Possumblog

The Weekend?

Oh, silly person--you don't know the half of what's in store for me!

Mainly because I haven't said.

Allow me to remedy that--Christmas middle school band concert, requiring Boy to be at school by 10:30 tomorrow. Christmas parade following the concert, requiring Boy and Oldest to be somewhere in town at a staging area by around 1:00 p.m. Saturday, for a parade that doesn't start until 3:00. With Oldest wearing an elf costume. After that, pick up a guy I go to church with (who also has a kid in the parade) and go over to the church building to set up tables for our Christmas dinner on Sunday afternoon. Which will then be followed by cleanup, then by innumerable meetings for the kids, and one big one for me.

In amongst all this joyful seasonal merrymaking, someone will have to do laundry AND someone will have to clean house AND someone will have to finish putting up Christmas decorations AND someone will have to install a new set of plug wires on Reba's Focus, which has been feeling poorly lately. And speaking of feeling poorly, Middle Girl seems to have come down with an indistinct respiratory malady that causes her to mope around and have occasional flashes of fever.

Add all that together, and it sounds like I won't be begging for dreamy sleep so much as a swift blow to the head with a hammer.

SO, here's to hammers!

BUT WAIT--THERE'S MORE!!

Speaking of hammers and car repair, Larry Anderson just sent me the following little bit of information for those of you who want to be more knowledgeable about such things:

Common Tools and their Uses:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools which transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for re-raising an automobile after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the bumper jack and handle firmly under the bumper.

DOUGLAS FIR 2X4, eight-foot long: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack hopelessly wedged under the automobile.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, but used mainly for getting dog crap off your boot.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of the bolts you forgot to disconnect between the engine and frame.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 100-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells were used during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at General Motors, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50� part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

FLYING TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shop while yelling "dammit" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm or salve, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our lack of foresight.

Now then, all of you have a fun and safe weekend!

Posted by Terry Oglesby at December 2, 2005 03:40 PM