April 26, 2007

Proving that Some People are Very Stupid

Jim Smith sent me this article yesterday, doing his darndest to angry up my blood.

"I'm not a plastic bag."

Obviously made to impress people who are, as we say around here, too stupid to pour piss out of a boot even if it had instructions on the heel. Or who would pay $400 on eBay for a poke sack.

Look, I don't have anything against anyone who wants to use cloth bags instead of plastic--knock yourself out. (Okay--NOT REALLY! Apparently some of you are so dense you'd actually try it.) But this little snippet should give everyone some concern--"The resulting drop in carbon emissions linked to the manufacturing and disposal of the bags is equivalent to taking 18,000 cars off the road."

As I mentioned to Jim, apparently these particular cotton bags are made by magic, and thus require no huge factory farms of cotton in some underdeveloped nation such as Senegal or India, where lovely natural fibers are grown using a horrifying witch's brew of petrochemical fertilizers and insecticides, and are not then harvested by giant mechanized reapers (or slave labor), then not trucked hundreds of miles to the nearest toxic fiber mill, where the pretty pretty cotton is converted into thread, then not trucked several hundred more miles to a toxic cloth mill, where the threads are woven into ugly burlap, which is not then shipped to a child labor factory in China where it is cut and sewn together, then not loaded on a giant container ship back to England, where Keira Knightley gets to slum around SoHo with Orlando Blossom, feeling superior to everyone. The superiority that can only come from carrying a magic bag.

I don't really know where Sainsbury gets their ecotrendy bags, but if you decided to follow the trail, you'd find that they aren't quite as friendly to Mother Gaia as the trendy sorts might like to believe.

Not that it matters.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at April 26, 2007 09:08 AM

When I saw those bags on the news this morning, I thought "what a great t-shirt!" You should get to CafePress ASAP, cause I Am Not A Plastic Bag!

Posted by: skillzy at April 26, 2007 09:17 AM

I would like to see them printed on plastic bags, just to confuse everyone. Also good would be alternative slogans, such as:

"I am not an animal!"

"I am not Al Gore's mansion."

"I am not a plastic bag, but some of my best friends are."

"I am not buying all this global warmening garbage."

"I yam what I yam."

"Notice how environmentally conscious I am able to make my housekeeper and nanny be!"

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 26, 2007 09:30 AM

Howzabout "I'm a one-square gal/guy"

Tout your environmentally-friendly butt to the world, eh?

Posted by: skinnydan at April 26, 2007 09:34 AM

Perhaps that can be the name for Sheryl's next series of concerts: "The One-Square Tour".

Posted by: Stan at April 26, 2007 09:41 AM

I'd like one that advertises your cellulosic profligacy--"I USE A WHOLE ROLL EVERY TIME I GO!"

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 26, 2007 09:59 AM

I'd like to see a bumper sticker:

Posted by: Marc V at April 26, 2007 10:18 AM

It is rather odd when the same side who constantly rail against the government's intrusion into various bedrooms and uteri see nothing peculiar about their desire to determine how people handle their own personal hygiene issues.

Oh, but wait--I forgot--all that was simply a joke. Which I'm willing to let pass, so to speak.

Especially since it obviously means all the rest of that Save Mother Earth claptrap was a joke, too.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 26, 2007 10:27 AM

You know what? I just figured out how she manages to use one square at a time - she gets 400-ply TP.

Posted by: skinnydan at April 26, 2007 10:30 AM

That's as thick ... as a brick! If you'll allow me another lyrical assault (tune up the flute!):

Really don't mind if you sit this one out.
My words but a whisper -- your deafness a SHOUT.
I may make you feel but I can't make you think.
It's easier that way to accept global warming.

But your one-square wipe starts to peel
and you're looking for more paper to steal
you Gaia-women must know how it feels
to be thick as a brick.

Posted by: Marc V at April 26, 2007 12:20 PM

I think Sheryl's tour needs to be renamed the "Drip Dry TOur"

Posted by: Nate at April 26, 2007 12:32 PM

Next stop: Uranus!

(Nate, I swear I think we've already had this conversation.)

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at April 26, 2007 01:20 PM