Possumblog

Jack Bauer Update!

I HAVE NO IDEA!

See, last Monday, I was knee deep in various kid related stuff, and so I only caught dribbles of what was going on--there was that leggy brunette Russian girl with the great big bank accounts, and she sold some kind of schematic diagram of something to the bad guys, and she was also doing naughty things with some hippie slacker intelligent German guy, who, if you ask me, wasn't so intelligent, because he allowed himself to fall for the brunette Russian, and Jack whacked him around a bit and got him to give her up if Jack would let him use a WetNap, which Jack had to get downloaded from the NSA by Miss Pinchface (which is illegal, believe it or not) and then the Expresident's Brother went into a place that had a roadblock AND a truckful of goons who were intent on messing up the spinner rims on his new Jag, and they was a'chasing him into a tunnel, and then the Unintelligent German Guy pops in the chip that Jack made for him into his cheap Euroknockoff Blackberry and the whole thing smoked up like the tapes from the old Mission: Impossible teevee show, and the Unintelligent German Guy was all p.o.'ed because he was going to take the WetNap and sell it to some other dirty terrorist who probably doesn't bathe regularly either, but after it burnt up, he couldn't do it, so he shook his fist at Jack, and Jack was all apologetic, but I think in the back of his mind he was laughing at the stupid German and his long hippie hair. But then, in a strange twist, Jack finds out from the Brunette Russian that the diagram she had was very diagrammatic, and schematical, and had been got from BROKENOSE GIRL! Yikes--she gets around.

NOW THEN--as for last night, we ate supper at Reba's parents' house, so we didn't get home until late, and a bunch of stuff had already happened by the time I got the tube turned on.

Best I can tell, Impassive Bald Secret Service Guy is more of a superman than Jack Bauer, and goes out by himself with a wimpy little 9mm and takes on the whole truckload of bad guys with AKs and does a great deal of damage to them AND rescues Expresident's Brother. But not the Jag.

They've got Brokenose Girl hooked up to some bad juice in an IV, and she doesn't know anything, because Jack comes busting in to where the Brunette Russian hotty is being held and slaps a guard unconscious, steals his pistol, and points it at the delicate curvy parts of Brunette Russian and finds out from her that she was only playing with him about Brokenose Girl, and that the schematics are of a natural gas facility. All that gas--someone get me the Bean-O! Interesting side note--either tall leggy voluptuous Russian brunettes are really stupid, or Jack Bauer is so powerful that his threats to shoot Brunette Russian are made real because he can cause a Glock to fire EVEN WHEN THE SLIDE IS OUT OF BATTERY! He was just a'pointing that thing at Brunette Russian, and she was just all weepy and lip-biting, and Jack was all screamy, all the while the slide on the pistol was locked back. And this after he'd already racked the slide to chamber a round--don't those rent-a-cops know anything about Condition One!?

Jack yells and then runs to go find Brokenose Girl, who is screaming because of the bad juice in the IV, and they hug and have a moment together of intense intensity, despite the fact that Jack has left a known Brunette Russian terrorist hooker alone in a cell with a knocked out rent-a-cop, so she's probably already all over him getting his wallet and the key to the handcuffs.

Last part I saw was some cute redheaded high school intern telling Smellyface Chloe that in order to get the nerve gas into the natural gas, the terrorist dudes have to lower the pressure, and so Pinchface Chloe somehow tapped into all the pressure readings of all the natural gas facilities in the area (wow, there's a LOT of those) and found one that was low. Gray Haired Boss thanked them both and went on off to go do Important Bossy Things, and then we find out that Cute Redhead High School Intern is a psychopath who thinks Gray Haired Boss was putting a move on her.

WRITERS OF 24! STOP THIS CRAP RIGHT NOW! I don't want to see anything about a delusional intern chick having flights of fancy about Gray Haired Boss! Let her get kidnapped or let Kim run over her with a forklift or something, but the story line you're thinking about is stupid and I will mock you if you continue to do it. And please--in close shots of firearms, make sure that it's actually ready to fire, or people will start thinking this whole thing is just some made-up TV show.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at March 28, 2006 08:16 AM