April 04, 2006

Jack Bauer Update!

I have no idea what's going on--Reba had to work late last night and I had to make YET ANOTHER call to CenturyTel to tell them that Barry's supposed fix of my DSL service had, in fact, NOT worked (STUPID DSL!), and so that all meant a late start to fixing supper, which meant a late start to eating supper, which meant a late start to finishing supper, which meant that the kids were still polishing off their tasty grilled dead animal flesh as I was trying to watch the show AND clean off the table AND referree amongst the various children.

SO, I have no idea what's going on--Crazy First Lady Jean Smart's really hot brunette lady-in-waiting is in cahoots with the nerve gas guys, and she's trying to get Dead Ex-President's Brother killed, except the Impassive Bald Secret Service Guy saved him and brought him to the ranchhouse. Then there's the thing from last week that I missed where Jack blows up a natural gas facility real good to incinerate the nerve gas, which was cool, and he carried out Some Russian Guy on his shoulder.

Odd, but there's flaming debris all over the ground, yet none of the pretty streetlamps are busted.

Anyway, Jack shouts at the Russian Guy to try to make him live longer, which doesn't work all that great, then he shouts at Cowboy Curtis, who nods, then Jack leaves and talks on his cell phone.

Back at CTU, some weasel from DHS is trying to convince New Lady Boss to crush Gray Haired Boss and take over the whole world, and CTU, so that everything runs just as smoothly as the airport security system that allowed terrorists to dig a giant hole in a hangar floor at the airport and hide a bunch of nerve gas there in the first place. They decide the most vulnerable person is Brokenose Girl, who now is REALLY hot for Jack after he throttled her last week. She really fixed up nice again this hour, though, oddly enough. Last week (hour) she was all sweaty and screaming and tousled, and this week (hour) she apparently rushed to the CTU Powder Room and quickly brushed her hair and trowelled on some foundation and mascara. ANYway, they want her to sign something implicating Gray Haired Boss as an Incompetent Boob, but she says, "No way, weasels!"

Then Jack calls and needs his dry cleaning picked up or something, but Stinkyface Chloe is being fired, and she's the only one who can hack into the computers and find out where his laundry is hidden, and she's leaving, and Brokenose Girl decided to save herself by going ahead and signing the Weasel Paper--with the stipulation that she gets to keep Chloe around so she can help save Jack.

Jack's like all "whatever" and doesn't know what Brokenose Girl has gone and done in order to save him, and so he runs and finds Dead Ex-President's Brother and the Hot Brunette First Lady Assistant clutching each other in a barn, so he sneaks around to the back and surprises them, and then they go to find the Brunette's daughter, who has been kidnapped by bad guys, and Jack becomes part of a sniper team to take out the bad guys, but they wind up killing everyone EXCEPT the Nerve Gas Maker Guy, who gets away from Jack and Cowboy Curtis's guys in a hail of bullets. Jack seems to be able to make impossible shots and kill swarms of bad guys--except for bad guys needed to provide plot continuity.

ANYway, I missed something, and then at the end, we find out that the guy trying to get Jack killed, and who'd told Nerve Gas Guy to kidnap Hot Brunette's Daughter was NOT Laura Palmer's dad from Twin Peaks, but was...


That's right! And that just makes no sense at all--sure, he's a craven, bedwetting lunatic, but up until now he's never been worth ANYthing at creating any kind of believable conspiracy. He blows around like a piece of trash in a windstorm, always simpering and cowering and acting like a weasel. And now you're telling me he's the one behind all of this!? Well, if so, I think it's about time for him to be slapped around--a LOT--by Jack.

Anyway--I have no idea what's going on, so maybe you should check out SarahK's usual excellent recap instead of mine.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at April 4, 2006 07:59 AM

I don’t follow this but could you post a link to broken nose girl? Also as to other cult shows—by not having cable you missed the second funniest episode of South Park ever.
This one was about the giant clouds of smug caused by buying hybrid cars and George Clooney’s Oscar speech. It also involved San Francisco—what a great episode.

Posted by: jim at April 4, 2006 08:56 AM