December 01, 2005

What not to do.

When I was in the process of going to get gas last night, I was struck by a curious craving.

Vienna sausage.

I had gotten a box of cans at Sam's the last time I bought groceries, because I had a craving for them while I was at Sam's, said craving then departing until last night.

Now, I realize some of you are already feeling a bit queasy--I realize what Vienna sausages are made of (first ingredient--"mechanically separated chicken"), and further that they are offensive to at least three major world religions. But, you know, to those of us in the redneck religion, there is nothing else that can satisfy that craving when you get it--aside from potted meat.

Anyway, got home and opened the box and grabbed a tiny tin of the tender pink cylinders, popped the top, rinsed off the yummy chicken broth and gelatinous goo, and had myself a little feast, repleat with crackers. (Because, as we know, Vi-inners just aren't the same without crackers.)

Afterwards, I went upstairs, got my pajamas on, read the mail, helped Rebecca with some homework, did some other stuff, and finally got a chance to lie down on the bed to read a bit and watch Letterman before bedtime.

Letterman's special guest? Maureen Dowd.

Oh, Charlize Theron was on there, too, but Dave saved most of his ill-informed sycophancy for Modo. Having read only enough of Dowd to create a distinct distaste for her cognitive skills, and never having had the opportunity to hear her speak extemporaneously, I can only say that if this is what passes for Pulitzer Prize-winning talent, the Pulitzer Prize must be akin to the chicken broth and gelatinous goo I washed off my Vienna sausages.

So, by way of a caution, never eat Vienna sausages late at night and then subject yourself to viewing a brief television interview with Maureen Dowd. Just turn it off after Charlize Theron is on, and dream better dreams.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at December 1, 2005 09:32 AM

I saw that interview by Letterman of Ms. Dowd as well. Fortunately for me I had not partaken of any Vienna sausages prior to watching that, because I might have very well upchucked. What an absolute waste of air time. Not even Ms. Theron could compensate for that.

Posted by: Stan at December 1, 2005 09:42 AM

I'm half-inclined to read her new book about men. Only an overambitious cheerleader could make a killing off the simple premise that most men would prefer a smooth-faced, nubile, pliant young woman over a middle-aged harpy.

As a middle-aged harpy, I know whereof I speak.

Posted by: Janis at December 1, 2005 09:44 AM

Now, Janis, I KNOW better than that! And, even if I didn't, I do know there's a difference between smart harpy and a doltish twit. Let's just say if I had to pick, I'd much rather be married to Hillary than Mo.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 1, 2005 10:05 AM

Vy-annie sausages are indeed a redneck treat. I say treat 'cause I have to sneak them in and hide them from my bride, who finds them disgusting and doesn't like me eating them.

Potted meat, on the other hand, is a vile, evil substance. Why not just buy canned cat food? It's cheaper. Deviled Spam is a hundred times better than potted meat.

And Miz Janis, although we have never met, I must say that my impression of you is that you are one of the least harpy-est (Terry, I think I've invented a new word!) ladies in the 'sphere.

Posted by: Dave Helton at December 1, 2005 10:47 AM

Dave, I'm not your stepmother.

Posted by: Janis at December 1, 2005 10:50 AM

Don't you mean mother-in-law?

Posted by: DaveH at December 1, 2005 10:56 AM

Ms. Janis isn't a harpy and Ms. Francesca is usually not grouchy. There's no truth in advertising! Next someone will say I'm not curmudgeonly enough.

Posted by: Jordana at December 1, 2005 11:16 AM

Odd, but no one has ever mentioned I'm not possumy enough.

Must be all the potted meat.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 1, 2005 11:21 AM

I am praying this is the Hillary you were referring to. The alternative is hideous.

I might also point out that there are several reasons why a woman might remain unmarried in her fifties. In her case, there's only one reason - nobody could possibly want to be shackled to such a self satisfied, intellectually insipid woman.

Not permanently shackled, anyway.

Posted by: skinnydan at December 1, 2005 11:33 AM

Actually, I meant the junior Senator from New York--thus indicating just exactly how deep is my antipathy for vacuous prattlemouthed shrews. Mrs. Clinton does at least have the capacity for rational thought, Machiavellian and self-serving though it may be.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 1, 2005 12:12 PM

Jordana, you're not curmudgeonly enough. You should change your blog name to "Grammar Goddess."

And I don't think Janis is a harpy either. I, on the other hand, am frequently more grouchy than I should be.

Posted by: Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady at December 1, 2005 12:16 PM

How would you know if you were possumy enough? Would it be a Gollum kind of conversion?

When you mentioned the Vienna sausage delicacies, the first thought that came to mind: bully done flung a cravin' on me!

Oh yeah ... did you see MoDo's shoes? Supposedly she has big feet.

[Is a grape Nehi bellywasher proper for choking down them sausages?]

Posted by: MarcV at December 1, 2005 03:21 PM

Possumy level? I'm not sure, although I would hope it wouldn't be like the one I saw this morning on the way to take Catherine to school. Right dead center of the lane, and right dead. Four little paws stuck straight up in the air. Blech.

As for the lady's feet, I didn't notice anything other than they seemed to be of clay.

Finally, a grape Nehi might please some, but the idea of grape flavored fizzy water and animal parts not fit for other use makes me a bit queasy.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at December 1, 2005 03:36 PM