Possumblog

Dear Dr. Possum,

Where on earth is our missing library book, "Mr. Peepers"? It was due last week and the grace period ends today.

Well, obviously it's in the last place it was left.

Mr. Peepers is a leftie? Politically?

I'm not sure, but I always enjoyed it when he was on Hollywood Squares.

Dear Dr. Possum, why did the online motorcycle accessory sales place fail to notice that there was no hardware included in the box with my new windshield? Didn't they know that I was anxiously waiting this final bit of stylish plastic to complete my riding project? Why did the email, promised after the live chat with Customer Service, fail to arrive with a new shipping date for the replacement parts?

Don't they know how much stress this is causiing me?

Nate, they were unaware of their oversight because they became distracted by hearing a replay of Sanjaya on the radio. They were aware that you were anxiously waiting on your parts, but don't really care that much since they've got a hundred other customers just like you whom they're also abusing. Their e-mail was simply a ploy to get you to hang up with the customer service rep, who was trying to leave to go to lunch. Yes, they are aware of the stress this is causing you, but, hey, at least they've got their money.

Do you accept questions/need-for-advice on child rearin' matters?

For some reason I have two boys (it was three but the third went back to his momma) who think it's OK to place their mouths near the edge of a plate and shovel food in to their mouths, particularly if they're hungry or near the end of the meal. After getting over the urge to stridently backhand them upside the head, I'll get them to raise their heads and then ask them if they would refrain from eating like an animal. I realize the manual dexterity needed in successfully manipulating an eating utensil can be tricky to master for young hands.

Anywhozitz, short of having them literally eat off of the floor, do you have any other suggestions to change their slovenly ways? I suppose if I served them food items from the Cornaguin menu, then I would not have to worry about it since their food would be on a stick.

Marc, Dr. Possum is an expert in all fields, including the rearing of human children, having with his very own eyes observed their behavior in their natural habitat.

As you observed, children are inept at many tasks adults find simple, including not only such things as eating with a fork, but also such things as sports betting or performing as an artillery spotter.

In your case, it would be best to understand their limitations and react accordingly, with additional consideration shown toward helping them learn better skills.

First, the mess. Placemats, tip-proof drinkware, and an abundant supply of napkins are necessary to keep your valuable possessions as clean as possible from contamination.

Second task is to instill in the youngsters the understanding that whatever they mess up, they have to clean up. Including having to go take a bath. Baths can be fun, but in this instance they won't want to do it because they don't want to see it as the result of their sloppiness. This should create in them a small sense of cause and effect and help them understand not to waste fun bathtime on scraping off a layer of marinara sauce.

Third, the type of food served does have some bearing on their ability to feed. Understand that slippery, cumbersome, icky, long, hot, tiny, or foods still moving under their own power make it harder for children to get the food in their gullet instead of on their bodies. Although it's a bad idea to make them think you're a short order cook and/or slave, it wouldn't hurt to make sure their portions are manageable in size and disposition on the plate. But don't think you have to serve them special kid food--they should eat what you do, or you're setting yourself up for another problem, that of the finicky child.

Fourth, have some training sessions on how to eat like a human. Allow them to pretend to be gibbons or baboons, and tell them you're going to let them be the first apes ever to master the use of human eating utensils. The challenge of trying to act human is often a good motivator for children, and they are often more amenable to performing such tricks than they would be if they think they're being punished. Also, it might be helpful to separate the utensil training from actual mealtime.

Fifth, insist that everyone in the family use their good table manners at all time, even if it's just a bowl of cereal or manatee fritters. It's a lot easier to do that than pretend there are "house manners" and "restaurant manners." Having one consistent standard saves a lot of fuss.

Sixth, realize that even real humans (i.e., adults) occasionally spill stuff on their ties or brassieres, even after years of using both eating utensils and the facial muscles that control chewing. So don't get too weirded out if they do still occasionally mess up. Just make them clean it up and themselves up, and tell them not to do it again.

Or else.

Am I to understand, sir, that you have spilled food materials on your brassiere?

I'd simply like to get my adorable progeny to plant their posteriors on their chairs instead of standing and eating while doing the macarena and reciting fun songs they learned at school.

It wasn't mine, Dan.

As for your fidgeting offspring and their predilection for macarena and cheese and dinner shows, I would again suggest using their natural exhuberance and childlike wonder as a way to subjugate them to your will.

