October 12, 2006

Spam, The Novel

Chapter One

"Greetings: My name is Mr. Melvin Samson. I work as an accountant in a bank."

That's what they all say, you know. I looked the tall stranger up and down. He stank of gin and pixels. "'Mr. Melvin,' it is? Oh--wait--no. 'Mr. Samson,' right?" He shifted nervously as he stood there. "Can we confidentially discuss the modalities of the--"

I cut him off with a quickly raised hand. I had someone for him to meet. "I've got someone for you to meet--Mirta Rose." His face turned ashen as she came into the room, purring almost, like a cat, or a pencil sharpener.

"Hello!" she said brightly, "The greatest thing about Viagra is the security that you are on "automatic pilot", relaxed, carefree, with no worries about a sudden loss of--" He stammered, trying to get her to stop, but it was no use. Just then the phone rang. "Hold on, you two lovebirds--lemme get this."

I picked up the blower, it was Palsies I. Fiber, my mortgage broker. "Still paying too much for your current mortgage? Great news, you are pre-qualified for the lowest rates. Our loan department is trying to reach you one last time since previous attempts to contact you all failed. You qualify for up to $620,000 for a monthly payment as low as $690. Save up to 40% off current payment, guaranteed!" Oh, sure, it sounded good.

"Palsies, you ignoramus, I've already talked to Marisol Faulk and Cornell Nance about this. I'm done with all this claptrap." I hung up and heard him continuing his sales pitch in the receiver until it clicked home in its cradle, "Please complete this final step upon receiving this notice immediately, and submit your application now..." Idiot.

"Mr. Samson--try to pull yourself away for a minute and let me ask you a question." I rang back to my secretary, Darla Mosley--"Darla, bring me the list."

She came in and handed me the sheet of paper. Nice girl, Darla. I'd caught her trying to lift my credit card number by pretending to be a bank. She looks good in heels. Anyway, I shoved the list across the desk to 'Mr. Samson.'

"Read 'em, Slick."

He wet his lips--you could tell he knew this was going to be rough. Big deal, right? Right. "Cesar Pritchard, Rolan Coulombe, Cusandra Hayes, Yukimi, Christian Frank, Dr. Benjamin Frank, Bernardo Terence Whitman, Lizzy Whirritty..."

"You know who they are? DO YOU!!" I slammed my hand down, hard, and he flinched. "Leave the room, Mirta--I've got some banking business to take care of."

"WHO ARE YOU, SAMSON!!"

"I am the barrister Dr. Thomas Jefferson Franklin, of the Cote d' Ivorie Departmetn of Jusictice."

Finally. Now we're getting somewhere...

Posted by Terry Oglesby at October 12, 2006 01:50 PM
Comments

There's nothing better than to watch a Civil Servant hard at work.

You missed your calling, my friend.

Posted by: skinnydan at October 12, 2006 02:56 PM

::bows::

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at October 12, 2006 03:02 PM

My newest employee had 758 spam messages Tuesday morning.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at October 12, 2006 04:42 PM

I've got Elberta Roughly working on tracking them all down right now...

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at October 12, 2006 04:49 PM

The spam I'm getting is sports related, or at least that's what the header says. I don't open the stuff yah know, even though I use Eudora and OS X on a Mac.

• (Normal) Rose Hammer Tuesday, 10:58 PM 0 Bar billiards
• (Normal) y causati Tuesday, 10:58 PM 3 territory pants
• (Lowest) Henry Irwin Wednesday, 12:53 AM 2 Futsal
• (Normal) Media Chadwick Wednesday, 1:33 AM 2 Re: VAGRA
• (Lowest) Dick Martinez Wednesday, 9:12 AM 2 Petanque
• (Normal) Larry Ott Wednesday, 9:12 AM 1 Winchester College Football
• (Lowest) Russell Anderson Wednesday, 9:12 AM 2 Javelin
• (Lowest) Homer Cano Wednesday, 9:12 AM 2 Ju-jitsu
• (Lowest) Jami Atwood Wednesday, 9:12 AM 2 Telemark skiing
• (Lowest) Ricky Spaulding Wednesday, 9:12 AM 2 Skijoring
• (Lowest) Laurel Elliot Wednesday, 7:00 PM 2 Hip hop dance
• (Lowest) Gil Floyd Wednesday, 7:00 PM 2 Kendo
• (Lowest) Rene Tapia Wednesday, 9:44 PM 2 Lotball
• (Lowest) Ivy Waddell Wednesday, 10:34 PM 2 Skater hockey
• (Normal) Comhgha Whitmore Wednesday, 10:44 PM 2 Re: VldAGRA
• (Lowest) Mark Gibson Wednesday, 11:24 PM 2 Skijoring
• (Lowest) Alexis Martinez Wednesday, 11:24 PM 2 Dodgeball
• (Lowest) Mindy Davenport 11:36 AM 2 Bossaball
• (Normal) Joe.R. Mensah 11:36 AM 5 Attention Tony von Krag / REPLY
• (Normal) Mr Stephen Parry 11:36 AM 6 PLEASE I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE
• (Normal) y Victor 11:36 AM 3 do you endanger Imperial donation of yourself.
• (Lowest) Thaddeus Justice 2:16 PM 2 Weightlifting
• (Lowest) Shelby Wyatt 2:16 PM 2 Middle distance
X (Normal) y Picture America 2:16 PM 3 the Detroit Free
• (Normal) y Basil Perez 2:16 PM 4 it alive
• (Lowest) Tonia Dale 4:53 PM 2 Jai-Alai
• (Lowest) Jules Pace 5:23 PM 2 Extreme snowboarding
• (Lowest) Joan Jarvis 5:33 PM 2 Keysport (La Llave)

Um in looking these over I seem to have gotten so of your friends too, Terry. That's just heartwarming, we share spammers. Only in America I guess.

Posted by: Tony von Krag at October 12, 2006 05:49 PM

Only in Australia, too.

Posted by: kitchen hand at October 12, 2006 08:08 PM

::sniff:: It's a small world, after all...

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at October 13, 2006 08:13 AM