Dangitall--if someone moved my che--oh, good. Still there.
Funny thing about writing the way you talk and playing on peoples' expectations of what you're going to say based upon their exposure to popular culture--you were all probably thinking I was going to say "cheese," right? Like the name of that book I've never read about cheese-moving. Well, I wasn't--I was going to say "chelioclamsododdlermon whellnord." I just didn't want to write all that. Even though I just did. So, THERE!
Yes, I'm in one of THOSE moods this morning, despite there being absolutely no reason for it. I just figured I'd be grouchily oblique and spout non sequiturs the rest of the day. I figure if the Senate can make a good living out of it, why shouldn't I?
ANYway, I've been in the office for a good while already--the meeting didn't last all that long today, but the stack of regulatory paperwork that required my personal signature afterwards was rather thickish. And the stupid telephone keeps ringing. Oh--there. That's better. I unplugged it.
Middle Daughter has been enjoying school--she has a teacher who seems to have helped bring her out of her shell a bit. She jabbers constantly at home, but in any public setting she is usually mute. And I don't mean she's just politely quiet--I mean actually stone cold, won't-say-a-word mute, even if it would be polite to at least mumble SOMEthing. Anyway, this teacher, a youngish fellow who appears to me to be about 12, likes to start class with a couple of corny jokes, which Rebecca has been so kind as to bring home and share with us. They're mostly the same stuff you've heard for years, but to her they're new, and it does seem to bring out her natural comic abilities. (All the rest of them display similar senses of humor, and I have no idea where that comes from, because, as you all know, I am an ogre at home.)
Anyway, she told a couple last night (including one that I had to gently reminder her was extremely sacreligious) but she finally got to one that made me laugh. Surely I had heard it before, but something about it struck me as funny. Now, the way she told it was with breathless rapidity and little in the way of build-up or backstory, so allow me to embellish a bit. Also, this started out as a brunette, redhead, blonde joke, but seeing as how it's football season, well, I will fix that a bit, too.
Three young ne'er-do-wells (who grew up together and later managed to get football scholarships to the universities of Alabama, Auburn, and Georgia) all got together for a weekend of carousing.
Not being ones to well-hold their spirits, they quickly got lit up and got the bright idea of reliving their old hoodlum habits by robbing the cash register at the bar.
Even with little planning and much drink, they still managed to grab several handsful of cash and dash out the door and down the street. Immediately the alarm went up and two officers of the law set out in hot pursuit. Despite the wondrous speed and agility of the players, being drunk slowed them down a bit, and the cops continued to gain on them.
Ducking down an alleyway, the boys found themselves at the back door of an animal shelter. Seeing that they had no other way out, and knowing the police were on the way, they took stock of their situation. Seeing three burlap sacks lying on the ground, they decided to each crawl into an empty bag and try to outwit the gendermerie.
The young men were safely enclosed with not a moment to spare, just as the cops came running around the corner into the alley and saw the lumpy bags on the ground behind the shelter. One of the policemen nudged the first sack, and the Georgia player let out a sad whine and a bark. "Ah, must be a dog!" said the cop. The second policeman poked the sack containing the Auburn player, who let out a lonesome meow. The policeman nodded his head and said, "It must be a cat!" Finally, they turned to the sack with the Alabama player inside, give it a shove, and from inside comes the shout of, "Potatoes!"
Well, it was funny to hear her tell it.
IN OTHER THINGS, despite the fact that gasoline costs nearly three dollars a gallon, if you do the math you figure a 20 ounce Diet Coke for a buck translates into $6.40 per gallon.
Now, I'm gonna go get some lunch.
Posted by Terry Oglesby at September 14, 2005 12:01 PMI don't know where you shop but around here I can get diet orange soda for $.99 a-hmmm- one of them metric numbers like liters or wevuls or something. It's big. So if I get 3 or 4 of them I can get oh, about, lemme get my slide rule out...just a minute...there ya go, a LOT of miles.
Posted by: vachon at September 14, 2005 01:00 PMTrue--and our pantry is full of Diet Chek cola from Winn Dixie that cost only as much as a gallon of gas, but when you're stuck somewhere and your caffeine imbalance is starting to cause you to go into withdrawals, there are few substitutes for a cold refreshing bottle of Diet Crack.
Posted by: Terry Oglesby at September 14, 2005 01:07 PMIs there still a Winn Dixie open somewhere in town? What happens if there isn't?
Milk costs the same as gas now, $2.99 a gallon.
Oh, sure--the Trussville W-D is still cranking right along. For now.
As for milk--well, I think it's obvious what's going on. I mean, where do they have cattle? Texas. Where do they have oil wells? Texas. Where is Halliburton located? Texas. It all makes perfect sense.
Posted by: Terry Oglesby at September 14, 2005 01:33 PMIf I drank 15 gallons of Diet Coke a week (my typical gas usage), the price per gallon would be more of a concern.
As far as Winn-Dixie, I'm partial to the Diet Dr. Chek and Freshy (Fresca ripoff). And ours is still open, although the Publix across the street probably has them shakin in their aprons.
Posted by: skillzy at September 14, 2005 01:41 PMI wouldn't go trying to milk too many of those Texas cattle if I were you!
Posted by: Nate at September 14, 2005 01:48 PMThe Winn-Dixie where I live may actually be doing OK, although Publix, Bruno's, a new Piggly Wiggly, and a Whole Foods (coming in 2006) may finish them off if the chain makes it that long.
Posted by: Stan at September 14, 2005 01:53 PMSee, Skillzy, for you people who have high-mileage thirsts, you can sip a little and it goes a long way. I, on the other hand, can guzzle various name- and store-branded diet sodas like a B-52 sucking down jet fuel.
Nate, only the part of the herd that are girl cows.
And speaking of which--W/D are known as the what? Right, "Beef People." It's all part of the big secret plan.
Posted by: Terry Oglesby at September 14, 2005 02:12 PMSo what are you trying to say ... is this some kind of soylent green is people thing?
Diet Dr. Chek is beef? Or are the folks at W/D like pod people??
[Now that my tongue has been cultivated to Diet Coke, off-brands like Sams Finest Soda are totally unacceptable. Totally.]
Posted by: MarcV at September 14, 2005 03:27 PMGood! I'm not the ONLY one to see this pernicious conspiracy for what it is! And let's not forget--Sam's is part of Wal-Mart, and Wal-Mart is headquarterd in Arkansas, and Arkansas? Right next to Texas. It all makes perfect sense.
Posted by: Terry Oglesby at September 14, 2005 03:46 PM