Possumblog

Thing on your head? You take questions about yarmulkas?

Fine, then. What do you recommend for those of us with increasingly non-hirsute domes to retain yarmulkaness?

VELCRO implants?

Toupee tape. If it can keep wisps of gossamer fabric secured upon the violently heaving bosoms of various augmented-bosom female starlets, then it would have no problem keeping one's yarmulke firmly attached.

The other alternative is something akin to permanent eyeliner, that being a tattooed yarmulke.

Velcro is not an acceptable alternative, in that it makes that horrid ripping sound when you take it off.

What do you do with a four year old who has learned the words dummy and idiot and uses them far too often?

"... shortly Dr. Possum will give you an answer.". Just how tall are you?

My 4 year old's favorite names are moron and poo-poo head. He also grumbles alot, so who knows what other stuff issues from his mouth. Time-outs for calling others mean names has not been very effective.

Perhaps some Ivory soap as toothpaste?

Ahhh, children--one of Dr. Possum's favorite subjects!

Well, first of all, this situation has become common among many children, given the prevalence of such poor behavior being modelled in popular culture such as on television programs. It is made worse by the fact that children can no longer be given large doses of over-the-counter laundanum to quiet their imitative tendencies.

In some instances, reminding the child that these words are hurtful to others can be enough to cause a child to reconsider his or her word choices, but occasionally the attention garnered by such misbehavior can only be a further inducement to keep using them.

In these cases it is usually best to tell the child that you have decided that he or she would rather go and live with the evil dwarves who live in the cellar. Some might find this harsh, especially parents who do not have a cellar. In these cases, it is perfectly acceptable to substitute other locations, such as "under the porch," "the attic," or "the cemetary."

Children, being full of imagination, often become much more cognizant of the danger in saying anything that might be construed as negative toward another person, since they'd rather NOT live with evil dwarves, no matter where they are found. Children will then learn to control their speech much more.

Parents should be cautioned, however, that merely promising punishment is no good unless the child has some certainty that it will be carried out, so occasionally it helps to send the child to the evil dwarves, even if he or she hasn't done anything wrong, just so they know what could happen if they aren't careful.

Glad to be of service!

See? That's why we try to be careful around Charlie.

Speaking of Charlie, the vet has suggested putting down some kindergarten mats for when Charlie takes a dive off the cage, to protect the weak skin on his keel.

Those mats are both pretty large and expensive -- about $12 apiece. What would be a frugal alternative?

I've thought of stuffing cheap zipper pillowcases with pieces of egg-crate foam.

Ooohh. Evil dwarves. I never thought of them! And The Big Purple House does have a scary basement...

Janis, the unfair part is that this four year old's parents do not use either dummy or idiot in their regular vocabulary. Her seven year old cousin does however use them frequently.

I figured as much. What will she say at 11 years old?

SO MANY QUESTIONS TODAY!!

Marc, Dr. Possum is exactly 2.5 arshins tall.

Miss Janis, your idea is right on track, although you'd probably be just as well to simply buy several throw pillows, which are going to be about the same price (or less, even) than buying pillowcases and foam. Get some that match your decor and pile them around the bottom of the cage and you'll have a nice, safe, and attractive spot for Charlie to practice his swan dives.

I don't want to know. She already has all the drama, sense of oppression and loathing of everything that she wants and belongs to others of a much older person.

I'm just holding out hope that maybe it will all work itself out early on and she'll be done with her teenaged difficult stage by the time she's seven. Either that or I'll be bald before she finishes high school.

Again, the universal solution seems to be toupee tape.

Hey, if they have duck tape, how about
POSSUM TAPE!

Great for a million and one uses, always handy, not as noisy as duck tape and is a more pleasant shade of grey. Chet-tested and approved. Order now and take advantage of the introductory "two-fer" offer. Just call 1-800-AOW-9999.

[NOTE: The AoW or any of its subsidiaries will not be responsible for any adverse heaving bosom or bald pate skin reaction to POSSUM tape. Not available in all states. No money back guarantee.]

The only problem is that possum tape would invariably play dead, falling apart into uselessness at just the wrong moment.

Hmmmm - suddenly I have this deep and abiding interest in red-carpeted appearances of bosomy celebrities.

How soon, Dr. P., do you suppose we could have them make the switch? In time for this year's Oscars, perhaps?

Dr. Possum, throw pillows wouldn't, I think, be big enough.

And it would be nice if the covers were washable.

Charlie's a fastidious little creature, but he do make mistakes.

Toupeetape.com has adhesive velcro loop that will stick to the skin, then the hook can be sewn into the yarmulke, Skinnydan.

Geez, Dr.Possum has opened up a whole new vista of products.

I suppose my newly patented Celebrity Wardrobe Malfunction Tape could be ready to roll within hours. I just have to find a way to make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. So to speak.

NOW, Miss Janis, you do bring up a good point. I'd forgotten that birds poop. In that case, maybe a trip to a local thrift store for some lightly used sleep mats might be more appropriate, or maybe a local daycare has some that are past usable for children but would be okay for plummeting parrots.

And remember, Dr. Possum is always overjoyed to open up new vistas.

So to speak.

Toupee tape? I thought it was carpet tape?

Janis - how about a few cheap comforters? Or are they not thick enough?

Jordana - I just hope Oldest Boy doesn't respond in kind - although from him, I'd expect one of those long, florid, horribly fun Victorian insults.

Diane, I have a quilt down in the office where he often lands, and a folded comforter in the living room where he often lands. He landed on that one last night. (Just did it again, for that matter.) So your idea works fine.

I'll need a longer term solution, which appears to entail dragging my sewing machine out and remembering how to sew in a zipper.

Wow, here I thought it was a scam but it is real:
Toupee Tape. I love the flesh color on the Velcro loops. (So much for POSSUM tape, another example of too-late-to-the-market.)

And now for something completely different:

The Larch - deciduous or coniferous?

No wonder so many "creative" people do drugs.

You can't make things up fast enough to even keep up, much less get ahead, Marc.

Never doubt what you read on Possumblog.

The Larch is both coniferous AND decidous, shedding its needles in late autumn.

That really was an interesting question, Skinnydan. What did men do in the past?

I've been told some people used Elmer's wood glue until they lost their kosher certification. Some of the extreme Chassidic sects have been known to use chin straps.

I suspect they did as men always do - either get bigger yarmulkas, bend over and pick it up after it blows off, or start wearing headgear that sits more firmly upon the noggin.

I was wondering about resin of one sort or another.

Chasing your yarmulke down in Chicago might be good exercise, but I'd imagine it would become tiresome.

Two weeks ago I threw out enough polystyrene packing material - from winking, blinking, noisy children's Christmas presents (what is it with children's toys that make noise - aren't children themselves noisy enough?) - to provide enough soft landing space for a whole forest of birds.

Dr Possum, you might like to consider the question in brackets.

Polystyrene for my baby? You must be kidding.

In re: noisy offspring--Kitchen Hand, I think this is part and parcel with the question that Miss Jordana asked, and the solution is the same. Simply telling the offending child that the toy is so loud that it might make the evil dwarves in the cellar angry, AND hungry for the tender flesh of a child, should be sufficient to allow peace to reign in the household.

As for packing material, it might be worth considering some of the water-soluble, starch-based packing materials. Placed into a pillowcase, they should be inaccessible to simple pecking, but should the material escape, it shouldn't be harmful. You can, after all, use it as a food product in addition to packing with it!