March 05, 2007

Jury Duty, Day 1

This year I came prepared with a sackful of reading material--a stack of car magazines and a book about the SS Mayaguez (By the way, for those who believe Gerald Ford to be the Last Great Republican President, it would be best for you to not read this book. He comes off badly--basically, the lumbering dolt he was portrayed as by liberals back when he was just another Republican and not a stick to beat up on George Bush with.)

The only problem is that I didn't get there quite early enough to get a front row seat, and had to settle for an aisle. Which, of course, meant I had to move in to the empty middle seats when they ran out of places for people to sit. So for a while there I was squinched up betwixt two big ol' women, with no knee room in front of me.

That loosened up a good bit, though, after a bunch of folks got taken away for juries and I saw several seats open up on the front. After the break, I came back and got one, but had to endure some OTHER big ol' woman's outdoor-grade expensive perfume. And her constant elbowing of me. She'd met up with three of her expensive friends and so she turned her back to me to carry on her conversation (loud, mannered, full of references to the lake house and her husband's patients) while simultaneously swinging her arms back toward me.

Thankfully, she and her friends got called in the next round.

Waited, read.

Lunch, where I decided to run over to the library to see if I could post a few things. Made my way through a filthy phalanx of Rainbow People or Phish phans on the sidewalk in front of the library. Big clot of them, all about 19, full of heady ideas and lice and bold talk for people who make no contribution to society.

It wouldn't be quite so bad, except for those of us old enough to have been hippies when they were first on the scene (man) who would greatly appreciate the younger generation coming up with something NEW for once, instead of glomming onto a greasy and unproductive nostalgia lifestyle.

Whatever, dude.

Came in, found a computer that was empty, and set about to log on but found that either the server was down or it was being filtered. So, no dice. And then, AGAIN WITH THE SMELLY PEOPLE!

Some youngish guy in a bad Hawaiian print shirt came in and started peeling the lining out of my nostrils with his horrifunktacular body odor. And why is it that the Bohemian sorts of people who disdain regular contact with soap and water decide a good alternative is to douse themselves with--yes, you guessed it--patchouli.

I realize smells can't kill you, but doggone it, if something smells bad, it ain't good. Long time ago, they thought bad air COULD kill you, thus the name for the dread disease of malaria. Now we know through science that it's instead caused by foul demons and not bad air, but I still think there's something to be said for avoiding bad odors. Is there ANYthing in nature that smells bad and is good? Rotting meat? Bad. Sulphurous vents around volcanos? Bad. Burning rubber? Bad. Hippies? Bad. I can't think of anything that smells good and is bad for you, although I do hear that the last thing guys in the gas chamber smell is almonds. Which, I suppose is a good way to go. And there was this girl I knew at Auburn who always wore "Lauren" perfume, and to this day whenever I smell that particular heady and perfect perfume I become weepy and morose and start drinking heavily. Not really.

ANYway, here's the deal--you youngsters want to be freewheeling and bold and innovative with your tiny little young minds and be unique in all of world history and create a trend for future generations? BECOME CLEAN-SMELLING HIPPIES! I guarantee you'll be unique. And I'll like you better.

And please, PLEASE, if you're going to use the computer terminals at the library, don't be a stinky dirty hippie. BE A NEW HIPPIE and smell clean, so I won't start GAGGING and have to leave after spending only about ten minutes playing on the computer.

SO, after that, I had to go outside, back past the lousy hippies, and finally get some fresh air in my lungs. Although I still think I smell that hideous odor sticking to various nasal crevices.

After lunch, back to the jury room, got myself a nice seat up front, and got called for a jury toward the end of the day. Didn't get back to the courtroom, though, so that'll be the first task tomorrow.

See you then!

Posted by Terry Oglesby at March 5, 2007 10:52 PM

Wow, thanks for the late-breaking news! I did not realize gas masks were becoming de rigeur in downtown.

Posted by: Stan at March 6, 2007 12:19 AM

"... I do hear that the last thing guys in the gas chamber smell is almonds. Which, I suppose is a good way to go."

Ummm, how was this information divined? By seance? Or did they blurt out "Hey what's with the almond smell?" before succumbing to the deadly fumes?

Sounds like you're ready to write a book on dealing with the "great unwashed". We get so used to the lack of strong perfumes/odors in our lives, that when we get trapped in malodorous situations we tend to overamplify it.

Isn't patchouli some kind of casserole dish? I hope you can capture the look on your face if and when your son goes on an "Axe" fragrance splurge. I think teenage boys use it to help them skip their daily shower.

Posted by: Marc V at March 6, 2007 09:23 AM

Ah, Gerald Ford and the SS Mayaguez! Enough to make an otherwise intelligent person vote for Jimmah. Ford was a dolt. He only looks good in comparison with Carter.

The two of them were enough to make me decide neither major party had anything to offer and nothing since has changed that opinion.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at March 6, 2007 09:44 AM

Kim Chee smells truly awful, but tastes good.

I agree about the whole smelly hippies and patchouli. When ever I smell one I know I'll smell the other.

Posted by: Sarah G. at March 6, 2007 11:19 AM

Marc, according to the CDC, cyanide gas has something of a "bitter almond" smell, but how they figured that out without succumbing to the bitter almond smell-making chemical is beyond me. As for Axe, thank heavens both Jonathan and Rebecca have become sickened by even the thought of it, due to the extremely heavy usage of said product by the other kids in their P.E. classes.

Larry, I think it's time to dust off the "Dan Gurney For President" buttons.

Sarah, I've never had kim chee, but I've heard the same thing. Also nuoc mam is supposed to be similarly ferocious, yet oddly tasty. I draw the line at tasting hippies, though.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at March 6, 2007 01:08 PM

Dan is the Man! I wore that button proudly. I guess now Dale Jr might be as iconic but not as classy.

Posted by: Chef Tony at March 6, 2007 05:24 PM

You know, they DO have bumper stickers available at AAR!

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at March 6, 2007 07:15 PM