April 11, 2006

Jack Bauer Update!

ONCE AGAIN, I was stymied in my efforts to fully engage myself with the program due to having to clean up the kitchen after supper and constantly shush loud little children! GAAH!

BUT, as best I can tell, President Nixon isn't Nixon at all, but a cleverly diguised Rasputin Machiavelli, and he's just be acting like a weak, vacillating idiot for the past several month (hours). Everyone else pretty much seems to be the same--Jack is Jack, Chloe still smells something stinky, Brokenose Girl is acting like she's bad but we know it's just a deviated septum, Impassive Bald Secret Service Guy Aaron is still manlier than Jack, Crazy First Lady Jean Smart is crazy--she actually kissed Machiavelli this week, and my stomach contents very nearly came flying out onto the television.


Unless it's someone like an attractive Russian strumpet. Who, by the way, was not on this week. But the sight of the President and First Lady swapping spit was horrid, and the disclaimer at the start of the show should have mentioned something about "extreme graphic violence and public displays of affection by saggy-jowled people." Ick.

ANYWAY, I have no idea what's going on, other than now Machiavelli is trying to get Jack all killed, and Jack's trying to find the recording that the Hot Brunette Lady in Waiting took to the bank before she got all shot up, so Jack and the Dead Ex-President's Brother go kidnap the bank manager and make him go open the vault, and they all three listen to the recording and it's all about how Machiavelli was behind it all, in his own words.

Then they have to shoot their way out of the bank, because the Former CTU Nerve Gas Guy found Hot Brunette when they somehow intercepted the little girl's 911 call about her mommy hitting her head on the table, and so he went and found them, and kidnapped everyone again, and had his henchmen surround the bank where Jack, Bank Manager, and Dead Ex-President's Brother were. BUT, thinking quickly, Jack decides they DO want the cops to show up as a diversion now, so Bank Manager trips the silent alarm and the police come and the henchmen start blasting away at them, so THEN the ARMY GUYS come on the scene with a pile of Humvees and Ma Deuces and take out the henchman as Jack, et al., escape in a squad car.

Bank Manager, however, is no longer part of the show.

WHILE ALL THIS IS GOING ON, the good folks at Homeland Security have now turned their efforts to finding Jack into the primary goal of the organization because they got a call from Machiavelli to do it, and they're all in thrall to his Rasputinlike powers. So, Brokenose Girl decides to go for a drive, and she's really going to meet Jack and her daddy, who's William Devane, and Some Blonde Agent and a Dork bug her SUV with a tracking device. She stops to pretend to get gas, and Stinkyface Chloe tells her how to find the bug using Channel 17 on her walkie-talkie.

BUT WAIT--despite the fact that the show takes a great deal of liberties with reality, one thing I could not abide was the way in which the tracking device was ditched. She found it in the wheelwell of her car--stupid people who put it there should be thumped for not breaking in and planting it somewhere so deep she couldn't find it--but be that as it may, she ditched it by attaching it to a public works bucket truck. ON THE INSIDE OF THE FRONT FENDER! The big- cab versions of those trucks are based on regular pickup truck cabs, with the exception that their big wide front fenders are made out of FIBERGLASS. Which, last time I checked, is non-magnetic. SUCH A CAVALIER ATTITUDE TOWARD REALITY I WILL NOT BROOK! I mean, it's one thing for everyone to be able to run around and talk on cell phones and the only ones who ever get intercepted are the guys supposedly on secure lines, but there MUST BE A LINE DRAWN SOMEWHERE!

Anyway, they lose her, and then find her again by using a satellite, which Sourfaced Chloe sneaks into the basement and disables then runs to ladies room to freshen up, and the DHS guy is like, "What were you doing!?", and Chloe's like, "PShyeah, I'll write you a report on my pee habits."

SO, the President's bad, Laura Palmer's Dad from Twin Peaks is probably not all good, but he didn't have the Dead Ex-President shot, Jack's on the way to meet Brokenose Girl and William Devane at the Van Nuys airport, Chloe will finally get caught because of something the Redheaded High-School Intern did, and there'll be a big synchronized swimming event. Or at least, I think that's what happens.

(SarahK has a more thorough version, as usual.)

Posted by Terry Oglesby at April 11, 2006 07:37 AM