Possumblog

Oh, okay--Jack Bauer Update.

I have to say that I wasn't in top form for watching last night because I'd come home and immediately gotten out and started cutting the grass, and didn't get done until 7:30. It was a nice evening for it, though, mainly because the grass still had enough dampness to it that it packed into the grass catcher nice and thick and didn't release a big cloud of dust when I emptied it, yet the yard wasn't so soggy that it made ugly wheel marks from the lawnmower.

AS FOR JACK--well, he patched up Brokenose Girl's gushing artery and got on the phone with her daddy and told him off for betraying him, and her daddy's all apologetic, kinda, and then Jack gets a call from Stinkyface Chloe that she's working out of Gray Haired Boss's den on breaking into the CTU computers using a Commodore 64 and a toaster. Jack gets her to find the satellite that takes pictures of fleeing felons, and goes after the Former CTU Agent/Nerve Gas Guy/President Machiavelli Henchman guy who'd sliced open Brokenose Girl.

They take off in the stolen police car, catch up with him, run him off the road into a barn, and Jack captures him after the bad guy's pistol runs out of ammo and he gets all huffy like a little girl, even though he has a spare magazine that he's fumbling around with. Jack gets him and is mean to him, but, as is the case with all such things, refuses to fill him full of bullet holes, and leaves him alive so he can later do all sorts of ninja mind games with Brokenose Girl.

In the mean time, the Former CTU Bad Guy tells Jack that his Black Helicopter Crew is tracking Brokenose Girl's daddy and it gonna off him unless Jack gives up and lets him go, and Jack, who seems to have become much too susceptible to threats directed at either Brokenose Girl OR her conniving daddy, is about to let him go when Daddy does the right thing and drives off a cliff into the conveniently placed ocean, thus negating Former CTU Bad Guy's bargaining power.

"Well, crap," he says, and Jack pistol whips him instead of filling his knees full of lead, and ties him up and in a fit of stupidity, leaves Brokenose Girl to guard him.

IN THE INTERVENING TIME, the folks at Homeland Security finally figure out that Chloe's been gone for a long time, and they interrogate the Redheaded High School Intern, who says Chloe intimidated her real bad like. The Homeland Security Boss Lady is all put out, and then learns that the President might be evil, and so she starts thinking of things to do, but her slobbery little Quisling second in command is all over himself trying to find Chloe and make a name for himself--apparently the "Participant" ribbon in the sack race at the annual Homeland Security company picnic just isn't enough for him.

Jack goes off to try to find the tape recording of Nixon Machiavelli, who has placed poor Crazy First Lady Jean Smart under arrest to get her to shut up and "reassigned" Impassive Bald Secret Service Guy to get him out of the picture and keep CFLJS from knowing what a real man is like. CFLJS is a'hollering and a'screaming to be let out, and Evil President tells her to drink a big cup of STFU and quit trying to ruin everything his evil little pea brain has come up with. She says she hates him, but in order to spare the American people, she won't say just how much. Gee THANKS, CFLJS!

Evil President checks in with his handlers, who praise him and promise him he'll get a nice present--maybe even a pony!--for all of his fine unflinching loyalty to a secret cabal of nervous-looking guys.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE BARN, Former CTU Bad Guy wakes up from his cold-cocking administered by Jack and starts in on Brokenose Girl and tells her she needs to call all the bad guys who're trying to kill her so they can go save her poor drowning daddy, who's drowning, in the water, because of HER, so it's like she's KILLING HER OWN DADDY, who just happens to be DROWNING, in the OCEAN, like a DROWNING DADDY, and finally Brokenose Girl draws down on him and starts yelling "I'M NOT LISTENING! BLAHBLAHBLAH I'M NOT LISTENING and if you don't STOP, I'MA GONNA BUS' A CAP IN YOU!" Then Jack calls her on her phone and tells her to run away, because Smellyface Chloe has told him that more Black Helicopters are on the way.

INSTEAD OF DROPPING FORMER CTU BAD GUY IN A HAIL OF BULLETS, she runs away into the barn to await the inevitable. BUT, hooray for Cowboy Curtis! He shows up with his tactical team right as Brokenose Girl is about to whack Former CTU Bad Guy, and his boys dispatch all the bad guys EXCEPT for Former CTU Bad Guy, who has got to be the luckiest guy in the world.

SO, as it ends, Jack is back at the airport looking for the guy that has the tape recorder, that the Former CTU Bad Guy handed off way back up in the early part of the episode, and Cowboy Curtis saves the day, and the Homeland Security Boss Lady calls Gray Haired Boss and warns him to get Pinchfaced Chloe out of the hizzouse before her stupid underling twit gets there to arrest her.

NEXT WEEK--Jack takes over an airplane full of people who look like they just boarded a regular old commercial flight, even though they got on the plane at 1:00 in the morning and nothing is supposed to be flying, all for the sake of finding that tape recorder. Chloe tries to wait as long as possible before leaving so there will be suspenseful music. Machiavelli does something evil.

If I left something out, it's because I got distracted by something shiny.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at April 25, 2006 07:52 AM