April 13, 2007

Well, now--it seems I still have a pea-sized drop of functioning brain cells this afternoon!

What better way to finish killing them off than by attempting an Omnibus Wrap-Up of The Past Week!

Wait...hold on--I....urghhhhhhuh.

Aw, dangitall. Now THAT little bit's gone, too.

Oh, well, no biggie. Y'know why? Because this was one of the Stupidest Weeks in History, and it'll be a big help in discussing it if I have a completely empty cranium.

The Nappy Imus Flap? If you get so devastated by what this creepy-looking old maniac says about you that you think your life as you know it is over, well, maybe you need to go hide in your dorm and never come out. Look, he's an idiot and a moron and he said something ungentlemanly and idiotic. He's not the first, and he won't be the last. He doesn't speak for the Happy White People no more than the Rev. [sic] Al Sharpton speaks for all the Nappy Black People. This whole thing proves nothing more than where there's a spark of insensitivity, there are plenty of arsonists around willing to pour gasoline on it in the hopes that afterwards they'll be able plunder through the ashes for valuables. I'm not saying it should be ignored, nor that the women so insulted should "get over it." I'm saying get above it. You know why I don't melt anytime someone (of any color) gets on the news and talks about toothless homicidal redneck Alabama livestock-lovin' crackers? Because I'm not one. (Well, mostly not.) Life can be difficult, and people can be unfair. It's not right, but it's the way it is. You can wallow in it, or seek something higher and better for yourself. Which, seeing as how the Revs. [sic] Al and Jesse are both putative men of God, you'd think you'd hear a bit more from them about things such as God's saving grace and His redemptive power and forgiveness and following a higher standard of conduct. Yeah, I know--that's just crazy talk.

US Attorney Firings? Do you mean to tell me this imbroglio is STILL going on!? Democratics are idiots. Thank God they're not in charge of both Houses of Congress and we're not in the middle of trying to fight a war.


They ARE!? We ARE!?

Heaven help us one and all.

Stupid Headline--Transient arrested in death of homeless man If you have the patience to read to the third sentence, you see that both men were homeless transients. Why does the headline read the way it does? Because "transient" still has a negative connotation, and "homeless," while not positive, still evokes a sense of sympathy. It sorta reminds me of this joke:

Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck and killing him instantly. A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!" The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Bama Fan, I'm an Auburn Fan!" The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet"

It's pretty bad when the local newspaper's reportage about a murder makes the reader think of a stupid joke. Again, not sure if that's a reflection on the paper or its readership. Either way, it's not good.

American Idol? Does anyone really like Phil Stacey? We used to have a guy that worked here that had a lightbulb head like that, and it just looks really, really bad bald. But here's the deal--it looks MUCH WORSE to put on those stoopid caps covering not only scalp but big flappy Dumbo ears. Melinda sings the best, and despite Simon GirlBoobie's assertions to the contrary, it is NOT a singing contest, or else they'd have never put Samhain into the mix. It's backfired on them now, because he's gonna be made to win by a combination of people who hate American Idol and idiots who love Sandfire. Of the ones left, I like Jordin best, even though she can't sing as well as Melinda. But Melinda just doesn't seem like she'll have huge amounts of fans clamoring to buy her records. With Jordin (or even the Beatbox Guy), you figure you'll get at least a couple of years of pre-teens who'll buy her stuff before she flames out. Anyway, if you love train wrecks, the Country Western theme show next week should be a doozy. I look for Saniflush to sing "Stand By Your Man."

Duke Lacrosse Team? Let me just say that the proper way to right past injustices visited upon falsely accused minorities is not by visiting the same injustice of false accusations upon others. Or, to put it more succinctly, this.

Selling Off Walter P.'s Garage? I like this idea more than I can stand. It just makes me goosepimply all over thinking about it.

The Presidential Race? As usual, I bring back my idea that it would be better for the Republic for us to have a nice big Texas No-Holds Barred Steel Cage Match. It'd be cheaper, quicker, and a heck of a lot more entertaining. And we might get someone with some guts and backbone. Or at least some wicked cool scars.

Katie Couric Plagiaristess? What a completely stupid story. She goes on the air with something purported to be her own thoughts (about being able to have a library card--as IF!), which were prepared by staffers and various furry underlings, which in turn were lifted verbatim from an actual news organization's publication, and Katie get's to use the excuse that since she did not know the work she did not do (but claimed credit for, i.e., plagiarized) had been stolen by other people first, everything is great and wonderful and that person has been fired, and SAY, I'm dating a 33 year old! I wonder if she'll steal stuff from his blog and claim it as her own. She probably already uses his razor on her legs.

Anyway, fake but accurate still seems to have carry a lot of weight at the Tiffany Network.

Blogger Code of Ethics? Oh, come on. If you do that, why not do something a heck of a lot more productive and have a Blogger Aptitude Test to cover book-learning, followed up by a Blogger School of Common Sense Test to test street skills. If you don't score a passing grade on both, you don't get to blog and have to go back to posting pictures of your cat on whatever stupid message board you inhabit.

New Washer and Dryer? Both work just fine, thankyewvermuch. They both have the honest unpretentiousness of a washer, and a dryer. No LEDs, no stylish swoops and curves, nothing that screams SAVE MOTHER GAIA. I like the last part especially. I'm all for saving energy and all, but if you figure that this $279 model uses $22 annually in energy, and the high efficiency $1,800 model uses $8 worth, it would take 108 years to recover the $1,521 difference in purchase price with the $14 difference in energy costs. Sorry to be such a spoil sport. All you rich folks can assuage your green guilt by buying the expensive stuff, and I'll content myself with refraining from eating boiled cabbage and producing noxious gasses from my hinder parts.

Atlanta? Eh. It's big, isn't it? Yeah. Pretty much. The Marriott was very nice, though. It was clean and neat and the bed was comfy, which was good, because all I wanted to do was stay in it with the covers over my head and the curtains drawn. Not that I got to, mind you. Just wanted to. The couple of days were spent having to deal with one derned thing after another. But no one died, so I suppose on the whole it was a very successful trip.

Oh, that's enough for today.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at April 13, 2007 02:25 PM