Possumblog

Ask Dr. Possum!

Hardly a day goes by that someone does not come to the palatial Axis of Weevil World Headquarters and knock on the screen door asking if they can speak to Dr. Possum about various aches, pains, maladies, malodors, mathematics problems, or other such quandaries they might have. Usually, our staff must demur and explain that Dr. Possum does not keep regular office hours, then gently shoo the person off the porch (reminding them not to lean too hard on the handrail, and to watch out for the septic tank cleanout at the bottom of the steps) and tell them to come back when they see his car in the parking lot.

WE ARE HAPPY TO REPORT that Dr. Possum's shiny new 1990 Hyundai Excel has just entered the parking lot!

Therefore, it's time again for another episode of Ask Dr. Possum! To prime the pump, we already have a few questions lined up that we gleaned from the vast Possumblog Referrer Log of the past several hours AND a special list of queries from the wilds of Australia!

First up, this question from the Internet (and we know it's a REAL Internet question because there are no capital letters or punctuation!): how can i break a coon dog from running a possum

Dr. Possum responds: It is obvious to me that the querist is the owner not of a coon dog, but of a possum dog. There is no way to break the dog from this behavior, although it is possible to either gather up the possums in your area and paint them black and white with little bandit masks, or alternately, get together all the neighborhood raccoons and shave their tails.

Next up, another question from the Information Series of Tubes: does getting a crown hurt on broken molar.

Dr. Possum responds: No, not at all. That is, if one discounts the pain associated with breaking the molar in the first place, the series of anesthesia injections administered by the dentist, the drilling and grinding to smooth the broken molar, or the taking of various casts of the broken tooth that require the jaw to be unhinged from the skull and twisted around backwards, then no, there is no pain at all.

AND AS PROMISED, from our friend Kitchen Hand down there in Australia, who made the mistake of going into a bookstore:

If bees ate oranges instead of flowers, would they make marmalade? Where do all the pens go? Why can't you herd cats? And what do they think about when they sit in the window?

Dr. Possum responds: 1) If bees ate oranges, they would not make marmalade, but rather would make a nice orange chutney.

2) Pens, which many people presume to be lost into the couch cushions or under desks, in actuality simply disappear into thin air, possibly into an interdimensional worm hole. This also explains why pens will often turn up where they were not previously, as well as appearances by Patti LaBelle.

3) It is a common misconception that cats cannot be herded, but in the 1870s American West, there were great huge herds of cats that filled the Great Plains and were brought to market in the great stockyards of Kansas City and Tulsa by whooping, rough-and-tumble catboys. The great herds eventually were overtaken by market forces, however, as ranchers switched to the meatier and more docile fur seals.

4) Cats think of the same thing whether they are on a window sill, or napping gently on a cushion: "How can I take over the world?"

We hope these are of help to you all. NOW THEN, if YOU have a question for Dr. Possum, hurry up and ask before he sneaks out of the building again!

*Dr. Possum is fully trained and accredited by several training and accreditation places, none of which are actually recognized by any other training and accreditation orgainizations. Use caution when applying Dr. Possum's advice as it can cause irritation or minor swelling.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at January 18, 2007 09:38 AM