May 26, 2005

"I Am A Moron" Project SMACKDOWN!

Well, it's come to this, has it. A CHALLENGE. "Begun the Dumb War has," eh?

Apparently so--"peaceful" (heh--as IF!) Lenise over at Paxifist has thrown down the Moron Project gauntlet, putting up this beautiful example of North Carolina engineering prowess against my latest Moron Project.

HAH! And DOUBLE HAH! Everyone KNOWS that you can live in a car, but you can't drive a HOUSE!

Errr, which, I suppose, means Lenise actually WINS this round, seeing as how a house is so much more useless than a car. (At least in Moronthink.) But that's the thing--does the winner in this contest actually WIN, or is it like being "it" when you play Tag? I don't know. Why? Because I am a moron.

ANYWAY, in lieu of the vacationing Thursday Three, and since Lenise seems to enjoy a challenge, is there ANYONE ELSE who wishes to raise the bar even higher, with a Moron Project even more moronic or projectile than hers?

If so, I suggest flooding her with all sorts of e-mails and comments.

UPDATE: Apparently, this whole "Old Car as Moron Project" thing is catching on--now Kim's jumping into the pond, and with what else? A Mercedes fixation! Hat tip to famous NASA scientist and Director of Possumblog Space Enterprises, Steevil, who has his own floating moron project going (i.e. a boat), and notes that he did have something like this, which he sold after buying the boat. Steevil also says that if his wife ever sees a yellow Mercedes convertible with matching hubcaps, though, it would probably be the start of a his-n-hers moron project.

Posted by Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 08:24 AM

Seems like hers has got you beat simply from being the larger potential money pit. I don't see HOW a Volvo could begin to match that house when it comes to costs of the project. You could probably gold-plate the Volvo and still not come close to the costs of the house project.

Posted by: Stan at May 26, 2005 09:02 AM

It’s just enough for me to breath and walk at the same time. Doing projects might be beyond my small brain.

I’m working up to chewing gum. There's a rumor that you can do this and walk too!

Posted by: jim at May 26, 2005 09:07 AM

Does having children count as a moron project? It does meet the criteria of costing huge sums of money and using up an extraordinary amount of time.

Posted by: skinnydan at May 26, 2005 09:22 AM

I know, Stan--she's being moronic at a MUCH higher level than me. We MUST find someone to challenge her ineptitude!

Jim--how's that back deck coming along?

And no, Skinnydan--children are God's gift to us, and we should nurture and treasure them or else they won't take care of us when we get old and crotchety.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 09:27 AM

Dan, I asked about the use of children as a moron project, but Terry disallowed it back then too.

My latest moron project is spending a great deal of money on a very nice window for our front gable -- which will mean the nicest window on the house will be in the attic. But it will look pretty.

Posted by: Jordana at May 26, 2005 10:08 AM

But, Jordana, does your project have the potential for severe bodily injury? Even when complete, will people still snicker at you behind your back for starting it? Will it tend to decrease your bank account at a rate faster than it could be replenished even by using a solid gold money-printing machine?

Come now--your project is much too unmoronic.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 10:19 AM

Well, it will increase the rate at which we will have to replace the porch roof and there is always potential for injury -- though only for the carpenters.

Posted by: Jordana at May 26, 2005 10:24 AM

Hmmm--well, that's a start, I suppose. Any chance of you or Justin helping out with the power tools and ladders and such?

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 10:39 AM

I’m thinking of calling the deck the “showcase of joinery." I’ve tried every type of screwed joint know to man. The main problem was that the posts tapered—thus when I measured at the bottom—better to be accurate I was 3/4 inch off at the top when the rails joined.

I am truly a moron.

I’ll finish up when my son returns from his art final—need help securing the rails. In the meantime I’m the king of curtain rods.

Posted by: jim at May 26, 2005 10:50 AM

Undone by unplumb!

I do like the name--"Showcase of Joinery" makes it sound as though it was all done deliberately. Another hallmark of Moron Projects--being able to persuade yourself that you meant for it to look that way.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 10:56 AM

Can I enter my business venture in the Moron Project Sweepstakes? It is a major money sink, consumes all my time, aggravates my wife, pits me against friends seeking the same business and so far has moved me backwards from my retirement goal.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at May 26, 2005 10:58 AM

Saaaaay--now THAT'S the spirit! I think we have to say Larry and Lenise are right there neck and neck. (An aggravated wife counts as potential for extreme bodily injury.)

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 11:04 AM

I'll submit the bird project.

Expenses aren't so high, but they are totally unnecessary.

Potential for bodily harm has quadrupled.

Odds for failure are high.

Unnecessary emotional distress.

Posted by: Janis at May 26, 2005 11:32 AM

And I can't really "collect" until I talk my husband into it. Let me know if y'all spot any airborne pigs... I'll know the time is right!

Posted by: Lenise at May 26, 2005 11:34 AM

Oh, come on now, Lenise--if you want to compete, this can't be an imaginary moron project--go now and pay your earnest money!

And Janis is coming in pretty strong here, because the new bird IS possessed by Satan. That's always good for several points.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 12:11 PM

Our puppy is my current moron project. I get to:
Drive long distances to dog shows.
Spend lots of money on entry fees.
I've personally know someone who, to avoid stepping on a dog, broke their ankle.
Look like a fool in the ring when your dog chases butterflies.
Pick up dog poop.

Posted by: Sarah G. at May 26, 2005 01:02 PM

Ohhhh--but puppies are so CUTE!

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 01:17 PM

I think I should win if only for the sheer number of Moron Projects I have under way. There's the Mercedes that I started restoring in 1984, the Mini I started in 1992 and the business in 2001. Oh and the the house with the landscaping started in 2000, my attempts to play various musical instruments... I could go on all day.

Posted by: Larry Anderson at May 26, 2005 02:06 PM

I think my next big thing will be to develop a Unified Moron Project Theory that will explain all of the interconnected relationships between all the various forces associated with moronity.

But, yes, Larry--if we go on quantity as well as quality, you certainly do stand out.

Posted by: Terry Oglesby at May 26, 2005 02:15 PM