Possumblog

Jack Bauer Update!

Grr.

Okay, so we got home in plenty of time to watch, but supper was late getting started, and Daddy has this rule about not having the TV on while supper is underway.

So I missed the first fifteen minutes. Stupid Daddy.

THEN, when we were finally through with supper, I flipped on the television to see Jack getting out of the cargo hold of the airplane. Hey. I thought the hold wasn't pressurized. Then I find out later it is. This whole flight is weird--a plane full of regular-looking folks, yet it's called a "diplomatic flight," and it takes off from Van Nuys--which is apparently the hub of all West Coast air traffic and terrorist activity during this crisis.

Anyway, that cargo hold hatch gets a lot of workout during the show.

THEN THE PHONE RINGS.

AARGHHH.

My father-in-law, who was wanting to talk about whether or not he was getting a good deal on selling their old house. Yes. Yes. YES. YES--IT'S A GOOD DEAL!!! TAKE IT!! TAKE IT!! PLEASE TAKE IT!

Let's see--Crazy First Lady Jean Smart is talking to the Pillsbury Doughboy Secret Service Guy (in a wonderfully nuanced performance by former White House spokesman Scott McClellan) to try to get herself some pills, and he says "duh" and then she calls Mike the Chief of Staff to go get her some, and he talks to President Machiavelli, who lies to him about the nature of why everyone is still awake at 2:30 in the morning, and Mike says okay, and then the President says to dope her up anyway.

MEANWHILE, Stinkyface Chloe is in an airport fending off an sloppy drunk by using a stun gun (and for the record, a stun gun will not render an assailant--no matter how stinking drunk and uncouth he may be--unconscious for fifteen minutes at time) and trying to tell Jack which person has the recorder, and so Jack whacks an air marshall and takes his gun and badge, then goes and gets who he thinks is the bad guy and then whacks him and stuffs him down in the much-used cargo hatch.

THEN THE PHONE RINGS!

GAHHHHH!

It was a peaches and cream-voiced coed from the Auburn University College of Architecture, Design, and Construction, who wanted to talk to me about some of the activities that are going on down at the campus. APPARENTLY NONE OF WHICH INVOLVE WATCHING JACK HIGHJACK AN AIRLINER!

As quickly as I could possibly work a word in edgewise, I asked her to PLEASE call back some other time.

NOW, HiJack's doing his gun-point-interrogation, and the guy he's stuffed into the luggage is baffled, and then the air marshall is woken up when the plane hits turbulence, and they finally figure out that HiJack's in the hold, and so the pilot starts depressurizing. HiJack gets Chloe to route a phone call to the captain--and just how is it that they can do this, and I drop out of coverage whenever I go between Heflin and Anniston--and Jack tells the pilot to circle around until he searches everyone, and the pilot says "That's a negatory, good buddy," and says he's gonna land as soon as he can, and he'll personally come down there and thump Jack for messing up the cargo hold.

Sometime the Evil President gets a call from his Evil Handler, who's still wondering what's happening, and Pres says "I'm being good, I promise," and then the Evil Handler goes back to wondering how he can get back on ER.

Jack decides he wants out of the cargo hold, and manages to find the control cables running through the ceiling and starts playing them like a harp and the plane goes all wonky and he tells the pilot to circle, and then HiJack finds the air marshall and stuffs HIM into the hold, and Jack comes upstairs and starts pointing his gun everywhere. EEEEK!

He starts searching everyone, and Lady Boss back at CTU brings in Fired Gray Haired Boss for dramatic effect and tells him to shut up his talking so she can talk, which she does. Her little weasel twerp calls Mike to cry about being out of the loop, and Mike tells him to shut up and quit being such a big baby, or he'll be going the way of Rudy the Hobbit or Dull Chubby Deadgar.

BACK IN THE AIR, Chloe has figured out that the copilot is the bad guy, and Jack ONCE MORE finds a way to call him and tell him to beware, and we think maybe the pilot is a doofus, but we see he's only being cagey and really believes HiJack, because he asks, real polite like, what happened to the OTHER copilot. Bad Copilot says, "Oh, he had to go see a man about a dog or something. Or had to wash his hair. Or something. I don't know--I just show up when evil henchmen tell me t--I mean, I don't know nuthin'."

Suddenly, Cagey Pilot acts like he's got a leg cramp, and he gets up to let Jack into the cabin when Bad Copilot whacks him with a Maglite--BUT NOT BEFORE Cagey Pilot lets Jack in, who slaps the Bad Copilot around, and Bad Copilot is crying because no one else can LAND THIS PLANE, obviously not realizing that Jack Bauer can fly or drive any vehicle ever made on Earth, and probably a few flying saucers, too. ANYway, Jack doesn't let on that he knows a thing or two about airplanes, and tells Bad Copilot he'd better turn over the recorder before they all blow up real good due to sudden intentional deceleration.

And now, Jack has the recorder! Yay! Of course, he trusts Bad Copilot has given him the RIGHT recorder, and doesn't play it back for confirmation. Now then, to get to the airport so he can go implicate Evil President Machiavelli! I imagine they'll go back to Van Nuys.

NEXT WEEK! Uh-uh-uhhh--not going to go to Van Nuys if Machiavelli has anything to do with it, because he orders the plane to be shot down. Everyone is all, "what ARE you doing!" and he tells them to bug off because he's the President, and Jack's trying to dodge missiles and land, and the Bad Copilot is screaming like a little girl and....

Posted by Terry Oglesby at May 2, 2006 08:35 AM