Since they enjoy performing, ask them to pretend to be children raised by iron-fisted evil strangers who make children sit and eat quietly like humans. They will become so taken with pretending to be these OTHER poor children (something along the lines of the kids in the Series of Unfortunage Events books) that they'll begin to act this way all the time. You can praise them all you want for their marvelous, groundbreaking, affecting performances as being as good as anything you've ever seen on Broadway or off, and they'll be none the wiser that you've tricked them.

Until, of course, they read this.

Ohhh, dinner and dance - how lucky you are Mr. Dan!

Thank you Dr. Possum for your detailed reply. They have been trained, they don't get inordinately messy, and they are typically served on "compartmentalized" plates (so that inappropriate mixing of foods is avoided) that should help them to secure the food on the eating utensil of choice. They still continue to prefer the "shovel" method.

The older boy has actually been to a manners class, yet now he likes to regale us with his proficiency in burping. I don't mind them spilling food on themselves or surroundings IF they are using their eating utensils in something that resembles a proper procedure.

I quite heartily agree with not maintaining a separate "home" vs. "restaurant manners, but if we can't get them to behave at home then there's no hope of a restaurant trip, and all of the amenities that provides.

Hmm--I see. Not a question of not knowing, but of ignoring. Much as it pains me to say it, harsher measures are in order. There must be a negative outcome associated with this behavior. Sit them down away from suppertime and tell them that it's got to stop and why. Explain to them they lose a privilege with each infraction, and allow them to determine what the level of penalization should be for the initial and subsequent infractions, then post the list on the refrigerator so everyone sees it. Also tell them to come up with a set of privileges they'd LIKE to have if they go a whole week without acting like hogs at a trough, and post this as well.

Try to enforce this consistently and impartially, and they might start coming around.

Or, should it not break their behavior, Dearly Beloved Grandma Possum says, "throw their danged plates outside and tell them if they want to eat like an animal, they can eat outside!"

Of course, Dearly Beloved Grandma Possum never heard of Child Protective Services, but then again, she never seemed to have a need for them.

Hmmmm - fishing for Kung Pao Chicken where few should tread, and even then never in public?

And if I may suggest in front of our revered teacher, Marc, you could crazy glue the utensils to their hands (or staple them if you prefer) to reduce the shoveling. They'd have to use their forks to avoid stabbing themselves uncomfortably.

Alternatively, you could put one bite-sized piece of food on their plate at a time, which will be neater but necessarily slower.

Mr. Dan, I know not of what you speak, sir.

But I will agree that uncomfortable stabbing is quite unpleasant.

Thank you, Dan, for boldly speaking in front of our revered teacher. It's not a problem of them holding onto their utensils. It's simply their vile habit of lowering their faces to table level, opening their mouths at the the edge of the plate, and then shovelling in the food as if their oral cavity was some sort of dust pan, where the eating utensil acts as a broom.

A picture would be worth a thousand words in this instance, though decorum prevents me from posting this disgusting sight.

And we are all about decorum around here.

Marc, my seven year still thinks that hands are the appropriate utensils for almost everything short of soup -- and I doubt he would be above picking the veggies he likes out of the soup with his fingers either. Maybe some children are just meant to live in Morocco?

Fly them down to Australia where they can watch William, my 22-month-old, in his first attempts to use a utensil. So far he has established that a spoon can scoop food and has mastered that. He is currently working on raising the spoon, loaded with food, to his mouth. Success will eventually result. In the meantime, I'm glad we have an old-fashioned easy-clean linoleum floor.

The point being, seeing such behaviour might encourage your boys to demonstrate superior eating behaviour.

No wait, I've got a better idea. I'll send William to you.

Dr Possum, what do think of my suggestion?

Sounds like a grand idea, Mr. Hand, although I would suggest poking some air holes in the box and putting some Cheerios and Vegemite in the box along with some diapers and a blanket. You probably should also mark the box with an arrow pointing "this way up." Also, make sure he doesn't wind up in Morocco.

Mr. Hand: we already have a 3 year old providing examples of how not to do it, although she'll surprise me occasionally with her utensil dexterity. Thanks for the offer of William, but we're all full-up here in the Taterbed.

Miss Jordana: I remember going to an Ethiopian restaurant years ago where you had a platter of different dishes and used some type of flat bread to scoop them up. They had some curry dishes you'd probably like. Perhaps we could arrange this for the AoW picnic?!?

I did put the "fear-of-Dad" in them tonight, but that also means I have to constantly watch them for any tendency of placing their mouth at plate level. Our new dinner-time entertainment involves the game of how much they can balance on the fork using their spoon to pile it on and the subsequent stuffing of mouth. Great fun ... not.
[One battle at a time - Lord give me strength.]