February 06, 2007

HEY! I know!

It might seem very boring around here today, but that's only because no one realized the smartest man in the world, Dr. Possum, is in the building!

So you have this rash, or maybe a math problem, or possibly a philosophical dilemma, and you'd like an answer, a diagnosis, or just some attention because you crave virtual human contact. WELL, MY FRIENDS, Dr. Possum is just the person and/or marsupial to ask.

Feel free to leave a question below and Dr. Possum will examine it and think and research and scratch his tummy and give you the most correct answer you are ever going to find!

Remember, as a graduate of many online educational outlets*, Dr. Possum has many, many degrees in a variety of fields**, and is thus able to impart accurate***, scientifically-derived† answers to all of your problems. SO have at it!

*Graduate status pending in 8 of 10 institutions, with 1 degree completed in Telemarketing Science, and 1 degree in Video Stalking awaiting release of transcripts.

**Areas of study are available upon request.

***Accuracy guaranteed to nearest whole number.

†"Science" or "scientifically-derived" shall not be construed in a strict manner, and may include such things as SWAGs, Kentucky windage, or running items up the flagpole and seeing who salutes.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at February 6, 2007 11:07 AM

Isn't "He who laughs last laughs best" rather silly? Who's to judge? Shouldn't it be "He who laughs last takes the longest to get it"?

If you spare the rod and spoil the child, how many days until they start to stinkin' somethin' awful?

Posted by: Marc V at February 6, 2007 11:35 AM

I believe the high quality questions have Dr. Possum stumped and he is just making excuses with that lunch bit.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at February 6, 2007 12:27 PM

Why Mister Anderson, you are nothing but a ruthless bounder and a cad! A vituperative clapperclaw! A blackguard and a paisley waistcoat!

How dare you impugn my motives!

Diligent research takes time, sir, and I will NOT be rushed into giving forth an answer that has not been fully formed and given life and reason; for answers are as my own children, each lovingly reared and betokened with a vivacity and verity far beyond mere words upon a page! And, sir, apparently far beyond your own mean abilities to appreciate them!

My reputation thus sullied and besmirched and insulted by one of such low repute, I demand satisfaction!

Although it is far above you to offer you the gentleman's choice of weapons, I do grant it to you in the spirit of the contest--either herring at three paces, or the stinging snap of wet towels. My second shall contact your second as to particulars for time, place, &c., &c..

Good DAY, sir.

NOW, as to the answer to Senor Velazquez's inquiry--no, it is not silly.

Judging of who laughs best is handled under the terms of the Maltese Agreement of 1894, and in the cases of Morgensonn v. Weve, Bolder, Coosin, et. al., (1918) and Commonwealth of Canada v. Sellers (1923) it was determined that the person who laughs last does laugh best, although the tribunal in both cases did not firmly establish a method by which timekeeping could be done. Various methods are discussed but precedent has generally sided with the use of any method as long as both parties are in agreement prior to the commencement of laughter.

As to the second inquiry, children may be kept fresh using Tupperware for up to three weeks, as long as extremes of temperature are avoided.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 6, 2007 01:32 PM

Do I need to poke holes in the Tupperware? It would be a shame to ruin perfectly good Tupperware if I don't have to.

Posted by: Sarah G. at February 6, 2007 02:20 PM

No, no holes! That defeats the purpose of the patented sealing rim. If you are concerned about it, you could use something like a lettuce crisper, but this will only allow the children to keep for a week at most, and then only if kept in the refrigerator.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 6, 2007 02:41 PM

Why on earth would you start researching your answers now? Isn't that likely to skew the results you have so far achieved with a minimum of factualness?

Posted by: skinnydan at February 6, 2007 03:09 PM

NONSENSE!! Any results-skewing that might occur are well within the design tolerances, and further, research does not have to have anything to do with factualness. Surely you've read enough newspapers to know that by now.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 6, 2007 03:25 PM

What is real? Is black a colour? Where does the air stop? If the earth is spinning, why doesn't we all fly off? If the sun explodes, how long before we all die?

Posted by: kitchen hand at February 6, 2007 06:26 PM

... don't ...

Posted by: kitchen hand at February 6, 2007 06:27 PM

In order 1) Professional wrestling, 2) Yes (or no), 3) Burma, 4) Because we don't have wings, 5) It doesn't matter since we're all gonna burn up from global warming.

And 6) Sorry, but I already have.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 6, 2007 06:34 PM

On a totally different note, and referencing something we have talked about privately, if I take energy conservation seriously, and do decide to replace these bare shields (windows) in this 1962 ranch house, where do I start?

I see advertisements for Pella, Anderson, and the M, Marvin? brands, but they seem designed for McMansions and will be priced accordingly, I'm sure.

If we do this carefully, in stages, I won't be overcome by cleaning tasks, and we won't have to take an equity loan on the house.

So there. Lyman agrees with you on replacing windows.

Posted by: Janis Gore at February 6, 2007 06:48 PM

And yes, hon, 21 degrees don't even go down well in the Deep South.

Posted by: Janis Gore at February 6, 2007 08:50 PM

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Go and boil your bottom, you silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Doctor Possum," you and all your silly b-log-gers.

Posted by: Larry Anderson Jr. at February 7, 2007 07:17 AM

Mrs. Gore, I would suggest that you first explore the yellow pages and see if you have any local window manufacturers. It may be a bit difficult to find them where you are than in a larger market, but even in smaller towns, there are usually some millwork shops who can make windows. Another possibility is to check your local home supply store, which will usually have a lower cost alternative to the major brands. Another alternative would be heavy-duty vinyl sash windows. Although not nearly so long-lived as wood, they do a good job in the energy conservation department since plastic is generally not a good conductor. If you want to do the job in phases, it's best to do one side of the house entirely, and if possible to do the side which would have the highest potential energy gain or loss. In the South, we have more need for cooling, so you need to try to fix the southern exposure first so you can get some shielding from the sun. Up North, it might be better to replace the north facing windows first, which is where all your heat goes rushing out during the winter. Another alternative that doesn't look as good but is more practical is to replace the largest units first before moving on to the smaller ones. Single glazed aluminum windows are no better than having a huge hole in the wall, so making the holes smaller (in a virtual sense) with insulated windows will quickly make a difference in your comfort and energy costs. Of course, it can look weird with different types of windows until you're done with it.

Mr. Anderson, Jr., you do not fool me.

Posted by: Dr. Possum at February 7, 2007 08:38 AM