris approved Action Jeans!
(Confusing her, then follow up with a change in subject to crazy things on the Internet.)

Posted by: Marc V at June 20, 2007 08:54 AM

I stand by what I commented over at Jordana's. I opt for the immediate trouble-causing answer, on the theory that I'm going to get in trouble no matter what, so why not save time?

The conversation has come up frequently at Chez Skinny, and my answer always is "but I LIKE you fat."

I still get yelled at, but I'm too old and too lazy to dry and dodge my way through the minefield.

Posted by: skinnydan at June 20, 2007 09:01 AM

There is always the taking the offense/deflecting the topic,

"I cry my eyes out, honey, because if you got really skinny you would leave dumpy old me for a newer, hotter model."

"I have a difficult enough time keeping all those other guys away from you as it is."

Of course, those could just as well get you into trouble as anything else. Cramming your mouth full of biscuit and just grunting may be a more prudent course.

Posted by: Diane at June 20, 2007 09:35 AM

Hmmm--Skinnydan opts for the classic maneuver when ambushed--move out of the kill zone and implement an immediate and aggressive counterattack.

Skinnydan must have reached his desired limit of matrimonial amusement.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at June 20, 2007 10:27 AM

Wives are forgiving creatures. And I can still make her laugh, which gets me out of a lot of things.

Posted by: skinnydan at June 20, 2007 11:27 AM

Well, we'll have to find out what Mrs. Skinny says about this...

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at June 20, 2007 12:18 PM

Unlike SOME people, I haven't been outed yet. Y'all will have to wait a bit longer to hear from the delightful Mrs. S.

Posted by: skinnydan at June 20, 2007 01:16 PM

By the way, "The Delightful Mrs. S." would be a really good band name.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at June 20, 2007 01:18 PM


Sounds more like one good rockin' album, then they immediately go acoustic and aim for the Adult Contemporary market.

Posted by: skinnydan at June 21, 2007 07:49 AM